ancient literature as onion headlines

the iliad: Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
the odyssey: Prodigal Asshole Returns
the aeneid: Man Who Thought He’d Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn’t Even Know He Still Had
the satyricon: I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I’ll Fuck My Way Out
medea: Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who’s Winning Reports
the bacchae: Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being
iphigenia at aulis: Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing
agamemnon: Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying
oedipus the king: True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
herodotus’s histories: Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks
the poetry of catullus: Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something
the ars amatoria: Man’s Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips
the speeches of cicero: Here Are All Of My Opinions
the epigrams of martial: Come On, Lighten Up, I’m Just Being A Total Asshole