idiopathicsmile:

catawampuscorner:

idiopathicsmile:

idiopathicsmile:

i just remembered this story my dad told me one time, about abraham lincoln

a guy challenged abe to a duel once. lincoln very much did not want to duel this cat.

so lincoln agreed, on the condition he got to choose the weapon. maybe that was how it generally went in 19th century dueling culture, i have no idea.

the guy said “sure”

lincoln said, “ok. broadswords.”

so that poor would-be opponent shows up on the day of the would-be duel, and abe is outside, doing, like, some quick sword warmups.

now, back in lincoln’s day, he was, as any american schoolchild can tell you, the tallest fucking dude on the entire fucking planet, so please try to even imagine the majestic reach of this stovepiped giant’s condor-like wingspan.

(wingspan plus broadsword.)

abe’s enemy takes one look at this, does some quick mental calculations on his own arm length (mortal, human), turns around and goes home.

the best part is that, as i remember it, lincoln of course had no fucking idea how to swordfight. it was the 1800s. we had guns. he’d just been, like, waving this giant sword around haphazardly, whacking at tree limbs, making his arms look as big as possible because he knew this joker could see him, and he knew that guy didn’t know that lincoln didn’t know what the hell to do with a broadsword.

anyway, i don’t actually know if that story is true or not but i really really hope it is. i would love to know that the president who defeated the confederacy was also fucking hilarious.

UPDATE: a very helpful anon just linked me to an actual account of the actual historical incident. i got a number of crucial details wrong, as it turns out.

PLOT TWIST: the real version is considerably funnier

This is great and I just wanna add that the rules of early 19th century American gentleman’s duels did in fact state that whoever offered the challenge of a duel did not choose the weapons that would be used. The challenger would demand a duel and the challengee would have to accept or face considerable dishonor, but the challengee was permitted (nay, required) to select the weapon, date, and time. Duels were typically scheduled for two weeks from whenever the challenge was issued in the hopes that relatives would be able to sort out the issue in the meantime and then the duel could be honorably cancelled.

wait so like i get that it was a Matter of Utmost Grave Importance to these dudes

but you are in fact telling me that an early nineteenth century American gentleman could be challenged to a duel and, in accordance with the culture of the time, technically he could be like “fuck it let’s have a pillow fight” and the other guy would have to accept

oh my god why did anybody ever kill anybody

what a profound and tragic failure of imagination

• “the terms of the duel are a dance-off. bring your sickest moves, cad”
• “meet me outside town, exactly 500 years from today. hope you like fighting a fucking skeleton”
• “alright, that’s it! butterfly kisses at dawn.”