if you ever visit the African Savanna, you might be lucky enough to see one of these majestic and incredible creatures! of course if you do, it’s probably because one is sprinting directly towards you at mach fuck with intent to punt your head clean off like a wayward football. (this simile works equally well with both American and Regular footballs because you kick the shit out of both of them.)
better duck, because it’s
all the other kids with the pumped-up kicks you better run better run, outrun me because I’m going to kick the shit out of you
the Ostrich is what happens when Evolution really really wants to make a horse, but all it has to work with is a vulture. but Evolution wants a horse, so by god this vulture is going to become a fucking horse. and hey presto! THAT’S HOW YOU GET THE OSTRICH.
the result is an animal that looks like it was cobbled together from spare parts. it has a tiny naked head and huge cartoon eyeballs (among the largest of any land animal!) and a long and equally naked neck. meanwhile the rest of the Ostrich looks like a dinosaur got caught in some kind of horrific pillow factory accident. but it doesn’t matter that you look like a goofy bastard if you’re also a 300-pound nightmare horsebird!
you look… nice! YOU LOOK NICE. DON’T KICK ME.
that’s right, the Ostrich is world’s largest flightless bird, by a really absurd margin! (almost everything about this bird is absurd.) an adult can stand 9 feet tall and weigh 320 pounds, HOLY SHIT.that’s
big enough to ride, if you could get one to stop kicking you to death long enough to get a saddle on it. (don’t do this, you will die.)
and this giant avian shares a body plan with certain long-dead animals you may recognize! that’s right, the Ostrich is basically a re-evolved dinosaur. …sort of. it’s more like the Cenozoic tried to copy the Mesozoic’s homework from the other side of the room during a blackout. the intent is there, but the execution is a bit…. well. Ostrich!
YOU LOOK NICE YOU LOOK NICE AAAARGH
Ostriches can be found sprinting across the flat bits of the African continent like a feathered Forrest Gump. these mighty ground birds are good at one thing and one thing only, but DAMN do they do it well! their giant dinosaur legs end in highly efficient two-toed feet, making them one of nature’s natural sprinters.
the Ostrich can reach speeds on the ground that most other birds only hit in flight- up to 43 mph! YOU COULD RACE ONE OF THESE THINGS IN A FORD PINTO AND LOSE. Ostriches support this high-energy lifestyle with a diet of… *drumroll* mostly plants and insects. anticlimactic!
but is running all those giant and bizarrely naked legs are good for? haha, no.
surprise, they also kick people.
because Ostriches are birds, their defensive stats are naturally pretty low. but they share a continent with a lot of large mammals, many of whom wouldn’t say no to a nice meal of Ostrich drumsticks! what’s a poor bird to do?
well, if an Ostrich can’t run from a predator, they’ll just beat it to death instead. and that’s no idle threat- those long powerful legs deliver a kick that can kill a fucking lion in one hit. imagine what that 500 psi judo move could do to an uppity two-legged primate.
he will Wu Tang Clan your head RIGHT OFF.
but will an Ostrich actually kill a human, or do they have… other activities in mind? *eyebrow wiggle* you’ve probably read an internet article or three about how Ostriches supposedly find humans attractive in a natural way if you know what I mean, but is there any truth to such tales? could you seduce your way out of a well-deserved head-punting?
well, it’s a little more complicated than that.
I can’t believe I’m actually about to research this.
Ostriches are farmed by humans in HUGE numbers worldwide for their delicious drumsticks, giant eggs, and lovely lovely feathers. these farm Ostriches are almost always raised by humans, and it turns out this can affect what they’re attracted to as adults.
both male and female farm Ostriches do indeed seem to find humans oh so sexy-sexy, while wild Ostriches DEFINITELY DO NOT. (though not that the scientists were buying them flowers or anything, maybe they just have higher standards.) wild Ostriches will just as soon kung fu you straight into the dirt, do not attempt to seduce your way out of a sticky situation with a wild Ostrich.
they’d probably just eat the flowers, anyway.
so all of that aside, how is the Ostrich doing? well, they’re still kicking! (PUN)
wild Ostrich populations have declined in the past 200 years, but they’re still common and widespread enough to earn a “species of least concern” rating. Yaay! and since they’re farmed so extensively, you definitely don’t have to feel bad about buying a new Ostrich feather duster or getting your weekly Ostrich Jerky fix. (yes, that’s a thing.)
so for once, feel free to just sit back and appreciate one of nature’s marvels without worries! but do it from a safe distance.
I WANT TO KICK YOU. LET ME KICK YOU.
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IMAGE SOURCES
img1- Natural Bridge Zoo img2- Donarreiskoffer, Wikimedia Commons img3- Marwell Zoo img4- KickassFacts img5- ShardsofBlue, Flickr img6- San Diego Zoo img7- Odyssey img8- The Pheasantasiam, Youtube
Steel Phoenix Studios 