my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this
look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit
motherfucking australia
if there was a post to describe australia, this is it
wait.
you mean to tell me this isn’t even a pet bird?
that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up?
fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you?
wake up australia
That’s what birds do
They fly around and fuck shit up
Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country
Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit
It’s cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel.
Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do
yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes
why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they’re going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called “swooping season” and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it’s fucking brutal.
My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us.
no but when you’re 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange
what the actual fuck australia
I am pretty sure all of these Australia stories are a massive, globally-spanning trolling effort, and only the people who have visited the country are allowed to be in on the joke.
Nope.
Went there.
Parrots tried to take our car.
Came home IN A FUCKING HURRY.
Interesting thing about magpies – they’re not great at identifying individual humans visually, but if you make yourself identifiable in some way they’re usually open to reason. We used to have some very aggressive swoopers in our back yard – as soon as they realised that the humans *inside* the fence never bothered them and were the source of the delicious compost heap, they turned into flying black and white guard dogs who would viciously assault any passing stranger but never bothered anyone inside the yard. Several times they swooped at us when we approached from outside, then when we walked into the yard they would pull up and act incredibly apologetic like sorry ma’am I had no idea it was you I would never please don’t stop stocking the food pile.
There was another little group of magpies in the park who would attack any solo pedestrian but never bothered anyone walking a dog or pushing a pram, because apparently those were identifiable traits indicating a non-threatening human. In the spirit of inquiry, I started going out of my way to be polite to the magpies – carefully walking a wide arc around them when they were on the ground, etc – and emitting an identifiable call of ‘hello birdie’ before swooping season started.
I spent the next ten years crossing that park at least once a day and as long as I turned at the first flutter of wings and said ‘hello birdie’ to the magpie waiting to attack as soon as my back was turned, I was fine. Every time, the magpie would stare at me for a minute and then fly off to harass some other pedestrian because apparently the magpies and I, we were cool.
Parrots are a lot less open to negotiation, and the little bastards travel in flocks. Beware the parrots.
New Zealand has kea, the world’s only alpine parrot, who are renowned for their trolling. Their most common trick is to eat the windscreen wipers and door seals from cars.
Reality show where Canadians are send to Australia and vice versa.
No plot.
No missions.
Just Canadians and Australians trying to survive each other’s weather.
Our latest episode
People who are reblogging this without the pictures are missing out because I’m hilarious
The best thing about this post is that Australia and Canada are in opposite hemispheres so you can run both segments simultaneously and the Australian will be in the worst of Canada’s winter while the Canadian is in the worst of Australia’s summer
This image is too beautiful for this world, too pure – Admin Fantail
i want to be offended but… i agree tbh
Australia has spoken.
I guess we’re done here, everyone can go home early
No but where is one third of us and Philippines?? :((((
The location and size of Our country is slightly different too…
maybe NZ just likes japan… and hates 1/3 of indonesia and the entirety of the philippines… we’ll never know
i think it’s just taken from a weird original image, I’ve seen quite a few comments about the size/shape/existence of other countries too, tbh I just saw no Australia and hit post…
Throwback to the time my poor German teacher had to explain the concept of formal and informal pronouns to a class full of Australians and everyone was scandalised and loudly complained “why can’t I treat everyone the same?” “I don’t want to be a Sie!” “but being friendly is respectful!” “wouldn’t using ‘du’ just show I like them?” until one guy conceded “I suppose maybe I’d use Sie with someone like the prime minister, if he weren’t such a cunt” and my teacher ended up with her head in her hands saying “you are all banned from using du until I can trust you”
God help Japanese teachers in Australia.
if this isnt an accurate representation of australia idk what is
Australia’s reverse-formality respect culture is fascinating. We don’t even really think about it until we try to communicate or learn about another culture and the rules that are pretty standard for most of the world just feel so wrong. I went to America this one time and I kept automatically thinking that strangers using ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ were sassing me.
Australians could not be trusted with a language with ingrained tiers of formal address. The most formal forms would immediately become synonyms for ‘go fuck yourself’ and if you weren’t using the most informal version possible within three sentences of meeting someone they’d take it to mean you hated them.
100% true.
the difference between “‘scuse me” and “excuse me” is a fistfight
See also: the Australian habit of insulting people by way of showing affection, which other English-speakers also do, but not in a context where deescalating the spoken invective actively increases the degree of offence intended, particularly if you’ve just been affectionately-insulting with someone else.
By which I mean: if you’ve just called your best mate an absolute dickhead, you can’t then call a hated politician something that’s (technically) worse, like a total fuckwit, because that would imply either that you were really insulting your mate or that you like the politician. Instead, you have to use a milder epithet, like bastard, to convey your seething hatred for the second person. But if your opening conversational gambit is slagging someone off, then it’s acceptable to go big (”The PM’s a total cockstain!”) at the outset.
Also note that different modifiers radically change the meaning of particular insults. Case in point: calling someone a fuckin’ cunt is a deadly insult, calling someone a mad cunt is a compliment, and calling someone a fuckin’ mad cunt means you’re literally in awe of them. Because STRAYA.
case in point: the ‘Howard DJs like a mad cunt’ meme.
ALSO I’M SORRY IF I KEEP TAGGING YOU IN AUSTRAILIAN RELATED SHIT
BUT YOU”RE THE ONLY AUSTRAILIAN I KNOW
AND I MUST VERIFY
It’s all true, believe me. I reckon it has something to do with being geographically isolated and having a massive convict background during colonisation. Then you have huge immigration influxes from all over the world, and the fact that we like to shorten names into things like “Dazza”, “Maccas”, and “Shaz.”
Also, when they shout “Fang It!” in Mad Max Fury Road, that is a thing that is regularly shouted in the suburbs.
I don’t know why we evolved our language like this.
I’d wager a portion of it comes from the social structure originally applied to the country. Because so much of the population were convicts, the society built up around the notion of fighting authority or at least resisting it in some fashion. A lot of people came from poverty, obviously (because why the hell else would you be in prison for stealing bread?), lacked formal education and were illiterate. There was a tie-in with the influx of rural people in Britain looking for work if I remember correctly, which fed this problem of overcrowding in prisons in the first place. The point is that a large chunk of the prison population were poor, disenfranchised, from a certain geographical area or social group disproportionately affected by law enforcement.
For awhile (in the 1800′s there around) people from other countries joked you could tell if a person was Australian because of how they walked (the iron ball and chain).
And most of Australia’s current terminologies for homesteads and things were built around military or police terminology (that’s why we have stations, homesteads etc. instead of farms or ranches, whatever). Slang that was common to local dialects or communities (cockney for example) stuck around, presumably because a fair few of these people were poor and ran afoul of the law. So already just at Australia’s founding you have a culture that hates people in power. And my guess is that fed an attitude of disdain for authority in any form and a camaraderie towards those in the same boat as you. Social structures (and later political structures) reformed to favour or support the people fucked over by the system.
Which leads to the idea if you’re one of us, you’re a mate and we can slag you but we’ll act very nice to you if you’re in power but we all know how we really think of you.
I never knew any of this?
If I had ever gone to Australia before reading this I would have probably ended up insulting everyone I met … might still, because ‘excuse me, ma’am’ or ‘excuse me, sir’ is just ingrained in how I learned to speak english.
And I thought english people were crazy for having you in the singular person and you in the plural person…
(You in the plural person is Voi in Italian, which is a deferential way of referring to someone, possibly stronger than the ‘Lei’ [which no, has no relation to the female she (though that is *also* called lei), but is a specific form of respectful address] and definitely league above (as far as formality goes) about the ‘tu’ which is the singolar person you equivalent and is considered informal and colloquial.
This is 100% accurate for Aussie. New Zealand is slightly less so, but it does still sorta apply.
Steel Phoenix Studios 