brain: …hey, so. *nudge* me: dammit brain we’re busy, no we are most certainly not re-writing old fic just because you had a momentary itch! brain: okay but it could be cool me: I KNOW THAT BUT WE’RE STILL NOT DOING IT
update: am now looking for the particular fic in question with a morbid sense of curiosity if I ever typed it up
the good news: can’t find it the bad news: that doesn’t mean it isn’t digitally out there somewhere, and there’s still the hard copy in my handwriting over there on the shelf
@tinytalkingtina can verify that my first attempt at smut was a) horrible, and b) entirely too ambitious by a third and pretty indicative of how I go about writing nowadays
I am tinytalkingtina and I can verify this statement. However her skills have vastly improved since then
y’all this is why @tinytalkingtina‘s still one of my closest friends after, what, a decade or so? and blundering my way out of the closet, and mangling the English language, and so on. she’s still got my back on fics that i’d rather disown.
THE INTERNET DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MY WEREWOLF STORY THAT WAS AN ELABORATE METAPHOR FOR MENSTRUATION. Ahem. That being said Lily is an excellent writer and I will fight you if you disagree.
can i disagree
is that allowed
I’m pretty sure best friends will fight their best friends in these particular instances, yes.
most blessed social interaction of the day? there was a dog in the car next to me at a stop light and his owner noticed me cooing over him so she rolled the window down and i rolled mine down and she shouted “HIS NAME IS CHECKERS!” and i said “HI CHECKERS!” and checkers, that amazingly good boy, lit up like a christmas tree and wagged his beautiful tail
if you’re struggling for AU ideas take a look-see at this list i wrote for my friend who dubbed it “better than the 10 commandments"
1) Coffee shop AU
i)
Barista and person who has a ridiculous coffee
order
ii)
I’m worried about your coffee dependency
iii)
you accidentally poured boiling hot coffee over
me so you’re responsible for taking me to A&E
iv)
you give me a different fake name every time you
come into starbucks and I just want to know your real name bc ur cute but here
I am scrawling “batman” onto your stupid cappuccino
2)
Flower shop AU
i)
You buy a weird amount of flowers and I’m
concerned as to why
ii)
I’m allergic to flowers but I work in a flower
shop – you’re a customer who’s very confused as to why I’d do that
iii)
(this is also a good way to incorporate flower
meanings eg, buying certain colours/types for person to represent feelings etc.)
3)
Library AU
i)
You’re overdue on this book and I want it so I’m
tracking u the fuck down
ii)
I work in the library and I’m a little concerned
for your health bc you never stop studying
iii)
The library’s pretty empty save for you and me
and OH that couple making out loudly in the shelves somewhere
4)
Awful first time meeting
i)
I accidentally punched you in the face when I
was too overexcited about something
ii)
I thought you were my friend who’s just done
something awful to me (read: cut my hair while I slept, dyed all of my clothes
pink, etc. etc.) because you look similar from behind so I stormed up to you
and shoved you from behind while calling you an asshole
iii)
You get the gist to this one
iv)
Oooh when you told me your name I thought you
were joking because it’s fucking awful and I made a joke about it and things
got awkward real fucking fast (perfect for a Hannibal au just saying)
5)
Weird places to meet/awkward meetings in general
i)
We live in the same block of flats but haven’t
ever talked and Sunday morning we were both doing the walk of shame and had to
stand in the lift together
ii)
“okay I know that being in the woods at 2am is a
weird thing to be doing but my friend called me and- wait, why are you in the woods at 2am, fuck I’m going
to die aren’t I?”
iii)
A personal favourite of mine – first day at a
new job and oh fuck my boss is the person I drunkenly hooked up with last
weekend/night
iv)
We keep accidentally running into each other I’m
not a stalker I swear
v)
You live across from me in our apartments and we
smile when we see each other but we don’t really know each other and oh you’re
the stripper at my friend’s stag do/hen night fuck this is really uncomfortable
vi)
“My shower’s broken but I’ve got a date tonight
could I possibly use your shower please?” “Oh sure (neighbour that I’ve been crushing on for the past six months) of course you can use my shower to get ready for your date (fuck fuck fuck)”
6)
Friends to romance – pining and all that
wonderful shit
i)
You’ve got a date tonight and you asked for
advice on what to wear but I’m so in love with you and damn you look good in the outfit I picked out for you
ii)
I really like you but you’re my best friend’s ex
iii)
You’ve liked me for ages and were really obvious
about it and I didn’t like all the attention but now you’re over me I really
miss it and fuck I think I like you too?
iv)
Somewhere along the way of getting into bar
fights together, staying up all night with movie marathons, other friendship
things, I’ve fallen in love with you but oh my god this could ruin EVERYTHING
v)
Friends with benefits oh wait I like you
7)
FAKE DATING HOLY SHIT I LIVE FOR THIS
i)
It’s my highschool reunion and I need a hot date
so I can rub it in the faces of the people who hated me
ii)
My homophobic parents are coming to visit will
you pretend to date me as an extra “fuck you”?
iii)
There’s a person who won’t stop bugging me will
you pretend to be my partner so that they’ll fuck off?
iv)
I told my sister I have a boyfriend so she’d
stop trying to set me up with people but now she’s coming to visit and I’m in
too deep I need a fake boyf ASAP
8)
Soulmate aus
i)
The first words your true love(s) will say to
you are tattooed on you and why the fuck are their first words something really
ridiculous like ‘I’ll pay you a tenner to punch me in the face’ or ‘quick
what’s your favourite animal’ or ‘fucking shit hell holy fuck wow oh my god
jesus h Christ fuck me’ etc. or even worse a really ridiculous song lyric like the opening lines of uptown funk or a high
school musical song or smthing did you have to serenade me the first time you
saw me asshole?
ii)
You get an ‘impression’ of your soulmate when
you turn 18 or something but all I got was a strong smell of bananas or an
overwhelming feeling that Thatcher was a good prime minister or an image in my
mind of a fucking unicorn
iii)
The more ridiculous the better actually
iv)
Something like whenever your soulmate sings a
duet you can’t help but join in and my fucking soulmate is in a goddamn band
but I can’t sing for shit
v)
Or maybe something like soulmates always sneeze
at the same time and I cant be sure but me and this kid in my French class just
sneezed at the same time are we soulmates or was it a coincidence (proceed w
character trying to make themselves sneeze around said person to see what’s
what)
9)
Alternate universes for real
i)
Mermaids
ii)
Siren and asexual pirate who doesn’t understand
why all his crew are losing their shit that person has a nice voice sure but
what the fuck is happening
iii)
Hogwarts
iv)
We live in a world where the greek gods are real
and you went and got yourself cursed and now I have to go on a fucking quest to
sort this shit out why do I love you again?
v)
Pacific rim au (either they’re drift compatible
or one of them is a ranger and the other stresses constantly bc what if they
die yes I have read a fic like this no I didn’t come up with this one but it’s
fucking good) (also if you haven’t seen that film go watch it now)
vi)
Literally any movie or book universe you like
tbh just go for it
10)
Other aus that I like
i)
I wanted to go on the ferris wheel but there has
to be two people to a cart come on random person let’s go oh wait are we stuck
at the top? Fuck
ii)
We work in the same office and you have a
goddamn squeaky chair and you wONT FUCKING STOP SQUEAKING IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW
IT ANNOYS ME
iii)
Our mutual friend set us up on a blind date and
I thought I’d hate it but you’re actually… kind of funny? But because I expected to hate it in no way am I going to let you change my mind just because you’re gorgeous and funny and intelligent oh no my friend is not winning this
iv)
It started to snow and I’m the only one of our
friends who would go outside with you – I soon found out why none of the others
would go out in the snow with you (this works best if they’re new friends who
don’t know each other all that well) when you shoved a handful of snow down my
back and declared snow war
v)
It’s nowhere near Christmas it’s literally still
November would you calm down about Christmas wait no why are you getting the
tree out no stop please stop (if you do this pre-relationship you can have the
grouchy one secretly finding the other’s excitement endearing and falling in
love with them actually that works for established relationship too)
vi)
Current partner got a new job in America (or
other country far away) and we’re getting by on skype calls and emails but it’s
not easy and then I met someone new (can be poly or can be finding the OTP person)
vii)
You want us both to get in shape and I hate
working out/running but your ass looks really good in shorts oh the things I do
for my friends and their nice asses
viii) Carrying
on from 10.vii. you’ve caught me checking you out in what I thought was a
subtle way too many times and now you’re calling me out on it what do I do???
ix)
You’re an actor/other famous person that I
really admire and I just saw you in the street and as I was debating whether or
not to say hi you came up to me and
started flirting what do I do??
x)
You were waving at your friend behind me but I
got confused and waved back at you and now I’m dying of embarrassment but you
think it’s cute
xi)
I sat down in the wrong class and I’m panicking
but don’t want to get up and leave because the class has started and you think
it’s hilarious and shut up you dumb fuck you don’t know me aahhh
xii)
I’m a waiter at this wedding and you’re a drunk
guest who will not stop hitting on me please I’m trying to work no I can’t
dance with you omg let me find you some water
xiii) Our
best friends are that awful ‘cute’ couple that make-out in public and call each
other “sweetie” and “sugar” and “babe” and god they’re awful let’s talk about
how awful they are – develops into “shit we’re the awful couple now”
xiv) You
pissed me off in class so I threw a book at your head and now I’m in detention
and jesus fuck I hate you so much and the teacher made me apologise and wait
you’re cuter up close and the way you talk is kind of nice actually oh fuck no
Okay I could go on forever but this is over 1,500 words of
auing already I have too many ideas christ
do you ever look back at a childhood memory and think that it should have by all rights become a significant theme in your life and you wonder why the fuck those things/people haven’t come back around yet and then remember that your life isn’t a perfectly plotted out novel?
Aww shucks. It’s almost like I asked for this opportunity. (I did. Thank you for indulging me, @laughingthelaughiest) General warnings for the description of things involved with terrible car accidents – aka screeching metal and lots of blood. Happy ending though, I promise! Nobody died.
I am six years old. My father plows snow in the winter months, which means that bolted onto the front of his work truck is a very heavy snow plow that – when not in use – rests primly about a foot above the ground like a lady lifting up her skirts as she steps over a puddle.
“Hey kiddo, do you want to come to work with me?” my dad asks one day during a relatively minor* snowstorm.
(* minor my ass)
Because there was nothing more exciting to me at this time in my life than sitting in a warm truck and watching what is essentially a large metal trough push tons of snow from one end of a parking lot to the other, I practically yell, “WHY YES DAD, THAT SOUNDS GREAT!!!” and we get in the truck.
Only instead of arriving at our intended destination, we encounter a car coming from the opposite direction that spins out on a patch of black ice and manages to hurtle broadside at full speed into the plow.
I am pretty much just flung forwards, and terrible things happen to my face when my body continues on its general trajectory towards the windshield. Thanks, momentum!
Luckily (and novel-like), there was a nurse a couple of cars behind us who stopped to see if everyone was okay. She opened my door to find that I was very clearly not okay, and while my father did his best to staunch the blood that was streaming down my face, she tasked herself with keeping me conscious until the paramedics arrived.
Being six and probably concussed, she didn’t talk to me about anything complicated. I did not know who the president was. I sure as heck couldn’t have told you the date. But my favorite subject in school? I know that! Reading! My favorite color? Yellow! My favorite animal? GIRAFFES.
It’s important at this stage to mention that this car accident occurred on a street where people lived, and there had been a group of boys playing in the snow two houses up from where the truck stopped. Boys + crushed cars + blood = apparently just riveting, because a couple of them were staring at me/the vehicles from a couple yards away.
At my presumably slurred but very enthusiastic response of “GIRAFFES!” one of these boys split off from the rest and hoofed it through the snow towards his house. I was too focused on wanting to sleep and the nurse not letting me to notice this, but it for sure happened. As you will see.
Several sirens later, I am loaded into the ambulance wearing a neck brace and what feels like all of the gauze on planet Earth. My dad climbs in next to me, and the paramedic is just about to shut the doors when there’s a very small voice from outside.
We are all as so:
My father: probably still terrified that I’m going to die, literally could not care less what this other tiny child who is not his has to say, wants to get to the hospital, still has to call and tell my mom that I’m injured
The paramedic: good at his job, knows I’m stable, has a moment to spare, leans back out of the ambulance.
Myself: still in shock, staring up at the rows of medical supplies and disgustingly bright lighting, more concerned that my dad will crush my fingers than anything else going on in, say, the bleeding face area. (Severe head injury? Who’s she? DAD I KNOW YOU LOVE ME BUT PLEASE LET GO OF MY HAND THAT HURTS.)
The boy who had hoofed it home and then evidently hoofed it right back: “Would you please give this to the little girl who got hurt?”
Me now in the year 2018: wanting to cry because I still can’t believe this is a real thing that happened to me in real life and it wasn’t a dream it was real
So the paramedic says “Yes, of course. She’ll love it!” or something equally as efficient because I am still technically quite injured and they really do need to get to the hospital at some point. The boy leaves, the door is shut, the paramedic sets something on the stretcher next to me.
[pause for dramatic effect]
We tried to find the kid who gave him to me, but nothing ever came of it. In the back of my fully healed head I’m still waiting for the novel that must be my life to shoehorn that boy back into the plot. Where are you, giraffe man? I have to thank you for the best gift I’ve ever been given.
Steel Phoenix Studios 