cricketcat9:

cair–paravel:

complete guide to writing a bestselling novel (or at least the title)

So maybe you’re stuck on that novel you’re writing, or maybe you haven’t even started it, but here’s a guide to making up a title that publishers (apparently, judging from bookshops) like. Also some tips on what your cover should be. (To be clear, I’m joking).

generic fiction bestseller:

• The *insert weird occupation here* of *insert place name here*. Examples: The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris, The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley 
• The Life / Death of *insert something quirky or name here*. Examples: The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Díaz, Life of Pi by Yann Martel
• The Girl with the *insert literally anything you want here*. Examples: The Girl with a Clock for a Heart by Peter Swanson, The Girl with Glass Feet by Ali Shaw, The Girl with the Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier, The Girl with Botticelli Eyes by Herbert Leiberman

COVER: out-of-focus photo of a woman in a 1950s blue dress with her face turned away + ‘a novel’ + ‘unbearably poignant… a truly unique achievement’ (The Guardian).

‘I’m here to win the Booker Prize’:

• *Ambiguously significant yet extremely vague one-word title. No ‘The’*. Examples: Milkman by Anna Burns, Possession by A. S. Byatt, Atonement by Ian McEwan, Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks
• The History of *insert something unexpected here*. Examples: A Brief History of Seven Killings by Marlon James, True History of the Kelly Gang by Peter Carey, History of Wolves by Emily Fridlund, A History of the World in 10½ Chapters by Julian Barnes
• The *insert adjective here* Children OR The Children’s *insert noun here*. Examples: Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie, The Children’s Book by A. S. Byatt, The Children Act by Ian McEwan

COVER: out-of-focus extreme close-up of something that is no longer identifiable + title and author in most generic font available + ‘devastating’ (The Times).

historical fiction:

• The *insert weird occupation here*. Examples: The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton, Painter to the King by Amy Sackville, The King’s Witch by Tracy Borman
• The *insert weird occupation here*’s Daughter / Wife / Sister. Examples: The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, The Witchfinder’s Sister by Beth Underdown, The Kingmaker’s Daughter by Philippa Gregory
• The *insert weird adjective or colour here* *insert royal or noble rank here*. Examples: The Half-Drowned King by Linnea Hartsuyker, The Strangled Queen by Maurice Druon, The Philosopher Prince by Paul Waters

COVER: close-up of painting vaguely from relevant era OR blurry photograph if novel is about post-1900 + one word of the title in fancy italicised font + ‘masterful storytelling’ (well-known author of other historical fiction).

3000-page first book of a bad fantasy series that will have ten more books:

• The Shadow of the *insert somewhat abstract noun here*. Examples: Shadow of Night by Deborah Harkness, The Shadow of What Was Lost by James Islington, A Shadow of All Light by Fred Chappell
• The *insert royal or noble rank here* of the *insert something magic-related here*. Examples: Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence, Lady of Magick by Sylvia Izzo Hunter, King of Ashes by Raymond E. Feist
• The *insert weird occupation here*’s Apprentice. Examples: The Glasswrights’ Apprentice by Mindy Klasky, The Alchemist’s Apprentice by Dave Duncan, The Thief-Taker’s Apprentice by Stephen Deas
• The *insert literally anything you want here* of the Assassin. Examples: Assassin’s Price by L. E. Modesitt, Jr., Blood of Assassins by R. J. Barker, Assassin’s Gambit by Amy Raby

COVER: photoshop-produced picture of tall figure in a swishy coat with a sword + everything is slightly the wrong colour, probably green + obnoxiously gothic font + melodramatic blurb.

crime/thriller/detective novel:

• *Bad pun using the word ‘dead’ or ‘death’*. Examples: Dead Ringers by Christopher Golden, The Dead Beat by Doug Johnstone, Dead If I Don’t by Urban Waite, Dead Scared by S. J. Bolton, A Little Death by A. J. Cross
• The Midnight *insert anything you want here*. Examples: The Midnight Line by Lee Child, Midnight Rambler by James Swain, The Midnight House by Alex Berenson, Midnight Guardians by Jonathon King
• *One-word title that has been used by at least fifty thousand authors before and will guarantee that no one will ever be able to tell your book apart from other generic thrillers*. Examples: Ambush by James Patterson, The Reckoning by John Grisham, Crisis by Felix Francis, Exposure by Aga Leseiwicz

COVER: picture of a woman alone in a train station in high contrast lighting with neon lights flashing in the background + title in huge letters + ‘my heart literally stopped while reading this book and I’m writing this from the hospital’ (slightly better-known author of thrillers).

romance novel:

• To Seduce a OR Seduced by a *insert noble or royal rank here*. Examples: Seduced by the Sultan by Sharon Kendrick, Royally Seduced by Marie Donovan, When Seducing a Duke by Katheryn Smith
• The *insert any 18th-century male occupation here* of the Highlands. Examples: Hero in the Highlands by Suzanne Enoch, The Highland Duke by Amy Jarecki, Seduced by her Highland Warrior by Michelle Willingham
• The Rake’s *insert role occupied by female or just basically anything you want here*. Examples: A Pregnant Courtesan for the Rake by Diane Gaston, A Rake’s Midnight Kiss by Anna Campbell, A Rake’s Guide to Seduction by Caroline Linden

COVER: man with a six-pack and inflated pectoral muscles and a woman in red dress with a slit all up her leg in an anatomically impossible embrace next to a castle + embossed title in a tacky font + either red or light blue colour scheme.

Excellent, excellent advice here!  I wonder if the daughter/wife/sister  (titles that immediately make me grind my teeth) work as well for son/husband/brother, as in: “The Cafeteria-Cook’s Son”, “The Night Nurse’s Husband”, “The Beautician’s Brother”? Also, you can’t go wrong with anything with “Paris” in it. For my autobiography it will be probably “My Wild Nights in Paris” – cover with the out of focus Tour Eiffel at night, black/neon orange colours, or “Parisian Memoirs” – cover: out of focus girl in striped t-shirt, out of focus bridge on the Seine in the background. Who cares that I spent less than 6 months in Paris once upon a time. Paris sells.