One of my neighbors had a REALLY FAT golden retriever she adopted, that needed to be put on a diet, but even super-low-cal food wasn’t working, becuase Ella was still hungry and would open the cabinet to eat the whole bag. Vet suggested that she needed a filler Food so she could feel full without the extra calories, and suggested canned green beans, which are mostly fiber and lean protein.
Ella fucking LOVES green beans. She does a dance for them if you mention them. Her ‘sibling’ the police academy washout shepherd, thinks she’s insane.
Even if your pet doesn’t like green beans*, offering them a canned green bean is inevitably HILARIOUS becuase they’ll either be thrilled or otherwise make strange faces. Results so far:
Ella (golden retriever): Overjoyed. gets up on her hind legs to dance without prompting.
Sampson (Black shepherd): Offended, yells until you give him REAL treats.
Cody (Gentleman shepherd): is concerned, becuase this is Obviously Not Food. Gently takes it to be polite, leaves it out in the yard.
Minx (Domestic Shorthair cat): Smelly Toy Is Hilarious, batted under the couch.
Tiger (Really Fat Domestic Shorthair cat): Total disgust, hissing and sulking in the Prosciutto box. Came out and ate it later anyway.
Wanda (corn snake) we didn’t expect her to be interested but she spent like three minutes licking it.
Sadie AKA Marquis De Sade (Hyacinth Macaw) ignored bean in favor of dumping can on the floor, sticking head in can and screaming. Did not attempt to bite, which is Very Nice for her.
Arwen (Australian Kelpie): ate bean, waited until humans were out of the room to consume rest of the can, got costco-sized can stuck on face and pooped green for three days. Regets nothing.
Empanada/Anderson Cooper/#3 (Plymouth Hens): Excited screaming, kickboxing tournament over possession of beans/can. #3 was ultimately victorious, becuase She is Fattest.
Big Angus (scottish highland cow, I know, ironic): very polite and delicate acceptance of beans for appx 1700 lbs of beef, will now run full-tilt across pasture to meet me, which scared the crap out of me tbh.
Will post further updates as I am allowed to try.
*Please always cionsult a vet before making any dietary changes or offering your pet new foods, but green beans are pretty safe for most pets you can keep in America
YOU HAVE SO MANY ANIMALS
Oops! just to clarify- only Charlie, Cody and Arwen belong to my family, and the rest are pets for friends and neighbors. (I only offered green bean with their parent’s permission). I do have some Updates:
Potato (domestic shorthair cat): Disgruntles hissing, bit the crap out of his owner’s hand, dumped the can out and took the can into his kitty hole. refuses to let her remove the can.
Oingo Boingo (betta fish): Got real poofy, bit the shit out of it, discovered the beans, loved them, tore the snot out of the case for more. (Pls note: frozen beans were used for this as the sodium in canned ones can be dangerous)
Dorito (Sun Conure): Delighted shrieking, happy dance, grabbed entire bag out of owner’s hand, tore it open and threw beans everywhere. climed inside bag, ate a whole bunch before he could be retrieved and returned to his enclosure.
Maureen (Domestic Longhair Cat): Small, awed “mew” before awkwardly gnawing on it. Didn’t actually eat it, but apparently she loved chewing on them, becuase whenever someone opens the freezer, she runs over and sits up on her hind legs to bed for them.
My Chiweenie back in WA is utterly obsessed and got rather round in a way that wasn’t healthy for her back so the vet suggested green beans. She thinks they are almost as good as cheese, which was the gods gift to dogs as far as both she and I are concerned. When the can or bag is retrieved she will sit up on her short little back legs and make a garbled howl like the world’s smollest hound and then end it in a sharp, pleading bark. It is fantastically adorable.
1. That’s Adorable. 2. As many people have pointed out, canned green beans can be high in sodium, so be sure to rinse the beans off or use frozen/fresh ones, and always check with your vet before making any dietary changes. 3. UPDATES:
Ravenna and Esme (former racing greyhounds): Ravenna snarled at the bag, ripped it open and barked at the beans for five minutes until Esme started to nibble at them, then they ate a 2-lb bag of frozen beans in about twelve minuts and farted for three days.
Rozencrantz and Guildenstern (Garden Snails, kept by my Nintey-five-year-old neighbor becuase he loves them) I’ve never seen snails go bananas over something but they devoured a fresh bean each in under an hour. they now get them every Sunday.
Dennis (Tennesee Walking Horse): wonderfully gentle and lippy taking the beans from me the first time. Nearly swallowed my hand in eagerness the next time they were offered. He’s a special boy.
Hagrid (Domestic hog): *Open Maw and Demonic Shrieking as I toss them in from the other side of the fence. He’s very enthusiastic about catching them and didn’t miss one, even though I’m terrible at throwing things to the point of failing PE in high school.
I’ve mentioned my favorite art history professor to @systlin a few times, but there’s one story of him that stays with me. So for you, Plant Aunt, I’ve crafted a tale of one immortal spitefully making sure another immortal finally gets his:
The running joke among David’s students is that our beloved professor is clearly an immortal. How else could we explain his small office crammed with illuminated manuscripts, Scythian and Mongolian bows, 3rd cent. Roman gladii, near-Eastern rugs and ancient swords? The way he sighed wistfully in class and told us how beautiful the Parthenon was when it was new and, “not just a damn tourist attraction”? It wasn’t uncommon for us to see him hefting a sword over his shoulder, leather trench coat flapping in the wind, flipping off the head of security who really should have stopped trying by now.
It was also a running joke that our favorite immortal just did not get technology. I worked at our Help Desk for all four years of college, and David would always request one of his students to come and fix his computer.
“This computer isn’t fast enough,” he told me once, polishing an enameled chalice. Google maps was still loading on the page, trying to parse the coordinates he entered. It was likely looking ten centuries too late. “It needs more of that RAM. Really. I could be soaring over ancient Rome like a bird!”
After repeat requests, he got a brand-new Macbook Pro, which he promptly abandoned for his antique slide projector.
“I just don’t get the new technology,” he shrugged. “You can’t get the feel of things.”
That was the only sentiment he shared with his nemesis.
??? someone broke into my grandmas house while she was gone & shaved the matted fur off her cat
i want to emphasize that the cat was the only thing altered here
would also like to add that this occcurred sometime between 11 pm & 9 am. we have no leads. the cat is fine & probably appreciates not having a huge mat on his neck, but, like, that’s a really weird kind of vigilante justice, still
It gets even better, because he was doing all of this on a pitch black night. This dude swam towards a lure, slapped at it with his glove, and when it got caught; he let himself float and tugged on the line so the fisherman thought he had hooked a 100+ pound salmon. Once he was finally up to the shore, he turned a flashlight on in the guy’s face and walked out of the water, saying “good morning, gentlemen. State fish and game warden, you’re under arrest.“
At this point, the guy who had reeled him in had literally fallen over in shock, and the other people with him were scared shitless. The warden whipped some citations out of a plastic bag in his wetsuit, made the trespassers sign them, asked if they had any questions, and then gathered all of their fishing gear. And he just. Walked back into the river. And quietly swam away, without another word.
Steel Phoenix Studios 