So apparently my sister has had a fake girlfriend for the last like two years
Thanks for asking.
So the other night I’m sitting in bed studying or watching Netflix or just being a lazy bum cause I was sick, I don’t remember exactly, but Sam comes in and joins me in my bed.
“Kee,” she says eventually. “I need to tell you something cause it’s gonna come up at the karate party, and I need you to know so you don’t act weird.”
And I’m like “Okay? Why is something coming up at the karate party? Why do you think I’m going to act weird? Why does this matter? You’re not even in karate.”
And she’s like “Yeah, but Eliza is.”
So I’m trying to figure out what the heck she’s talking about and I’m like “So? What do you think we do at karate parties? Tell our best friends’ deep dark secrets?”
And she laughs and is like “No, but I’m gonna be there as Eliza’s plus one.”
And I’m like “What? We didn’t get a plus one. What are you talking about?”
And she’s like “Yeah, but you’re allowed to bring your significant other and your kids if you have them, right? I’m coming as Eliza’s significant other.”
So of course I’m like “What? Since when are you and Eliza dating?”
And she rolls her eyes and is like “We’re not. It’s fake.”
So from what I got, this is the gist of their “relationship”:
Once upon a time in grade 12, Sam and Eliza figured out a way to scam the system of conditional plus ones on invitations. If you pretended to be dating, you could bring your best friend to anything that significant others were allowed to come to.
They’ve never kissed or done anything more than hold hands and refer to each other as “my girlfriend” on their dating adventures, and their “dates” are limited to parties where the chances of someone who knows they aren’t actually dating are low. Apparently they’ve got a lock down on being each other’s plus ones to weddings, at whatever point they start getting invited to weddings that aren’t just them tagging along with their parents and weddings are super fun so they want to maximize the number of weddings they get to go to.
Their “anniversary” is around Halloween, since the first time thy tried their loophole was for a Halloween party for some club that Eliza was in.
So yeah. I guess last year while Eliza was at uni with me and Sam was in a college in our hometown, there were quite a few times that Sam drove down and stayed at Eliza’s dorm for the weekend just because there was some party or event or whatever that Eliza was allowed to bring a significant other to and “Kee, it’s ridiculous. Why wouldn’t you bring an extra person if you’re allowed to? It’s like they’re just begging people to find this loophole. We’re basically geniuses. We get like twice as much free food.”
Apparently the only reason I haven’t been told until now is because Sam thought I’d judge her or make it into a big deal or something, and there really wasn’t any reason to tell me because there hadn’t been a situation where I’d also be there.
Until the karate party.
Because Eliza’s in my dojo and I was also going to be at the karate party.
So I had to swear on my eventual degree that I was not going to tell our parents or anyone else because “this is top secret, Kee. It’s need to know only, and Mom definitely does not need to know” and to be chill about it at the karate party.
“So,” Sam asks, leaning back against my pillows. “Who’re you bringing to the karate party.”
“No one. I’m not dating anyone.”
“Lame. You should get a fake relationship. They’re great.”
So anyway their “dating” at the karate party was basically the same as their regular relationship. They sat next to each other. They shared food from each other’s plates. It was pretty funny watching them field questions about their relationship though.
“So how long have you known each other?” “Oh, since kindergarten.” “That’s so cute.” “I know. We were both pretty cute when we were kids. I don’t know what happened to Eliza.” “Please. I’m still adorable, and you know it.”
There’s this one dude in the dojo who’s been in a bunch of classes with Eliza and they’re friends outside of karate too and he shows up late to the party and is all “Sam! It’s great to finally meet you! I’ve heard so much about you!” Because apparently Eliza’s told him about her “girlfriend”? According to her, he doesn’t know it’s fake, and I’m kind of confused and Sam also looked kind of shocked that he expected her to be there so idk what’s going on there.
But yeah. That’s the story of my sister and her fake girlfriend. I’m sure they’ve got some funny fake-date stories but I don’t know them yet.
A couple other things:
Sam and Eliza have been best friends since kindergarten and Eliza’s family lives just up the road from mine back home, so Eliza is basically another little sister to me
I don’t actually know either of their sexualities. I’ve never actually seen Sam when she’s got a crush or is into someone and we were never really into fawning over celebrities or anything growing up, so I don’t know who she’s into. I do know she’s never been on an actual date outside of her fake dates with Eliza and that she hasn’t had her first kiss yet.
And, considering I don’t know my sister’s sexuality, I feel like it’d be a little odd to know Eliza’s since, as far as I know, she also hasn’t actually non-fake dated anyone either. Factoring in the group of kids they went through high school with, I’m really not surprised about any of this. There really weren’t any good dating candidates there.
That all being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them were bi or day or anything, or if this was just them failing at transitioning from friends to more. They would honestly be a cute couple if they were into girls and wanted to date each other. So I approve, if that’s the direction this ends up heading.
People from the events they’ve gone to as dates keep asking about them and they’ve been keeping up the charade whenever they run into these people or otherwise talk to them (why it wouldn’t be easier to just be like “oh we broke up actually” I don’t know but I had to swear I wouldn’t judge so this is just me stating facts and not judging lol) so apparently they’re going to have a photo shoot in a pumpkin patch for their two year anniversary??? so they can send these people pictures??? and I think as apparently the only person in on this secret I’m pretty sure I’m going to be roped into being the photographer??? which all could be seen as a little extra, but I’m not allowed to judge.
Honestly this whole thing is ridiculous but I’m legally not allowed to judge but I never swore against waiting for the inevitable moment when this is going to blow up in their faces hilariously
Life, once again, succeeding at being both less dramatic and much weirder than fanfic.
One of these days, they’re going to end up getting fake-married, just to keep up the charade, and so that they can go on a fake honeymoon together, and I really want an update when that happens.
I mean tbh it’s quite possible haha. My sister keeps complaining that our cousin is taking too long to have her wedding because she really wants to go to a wedding and why don’t we ever get invited to weddings? So that plus the amount of free gifts you get from getting married could theoretically make this the next step in their plan haha. Or at least fake engaged so they can have wedding showers and then call off the wedding and never return the gifts haha
Please report back in like 1-5 years depending on how bad this slow burn is
my god this is better than any fake dating fanfic i’ve read so far
please read the philadelphia city council’s resolution about gritty
this is the greatest thing i’ve read all week. quoting just one part is basically impossible because it’s all gold.
WHEREAS, A man who inked Gritty’s face onto his leg captured the feelings of countless
Philadelphians: “At first, I was disgusted. I was like, what the hell is this? Why did you do this?
Why is this a thing? It was like an hour after that I fell in love with him”;
only one council member opposed, stating “he ugly.”
today I learned that there’s a town in Quebec where a bunch of people grow giant pumpkins, and on one very special day a year, cut them up, empty them, and use them as a canoe. then have a race. a pumpkin race. it’s even called ‘the potirothon’, from potiron (pumpkin) and marathon.
gather round, folks, that i may pass down the tale of Fuck-It Jonn, because that dude is just the GREATEST FUCKING CONMAN in the WORLD, and he WASN’T EVEN TRYING. he absolutely fucking STUMBLED ON ACCIDENT into THE SCAM THAT WOULD DEFINE HIS ENTIRE LIFE. the lie that transformed his ENTIRE EXISTENCE out of SHEER RANDOM BULLSHIT.
and his sole motivation was to EAT FINGER FOOD.
consider:
in the Wayback Days™ before i was born, the people who would later become my parents had this friend named… yeah, let’s say jonn. i’d rather not say his real name. bitches not snitches, and all that.
so. france in the late 80s. jonn and my parents had just finished school and all found jobs in computer engineering. (not that they STUDIED computer engineering, mind you. no, they were all studying how to become fish farmers or some shit. but those were simpler times, when knowing how to turn the fucking screen on got you a comfortable salary at the ripe old age of 24 years old.)
except that jonn, who was a chill hippie kind of dude, was bored to death by his desk job. so bored that he decided to just up and quit. “fuck it”, was basically jonn’s motto. fuck it, he’d find something better! fuck it, and things would work out! EXCEPT (as you may have guessed) THEY DIDN’T. for months and months he didn’t find another job. and so he ended up depressed, struggling, and eating dinner at my future-parents’ tiny apartment, three times a week, so he wouldn’t literally starve.
time went by. jonn was still unemployed. so before his resources hit rock bottom, jonn did the only logical, reasonable thing. what’s that, you ask? begged for his old job back? went back to school? crawled home to his parents? ha ha! obviously you do not share jonn’s ADVENTUROUS AND ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT. and also you lack his BIZARRE LOGIC AND PLAIN WEIRD APPROACH TO LIFE.
what jonn did was: say “fuck it” (again) and leave for thailand.
because you see, thailand was cheap by french standards. so cheap that even a penniless dude on unemployment could live there for weeks on end, spending much less than he would have in france, as long as he didn’t mind roughing it. and jonn didn’t mind! “fuck it”, he’d said. and by god, he would stand by his words!
so jonn gamely scrounged up the money for the plane ticket and then… yeah. basically bummed it out in thailand. for two months. seeing the sights. sleeping on the street. making new friends.
and one of these news friends turned out to be very adept at FORGING PAPERS.
huh, jonn said to himself (probably high at the time) this sounds not at all shifty and more like a ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY; what could POSSIBLY GO WRONG. my new thai best friend is even offering me a FAMILY DISCOUNT. for fake papers. fuck it! let’s have some!
as far as i can tell, jonn… didn’t even need fake papers?? like, he was literally just trying not to pass up on an opportunity here. so he smoked some more weed (i can only assume) and got A BRILLIANT IDEA. fake ID card? LAME. fake driver’s licence? HACKNEYED. fake medical degree? PEDESTRIAN. no! jonn got himself a fake press card.
but why??
well, OBVIOUSLY, just so he could get into cultural events for free – conferences, art premieres, etc – and eat all the finger food. that was his grand plan. stroll into press-only events, wave his poorly-made card around, and gorge himself on canapés. no more going hungry! ever! jonn would live off tiny slices of toasted foie gras and flutes of cheap champagne for the rest of his life!
so now jonn, Very Obviously Fake Journalist™, is back in france and he’s DOING THE THING. and guess what? this was before google. before facebook. before linkedin. impersonating a journalist was very easy. if people asked where you worked you just said you were freelance, then steered the conversation to current politics and stealthily devoured the entire buffet while everybody was busy debating.
and so. this is what jonn is doing. his monumentally stupid plan is actually working. this is how he eats. with thai-made fake papers and sheer fucking confidence. and of course people start noticing him eventually! jonn is always fucking there! at all and any events in paris! because, again, THIS IS HOW HE EATS! but it’s always the same people running around in these circles, anyway. so nobody’s surprised to see the same dudes popping up over and over again. jonn blends in! and jonn is very good at making friends. and changing the subject. and eating canapés.
and then ONE DAY
one of jonn’s newfangled journalist friends (a REAL journalist, mind you, who has NO IDEA that jonn isn’t What He Seems) basically goes: “dude i’m so swamped rn. everyone wants everything all at once. fuck. shit. are you swamped too?”
“oh, for sure,” jonn says through a mouthful of his twenty-ninth serving of canapés that night. “not a second to myself”
“god. fuck. tell me about it. shit. i’m just so damn swamped.” Real Journalist shakes his head. “if i could only find someone to cover for me on this one article.”
now, i know i said before that jonn was smoking weed. but i must confess now i said it for humorous effect. i have no idea if jonn’s ever been within five hundred yards of a blunt his whole life. but what you must understand is that jonn is Chill™ on like. a soul-deep level. his whole mind is one long exhale of smoke followed by the words “fuck it”. this is a man who left his job for no reason, lived in thailand on a tourist’s visa for two months, got fake papers there for the lol of it all, and is now living off press-only events in paris. jonn was BORN HIGH.
SO. when RJ asks him: “dude. jonn. you said you were working freelance. i know you’re busy but don’t you think you could maybe cover for me? just this once?”
jonn NATURALLY answers: “fuck it. sure”
then goes to an unemployment center and applies for one of their free one-week classes. on journalism. jonn spends ALL OF ONE WEEK learning How To Write An Article Like A Real Journalist With A Real Press Card. then writes the article. basically bullshitting his way through that thing. half-assing the life out of it. faking his heart out. because why not? FUCK IT.
i have NO IDEA if he actually did a good job or not. but it was in fact good enough for RJ who really must have been truly swamped, and was so truly grateful that he told all of their mutual journalists friends. who were ALL SWAMPED. i’m given to understand it’s the natural state of the journalist in the wild.
and so jonn is now REGULARLY COVERING FOR ALL SORTS OF JOURNALISTS.
not making much money i assume. but still, not bad for a dude who studied journalism for five whole days.
and well, it’s kinda fun! better than moping around at home waiting for the next free canapé press-only premiere. so jonn keeps at it. and eventually it occurs to him that hey! he spent two months in thailand. why not make an article out of that? so he writes himself a lil paper, retelling his Bumtastic Adventures in the Land of Thai People, Cheap Living and Forged Papers (That Last One Having Nothing to Do With Him Personally of Course). and he’s kinda proud of it. so much that he gives it to his journalist friends. can they maybe pass it around? see if anybody would be interested in publishing it? for a modest fee and some more canapés?
and yeah. someone was in fact interested in publishing it. and that someone was:
THE
NATIONAL
GEOGRAPHIC
(french edition.)
so jonn got a REAL press card. got a FULL-TIME JOB at the national geographic. and spent the REST OF HIS WORK LIFE traveling abroad for six months, then going back to paris the rest of the year to write about his wacky journeys. he’s retired now, having published several books full of his articles and photographs. he’s bought a b&b in the french countryside with all his money. and continues to say “fuck it” to any problem that comes his way like the absolute fucking legend he is.
as far as i know, none of his journalist buddies nor his boss ever found out about any of this.
Apparently the dude who runs the crematorium is just fundamentally confused about how advertising works. He actually thought that the way you made an ad was you found a picture that got people’s attention … and then also included information about your company. He was genuinely surprised and baffled when people thought there was any relationship between the (independently nonsensical) captioned image and his cremation business. There were two more ads in the series that are equally, just… so much…
Dole’s required to defend their trademarks or they might lose them. That vaguely threatening letter reads to me as “I have to legally say this but I don’t want to because I’m laughing too hard and they’re actually giving us marketing, but…I have to say it.”
It lowkey reads like they saw these and went ‘omg we can actually hecking use this idea to make an approximation of these things IRL(except bigger).
…Actually, to be honest, that wouldn’t be an entirely stupid idea. Like. Prepackaged carrots or w/e that could go into school lunches. Maybe with the whole hallowe’en theme.
YOU DONT UNDERSTAND —- MY UNCLE IS A FARMER AND ONE DAY HE WAS GOING OUT TO CHECK HIS CROPS HE NOTICES A TRACTOR JUST GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES Thinks, “That’s weird, I go check it out” HIS FUCKING NEIGHBOR FELL OFF HIS TRACTOR AND GOT RAN OVER But he was on a slope So the tractor went around and around in circles Running him over each time and he was pressed into the ground like a fucking cartoon How long had he been there? Maybe an hour. He was alive, and fine. Just pressed into the dirt like Wile. E Coyote and was so stuck in there that he couldn’t move so he just kept getting run over until my uncle found him
Steel Phoenix Studios 
