Umbridge: Mr. Potter, do you expect to be attacked in my class?
Harry: Yes.
Umbridge: What?
Harry: Well, I mean, I’m running four for four.
Umbridge: Mr. Potter-
Harry: Quirrel tried to choke me out.
Umbridge: Mr. Potter-
Harry: And Lockhart tried to wipe my memory.
Umbridge: Mr. Potter-
Harry: Of course, Professor Lupin didn’t mean it. He just forgot his potion, but still, totally went werewolf on me.
Umbridge: MR. POTTER-
Harry: And then Moody turned out to be an escaped Death Eater in disguise.
Umbridge: POTTER!
Harry: So, yeah, I figure it’s 100% you’ll attack me in June, 50/50 you’ll try to kill me, with a 25% chance of an Unforgivable curse.
Harry: (Turns to Hermione)
Harry: Did I get the math right?
Hermione: Yes.
casual reminder that i wrote an 90-page novel when i was eight about a deranged pensioner who wants to take over the world and return everything to “The Good Old Days”, and which included such choice elements as
a really neurotic vegetarian vampire
alice cooper, for no apparent reason
an evil supermodel called miranda goth
three nine-year-olds climbing mount everest in diving helmets
the entire population of scotland appearing out of literally nowhere to help defeat the antagonists
“you can take our lives but you cannot take our trousers"
a few people have been asking me to post extracts from this so uh
here’s something
in 20 years i’ll be telling people how i first heard of the best novel ever written when it was a 500 notes post on tumblr
1. “you died and left me your children, even though they’re only a few years younger then me”
2. “you died and left me a haunted house”
3. “you died and left me an obscure magical object, I’m not sure what it does, and your instruction sheet just says ‘have fun storming the castle!’”
4. “you died and left me a fanatically loyal warrior order”
5. “you died and left me a bunch of money and a pile of really weird IOUs?! why did someone owe you a free body disposal. why did someone owe you two brides and a goat. why did someone owe you an island. WHY”
6. “you died and left me to repay a bunch of really weird IOUs”
7. “you died and left me a small country”
8. “you died and left me six research labs that operate in international waters and I’m kind of scared to find out why keeping them out there was a stipulation of the will”
9. “you died and left me a menagerie of animals that are supposed to be extinct? and some that aren’t supposed to be real??? where did you get unicorns. where did you get gryphons. where did you get pegasi???”
10. “you died and left me on the hook for a hereditary marriage contract”
Tomorrow is Friday. I wanna try my hand at a few of these cause inheritance is a trope I love too much in writing.
if you dont have me on facebook you are probably not missing out on any posts but the comment section is important too lmao
I went to the Renaissance faire dressed as a warrior. I had a real sword with me, too. I was standing (in character) next to a sword-fighting ring, where kids of all ages got the chance to pick up a sword and challenge the champion. Some woman walks by, with her little girl. The girl starts walking towards the ring, saying she wants to fight. But the mom pulled her away hella sharply, and was like, “That’s for boys.” You don’t want to be a BOY, do you?” And the girl looked around and saw me. I think she thought I was a boy; I had my hair in a ponytail, and was wearing a hood. So she comes up to me and asks me, “Do you think girls can be fighters, too?” And her mom looks like she’s silently gloating. Like she thinks I’m going to say no. So I take off my hood, untie my hair so that it flows freely, and kneel before her. And I’m like, “Milady, anyone can be a fighter.” I swear, the look on that mother’s face made my day.
This post was good but then it got better
Okay, this is a slight topic diversion, but in response to the above comment. I’ve volunteered at the CT Ren Faire for years now. For the last 5 or so I’ve worked in the game section, and we have a game similar to the above comment called “Smite the Knight”. I’ve been in the ring before, it’s a ton of fun getting to run around with the kids. The main goal is entertainment. Have a good shtick, keep the crowd engaged, and let the kids have a good time.
In both work and observing, I have learned something about kids. A lot of parents try to get their boys to go fight. Of the young ones that do, they tend to be shy. You get the ones who just swing the boffer swords around with no regard for life, but, mostly, they’re reserved. It’s adorable. I mean, they’re kids.
But the girls. THE GIRLS. Holy crap. I swear, the pinker the dress, the more taffeta and glitter…the more intensity. I remember, the first year I worked there, one girl came in, grabbed the biggest sword she could, and WENT TO TOWN on our knight. Lifted it over head, let out this primal scream and mowed him down. Homeboy is 6′2″, she was FIVE. And once he was in the fetal position (He was fine. It was for show.) on the ground, she stopped, put her foot on his chest, and yelled “I AM A FIERCE PRINCESS!!”. Later in the day when she walked by a couple of us yelled “Ah! It’s the fierce princess!” and she stopped and flexed. It was the best, and I will never forget that girl.
The most amazing part is that both actors are like 170 pounds and they’re both wearing full body suits and masks.
i stole this video off of tom on facebook the other day, because i lost my shit over it, then showed it to bat who proceeded to lose THEIR shit. it’s an ad, but it’s so fucking WELL DONE that honestly i don’t even care.
“what’s a pen license???? stupid australians lolololol”
well americans if you knew anything about other countries you’d know that in 1997 after the government outright banned anyone having guns ever in australia they widened the ban to cover other weapons
so like knives and rolling pins and shovels and things so you need a cookery license (you have to be 18 to buy a knife regardless) to buy one and for like hardware and tools – i mean, a hammer is a weapon and a half – you have to pay ten percent of your salary to a bunnings warehouse and then they’ll let you have a hammer. only if you have your tradesman’s license of course. and of course, your large animals license, if you want anything like a horse or a dog or a working emu.
so pens are pretty necessary to like everyday life, so the government hasn’t outlawed them (yet) but people need to take their pen license in primary school to demonstrate they won’t harm anyone with a pen and shall use it responsibly – that is, writing and self defence from cassowaries and drop bears and so on.
Subversive children in Australian primary schools who refuse or cannot
pass their pen license have been known to switch over to mechanical
pencils.
Little known fact, mechanical pencils are not considered weaponry largely based on the fact their mechanism differs from pens and despite their utility as a stabbing tool and their secondary projectile capabilities.
It’s a loop hole that the gun lobby has, oddly, been trying to close as they feel the ridiculous nature of requiring licenses to use pencils will force the Australian public to rescind the gun laws.
Personally I’m just waiting for somebody to notice the artists and their metal rulers.
Isn’t that a state/federal thing though? Because I know in Victoria they’ve barred rulers made from anything but flexible plastic or round-edged paper.
Oh shit. I use a metal ruler all the time. Is it too late to hand it in without being charged with an offence? I don’t need a buyback just amnesty. Fuck, my criminal record is pristine. Oh nooo.
I’m going to assume that some if not all of these laws are things you made up for a funny joke, because every Australian I’ve ever met is a gleeful vector of chaos.
pretty typical response for an ignorant yank how about you don’t make fun of other country’s sensible laws?
I don’t know why mechanical pencils are still legal. I know of at least two of my friends, and I have myself at least once, stabbed a classmate with these senseless weapons. The carnage must stop.
Haha okay, the teacher I have for YA Lit is amazing. I had her for Sci-Fi Fiction before. But the thing is she was given this class five days before it started since she’s taking over for another teacher.
how about you don’t make fun of other country’s sensible laws?
Steel Phoenix Studios 