We start with a slow pan down to Gotham as Oracle narrates
“Ask your average person who Gotham’s most famous citizen is, and you’ll get the same response every time: Bruce Wayne. Everybody’s heard of Bruce Wayne. You’ve probably heard his name a million times before. But there are some things that the average citizen doesn’t know about him. See, to the people of Gotham, Bruce Wayne is a rich kid who never grew up. They think he’s a buffoon, an airhead, a moron. But the truth is…”
*Batman bursts out of a window, screaming, on fire*
*record scratch, freeze frame*
“…they aren’t entirely wrong about that.”
EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
This is then followed by a series of clips from interviews with various Gotham citizens, all of whom give humorously ironic descriptions of Bruce Wayne’s idiocy:
“Bruce Wayne? I hear the guy gets through a super-car every month! Replaces every one, just like that!”
*Cut to shot of the Batmobile flipping end-over-end after slamming into one of Bane’s APCs*
“Wayne? Please! The guy would probably have accidentally killed himself years ago if he didn’t have that butler to babysit him!”
*Cut to Alfred physically restraining Bruce from going out to fight Scarecrow while having a broken arm, a concussion, and the flu,*
“I bet he throws away cash like it grows on trees!”
*Cut to Batman shouting “Hey, Lucius! Ask R&D to make some kryptonite/Nth metal alloy baterangs! Y’know, just in case!”
“I’m almost jealous. Super rich and he gets to hang out with gorgeous women across the world? Sign me up!”
*Cut to Bruce being slammed face first into a wall repeatedly by Lady Shiva.*
@jhaernyl @the-last-hair-bender – thinking of you both
@shadow-spires @pumpkin-lith@thebisexualmandalorian @poplitealqueen
Tag: bruce wayne
Did you know that most 8 year olds are in grades 2-3? They’re, on average, 3 ¾-4 feet tall. They weigh 50-60 pounds, about the same as a bulldog.
This is just a random set of facts, and is in no way connected to the fact that a lot of people think Dick started fighting crime at 8.
Okay, but now I’m picturing Bruce dealing with a very tiny child who insists on accompanying him in this bright costume and Bruce is like, okay. You can “fight crime” with me.
Cue Bruce running along rooftops, with lil’ Dickie on his heals keeping carefully curated coms with Alfred.
The streets are clear. Because Bruce made sure of it like, two hours ago. But Bruce has this “patrol” parkour route all figured out to give him a workout and Dick an outlet for all that energy.
Agent A occasionally spices things up by identifying cats “stuck” in trees (Thank you, Selina). And letting them know when there’s someone very elderly or otherwise vulnerable who could use a late-night escort from Leslie’s clinic.
Dick doesn’t catch on for years, because Bruce isn’t really lying. It is genuinely important to him that Dick learn that walking a lone drunk girl home or helping that old homeless guy stand and giving him a Wayne Enterprises reference card so he can apply for a job is every bit an act of fighting crime as punching a thug in the face.
Y’know, I really enjoy the concept of Clark Kent.
Like, minus the whole superman aspect.
because, like, okay I can buy that maybe he can disguise himself well enough to hide the fact that he’s superman, but i doubt any amount of slouching and glasses wearing can truly disguise that he’s a very tall EXTREMELY muscular man with a jawline that can cut glass.
So basically this newspaper office has this guy who looks like a weightlifter/supermodel just hanging around but he wears glasses and acts like a huge nerd and everyone just goes with it???
Like “Oh yeah, that’s Clark. No no he works here. Oh no don’t bother being intimidated by him, talk to him for five minutes and he’ll devolve into a lecture on proper tractor maintenance. We like Clark.”
I wonder if the ladies in the office ever drag him with them to bars so they don’t have to worry about creeps trying to harass them like “back off creeps our friend here is 6′4″ and grew up chucking hay bales”
And then it’s funny because (as far as they know) Clark is like, the meekest lil nerd around. (He don’t look it though!!!!)It’s just incredible to me that Clark Kent can pull off being a quiet harmless dork while still looking like, well, superman.
Do you think he occasionally turns up to the office Halloween party wearing a really shitty Batman costume?
Well, I do now.
It’s a mutual agreement.
Clark wears shoddy Batman costumes (tailored by Bruce and Alfred anyway, because even SHODDY should be done *correctly*) to office Halloween parties, while Bruce wears gleaming-perfection Superman costumes to his ridiculous Halloween galas and jokes to the rich about how he’s got those fancy hulk-muscle-man panels built into the fabric and everyone laughs because OF COURSE HE DOES.
Diana and Aquaman top them both by trading THEIR uniforms for Halloween. Diana has never felt more secure from ass-pinching morons. Arthur is enjoying the breeze, the opportunity to show off more of his tattoos, and damn if he hasn’t gotten more phone numbers tonight from all genders than EVER BEFORE.
Wally attends all four Halloween parties that same night in a Speedo with a Pizza Delivery hat relevant to the area and tells anyone who asks that some superhero nutcase stole his clothes and can someone help?
Some stuff I’ve been doing to practice with stark lighting. Ended up becoming a little series in homage to Tim Sale instead. I think I shall call it…GOTHAM NOIR. Or HEAVILY INKED SHADOW STUFF. I know I am not the only one who names their drawing series. It’s great fun! Like naming a new pet or a really strong perfume.
idea: the joker, compelled even against his own interests to do whatever he thinks would be funniest. the joker may be a sadist with a really shitty sense of humor but even he knows a high-quality punchline when he sees one. his obsession with batman is rooted in batman’s unfailing ability to trick the joker into a better gag that gets him captured. the joker gets chased into a room with plenty of really great hiding places and escape routes, but also a slender pole in the middle of the room. he has to hide behind the fucking pole. he’s gotta. how can he not go for the hiding behind a pole gag. there’s three doors but there’s also a joker-shaped hole in the wall that will make it look like he broke through the wall. it’s a four-story drop into a bakery dumpster full of pies. the joker is obsessed with batman because deep in his heart he knows that batman is actually funnier than he is but instead he spends his time standing on rooftops in the rain being a stoic piece of shit. the joker is salieri, and batman is a mozart that decided to go into carpentry.
The real reason Bruce Wayne keeps training kids is so that there’s eventually a gradually cascading order of vigilantes protecting Gotham. When you defeat one, there’s a slightly smaller one just behind, ready to pick up the slack.
Batryoshka dolls.
I am going to fucking set you on fire
You Won’t Believe Who Was Spotting Leaving Wayne Manor Last Night!
Next Up: Are Bruce Wayne And Batman Secretly Dating?
Please give me the fic where Bruce Wayne is forced to make it look like he’s having an affair with his own alter ego, just to keep his secret identity safe.
Steel Phoenix Studios 