@unchillginger‘s post had me thinking about how dex/parson would happen, and this is what became of all that thought. Because how did dex end up falling in love with kent parson? How did they end up talking? how did they even meet?
Well, kids, sit down and I’ll tell you how, because it starts with a lost book and ends with love.
So here’s the thing about Kent: he never really got to go to school, like normal kids do. But he really likes learning! Not even classrooms, necessarily, just the reading and retaining information. He’s always got a book in his hockey bag, he listens to podcasts during the flights for away games. (And yes, he also loves a good party. These things are not mutually exclusive, y’all. Extroverts like to read, too.) his nickname around the guys is captain librarian, and Kent to this day has no idea where it came from, but it probably has something to do with his reading glasses, now that he thinks about it.
And Kents got a game in providence, while Jack is playing for them, so of course the whole Samwell team drove up and Dex is there, and they’re all leaving, and some of the guys are a little drunk, and Jack takes them all for a tour of the players area and during it, Dex finds a book. It’s “voices from Chernobyl” and in the front, there’s a phone number, followed by “if lost, please return.” The handwriting is neat, but Dex doesn’t recognize the area code, so he picks it up and decides that he’ll call the number and get a shipping address for the book later. It’s the kind of book he’d read, so no one really thinks too much about him carrying it around.
The next morning, as they’re all driving home, Dex starts reading it. Because it /is/ the kind of book he would read, and it’s actually been on his reading list for a while. About three pages in, there’s an annotation. It’s the same handwriting as the first, neat and clinical, but slightly rushed this time. The quote “death doesn’t care. The earth takes everyone.” Is underlined, and next to it, in the margins, “death can drag kit from my cold dead hands. You don’t fuck with a mans cat.”
Bad Bob diversified his assets in the 90s and bought, among other things, a small maple farm.
That’s the reason Jack is so particular about providing the maple syrup Bitty uses in his pies, because it’s literally his maple syrup. He goes home every year and makes it himself.
Somehow it takes a really long time for Bitty to figure this out.
Bitty and Jack return to Georgia the summer between Junior and Senior year only to find a large refrigerated shed in the back yard, filled with what looks to be two dozen unmarked oil drums.
“What the heck is all this?” Bitty questions, examining the barrel and finally cracking a seal to take a sniff. “It’s … maple syrup?” Jack is curiously silent, and when Bitty looks up at his boyfriend, he finds Jack’s face is very red.
“Honey?”
Jack hesitates. “Remember that farm I wanted to take you to, the one Maman and Papa went to every spring?”
Bitty nods, because how could he forget the way Jack raved about the ‘little patch of land’ his father had purchased outside Beauce.
“It’s a maple farm,” Jack whispers, and Bitty is somehow even more confused than he was before.
“That doesn’t explain why it’s here.”
“It’s syrup,” Jack breathes, counting the barrels. “It’s about . . . thirty-thousand dollars worth of maple syrup.”
“And why would there be thirty-thousand dollars of Canadian maple syrup at my parent’s house in Madison, Georgia?”
“Papa’s been fined several times by FPAQ for distributing his stock outside approved channels.” At Bitty’s confused expression, Jack explains, “The Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers. You know OPEC, in the middle east? How they control oil prices by controlling the supply? Same basic principle, but with maple syrup. Producers in Quebec have to sell through FPAQ or they can get frozen out of the market. Papa has the money to pay the fines, but he takes it personally now.”
“That’s insane, still doesn’t explain why there’s several tons of syrup hiding out in our shed like a secret meth lab.” Bitty goes back to the barrel and presses the stopper closed when it hits him. “Wait, is your father using my mama to fence illegal maple syrup?”
Jack shrugs. “Probably. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is all very illegal.”
Canadian Breaking Bad au.
Bad Bob, in full hockey gear, “I am the one who knocks!!”
jack in the nhl definitely was offered a brand deal for something like “applesauce for men” or “man shampoo” or “manly dish soap” and his immediate, instinctive reaction was “why.”
OMG but what if a big ass company tried to sign him up and it was practically a done deal, but it didn’t happen in the end.
A lot of rumours start going around about why, like people are hoping for drama, wondering if Jack was being a ‘diva’ and the company is maybe trying to use this for their advantage and it totally gets blown out of proportions.
So George forces Jack to address it in a press conference and Jack can’t help himself from being a little shit, because he has better stuff to do than deal with this and so instead of just replying with the prepared statement, he pulls out a +50 power point slide.
Some highlights of the topics Jack’s talks about to the press and members of the Falconers: toxic masculinity, heteronormativity, the perpetuation of gender roles and the ‘pink tax’.
Everything is properly referenced and there are print outs distributed for people to fact check if they feel like it. Tater takes notes.
“We should stop him!” Says one of the PR people in horror, George grabs him by the elbow in a death grip and gives him a stare that will haunt him for the rest of his life.
She says nothing, preferring to listen to Jack passionately talk about the ludicrous difference between pay for female and male athletes.
The video of the lecture goes viral. Memes and GIFs are born, Shitty cries, he has never been prouder in his life.
The company issued an apology and rebrands their product, Jack does sign with them this time and companies learn not to screw with him.
This was his face during the whole presentation. The media was mystified, they’d never seen such an emotive Jack Zimmermann.
@kit923 requested NHL!Bitty playing for the Pens (@sergeantsexface seconded Pens!Bitty!) and this is a little more pre-Penguins, but it counts, right??? Takes place after the NHL hack that leaks homophobic emails. Eric is fed up with the entire league and planning to make a statement by not signing with anyone. Then this happens.
It’s just another godawful luncheon, but today Jack has the added pleasure of every other donor asking Jack’s opinion about his ‘homosexual’ teammate going pro. After the third locker room joke, Jack excuses himself, desperate for air, only to find his father and Uncle Mario nursing their drinks on the club’s back patio.
He’s about to find somewhere less conspicuous when he hears:
“That’s not even debatable, Bittle is going to be scouted. Even if he’s just shipped down to a farm team, Bettman isn’t going to-”
Oh. Of course, Mario would be involved in all of this, he’s an owner. Jack knocks his knuckles against the railing, his manners winning out over his morbid curiosity. They stop talking abruptly, but his father visibly relaxes when he sees it’s just Jack and not another donor.
This sounds like a conversation that would have occurred late in 2016 – shortly after the Penguins won their fourth cup (second in the last decade). It’s also a time period when Crosby was rotating through wingers as they tried to find him one that would fit as well as Pascal Dupois.
If Bitty signed with the Penguins, and joined up in 2017 there are clear real life analogues to his game play (as far as we know based on the comics and what fandom has assumed) in the Penguins pipeline. Basically, other players and rookies actually playing at the moment with the Penguins who are also short and fast: Jake Guentzel, Connor Sheary and maybe Brian Rust.
i.e. all young players who are known for being very fast wingers who have or are currently playing in Sidney Crosby’s line.
Basically Mario isn’t wrong, Eric Bittle‘s play would really suit the fast play of the Penguins and, specifically, Sidney Crosby. And, ironically, if you were going to write a story about Bitty being signed by the Penguins, it isn’t actually that far fetched that he’d end up starting on Sidney Crosby’s line – because that’s what happened this past year with at least two other speedy short players.
And if he joined up after Guentzel and Sheary were already on that line? Well, Evgeni Malkin has also been going through wingers trying to get a good fit.
And if Evgeni Malkin doesn’t fit, then I bet they’d be wanting to try out a speedy winger with Bonino or Cullen alongside Phil Kessel or Carl Hagelin.
This entire reblog has made me realise I low key want a story where Eric Bittle moves to Pittsburgh to play hockey with the baby Pens, gets called up half way through the season due to injury and isn’t ever sent back down because he’s an amazing player, very fast and scores goals like it’s easy.
And then he discovers that Crosby’s rumoured sweet tooth is less rumour and more an invitation to come stay at Crosby’s home and make use of his no doubt ridiculously large kitchen.
Jack’s not worried, Bitty and him are forever.
Okay he’s a little worried, Crosby’s got an Aga. Bitty was so excited he was nearly crying over the phone.
Now I challenge ANYONE to retell any piece of Jack or Bitty’s college years as a series of in-universe RPF callout posts
TO THE PEOPLE ASKING JACK ZIMMERMANN FOR AUTOGRAPHS IN THE STUDENT CAF: Maybe let the guy be a student? He’s here for his education not your fangirling or fanboying.
Props to his teammates for making a joke out of it, but, like, COME ON.
Found in the ask box of a fairly well-known blogger:
Anon asked: So I have a friend who goes to Samwell who said Jack Zimmermann lived in a frat house??? But never went to ther parties or anything (of course XD what a nerd) but like: a Potatomann fic? where Jack is a shy college student who somehow lives in a frat house and Tater is some drunk kid who like, accidentally goes into his room during a party and at first he’s really annoyed because he’s super sober but this tall Russian dude is just too cute to turn away and seems really intent on being his friend???
I posted it here on AO3, cw for canon-typical alcohol use! Hope you enjoy!
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Anon asked: hey can you do a Zimmermann imagine where photographer!Jack shows the reader around Providence and has her model for his photographs?
Don’t do imagines, sorry!!!
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jarsers190 asked: OMG just read your potatomann zookeeper au and i’m s c r e a m i n g not even my ship but like omg so good you might convince me
BABE I TOLD YOU potatomann is REAL!!! glad you enjoyed though ily ❤ ❤ ❤
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tatrr-tots asked: DID YOU SEE that falcs face-off where potatomann was like, legit an old married couple??? “i’m not draw, i have… other skills” and jack’s faCE
I KNOW THEY LEGIT JUST LOVE EACH OTHER AND CHIRP EACH OTHER SO MUCH these boys, omg omg
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Anon asked: hey did u see that one of jack’s old teammates tweeted that jack was apparently helping him learn french? and that teammate has a boyfriend? what do you think?
you do realize you’re like… the 9th person to send me this ask today… his teammate is not a public figure and like, i really don’t feel comfortable speculating on this?
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pvd-hockeybooty asked: do you ever write jarse?
i’ve answered this here and it’s in my faq
Holster: Rans, i love you bro but I’m gonna need you to put your hand on your heart and swear to me that none of these Potatomann coffee shop AUs were written by you.
Ransom: Dude, shut up, you know I deleted my Ao3 account after we moved into the Haus with Jack because it was too weird. I now ship Jack only with Bitty, in a non-invasive way involving high-fives after loud sex noise nights, and no fanfic whatsoever. I’m clean, man.
Holster: OK so what’s with this Tater/Reader Olympics Village hurt/comfort I found in the printer last week?
Ransom: (starts speaking French, refuses to admit he can speak English for two days)
Since none of y’all in the Check Please fandom know how it’s made, and I’ve read some pretty traumatising things in fics, I took these pictures especially for you today. And some are taken from the internet.
We dig holes on our maple trees so come Spring, they leak through metal peens.
In Québec, maples wear buckets. It’s FASHIONABLE.
Now, these are the quaint little érablières (maple tree places?), but others don’t mess around.
Then, what comes out can’t be eaten directly (except by squirrels), it needs to be boiled into one of these motherfuckers here
Now there are different ways of cooking maple, so you can have syrup, butter, and other goodies. What interests us right now is what we call “tire” (pronounce teer)
Below are pictures I took today at the Sugar Shack fair in my town. There are barrels of already boiled tire, and you need to boil it again to serve it.
Then you pour it on the snow, in neat little lines. I should have taken that one, it was bigger than the one I actually got.
Now you take a popsicle stick, start at one end and roll it up. You need to wait until it’s cold enough to stick together, and then you have to make sure it’s not lopsided or anything otherwise it gets all over your fingers and that shit’s sticky as hell.
Here you have the result (it’s pretty small, should be bigger). It’s so sweet, the best part is the cold snow that melts in your mouth at the same time.
And THAT’s how you eat tire sur la neige. Yum yum. (say hi to my friend photobombing me). I don’t want to read false maple representation on future fics from now on, or the angry French Canadian fairy will come and set you right!
Steel Phoenix Studios 