I can’t explain how much I want a 21st century Star Trek au where Kirk still lives in Iowa and it’s like “holy shit aliens just literally landed in my cornfield I can’t believe my life became a bad episode of x-files”
ok but. hear me out like…
kirk as just this genius 21yr old in Iowa building hi-tech shit in his basement; like radios and shit that manage to pick up sub-space frequencies that he helps code w/ the help of Uhura
kirk thinking it’d be a funny prank to make some crop circles in his family’s cornfield
kirk making intricate crop circles that read as some rudimentary script of Vulcan
spock responding to the images that seem to be an SOS from his father; beams down to earth only to find out some humans managed to accidentally learn the vulcan language
“oh so you’re an alien” “indeed” “And…you’re looking for your dad.” “affirmative” “well, you know what this means?” “….” “…roadtrip.”
spock learns the meaning of friendship as he roadtrips across america with a pack of humans that kirk picks up along the way in search of his father: mccoy, the doctor they met in georgia that let them sleep in his basement; scotty the auto repair guy they meet in some backwater town; sulu in new york that is much better at driving than kirk is; nobody really knows how chekov ended up with them, but it’s probably illegal
these are the voyages of the 1970 Volkswagen bus Enterprise
Minnesota, Interstate I-495: The Final Frontier
It’s not a 1970 Volkswagen, but…
driver picks the music!
Someone please write this. I don’t write in this verse. Please write it.
I miiiiight have been making Very Wounded Screechy noises around 47
seconds in.
Then both of us did the equivalent of turning to each other and going
“Heeeeey.”
So imagine, if you will, a galaxy where Sidious decides that the
bio-organic chips are all well and good for Jedi genocide, but it’s
too fallible. Clones require finding a proper progenitor, and so much time. Besides, he has better
uses for the Kaminoans.
So instead, Obi-Wan ‘discovers’
a different planet, and a different conspiracy.
Welcome to the Droid Wars.
The Jedi have brand new, bleeding
edge robots to help them fight. Humanoid, they don’t feel pain,
they have a learning curve that takes one’s breath away, and they
are 110% guaranteed utterly
obedient.
(They have Orders hardcoded
deep into their circuits, and on some level they will always respond
to their master. Sidious loves it.)
NONE of the Jedi consider them ‘people’ (at first), except maybe
Anakin. But then slowly, slowly, as the war goes on, and the droids
are active for hours and days and learn and develop personalities.
The droid-troopers are in fact much, much better at learning than
even their creators thought. In fact, their learning algorithms get
away from original parameters. They’re learning far more than was
expected, so free will eventually kicks in. They behave illogically.
Unit DT-7567 sometimes skimps on his recharge cycle to read stuff, to
learn useless intel. DC-2224 calibrates
his forearm and hand so that it automatically engages specialized
electromagnet attuned to Kenobi’s lightsaber (for
when the General invariably drops it. Again).
(He
also contemplates putting a locator-chip in his General’s cloak,
but he’d probably just end up losing the chip AND the cloak. So
far, attempts to stealthily put trackers on the General’s boots and
person have failed. Boil and Waxer are determined to succeed at some
point.)
That’s another thing. Names. Designs. Customization. Many of the
Jedi don’t see the droid-troopers as more than machines, but it’s
hard to deny that they’re all changing.
Plo sees his lead droid, 3636, mourn over a lost ‘brother.’
Rex saves Anakin and/or Ashoka at the cost of most of his chassis,
and Anakin ends up carrying the scrap that’s left of Rex
back to base. Because fuck this noise, he’s not leaving Rex behind.
The second battle of Geonosis: Waxer and Boil save Kenobi’s life by
running out into enemy fire to get him out of the crashed ship, the
only survivor…the only organic.
The first time Skywalker has to do maintenance on his arm, all the
troops in range swing by to STARE. Kix offers to help, but it turns
out that Kix is better working on organics. But there’s still a lot
of staring and uncanny valley for the poor soldiers: Their Jedi is
part droid.
(Perhaps Rex doesn’t realize he has a crush on Obi-Wan Kenobi for
the longest time, because he was never programmed for that, and so he
doesn’t know how to recognize it. Then his reading uncovers some
strange parallels, and now he REALLY doesn’t know what to do.)
So the Jedi find themselves in the unenviable position of having to
become as cold and unfeeling as the droids around them (but not a one
of those troopers are actually like that). The even less human contact than in The Temple, but endless bloodshed and destruction is a constant wear upon the Jedi. The public’s opinion of
them gets even lower – remote, distant. Subhuman. Just droids, even
the Jedi.
They catch themselves doing it, and that leads to even more internal
conflict. Just imagine Obi-Wan and Cody poring over maps and
discussing strategy, during the mission where Anakin diverts himself
to go rescue R2. And Obi-Wan…..DOES he go ‘it’s just a droid’?
Does he stop himself? Does he SAY it and then feel immediately
guilty for it?
Obi-Wan can’t sense Cody in the Force the way he can a biological,
but he realizes that Cody’s right there, and half-turns to
go ‘not you, I didn’t mean you were just-’ but then. Stops
himself because. Isn’t Cody ‘just’ a droid? Like R2?
All of him is going ‘no!’ but….he’s so CONFLICTED. (And does
R2 count as ‘just a droid’?) Cody doesn’t even ever say
anything, but man Obi-Wan feels guilty for like. EVER.
Palpatine’s plans would have come to fruition, but between the
learning curve and how some troopers go digging into their own code
because they’re BORED (I’m not saying Echo, but I am totally
saying Echo) – it doesn’t work. Oh, some droid-troopers and their
Jedi have no connection whatsoever, and perhaps the order works for
them, but the majority of army?
They survive. But in foiling Sidious, they gain a much bigger mess.
If clones would have been a Legal Nightmare, the situation when
they’re droids is….rather different and rather worse. How
do you convince a corrupt Senate to give the troops their freedom
when droids aren’t even recognized as ‘people’? For every Jedi
that still doesn’t think of the troops as ‘people’, there’s
another handful that do support them. Yet what good is support from
beings that are considered no more than a half-step above droids
themselves?
A few thoughts for fodder that never fit in anywhere:
If Echo is the one who discovers Order 66/the chips, then does that
mean he and Fives metaphorically swap places in the Citadel?
I have a mental image of a somehow blushy Droid!Rex which is both
adorable and confusing to me. Dogmatix figures him being fidgety,
maybe ducking his head a bit, eye-lights flickering more than usual,
and I am slain.
As an alternative, if the Empire does come around, perhaps Luke and
Leia are sent to some remote storage facility (Maybe Old Ben survives
the Death Star. Maybe his Force ghost leads them there). The twins
are directed towards an old scanner. Anakin Skywalker’s genetic code – and that of his children –
can still activate the decommissioned droid-troopers of the old GAR.
The Rebellion now has an army backing them up.
Plunnie for adoption, just please let us know if you write it because
we’d love to read it!
*adds fuel to plot fire* In the old extended EU canon, there are human replica droids.
Personally, I don’t really see anything wrong with giving Luke to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. What else was Obi-Wan gonna do? (He pretty much raised Anakin and look how that turned out, he’s not gonna risk Round 2.) (He could have given both kiddos to Bail and Breha Organa, actually. Luke and Leia Organa is a cool as heck AU.)
I like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. As much as people like to say Luke really is Padme’s son, he didn’t get those morals from her. (Keeping in mind I have read no comics or novelizations, and not seen the Clone Wars TV show) It’s pretty clear that Luke’s iron spine and goodness and refusal to abandon his friends come from his upbringing. Owen and Beru Lars are kinda the Ma and Pa Kent of the Star Wars universe.
And they are Luke’s family. Owen is Shmi’s stepson. Owen and Beru probably knew Anakin’s mother for years. It’s a neat circle, and in some ways it has the feelings of an apology, for Obi-Wan to bring Luke back to his family on Tatooine in the same way that Qui-Gon took Anakin. Obi-Wan can’t undo what’s been done, and he can’t start over, but he can give Luke what the Jedi denied Anakin: a loving family and normal upbringing.
Tatooine is Darth Vader’s home planet? Yeah, sure, but did Anakin ever go back to Tatooine? (Probably once or twice, I’m guessing, in the comics at least.) Darth Vader hates that place. Bad memories. Damn sand would fuck up his suit. He’d burn it all down and then the Hutts are gonna be pissed. And how many people actually know that Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker? Like, about five? (Bail, Obi-Wan, Yoda, R2-D2, and Ahsoka?) Dude is not exactly getting invites to school reunions and the weddings of childhood friends, is all I’m saying.
Even if Darth Vader ever went back to Tatooine, Tatooine is a big place. The Lars Farm is in the middle of nowhere and Obi-Wan is hanging out left of the funky rock five miles past nowhere. Anakin met his stepbrother once in the entire film trilogy and idk if they even exchanged words, much less space e-mail addresses. I kind of doubt that Uncle Owen and Darth Vader are sending each other Life Day e-cards. (That’s really funny, actually.)
Anyway, the point of this rant is that I want you to imagine new parents Owen and Beru Lars caring for toddler Luke, it’s just after Life Day, and someone rings the doorbell. Owen Lars opens up to Darth Vader holding a fruit basket, because he didn’t know what else to do for Life Day and spontaneously decided to visit distant family rather than mope in his Evil Castle again.
(Everything Obi-Wan hoped would never happen, just… happening.)
Owen, after introductions, panicking, “Uh… the suit is… new.”
He has to invite Vader in, because it’s Life Day and how exactly do you tell Darth Vader to fuck off? Then Owen and Beru have a hushed argument in the kitchen while Darth Vader is sitting awkwardly in their living room with a drink that he can’t actually drink but took to be polite. When they come out, they introduce Luke as Luke Whitesun, Beru’s late brother’s kid, which they guess makes Luke… Darth Vader’s… nephew. (They can’t hide him, Vader’s already seen this 2-3 yr old Luke and the house is COVERED in baby and kid stuff.)
And Darth Vader just… fucking falls for it.
And the Lars family has to spend the holidays with Uncle Darth Vader who is super keen to have a step-nephew-in-law. Beru is showing off her cross-stitching to Darth fucking Vader as Luke plays at their feet. Owen is in the kitchen sending a desperate space text to Obi-Wan, who basically has a heart attack on the spot when Owen sends a shitty stealth-pic of Darth Vader on their couch.
Bonus points if the Lars’ don’t even move after this, because Vader left without issue and Uncle Owen afterwards was like, “It turned out fine. I don’t want to move, that’s too much hassle.” So, every major holiday, Luke gets a visit from his Uncle Darth Vader, which works out fine so long as they instigate a “Don’t Talk About Politics” rule when Luke starts getting excited about Rebellions and starts bad-mouthing the Empire (Vader making small talk at a Star Destroyer water cooler to his terrified staff: “Ugh, I’m going to have to debate my liberal 13-yr-old nephew at the dinner table again.”), and Vader even helps with the dishes and stuff, and every time Obi-Wan ages an extra year from stress.
Guys, please, the way this continues is that the general events of the Star Wars universe continue as normal (Leia, having literally just left a space battle: “Darth Vader, the AUDACITY of attacking an innocent diplomatic vessel!”) UNTIL the stormtroopers show up at the Lars Farm. (Luke is desperately chasing down the droids he lost and properly meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi.)
At first, it’s business as usual, y’know? Stormtroopers break down the door and interrogate the occupants and start prepping to burn the place down, and the leader is in the middle of shouting, “TELL US WHERE THE DROIDS A-” when he pauses and just… stares… at the mantlepiece.
Because on the Lars family mantlepiece and walls are, like, a hundred family photos and roughly half of them have Darth Vader in them. There’s Darth Vader wearing a Life Day party hat at a dinner table. There’s Darth Vader holding a toddler and playing with model ships. There’s Darth Vader and a pimply thirteen year old in the stands at the Boonta Eve Classic. There is a cross-stitched pillow on the couch that says OUR FAMILY on it, consisting of a man, a woman, a boy, and Darth fucking Vader.
Stormtrooper Grunt #1: “What… what… what the fuck.”
Aunt Beru, who has HAD it with these guys wrecking her house, already angrily jabbing at their space phone: “I am calling Mr. Vader RIGHT NOW about this.”
Darth Vader, excusing himself from the bridge of his Star Destroyer to take a call from his stepsister-in-law: “Beru. This isn’t a good time-”
Beru: “Well, MAKE TIME, because your stormtroopers broke down our door and tracked SAND all over my nice clean floors and they won’t stop yelling about the droids we just bought! You better have a good explanation for this!”
Darth Vader does not, actually, have a good explanation for this. The stormtroopers can feel his wrath from across the galaxy. It’s a work thing and he’s very sorry and he’ll make the stormtroopers fix their door, but he does really need those droids and could they hand them over, please? He’ll have the Empire compensate them. Yes, he’ll pay them back and send new droids. Yes, kicking doors down is very rude, Beru, you’re absolutely right.
So Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru promise to pick up Luke and the droids, and hop in the spare Landspeeder to go looking for them. Owen is Not Happy to find that Obi-Wan’s given Luke a lightsaber, and Aunt Beru is Not Happy to find out that the Empire’s made some superweapon. Of course they have to get these plans to the Rebellion! Yes, she promised Vader, but he should have told her it was for such a terrible thing! Yes, Owen, they’re all going to Alderaan.
So the Lars family runs away to Mos Eisley and get on the Millennium Falcon to Alderaan, while the stormtroopers are standing around like, “Are they… coming… back???” And Han Solo does not know what the hell is going on or what to do about the Weird Old Wizard talking about “universe-penetrating magic”, or the Grumpy Farmer who keeps trying to fix his “piece of junk” ship that excuse you does not need fixing, or the Sunny Farm Boy waving a light sword around, or the kindly old woman who is currently cross-stitching in his back seat and gossiping with Chewie like he’s not even there.
Later, after the Death Star’s been destroyed, Owen and Beru Lars are now a part of the Rebellion with Luke. Beru sends Darth Vader a piece of fabric in the Space Mail, and it’s the little cross-stitched Vader from her OUR FAMILY pillow who’s been cut out because she’s mad at him. (Except her note says DISAPPOINTED and that’s worse.) Darth Vader is more upset about this than the Emperor being mad at him for the destruction of the Death Star.
This is such a wild ride and I want more.
Please, kind writer, may I have some more?
See, the thing about Uncle Darth Vader is that the Lars family lives in the middle of nowhere Tatooine. Luke has to get his news off his friends, who have to get their news from shitty Space Radio, and the Empire’s suppressing a good three-quarters of the terrible things it does. The Lars family, largely, has no idea who this Darth Vader guy is except that he’s Anakin, who did a bunch of shit in the Clone Wars and he’s evil now? (Obi-Wan is dying, guys. He’s dying.)
Oh, yeah, quick summary: the events on the Death Star proceeded more or less as they did in canon. Except Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru don’t make convincing stormtroopers, so they tagged along with the droids and found the Death Star Laundry Service and dressed up as an Empire officer and his wife on their way to a vacation on Beach Resort Planet. Luke and Han sneaking Leia out is a lot easier with Admiral Lars and his wife loudly complaining to every stormtrooper they come across that their ship isn’t being fixed fast enough and sending stormtroopers marching off in every direction.
(The Empire… does not… have high standards… for officers. It is corrupt as hell. The stormtroopers look at this middle-aged, slightly chubby guy complaining obnoxiously about his ship not being fixed fast enough, and his overbearing wife complaining shrilly about not being able to get their deposit back, and are like, “This is legit. Also, sir, I’m part of sanitation, I don’t fix ships. I don’t know where customer service is… this is a Death Star. We don’t have customer service. Uh, I guess my ‘manager’ would be Admiral Bob??? Oh, well, you’re right, I should go clean up that mess you saw on the other floor. I will agree to literally anything you say to get away from you.”)
So, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru get to the Rebellion, right? (And they have already adopted the heck out of Leia, who has been given ALL the Aunt Beru hugs.) And someone starts listing off ALL of the awful stuff that Darth Vader has done, like, the dude is SUPER EVIL. And the Lars family is just… what. (And it’s a good thing that Obi-Wan is already dead by this point, or Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru would bring him back just to kill him again.)
Luke goes to destroy the Death Star and Vader is just like, “Luke???? What are you doing???” And Luke is ignoring all of Vader’s attempts to comm him and blows up the Death Star while giving his uncle the cold shoulder.
And later, at the Rebellion, people are like “Darth Vader is your uncle???” And Luke’s just like, “YEAH, AND A LIAR!!!” (Later, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru will have a long talk with Luke about the truth and the lies they told. And Luke will forgive them because he loves them and they love him, but this doesn’t really change much, especially about how mad he is at his dad.)
Later, when they finally meet again. The rebels are just… completely stunned… because Darth Vader is desperately trying to get through to Luke, like, “Luke, nephew, please, let’s just talk about this. Beru won’t answer my voice mails. Owen unfriended me on Space Chat. We can talk about this.”
And Luke is angrily shooting at Darth Vader and shouting, “What’s there to talk about?! It’s not like you LIED TO US ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DID BY TELLING US YOU WORKED IN I.T.?!??”
“Luke…”
“YOU DON’T WORK IN I.T.!”
@makiruz said: I have questions, like WHAT did Obi-Wan tell Luke? Does Luke know how is “Uncle” Darth Vader related to Uncle Owen? Does he think he’s a Whitesun? Does he know how he’s related to Darth Vader? Since Owen and Beru aren’t Jedi do they tell Luke the truth eventually? Do they know about Leia?
WHAT did Obi-Wan tell Luke?
Everything Obi-Wan was beginning to plan flew out the window when Luke was a toddler. So he just went with what he said in canon, that Luke’s father was a Jedi Knight and Darth Vader murdered him. And Luke was like, “?!??!? Uncle murdered somebody?? (That doesn’t sound unlikely, actually.)”
Does Luke know how is “Uncle” Darth Vader related to Uncle Owen?
Yeah, Luke knows Vader is Gran Shmi’s son. But idk, he’s not really sure, but it doesn’t matter? You know how you have those people in your life who are “Aunt This” and “Uncle That” and sometimes you look them in the eyes and you’re just life, “I have no idea how or if you’re related to me.” It’s kind like that. It just is.
Does he think he’s a Whitesun?
Yes. He does. His parents died in a Tusken Raider attack and they don’t talk about it. (According to the story, which makes Darth Vader not ask questions but also unfortunately endears Luke to him even more because they have stuff in COMMON! My mother was also murdered by Tusken Raiders! 10-yr-old Luke, “That’s… neat… I guess.”)
Does he know how he’s related to Darth Vader.
Nope.
Since Owen and Beru aren’t Jedi do they tell Luke the truth eventually?
Yes. Owen and Beru meet up with Luke and Obi-Wan, and Luke is like, “Old Ben’s been telling me weird stories. I thought my parents were farmers? He says my dad was Anakin Skywalker and a Jedi Knight? And that Uncle Vader killed him????” And Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru spent most of the way to Alderaan glaring at Obi-Wan and trying to sort out the lies and the truth.
As above, after the Death Star is destroyed, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru tell Luke the truth and everything they know, including that Darth Vader is his father. They’re very sorry about it. Ghost Obi-Wan is like, “What are you doing? You’re not supposed to communicate and tell Jedi-in-training the truth about stuff??”
Do they know about Leia?
No. But they basically adopt her anyway. And so when the truth eventually comes out (sometime between ANH and ESB, probably through some medical emergency or blood test, or Luke just shaking down Ghost Obi-Wan for info), Luke is just upfront like, “Leia, we’re siblings.”
Leia, “Yeah, sure, I guess we’re kind of like siblings. I’m the favorite.”
Luke, “No??? You’re not??? I’m the favorite. Also, no, like, these medical results show that we’re literally siblings. Didn’t you once say you’re adopted?”
okay i know Hardeen was a Terrible arc for everyone involved, but what if Obi Wan had told Anakin about faking his death? Anakin’s like no worries dude I Got This, except he really. does not,,
the only reason his “acting” is remotely believable is because almost no one has seen him like this before, so it must be due to all the grief and loss and heartbreak and anger and whatnot
he starts by sobbing over Obi Wan’s supposedly dead body for a solid two hours when Obi gets shot down. “LOOK at him, so cold and Lifeless. D: HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WARM AND FULL OF LIFE, SNIPS. I know last week I checked his pulse because he was meditating so calmly I thought he passed away in his sleep, BUT HE’S USUALLY SO WARM AND FULL OF LIFE.”
It goes on until Anakin has finished everything on his painstakingly written Outline from last night. At least half of Coruscant hears part of this speech. Mace sends Obi the security footage later, at a time he knows Anakin will be there to sit through it with Obi, because if we had to suffer then you do too, Obi Wan.
then at the funeral, Anakin pulls out a twenty foot scroll of real actual paper, because he would appreciate this, I think, and clears his throat loudly and messily before telling the council that he has prepared a few words for the greatest jedi this order, nay, this GALAXY has ever seen, and will ever see, no matter how long any of us live—
five hours later,, he’s still going strong. half the eulogy is Terrible and V Cringeworthy, but the other half is actually v heartfelt and moving. even Mace and Yoda have to blink away some tears.
it becomes easier after Anakin starts going into Unnecessary Details about obi wan’s life, like how he’ll miss holding onto those heavy 327 thread count woolen robes when he’s saving obi’s ass (curvature 48.5 degrees) for the 23094th time, and how he’ll never see a more sincere expression of Compassion than he saw when reading line 83 of Obi Wan’s eighth letter to Duchess Satine last month, quoted now as follows—
Ahsoka enlists Plo Koon’s help and they finally shuffle him over to the side, promising him they can finish his fake eulogy at the council dinner tonight. Obi Wan’s death may be fake, but MY WORDS ARE REAL, SNIPS, HOW DARE YOU. says Anakin, before he (a little gleefully) starts destroying the walls to show how Emotionally Compromised he is over this 100% real death.
he takes the 212th drinking, after having told all of them, too. so now there are 293637 men crying about Obi Wan (relatable af, y/y), all of which have the acting talent of a wilted blade of grass. there are 283747 toasts, and every single person there cries for each and every one of them, despite everyone knowing obi is still alive
All of this has the unlikely effect of making Palpatine rethink his plans, because he was expecting rage and barely concealed hate, not this melodramatic weepiness. Oh the angry lashing out is expected, but maybe Skywalker isn’t as ready as he thought… Still, at least Kenobi is out of the picture now.
Dooku is completely convinced. Obi-Wan faking his death and not telling Skywalker? Believable. But a performance this bad is something someone of Kenobi’s calibre would never risk – no, this is no farce and Skywalker is apparently just that infantile.
20k+ pls and thank
20k+ just for the uncut funeral scene, the rest of Anakin’s histrionics take up at least another 25k on their own, please get to work on this soon, fandom.
BLACK VEIL AND BLACK LACE HANDKERCHIEF ARE NOT NEGOTIONABLE.
If Anakin has to mourn, he’ll go full Sicillan Widow.
Ah but we cannot forget the memento mori! The lock of hair kept close to his heart in a cameo locket depicting Obi-Wan’s profile on the cover (Anakin of course refuses to cut his own until his first year of mourning is done). Or the carved ebony frame with skull and rose motifs that hold holos of them looking dashing together. And the beautifully decorated box that holds his lightsaber so that it will be forever on display to those who miss him (there’s a lovely point in the funeral where Anakin hands the box to Satine with great ceremony and she makes a heart moving speech about how no one set of hands could encompass Obi-Wan’s great love and passes it to Ahsoka who passes it to Cody and then we get the strangest game of pass the parcel ever until it makes it back to Anakin).
When Obi-Wan asks “How was my funeral?” He is met by hysterical laughing from Yoda and the loudest groan he has ever heard from Made.
The worst thing is – when Anakin burst into sobs – he’s genuine, despite all that funeral fashionista nonsense. His elegy for Kenobi is just so good and moving and sad and longing and full of Unspoken Feelings. Not a single eye is dry. Even YODA STARTS SOBBING AND HE’S BEEN ON THE THING FOR THE WHOLE TIME.
All Obi’s holos have digitally added black ribons in the corner.
Anakin insists on having trizna (a funeral feast) in his master’s memory, a glorious affair full of wine and mead. If he weren’t so sure that burning a ship with all of his worldly possesions was pushing it a bit too far (regardless that the possessions were Obi-Wan’s who was still, technically, alive and would probably be very pissed if Anakin torched what little he has), he’d be the one with a gas can and a torch.
Mace is just glad he managed to hide the holocron on Space!Egyptian funeral practices.
The best part is, Obi Wan comes back and Anakin refuses to go out of mourning. He does it properly too, first black, then grey and lavender. Obi Wan is like is this necessary? And Anakin is like YES OBVIOUSLY HOW CAN YOU EVEN ASK THAT MASTER???!!!
“I miss him… so much. Sometimes, I swear, I feel his presence. That familiar warmth, his cologne. There are days I can glimpse his face behind the Veil. I hear him, calling for me, whispering my name. In a way, he’s still alive in my heart.”
“Anakin, I’m standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.”
“Why can’t his spirit go on? What holds him so chained to this miserable plane of existance? Master, where art thou?”
“For fucks sake, Anakin…”
LOOOOOOOOOOL, and you know Ahsoka gets in on the fun as well. Both of them refuse to talk to Obi Wan directly except through seances. When they get called before the council they have “episodes” where the “sense the presence of an unquiet spirit.” Sometimes they have exorcisms where they attempt to “put Obi Wan’s wandering spirit to rest.” Obi Wan is so tired. Everyone else thinks it’s hilarious.
The exorcism involves the use copious use incense (a light floral fragrance), offerings to the dead (in the form of delicate cups of steaming tea and accompanying sweets), ritual chanting (aka soft singing) and forcible removal of the ghost to its final resting place (his quarters). All in all it does a rather good job of forcing the poor spirit to rest !😉
The best incident however comes during the big reveal where, on facing Dooku on Naboo Anakin loudly declares that he is not outnumbered, for his dear Master’s spirit is right beside him! And Dooku starts on a spiel about how his weak willed dependency on Kenobi has finally turned him mad, except there’s a blue lightsaber at his throat and a familiar smirk asking if the Count had missed him on his little sojourn to the underworld…
AHAHAHAHAHA putting a spirit to rest takes on a whole new meaning!!!! What if the 212th gets in on it? The first time Cody tosses a ration bar at Obi Wan’s head and starts walking around Obi Wan singing the ‘time for all spirits to lay down and rest’ song, Obi Wan knows that he’s doomed. XD
This is hilarious.
And the best thing would be that when finally Anakin leaves mourning and Obi-Wan Returns ™, it is a galactic wide event of celebration. “The Force has returned him to us,” Anakin reports.
When Palpatine is defeated and it comes out what really happened, Anakin’s eulogy and mourning is nominated for Best Actor in all the holo award shows (never mind that he isn’t an actor and Obi-Wan’s death wasn’t scripted), and Anakin wins. He takes the stage and give his acceptance speech which of course includes him telling the galaxy that he still misses Obi-Wan and “sometimes I can still hear his voice.” And Obi-Wan who is Anakin’s plus one for this event yells from the audience “Because I’m not dead, Anakin!”
For the rest of his life, Obi-Wan deals with people assuming he is dead and who are surprised to hear he is alive. It becomes the biggest conspiracy theory. Is Obi-Wan dead or alive? There are huge fights even amount academics about whether he is or isn’t.
When Obi-Wan finally does pass into the Force of old age, for decades afterwards people swear he’s still alive and kicking.
OH GOD YES. The reports on ObiWan’s age vary between 5 to 458. Having a babyface doesn’t help at all. Having Yoda as great-grandmaster doesn’t help either. There are theories about corellation between Yoda’s height and Obi’s height.
OBI-WAN’S RETURN is, of course, accompanied by Clone Army Choir providing Hopeful Latin Chanting ™ to underline the hopeful atmosphere. His face is for a few weeks the most famous in the whole galaxy.
(And Anakin throws away the lavender lace veil. His mourning is at its end!)
(”I should have never told him about the undercover mission,” Kenobi grumbles.)
@unchillginger‘s post had me thinking about how dex/parson would happen, and this is what became of all that thought. Because how did dex end up falling in love with kent parson? How did they end up talking? how did they even meet?
Well, kids, sit down and I’ll tell you how, because it starts with a lost book and ends with love.
So here’s the thing about Kent: he never really got to go to school, like normal kids do. But he really likes learning! Not even classrooms, necessarily, just the reading and retaining information. He’s always got a book in his hockey bag, he listens to podcasts during the flights for away games. (And yes, he also loves a good party. These things are not mutually exclusive, y’all. Extroverts like to read, too.) his nickname around the guys is captain librarian, and Kent to this day has no idea where it came from, but it probably has something to do with his reading glasses, now that he thinks about it.
And Kents got a game in providence, while Jack is playing for them, so of course the whole Samwell team drove up and Dex is there, and they’re all leaving, and some of the guys are a little drunk, and Jack takes them all for a tour of the players area and during it, Dex finds a book. It’s “voices from Chernobyl” and in the front, there’s a phone number, followed by “if lost, please return.” The handwriting is neat, but Dex doesn’t recognize the area code, so he picks it up and decides that he’ll call the number and get a shipping address for the book later. It’s the kind of book he’d read, so no one really thinks too much about him carrying it around.
The next morning, as they’re all driving home, Dex starts reading it. Because it /is/ the kind of book he would read, and it’s actually been on his reading list for a while. About three pages in, there’s an annotation. It’s the same handwriting as the first, neat and clinical, but slightly rushed this time. The quote “death doesn’t care. The earth takes everyone.” Is underlined, and next to it, in the margins, “death can drag kit from my cold dead hands. You don’t fuck with a mans cat.”
Bad Bob diversified his assets in the 90s and bought, among other things, a small maple farm.
That’s the reason Jack is so particular about providing the maple syrup Bitty uses in his pies, because it’s literally his maple syrup. He goes home every year and makes it himself.
Somehow it takes a really long time for Bitty to figure this out.
Bitty and Jack return to Georgia the summer between Junior and Senior year only to find a large refrigerated shed in the back yard, filled with what looks to be two dozen unmarked oil drums.
“What the heck is all this?” Bitty questions, examining the barrel and finally cracking a seal to take a sniff. “It’s … maple syrup?” Jack is curiously silent, and when Bitty looks up at his boyfriend, he finds Jack’s face is very red.
“Honey?”
Jack hesitates. “Remember that farm I wanted to take you to, the one Maman and Papa went to every spring?”
Bitty nods, because how could he forget the way Jack raved about the ‘little patch of land’ his father had purchased outside Beauce.
“It’s a maple farm,” Jack whispers, and Bitty is somehow even more confused than he was before.
“That doesn’t explain why it’s here.”
“It’s syrup,” Jack breathes, counting the barrels. “It’s about . . . thirty-thousand dollars worth of maple syrup.”
“And why would there be thirty-thousand dollars of Canadian maple syrup at my parent’s house in Madison, Georgia?”
“Papa’s been fined several times by FPAQ for distributing his stock outside approved channels.” At Bitty’s confused expression, Jack explains, “The Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers. You know OPEC, in the middle east? How they control oil prices by controlling the supply? Same basic principle, but with maple syrup. Producers in Quebec have to sell through FPAQ or they can get frozen out of the market. Papa has the money to pay the fines, but he takes it personally now.”
“That’s insane, still doesn’t explain why there’s several tons of syrup hiding out in our shed like a secret meth lab.” Bitty goes back to the barrel and presses the stopper closed when it hits him. “Wait, is your father using my mama to fence illegal maple syrup?”
Jack shrugs. “Probably. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is all very illegal.”
Canadian Breaking Bad au.
Bad Bob, in full hockey gear, “I am the one who knocks!!”
1. a Specialty, 2. made with love and a complete lack of fucks 3. honestly the most Terrifying substance in existence
Every Jedi has their own particular twist – Kit Fisto uses a hallucinogenic seaweed found on his native planet. Plo Koon’s is literally lethal to non Kel-Dor but is the galaxy’s best known grease remover. Mace’s stash appears relatively tame, but has an aftertaste that kicks in half an hour later when you’ve already drunk half the bottle and cannot be removed by any mouthwash known to civilization. No one knows what Yoda’s tastes like, except possibly Dooku and the only time he was ever asked his eyes went blank, his shoulder twitched compulsively and he he immediately called a retreat – it is therefore the most sought after secret in the temple. Luminara has a variety that tastes of something only describable as “pure regret”. She’s been working on “horrified realisation” for a while now but has only managed “embarassed mortification”. Qui-Gon liked to infuse tea and spices into his brew, and brought back more than a few exotic species to feed his habit. Obi-Wan continues the tradition, however due to the increasing stresses of war the tea varieties he uses have steadily been increasing in both bitterness and caffeine content. It is colloquially known as “the sleepless death” and is banned in eight star systems. Skywalker’s version is surprisingly palatable, does not cause hallucinations and packs a kick stronger than a Dug on steroids. It’s made of bugs.
oooooohh!! This is good! Let’s assume that Steve’s either not full of illness or gets immediate and proper medication so that he’s good to go. Let’s also assume is temporary so Steve’s not having a ridiculous crisis.
Sam would be the one to enjoy it the most for non-sexual reasons I think. He either makes Steve run with him or makes Steve watch him run and he laughs and laughs the entire time. Payback’s a bitch. Besides all the petty reasons though, I think he really enjoys seeing Steve smaller and that even though all his giant muscles are gone, he still has all the same bravado that he had before. Sam would be the snappiest about it. He picks Steve up at least once just so he can say he did it. I feel like Sam doesn’t let up on Steve at all because he doesn’t see Steve any differently if he’s big or small. It makes the least bit of sexual difference to him but he finally gets to try out some more acrobatic stuff on him now that he doesn’t weigh a ton.
Natasha? Loves it. Like, really loves it. It’s still her Steve but now she can crush him like a bug and tbh Steve’s just as into that as she is. She probably literally walks all over him and spends a lot of time riding him. So… not much changes there tbh. Nat’s super into skinny Steve though. I feel like knowing Steve skinny is a window into his soul. All the weird mannerisms that seemed odd for a giant man to do make sense on a little guy. She figures out that Steve’s still that little guy even when he’s big, he just can’t hold her up against a wall and fuck him anymore. Natasha’s probably super turned on by understanding the inner workings of someone’s mind. Since Steve’s super libido is gone too she also spends a lot of time sitting on his face.
Bucky’s interesting because it could go one of two ways. He could either be like ‘holy shit there’s the Steve I miss/ never got to fuck I gotta do him like I’ve wanted to for forever’ or ‘wtf this is weird and wrong and I’m gonna kill my tiny friend’! Either way it takes Bucky a while to come around but when he does, he really does. Bucky’s always a little sweet with Steve but when he’s tiny it’s amplified. It drives Steve crazy because he doesn’t want sweetness so he pushes and pushes and eventually gets Bucky to treat him how he wants. (He wants to get rekt)
Steve himself is probably extra needy and a little whiny and eventually decides that there’s no need to be miserable when his lovers can all pick him up and toss him around now.
Now I challenge ANYONE to retell any piece of Jack or Bitty’s college years as a series of in-universe RPF callout posts
TO THE PEOPLE ASKING JACK ZIMMERMANN FOR AUTOGRAPHS IN THE STUDENT CAF: Maybe let the guy be a student? He’s here for his education not your fangirling or fanboying.
Props to his teammates for making a joke out of it, but, like, COME ON.
Found in the ask box of a fairly well-known blogger:
Anon asked: So I have a friend who goes to Samwell who said Jack Zimmermann lived in a frat house??? But never went to ther parties or anything (of course XD what a nerd) but like: a Potatomann fic? where Jack is a shy college student who somehow lives in a frat house and Tater is some drunk kid who like, accidentally goes into his room during a party and at first he’s really annoyed because he’s super sober but this tall Russian dude is just too cute to turn away and seems really intent on being his friend???
I posted it here on AO3, cw for canon-typical alcohol use! Hope you enjoy!
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Anon asked: hey can you do a Zimmermann imagine where photographer!Jack shows the reader around Providence and has her model for his photographs?
Don’t do imagines, sorry!!!
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jarsers190 asked: OMG just read your potatomann zookeeper au and i’m s c r e a m i n g not even my ship but like omg so good you might convince me
BABE I TOLD YOU potatomann is REAL!!! glad you enjoyed though ily ❤ ❤ ❤
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tatrr-tots asked: DID YOU SEE that falcs face-off where potatomann was like, legit an old married couple??? “i’m not draw, i have… other skills” and jack’s faCE
I KNOW THEY LEGIT JUST LOVE EACH OTHER AND CHIRP EACH OTHER SO MUCH these boys, omg omg
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Anon asked: hey did u see that one of jack’s old teammates tweeted that jack was apparently helping him learn french? and that teammate has a boyfriend? what do you think?
you do realize you’re like… the 9th person to send me this ask today… his teammate is not a public figure and like, i really don’t feel comfortable speculating on this?
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pvd-hockeybooty asked: do you ever write jarse?
i’ve answered this here and it’s in my faq
Holster: Rans, i love you bro but I’m gonna need you to put your hand on your heart and swear to me that none of these Potatomann coffee shop AUs were written by you.
Ransom: Dude, shut up, you know I deleted my Ao3 account after we moved into the Haus with Jack because it was too weird. I now ship Jack only with Bitty, in a non-invasive way involving high-fives after loud sex noise nights, and no fanfic whatsoever. I’m clean, man.
Holster: OK so what’s with this Tater/Reader Olympics Village hurt/comfort I found in the printer last week?
Ransom: (starts speaking French, refuses to admit he can speak English for two days)
I take no responsibility for RPF but I’m just saying: In the OMGCP universe, the Parse/Segs shipname would be “trash babies”.
This is so accurate. Holy heck, you know how we talk about Kent’s sexuality being the worst kept secret in the NHL? What if Trash Babies is the culmination of two best buds fucking with the media?
The fan following for them already existed. But then they got super fucking trashed together one time and decided to write a crack fic about themselves (it was horribly written, but they posted it anyway and it’s become infamous in the CP! RPF fandom. People can’t get over how graphic, surreally accurate, and rudimentary it is. (It’s essentially 5k on them having locker sex and they were really drunk ok?))
So then they decide to make fake a Twitter account where they occasionally stoke the fire with “rumors” and “leads” of their love affair. They make sure their ship has a reputation. They’re the Larry’s of their own goddamn fandom. They reinvented shit posting too, mind you.
And in a half-formed eight step plan, they make out at a club during All Star Weekend the next year. People take photos, the paps get involved. No one believes it though. A) you’d be surprised the amount of things people can ignore when they’re in denial B) C’mon, you see two generic white dudebros making out in a dark club and it “has to be” your favs? C) Trash Baby shippers are like the fans who cried wolf, and paps will do anything for a dollar
Bonus: because Trash Babies actually love their fans, they release pics from a photo shoot that’s sorority girls meets engagement announcement (y’all know what I’m talking about, kisses on the cheek, laughing through a meadow, poorly hiding behind trees and finding each other) and it really confuses most of the world? but feeds the shipping fodder for a very long time
Steel Phoenix Studios 