Hemingway: drabble challenge, 100 word challenge, yes the title is included in the word count, fight me, angst, sad, baby shoes
F Scott Fitzgerald: idk what I’m doing, lol party fic, I’m supposed to be working on something else right now, the real otp is despair
Virginia Wolfe: stream of consciousness, tw: depression and anxiety, tw: food mention, not sure what else to tag this as
Sylvia Plath: esther is not like other girls, depression, suicide, hurt/comfort, fuck the patriarchy
Edgar Allan Poe: detective au, everyone’s a suspect, darkfic, this was supposed to be satire, I’m not sure what happened,
Shakespeare: historical au, for Lizzy ❤ ❤ <3, either everybody lives or no on lives I haven’t decided yet, dick jokes, puns, stole this from Marlow not even sorry lmao
Jane Austen: hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, true love, dancing!, slow burn, don’t worry they all get there in the end (:
Jules Verne: long fic is long, technoporn, not in that way lol, genfic, unless you have your slash goggles on
Oscar Wilde: gay sin, major character death, suicide cw, only god can judge me, oh wait i’m an atheist,
Dostoevsky: moral degeneration, we all spiral towards despair, tw:epilepsy, tw:drinking, tw:mortal sins, tw:Europe mention, tw:suicide, tw:character death, crime fic, Jesus Christ returns!AU
Emily Bronte: landscape is a character, everyone is a jerk, tw:racism, tw:abuse, tw:loveless marriage, tw:major character deaths
Victor Hugo: period-typical racism, period-typical sexism, infrastructure, religious themes, poverty, nuns are fucking great ok, slice of life, linguistics, rambling, this latest chapter wasn’t supposed to be this gay, OR WAS IT, i just have a lot of feelings, (about poop), the land of a million tags, i do what i want, fuck you bugpipes is a word
This got so much better since the last time I saw it.
Charlotte Brontë: slow burn, fic of a fic, yes that’s yours hi Jane, hurt/comfort, child abuse cw, death cw, listen I just took this girl from jane’s fic and went ahead ok, just read it, btw helen is a cinnamon roll and must be protected
Arthur Conan Doyle: casefic, multiple ones actually lol, I have no idea what I’m doing, this got long, why can’t y’all let me rest I’m tired of this idiot??, Holmes/Watson if you squint, and I know you’re squinting Oscar, I could add so much cw stuff but nah, just don’t read it you’ll do us both a favour, tell me again why I didn’t let him stay dead
but trans!woman Tony Stark- Toni Stark, she doesn’t wanna change her name really, she’s never gone by “Anthony” anyway and there was a reason for it- and Pepper Potts. trans!Tony Pepperony!
Pepper finds out because she catches Toni dressing up, nylons, heels, makeup on and gets flustered and thinks it’s some sexual fetish thing but Toni stumbles over her words to get out “It’s not what you think!” and the two of them just stare at each other for a moment before Toni breaks down everything
Pepper’s the only one who knows that Toni’s a trans woman for a long time. She always calls her Toni, and no one understands “Why does his assistant call him by his first name?” and Toni always calls Pepper “Ms. Potts” still.
When Toni comes out, Pepper being the first person to correct anyone in the press on her pronouns and shut any transphobic bullshit down.
When Toni asks Pepper if it changes anything about their relationship- “because there’s been something here, hasn’t there, Miss Potts?” Toni tries to smirk, but it’s too earnest- Pepper doesn’t hesitate to reassure her. “I’m still your girl, Toni.” They share their first real kiss as soon as the words have left Pepper’s mouth.
As soon as Toni gets back from Afghanistan, she starts estrogen. It’s one thing Pepper doesn’t have to remind her of. She forgets to eat while in her workshop more often than she forgets to take her hormones.
When their relationship goes public, Pepper fields questions about her sexuality by just giving a stare and taking a question from a different reporter. She blacklists reporters if they bring it up more than once.
Toni’s body dysmorphia gets really terrible when her PTSD hits and she keeps building suits to fight it, some of them being noticeably “feminine” in shape, but she hates those worst of all and Pepper tries her hardest to remind Toni that she’s beautiful and sometimes those conversations do nothing and make Toni more upset, but she knows Pepper’s trying and eventually she goes back to bed and let’s Pepper be the big spoon.
Pepper Potts and trans woman!Toni Stark!!!!!!!!!!!!
[NEWS OUTLET VOICE OVER]Doctor Jane Foster was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for her groundbreaking work on the
Einstein-Rosen bridge theory attributed to Thor’s intergalactic travel methods, as well as her work in finding a cure and a treatment to those affected by Loki’s failed attempt at colonizing this world through the Battle of New York, last night in Stockholm, Sweden. She received the prize off the hands of now world famous theoretical physicist Ian Donnelly, who has gained recent fame in his collaboration with the United States army during the Apparition of the 12 alien shells, and assisted Professor Louise Banks in deciphering an alien language. It would seem that we’re beginning to understand the powers around us a little bit better, aren’t we?
Clint watches the replays, hand resting lazily on the remote control. He isn’t absolutely sure as to why he feels so tired – it wasn’t so much being undercover and still being on television, it was the entire sense of achievement. When he’d learnt that Jane was up for the Nobel Physics prize, he had immediately asked Helen Cho and Erik Selvig for their opinion – sure, they had helped him with getting fine tuned to his role as Ian Donnelly, but maybe he needed their expertise a bit more when it came to the fucking Nobel prize.
Thankfully, not a lot of people cared about this year’s prizes, other than the one attributed to literature- Bob Dylan, of all people. He laughs, more of a chuckle, as he turns the television off.
It had been a night where he had felt so out of place – everything was scheduled down to the first plate to be brought out to the security everywhere. If anything, he’d hoped – half expected – the secret services responsible for the protection of the Swedish Royal Family to do a security check on all guests present. Or, maybe, as Helen had told him later on, when he’d promised to guide her through the ceremony and get contact cards for some scientists she wanted to talk science with, it was because the secret service had figured out Ian was just a cover for the Avenger Hawkeye, and had decided that he posed no threat.
(After all, opinions in most European countries was that if anything, if an Avenger like Hawkeye wanted to pay tribute to a scientist who had been able to explain part of the Scandinavian mythology in a logical and sound manner, as well as helped them find a way to understand mind control and move mental health therapy forward, it would be okay).
He smiles to himself.
Jane had thought he was there for protection – she’d asked him, a whisper in his ear as he handed her the prize, if this was like Miss Congeniality, where they put someone in with the rest of the scientists? He’d shaken his head and laughed, moving aside to let her shine.
He didn’t tell her that her experiments, studies and research on the Infinity Gems is what keeps him going – somehow, he wishes she could find the solution faster. But, he guesses, she battles her own battles with her stone, just like he does his, and if anything… She can maybe actually crack the code to healing all of those who had been taken by magic far more advanced than they had ever thought.
based on @alexinthestrangeworld‘s tags on this gifset of when Jeremy Renner awarded Natalie Portman with the Best Actress award at the 2016 Critics Choice Awards:
#okay but imagine #jane wins yet another award for her scientific achievements #maybe one for her studies on bifrost #or maybe reality gem #clint is there undercover as some physicist (ian donnelly ‘cause why not?) #and he is the one give her the award #but also give a little speech thanking her for what she shared with the world #of course jane knows clint and as he hands her a statuette she ask what is it all about #they expect a terrorist attack? an assassin maybe?he just smiles and whispers that he really wanted to be the one who thanks her tonight #he mumbles something about infinity gems and how her studies will make dealing with them a lot safer in the future #he thanks her once more than disappears backstage leaving spotlight for her #yea
look I know it’s been like 3 years since any women had a a meaningful conversation in an MCU movie but that’s no reason to skimp on the femslash there are so many possibilities
Helen Cho and Claire Temple go out for coffee; end up falling in love over mutual complaining about their ridiculous superheroes.
Pepper Potts and Hope Van Dyne meet up to negotiate cooperations between Stark Industries and Pym Tech. Aggressive negotiating turns into eye fucking turns into making out in someone’s office.
Sharon Carter having a ridiculous crush on Bobbi Morse ever since S.H.I.E.L.D. boot camp and wanting to tear her hair out every time Bobbi gets back with Hunter.
Ayo accompanies T’Challa to Avengers Tower on business; is so hot that Useless Bisexal ™ Helen Cho actually drops whatever she was holding.
The Avengers appear on Trish Talk and after being totally unimpressed by any of the guys Trish Walker discovers she can’t even make eye contact with Natasha Romanoff without turning bright red. What are coherent sentences?
Jane Foster and Lady Sif get tired of waiting for Thor to quit dicking around and notice one of them; Sif sweeps Jane off her feet and they ride off into the sunset together.
Jessica Jones starts jokingly flirting with Claire Temple, asking if she wants to cross another Defender off her list. To her absolute shock Claire takes her up on it.
Before she infiltrated Stark Industries, Natasha Romanoff went undercover at Pym Tech. She stole their corporate secrets and Hope Van Dyne’s heart.
Daisy Johnson and Wanda Maximoff take a day off from being stressed out baby superheroes with crappy lives and messed up families to go see a movie together. Making out ensues.
Melinda May, who deserves nice things and rough sex, starts hooking up with Agent Piper, who’s a little scared but also really doesn’t want to question her luck.
Jane Foster and Darcy Lewis have been living together for a year and a half, but don’t realize they’re married until they absentmindedly kiss in the lab one night.
Gamora, the most dangerous woman in the galaxy, becomes a stammering dork when faced with Mantis being completely adorable. Mantis is puzzled.
I could do these literally all day please come talk to me about MCU femslash or tell me yours I need more gay MCU ladies
We all know that Hoth was a simmering mess of hormones and stress and I would pay good money for a soap opera about them. Here are some things which Definitely Happened:
There’s a betting pool going on who takes Luke’s virginity. The favourites are Han and Leia, but Wedge Antilles has pretty good odds, and there’s a small contingent of aliens who are convinced it will be Chewie (after all, who could resist that Wookie musk? Headcanon: most alien races consider humans soft and gross. Most alien races find Wookies absurdly attractive. Han Solo isn’t the ladykiller; Chewie is.)
Leia and Han scream at each other in every corner of the base. Everyone is desperate for them to fuck. They do not. The sexual tension is so thick that it could be cut into blocks and sold as wall insulation. More than once they are ‘accidentally’ locked in a supply cupboard in the vain hope that claustrophobia will act as the catalyst that enables their frustration to spark into true love – or at least nasty raunchy cupboard sex. It does not. All that happens is that the offender has legally changed their name to escape the Wrath of Organa.
Someone paints a shirtless Han Solo on their X Wing. Leia is furious. Han is delighted: both at the highly flattering portrait (he has an eight-pack, he is shredded) and at Leia’s fury (you’re jealous princess/no I am not/you’re jealous, hey I can pose like that for you if you –). Hoth’s winter had nothing on the chilly silence that followed that suggestion.
Luke and Leia both have very graphic dreams about Han Solo. Han Solo has very graphic dreams about the twins – individually, together, he’s thirty fucking years old, why is his brain doing this to him.(Later on they will, individually, realise that due to Luke and Leia’s Force-bond they probably created a circle of Han Solo Sex Dreams: Leia had them, so Luke sensed her lust for Han which intensified his own lust for Han, which led to Luke having Han Solo sex dreams, which led to Leia lusting – and so on, and so on. For the sake of their sanity, they never share this revelation which each other.)
Luke is SO COLD. All the time. WHY DOES NO ONE APPRECIATE HOW COLD HE IS. He comes from a desert world. Of course he’s cold! What is all this white stuff? It was pretty for the first fve seconds but holy fucking Force it is so cold it burns and what the hell is going on with that? He bundles himself up in so many layers that he waddles rather than walks. Fearsome Last of the Jedi indeed.
Luke tapes a knife to a cleaning droid (disc-shaped things that swish around the base, sucking up dirt) and names it Stabby. Why, says Leia. Luke, the boy from Tatooine, shining and happy despite everything says why not. Why not indeed. Stabby is very fond of chasing Han. Han wants desperately to shoot the fucking thing– but then he sees big-eyed Luke and sharp-toothed Leia cooing over it and, well. A little bit of light stabbing is nothing, compared to those two smiling.
STABBY THE SPACE ROOMBA!
I am torn between wanting Stabby to be grabbed and evacuated along with the Rebels and make it to the next base, and wanting Stabby to get Vader.
Compromise: shortly after losing the Millennium Falcon, Vader, storming through the Rebel base, is startled to feel a sudden jolt of pain from the artificial sensors on his left leg prosthetic: a sharp sensation on his ankle. Surprised, because he sensed no threat–is the limb malfunctioning?–he looks down, and there is a cleaning droid with a knife taped to it, a little painted-on Rebel lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY written on it.
He stares down at it, completely and utterly taken aback for the first time in over a decade. Fearlessly, it chitters back at him, sounding very triumphant.
He picks it up.
Off in the fractal weirdness of hyperspace, Rebels on several ships are surprised to find an update on Stabby’s kill-update feed, and then thoroughly shocked at the accompanying image: the upward-pointing camera has captured an image of Darth Vader staring down at the droid.
It’s the fastest news ever to travel through the Rebel grapevine, the mix of triumph and loss that is, they are certain, Stabby’s heroic last stand.
Until a day later, when the thing updates again, this time showing an extremely confused Imperial officer. And another, and another, and another, day after day.
They cancel the funeral.
Vader hasn’t done much just for the fun of it in two decades. Watching Imperial officers swear and clutch their ankles as a cleaning drone with a knife taped to it, an Imperial emblem, lieutenant’s insignia, and the word STABBY painted on it, bumps into them and then chatters triumphantly, he’s figured he’s earned.
STABBY FIC! STABBY STARWARS FIC! YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY!
But do they send in a rescue unit to reclaim their most honorable POW?
no, the rebels are all too happy to have vader backing one of their most valuable psychological weapons. stabby’s antics are invaluable for their ability to escalate tension within imperial ranks, and vader’s personal amusement means stabby will get to keep running his miniature interference mission for a long time to come
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS
STABBY LIVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Grand Moff Tarkin limps into Vader’s quarters. Again. “Lord Vader, enough of this.”
“I have altered the droid; pray I do not alter it any further.”
(If there’s one thing young Anakin Skywalker can appreciate, it’s a hot-rodded maintenance droid, c’mon.)
VADER PUTS A LIGHTSABRE ON STABBY
HE CALLS IT HIS APPRENTICE
MY SON WILL NOT TURN TO THE DARKSIDE BUT MY SON’S STABBY SON WILL
Stabby is eventually recovered and given a medal after the defeat of the Emperor, but his poor little chassis is too badly damaged by then to even hold onto the knife anymore. His internal mechanism is removed and upgraded, and then the Master Droid Tech charged with fixing him casts around for a new casing to put him in.
“Hey!” calls a teenaged Poe Dameron, walking into the Droid repair shop. “I got this decommissioned BB-8 chassis they said to bring in here. It needs a new owner. Captain said I can have it if I can find a new mechanism for it.”
The Master Droid Tech looks at Stabby, then at the BB-8 chassis, then back at Stabby. Stabby turns his unsheathed ocular sensor to Poe and beeps adoringly. (This is a common if relatively new reaction to Poe Dameron, who has just graduated from his Awkward Stage.)
“Yeah, I got one for you right here,” the Tech says, grinning.
OH GOD NO BUT THAT WOULD BE PERFECT. how did the jedi not think of that?
what is anakin’s biggest weakness? attachments.
you know who needs lots of attachment? babies. small children.
anakin should not have been made to study murder: he should have been put in charge of Small Things. He would have bonded with all of them instantly, and it would have given his life Meaning and Purpose.
He’d bond with the kids, but he’d be able to move on because they are Bigger now and they have to go to the Big Kid Class but he still sees them around all the time, and it finally teaches him how to let go of his attachments??? He’d find a kid that he’s particularly fond of and go to Obi-Wan and say “I have found your newest padawan.”
this could have fixed so. many. things. ;_____;
Heh, and Anakin would keep picking Obi-Wan’s padawans for him, and it would be annoying but damn if he wasn’t right every single time.
BUT CAN YOU
JUST IMAGINE HOW ANNOYED PALPATINE WOULD BE his life would be never-ending
string of trying to get a hold of Anakin (I mean, would Anakin give him a time of day if he can spend it with small kids who absolutely adore him instead?)
he keeps
comming over the years, but it’s always like
BEEP
“Anakin, my
boy, we haven’t seen each other in a while—“
“I’m sorry,
Chancellor, now’s not the best time. I’m tutoring a class.”
BEEP
“My dear
boy, I wonder if we could meet for a chat—“
“Well, it
can’t be this week, we’re going to Ilum, but maybe later…”
BEEP
“Anakin,
I’d like to—“
“I’m
terribly sorry, Chancellor,” Obi-Wan Kenobi answers. The apologetic tone might
be just a tad exaggerated. “Anakin is on a trip with younglings, he
must’ve left his comlink behind accidentally.”
BEEP
“You’ve
reached Anakin Skywalker’s private comlink. Leave the message after the tone.”
BEEP
“It’s such
a shame that Council doesn’t consider sending you on this campaign, considering
the lightsaber skills you demonstrated when I was last visiting the Temple,
Anakin.”
“Thank you,
Chancellor, but this is precisely why I need to stay behind. In fact just the
last week, the Masters decided I should take over some advanced lightsaber
classes, considering senior Padawans accompanying their Masters on the frontlines
need the training. I might take the Bear Clan along, make it a learning
opportunity for the young ones—“
Palpatine
closes his eyes slowly. He knows this from experience; Anakin won’t let himself
be budged from the topic of little monsters for at least another half an hour.
BEEP
“Ah,
Chancellor Palpatine. Anakin left his comlink behind again, he’s in class—“
BEEP
“Anakin, I
hoped you—“
“Oh! Chancellor,”
the voice on the other end is distinctly female, and Palpatine recognizes it after
a second. Kenobi’s second Padawan. He barely restrains the urge to gnash his
teeth. “Um, Skyg—I mean, Master Skywalker can’t pick up now. I can tell him you
called? It’s just that he was helping me with forms, and he forgot his comlink,
and he’s probably already in crèche…”
BEEP
Then there’s
that one time when an actual youngling picks up the call. The less said about his
reaction to that incident, the better.
BEEP
“—fortunately,
they were all right in the end. But in my opinion, this should never happened
in the first place, Chancellor.”
Palpatine
snaps awake. Was that… was that anger? Finally, the hours of listening to
worthless drivel about Jedi younglings paid off.
“My boy, I
absolutely agree,” he begins slyly, but before he can continue, Anakin steamrolls
on.
“I think Jedi
Order is too deeply entwined in the conflict! I honestly don’t think even
senior Padawans should be anywhere near battles, not to mention in command of
GAR, but now even younglings are acceptable targets for Separatists and pirates!
Master Yoda and I were talking about this lately, and—“
Palpatine
swallows a scream of rage with some difficulty.
BEEP
“Forgot his
comlink again, Master Skywalker has. With younglings, he is.”
Slaughtering
younglings moved to the top on the list of things Darth Sidious will do after
taking over galaxy some time ago.
this post keeps getting better and better
Since this post is back on my dash, let me add something I was thinking about lately, which is this Anakin & Obi-Wan #1 page:
More specifically, the last four panels.
Stars
above, just look at this smarmy smile. Mace Windu might be saying “Of
course, Chancellor”, but he’s hard-pressed to think of something he’d like to
agree with less.
“The
Jedi are under the Senate’s judistriction.”
It’s
completely innocent, unremarkable, one hundred percent factually true statement.
It’s also said in the most blandly obnoxious tone one can imagine. A tone which
upon being heard is guaranteed to have blood pressure of the recipient going through
the roof.
(You could
find Master Windu in the Room of Thousand Fountains a few hours later. (“The
Jedi are under the Senate’s judistriction.”) You wouldn’t know it by
looking at him, but he’d be meditating away a very un-Jedi-like urge to rip a
certain graying head off.)
A few weeks
pass. Mace manages to put this unfortunate conversation out of his mind almost entirely.
He’s sitting together with Yoda, discussing everyday Order matters.
“Visit us
again, Chancellor will,” Yoda notes after they schedule a joint training
exercise for Padawans for tomorrow.
(“The
Jedi are under the Senate’s judistriction.”)
(”Send
him to me.”)
Windu
stares at his flimsiplast with unseeing eyes for a moment, carefully releasing
sudden spike of annoyance into the Force, before turning to the
Grandmaster.
“There are
still few mission to assign,” he remarks noncommittally.
(The next
day, Master Kenobi and Padawan Skywalker are on a transport to some swampy
planet in Mid-Rim. They both privately wonder why Master Windu is pissed off at
them; they both for once finding their consciences clear; they both arrive at
the inevitable conclusion that the other must be at fault; and they both decide
magnanimously to not embarrass their companion by asking what the hell they did.)
Mace Windu
absolutely does not let this petty act of revenge completely justified assignment
buoy his mood during next meeting with Chancellor (and several after that).
A month
passes, then another.
One sunny
afternoon, strolling through the Temple halls, Mace Windu happens upon
unwelcome visage of Chancellor Palpatine.
“Chancellor,”
he stops to greet the politician. His voice has just the right amount of polite
inquiry in it, and no one would know that somewhere deep in his soul, a more punctuated
question echoes. What the kriff are you doing here.
“Master
Windu,” the Chancellor replies, and no one knows this either, but he’s not
stopping just to make small talk with the Jedi. The rules of propriety and
social niceties are last thing on his mind, because a vanishingly rare
opportunity for someone in his position just presented itself.
It’s the
opportunity to gloat.
It’s a
little thing, really, but it counts.
“I’m just
on my way to meet Anakin,” he smiles. “Since my schedule isn’t full for once.”
A Jedi Master
of Mace Windu’s caliber has too much poise to let his eye twitch.
“Isn’t he
in class?” Mace inquires. Wouldn’t it just be wonderful, if Skywalker was busy right this minute.
“I wouldn’t
presume to interrupt him then! No, I commed ahead and Anakin told me his
afternoon is free.”
Jedi accept
both victory and defeat with the same serene dignity, for reveling in either is
not their way. Thus Master Windu inclines his head slightly, says “I see,” and
bids the Chancellor a good afternoon.
(“The
Jedi are under the Senate’s judistriction.”)
Those words
most definitely did not haunt Mace Windu, for he did not lay awake this night,
did not curse Anakin Skywalker for handing out his private comm number to
politicians, and did not wonder what other activities beside gossiping with
Chancellor of the Republic he could assign to arrogant Padawans with far, far
too much time on their hands (he checked Skywalker’s schedule; the boy indeed ought
have been in afternoon class, if not for the fact that he tested out of it).
Well,
alright, maybe he did. But only for a few moments, before letting the Force
carry away the irritation, trusting that the cosmic energy would help him to
realize how incredibly unimportant is his dislike of Chancellor Palpatine’s
overbearing need to poke his nose into Jedi matters in general and training of
Anakin Skywalker in particular.
His trust
is rewarded the very next day.
It is well
known fact that Master Yoda is fond of younglings. Crechemasters have the
unspoken permission to bother him at any time of they with matters concerning
the little ones. Request for advice, reports about Yoda’s favorites, inquires
about Knights and Padawans who might be free to help out—it’s a background
noise whenever Mace accompanies the Grandmaster, which is most of the time.
“…they were
delighted with Padawan Secura, it’s a shame she and Master Vos had to leave so
urgently. Perhaps we can repeat this sometime later.”
“Oh?” Mace
interrupts the Crechemaster unexpectedly. “Why not have one of other Padawans
currently in Temple do it?”
“Do you
have someone in mind, Master Windu?”
It’s the
Will of the Force.
Master
Windu knows this, because it sings triumphantly around him as he discovers that
serendipitously known to him schedule of a particular Padawan—who tragically
missed out on the magic of crèche experience due to his unusual circumstances—complements
the Crechemaster’s plans perfectly in a way that leaves no time for visits from
entitled politicians.
“Yes. Yes,
I do,” Mace replies and puts Anakin Skywalker down for youngling-sitting duty
for the foreseeable future with a sense of job well-done.
This AU idea came from a conversation with @tcf-dendral in which I said that Obi-Wan is always randomly finding things of massive import (who happens to discover an already-paid-for clone army of 3 million and then stumbles into a droid army hiding in the Outer Rim? seriously) that if he hadn’t been on Tatooine with Qui-Gon and Padme, they probably wouldn’t have found Anakin at all. And then Dendral said that he didn’t play any particularly important role while on Tatooine, anyway, and I was like, well, Qui-Gon couldn’t very well just leave him on Naboo, he’s his Padawan.
…BUT WHAT IF HE DID?
So, TPM AU where instead of going with Qui-Gon and the Queen to Coruscant, Obi-Wan stays behind on Naboo, to provide support for the people in any way he can while they’re under siege. He ends up, of course, stumbling into the underground resistance movement and joins them. (Qui-Gon is Not Impressed when he finds out later. “You led another resistance movement?”
“I didn’t!” Obi-Wan protests, quickly re-holstering the blaster he had been using in lieu of his lightsaber because they couldn’t let the Trade Federation know that there was a Jedi there helping out the Naboo people.
“Like all the other times you “didn’t” lead a resistance movement or fight in a war?”
“I didn’t do those either! Didn’t you read my reports on those incidents that I submitted to the Council, Master?”
Qui-Gon sighs.)
Meanwhile, since magnet-for-trouble Obi-Wan isn’t with Qui-Gon and the Queen, they actually have a smooth trip back to Coruscant. She presents her suit to the Senate, they decline to help her, and she returns to Naboo determined to use military force to break the blockade.
Maul is still goes to confront Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan but since there’s no tension between them, they’re able to work together and defeat him. Qui-Gon doesn’t die. Obi-Wan still gets Knighted.
On his first solo mission, Obi-Wan’s ship crash lands on Tatooine.
I LOVE THESE TAGS. You have made my whole week with these tags. YES TO ALL OF THIS.
I’m grinning so hugely, you have no idea. This would happen lol – Obi-Wan is just a magnet for trouble in every form. And Anakin absOLUTELY has a tendency to fixate on the individuals he is infatuated with/cares about and become unhealthily jealous of their every interaction with other beings. At least in this scenario, he has a more stable childhood and still has his mother both for emotional support and to help keep him in line.
#ANAKIN HATES THE SITH THEY MAKE HIS BOND WITH OBI-WAN ALL JANGLY (@themikeymonster) – OK, but tell me that’s how they find out Palpatine’s a Sith, y/y? Palpatine doesn’t know Anakin’s Force sensitive since he never became a Jedi or got called the Chosen One + Anakin has incredible shielding after spending all those years on it (look, he was trying to impress Obi-Wan, OK?!!), so when Anakin ends up alone in the same room with Palpatine by accident, Palpatine doesn’t bother shielding too hard. And Anakin, what with his ridiculous force strength, immediately recognizes that there’s something off with his bond with Obi-Wan. Which obviously means Sith. Again.
Cue him asking Obi-Wan via their Super Strong Force Bond™, “What’s happened, are you OK, do I need to come rescue you again? Just say the word and I’ll –”
Obi-Wan rolls his eyes and cuts off his friend’s frantic babbling. “I’m fine, Anakin. I’m sitting in my quarters at the Temple drinking a cup of tea.”
“But then why…?”
And that’s when the proverbial lightbulb comes on.
Anakin was also motivated to perfect his shielding because Obi-Wan used to sneak up on him all the time to pour glasses of water/sand over his head or just shout and startle the life out of Anakin and then laugh himself silly. Anakin could never reciprocate because Obi-Wan always sensed him coming. Until one day he finally perfected his shielding to the point that Obi-Wan didn’t feel him sneaking up on him and Anakin splashed a bucket of water at his back and cackled when Obi-Wan yelped. (This was before Anakin grew to be taller than Obi-Wan. And he’s come a long way to be able waste water like that and not feel like someone was going to die because of it.) That was the only time he could pull off that prank. But he’ll always remember Obi-Wan smiling at him, hair and robes soaked and dripping with water. “Alright, you got me good, Anakin. Now keep up that shielding.”
Anyway, but yes, that is totally how they find out about Palpatine. Obi-Wan tells Anakin to get out of there “and don’t let on that you know about him.” The Jedi and certain trusted Senators work together to figure out Palpatine’s scheme and plan a surgical strike to take him out. (It’s successful, the war ends, and everyone gets to work on rebuilding and detangling the mess that Palpatine mired them in.)
I like things neatly wrapping up as much as anyone, but I’m also thinking like … This is Anakin we’re talking about here. Even an Anakin who is a fairly well adjusted civilian is … still Anakin. This Anakin has never had any personal run-ins with the Sith, and more importantly, has probably never realized entirely how dangerous Obi-Wan’s lifestyle is.
I’m thinking Anakin realizing that Palps is a Sith and being like
(ง’̀-‘́)ง
I can take him
No Ani, no you can not just take him. Get away from there.
Anakin just constantly demanding to be let in on the plans to get Palps like let me help, I can do it! He’s always been in a bad mood over the fact that Obi-Wan spends so much time in danger, but having come so close to the instigator of all that trouble, he’s just constantly let me at ‘em!
can’t fight every politician
You bring up some really good points! Anakin totally would go off half-cocked when he realizes who Palpatine is. His head may not have been filled with all that Chosen One prophecy nonsense but he’s still protective of those he loves and would take on anyone for them. But here, Anakin’s never been trained to use the Force offensively so it’s not what he automatically turns to in a fight. Instead, I’m imagining Anakin trying to throw himself physically at the Chancellor on impulse. The guards get to him before he makes contact and arrests him, then throws him in prison overnight. The Chancellor thinks he’s just one of the anti-war protesters who managed to get into the Senate building somehow so he doesn’t pay him any mind. Dex and Shmi have to come bail him out and he’s banned from the Senate building. (And he’s probably gonna have to go to trial for it because trying to attack the Chancellor, even with just fists, would be considered a pretty big crime.)
He goes to the Temple and crashes one of the strategy meetings. Most of the Jedi there are like ‘wtf, how did you get into this war room? it’s locked with the Force and only a Jedi can open it.’ and Obi-Wan’s just like ‘uh, this is a friend of mine. he’s Force sensitive but untrained. we may have Force bonded.’
More on the topic of Anakin+water under the cut because this is getting long.
I love this. But what has Qui Gon Jinn being doing this whole time? Apart of missing Obi Wan like ALL THE TIME. He would just be in a diplomacy mission, that is going flawlessly well for the first time in a DECADE and just, turn his head to the left to tell Obi wan to be prepared bc all is probably going to go to shit and- there’s no one there. So he concentrates to the mission and ignores the hole in his chest and ALL IS GOING WELL LIKE THERE’S NOT SECRET PLOT, NO SECRET ARMY, NO PREBUSCENT BOYS RECRUITING HIS PADAWAN and Qui Gon just- ‘Uh, this is what normal feeled like’ And at the end of the mission he’s reporting for the council feeling so unsatisfied that it couldn’t be shielded so the council ask and Qui Gon responds ‘It was just to prefect. It’s highly suspicious’ And Master Windu just can’t with that guy.
LMAO and YES TO ALL OF THIS. I love it. I’ve been sitting here cackling like you have no idea. This is the best. Qui-Gon all perplexed like “is this what missions used to be like? is this what missions are like for other Jedi? they…actually…turn out fine?” There are no more “helpless” creatures finding him and following him, no more being chased through jungles or getting into planetary wars (which in a way is good because he is getting older but he’s also so so bored). Obi-Wan meanwhile is traveling the galaxy getting adopted by wild creatures left and right, starting and putting out literal and metaphorical fires, getting his missions done but also getting side-tracked and taking care of a bunch of random things along the way. He keeps bringing lifeforms he’s found back to Coruscant and the Temple.
Years later, when the clone wars start, absolutely no one is surprised to learn that Obi-Wan was the one to discover both armies. Oh, and at some point, Obi-Wan somehow encounters Boga and she adopts him and follows him home because I love her and need her to be in in this world in some way. But how will she and Ri-Lara get along??? Where will all of them live???
Well at one point The jedi council will just go ‘The hell With it, this place is pretty big and these weird EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND LOVESICK creatures just keep coming in, let’s just give The guy a wing. Or sth
And of course Oboga wan happens. Their relationship is just to precious to not to. And she and Ri-Lara would be that pair of old ladies that bitches about everyone (more anakin than anybody bc hating him is just a must if Obi Wan adopts you. Like that Assaj. She still hasn’t join them, but they have time) and knew each other since diapers
Also, meanwhile everyone is frEAKING about Obi wan’s terrible luck he is obvious. Just doing extraordinary things everyday like a normal thing to do, you know? Sure that two days of secret-planet-with-secret-clone-army-and-grandmaster-turncloack was a little intense, but he’s pretty sure he started a cult in Tatooine somehow and Jawa The Hutt still comns him to curse him un huttese (Anakin didn’t aprove, so he insulted back- The argument lasted five hours. There were even breaks) sometimes so, yes, he just basically tales everything in stride (He swears The rest just like to exagerate. Really. It’s sweet that they worry about him that much though) Oh. And there’s The sith. Somehow -and no, he can’t figure out why- every darksider he mets ends up slighty obsessed With him. Just because. (And then there’s Anakin Skywalker and Qui Con Jinn ‘let’s go to al missions together. Like a team’ Obi Wan loves them, really, but don’t they realize that they’re both a giant, glowing, DANGER MAGNET!??)
Oooh, yes, I like the idea of Obi-Wan getting a whole wing of the Temple to himself. I was thinking he’d have to move to a planet with a more natural environment for for Boga and Ri-Lara. But a whole wing, probably on the same floor as the gardens, would work quite nicely. That whole area becomes a playground for those two; soon, all the Jedi start avoiding it and they get used to hear roars and crashes coming from there during the day. And sometimes pitiful wailing when Obi-Wan’s gone for too long on a mission. Those are somehow the worst.
Anakin’s going to have to strike up a truce with them if he wants to marry Obi-Wan (and he still does). He adds a phase to his plan: Befriend the Terrors.
And haha, one day Ventress shows up at the Temple and Jedi are scrambling for their lightsabers and then Mace notices that she hasn’t lit hers. She’s just calmly standing there, arms crossed and one brow raised and Mace sighs and is like “let me guess, you’re looking for Kenobi?” She gives a short nod and he has her escorted to Obi-Wan’s wing, secretly hoping that one of Obi-Wan’s feral pets will eat her. (They don’t, they quite like her.)
Someone else on tumblr pointed out that PASSENGERS might have been a more
meaningful movie if it was about just THE ONE person dealing with being
alone on the ship for the rest of their life. And if, to cope, they go
through and make it a point to learn everything they can about all of the other
people on the ship.
And I just keep thinking about this idea.
There are
4999 other people on that ship and what if the protagonist spent the
remainder of their life (and they do live their full life) learning about each of them.
They took an
interest in their hobbies so that they could have some sort of
connection to them.
As their sanity flexed in an effort to cope, they could have had these really involved
imaginary conversations with the crew about their interests. And by the end
of their natural life they will have known everything they could have ever known
about these other 4999 people.
…
AND THEN THE REST OF THEM WAKE UP. And they have some
90 odd years of security footage of this one crew member talking to each of them in turn. And it goes far beyond ‘I have figured out how to cook that one dish you were struggling with’ or ‘I have readTHE SILMARILLION at your suggestion and Jesus Christ I have thoughts about it.’
They actually start making connections between all of the crew.
Like ‘You like bugs! You should totally talk to Cindy! She’s an entomologist!’
Or ‘Did you know that you and Said’s grandfathers were both in the same infantry?’
Or ‘You and Jamie are both avid bee keepers and I think you need to meet.’
Or ‘I know you’re really struggling with this, but Aneesha said she went the exact same thing and I think talking to her can help.’
And because all of these crew members are watching the videos that have been individually addressed to them (Because why not? They’re colonizing. There’s not a lot yet available by way of entertainment) they sort of start talking to each other at the Protagonist’s suggestion. And within a year they are THE MOST unified interconnected colony of any of the colonies because this one crew member broke the ice for them a lifetime ago.
Several of them are engaged.
Two are about to have children named after the Protagonist.
…
AND BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE NOW they notice when one week a crew member isn’t out and about and no one can get in touch with them. So finally somebody goes to check and they find them huddled in a ball and mourning.
Because Protagonist is dead.
And the other people are like: ‘Yes. We know. This is literally the first thing we knew about them.’
But Mourner is like: ‘You don’t understand. I got to the end.’
And then everyone realizes that the mourner has basically been BURNING through all of the videos Protagonist has addressed to them and got to the last one they made to them before they died. And Protagonist left a final message for each of them.
Suddenly everyone’s having a real frank conversation with themselves about how fast they’re going through their videos and if they’re prepared to keep going at that rate and get to the end, or if they should put it off indefinitely.
And one by one, in time, each of them realizes they can’t put it off. Not only are they invested in the end, but they care enough about Protagonist to really acknowledge their death.
Each crew member does this at their own pace. It becomes a rite of passage of sorts. And Protagonist is given some sort of proper memorial so the colonists all have a place to go when their time comes to grieve.
…
BUT BEFORE EVERYONE GETS TO THE END, someone has started noticing how Protagonist treated the robots on the ship over the years. And surprise, surprise, Protagonist named all the robots too and treated them like individuals depending on their quirks. So now someone has finally solved the mystery of why droid 808 insists on being called ‘Bob,’ and why 239 knows ASL, and why the auxiliary robots are so salty about nobody ever being able to tell them apart.
Not only that, but security logs shows that the robots were about 19% more efficient when Protagonist was alive than they are now. And THE VERY SECOND the rest of the crew starts observing the same habits Protagonist used in treating these robots ALL OF THAT EFFICIENCY COMES RIGHT BACK.
Because they missed Protagonist too.
…
And things settle. Everyone thinks they’ve reached the end of Protagonist’s surprises.
…
THEN THEY ARE FINALLY ABLE TO START TRANSPORTATION BETWEEN THEMSELVES AND THE OTHER COLONIES.
And a visiting party shows up.
The visitors are surprised to see HOW WELL everyone on this colony is getting along, because, wow, people are civil where they come from but GODDAMN.
And one of these visiting members is really excited to see their sibling.
And ‘Oh, that’s so nice! Who is it?’
And then the visiting member says a name every single person on this colony knows.
The colonists have to tell them what happened to their sibling, Protagonist.
But they also HAVE to tell the sibling what knowing Protagonist MEANT to them. And what Protagonist knowing THEM, meant to them.
And it’s sad.
The colony pretty much wholesale adopts Protagonist’s sibling as a part of their family because they don’t know what else they can do to fill that void. But just in case, they give the Protagonist’s sibling THE ENTIRETY of Protagonist’s security footage. Because there is 90 years of it and that way they can carry their sibling with them for the rest of their life even if only in video.
And then the colonists think:
‘This. This was the end of Protagonist’s story. And this was a good a proper way to observe it.’
…
AND THEN ONE DAY A SHIP SHOWS UP THAT IS NOT LIKE ANY SHIP THE COLONISTS HAVE EVER SEEN.
And the people driving it aren’t human.
They speak English and passable French. They can chicken scratch Urdu, Mandarin, and Swahili.
Everyone is stunned and wants to know ‘why…?’ and ‘how…?’
And the aliens are just, like, ‘Oh. Protagonist. We ran into them while you were in space. They told us you’d be settling here and asked that we check up on you whenever we were rolling by this quadrant next.’
‘They were really nice. Taught us English. Gave us the files on a couple of your other popular languages as well just to be safe. How’s the colonizing going anyway?’
And everyone thinks back to THAT ONE MONTH of security footage where Protagonist was NIGH IMPOSSIBLE to find. And when they finally did come back to their normal routine they were really quiet and thoughtful for about a week before really getting back to themselves.
The linguists all suddenly remember that IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THAT REALLY WEIRD MONTH, Protagonist had a new coded language saved to their personal affects and was very insistent that they LEARN IT. ‘FOR REASONS.’
And very quietly, the entire colony makes peace with the fact that Protagonist established a very successful first contact while they were all asleep.
My favorite thing ever is how Ron just sent Charlie a random letter like “hey yo there’s an illegal dragon at hogwarts, could you come and smuggle it out of here, please?” and Charlie was just like “yeah sure, I’ll trespass into the castle and steal a dangerous magical creature, of course, lemme just hit up my friends”
It’s better if you imagine Charlie and co as a group of Grad Students trying to avoid their other responsibilities.
Charlie is drunkenly revising the third draft of his thesis on proper care and feeding of greenhorns when his family owl slams into the window.
Three of his friends jump and look around. Glinda doesn’t raise her head from her folded arms; only groans, “Is that Baines coming to do me in?”
Charlie totters to the window and fetches Errol from the window pane. “No such luck,” he says. “You’re still going to have to take the exam.” After some consideration, Charlie lays him on a clear patch of floor to recover. “Do owls take firewhiskey?” he asks the room at large.
“It’s not fair,” Glinda wails into the tabletop. “I swear he didn’t say anything about Bridgewort’s handling practices when we did the review in class.”
“Oh, Merlin,” says Ali, freezing over their notes like a Medusa wyvern had bitten them. “Oh, Merlin’s sweet saggy socks. Is he covering Bridgewort?”
“That’s what he said when I went to his office hours.” Glinda sits up. “You know his lapdragon singed my new sweater?!”
Charlie decides not to give Errol a nip of whiskey. Flying under the influence is really not done. He unties the letter from Errol’s leg. Ron’s childish spiky handwriting spells out Charlie’s name on the front. Inside is a hastily scrawled message.
“Yes, we know it ruined your sweater,” snaps Ysabelle. “You told us twenty times. Why didn’t you tell us Baines told you we’re going to be tested on Bridgewort?”
“I meant to,” says Glinda. “Sorry.” She flicks her pile of notes. “I was lost in the miasma of gloom and desperation.”
Ali puts their head back and groans. “I’m gonna die. I’m gonna say ‘fuck it’ and just fucking walk into a dragon’s mouth so I don’t have to do this.”
“Hey,” says Charlie. They don’t hear him.
“How much is this worth again?” Glinda asks her bottle of butterbeer.
“Twenty-five percent,” Ali and Ysabelle chorus. Ysabelle adds, “and the thesis is fifty percent of our total grade.”
“Hey!” Charlie repeats. They look at him. He waves Ron’s letter. “My littlest brother at Hogwarts has an illegal dragon he needs to get off campus. Anybody up for a midnight flight?”
Ali slams their hands down on the table and stands up. “Fuck yes,” they say decisively. “Maybe I’ll fly into the Whomping Willow and die a quick death.”
I like to imagine that the Winter Soldier would have been programmed with basically every language that he would need for missions, and, for the sake of versimillitude, his handlers would make sure that he had the appropriate accent/diction and backstory to flawlessly pass as a native of a decently sized city in the country he was working in. So he speaks French like he’s from Toulouse, German like he’s from Cologne etc., allowing him to seamlessly blend in with the locals when he’s out raining destruction across Europe.
Unfortunately, the Red Room – not being known for its commitment to multiculturalism – didn’t think this system through very carefully when it came time to send the Winter Soldier off to do his first ever long mission for their comrades in China. They just program him to speak Mandarin like a statistically unremarkable proletarian from Zhangjiakou and send him on his merry way.
So he arrives in China with his Soviet handler and the following circumstances align to make the entire mission, from the perspective of the Red Room, a disaster from start to finish.
1. It’s 1971, and China is not open to the outside world. Most of the men on the Soldier’s strike team have never met a foreigner in their lives.
2. Those who have met a foreigner have never met one who speaks completely fluent Mandarin with a paint-peeling Hebei accent.
3. This is ENORMOUSLY INTERESTING AND ENTERTAINING to everyone he encounters.
4. Instead of being unremarkable and blending in with the locals he gets mobbed by curious spectators everywhere he goes. His strike team, despite being a little scared of him at first, are so excited to talk to a foreigner who they can actually communicate with that they constantly come up with excuses to hang out and chat.
5. China’s relative lack of development in the early seventies means that there aren’t the facilities to wipe him or put him in the freezer, so the main weapons that Handler Dima has at his disposal to keep the Soldier in line are 1. it’ll be hard for him to run away because he tends to attract crowds, and 2. He sometimes looks very ashamed of himself if you give him a sternly worded talking-to.
6. The Soldier is having the time of his life. Look at me, look at all of my friends, I have so many friends, EVERYONE LIKES ME.
The Winter Soldier, doing shots of baijiu and toasting to the health of Chairman Mao. The Winter Soldier, chain smoking and eating millions of sunflower seeds while playing Fight the Landlord with his new pals on a cross-country sleeper train. The Winter Soldier, doing morning tai chi and calisthenics along with his team. The Winter Soldier, preening every time someone tells him that he looks like a movie star (his handler says “They’re just saying that because they only ever see Europeans in films,” to which the Soldier replies, “But Dima, why don’t they say that you look like a movie star?”). The Winter Soldier, showboating shamelessly for his strike team, who have started calling him Lao Da and looking to him for orders while ignoring Handler Dima, who can’t speak Chinese and definitely can’t shoot two people at the same time while doing a backflip. The Winter Soldier, making elaborate Chinese puns and teaching his guys useful English phrases that he can’t remember learning (Did you come here alone, doll?). The Winter Soldier, harassing his buddies until they show him pictures of their wives and kids and then sincerely complimenting them on their beautiful families. The Winter Soldier, suspecting that he has experienced this kind of camaraderie before but unable to remember when and how.
His next mission, in Vietnam, is the first time that they muzzle him.
How dare
THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY AND THEN SO UPSET
that was the swiftest and most unexpected knife in the heart tbh
Now I’m seriously contemplating writing the story in the tags, just Bucky tooling around Flushing with his grizzled 60-something 哥们儿 while Steve looks on in utter bafflement
Steel Phoenix Studios 