i bought an echo and a wifi lightbulb just so i could say “computer, turn off the light” instead of getting out from under the covers to flip the switch
problem found: my husband keeps yelling for the echo to play certain songs before he enters the bedroom so he can have entrance music appropriate to his mood
i honest to god was walking through the parking lot of my college’s chick fil a and i witnessed with my own damn eyes two beautiful women, one in a plain dress and the other in a navy uniform, hold hands and then kiss each other goodbye and it was so cute and as i turned to head back to my dorm i saw these two boys staring at them across the parking lot and i was like “oh no” but then the taller one grabbed the shorter one and kissed him really hard and they looked so embarrassed and i realized that sometimes you just gotta have a little courage yknow
Gay culture is kissing your partner on a chick fil a parking lot, making the CEO of Chick FIL A cry.
I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”
one of my favorite tropes is when your group of main characters has been split up for questioning and they’re all answering the same questions in a neatly-spliced montage
my favorite trope is when the stories blatantly and hilariously conflict
Guys a few days ago i saw these two guys that were both probably in their early twenties at the store at like nine o’clock at night and one of them was wearing these fuzzy duck sandals that quacked loudly every time he took a step and his friend was pacing away from him as fast as he could going “I don’t know you. We are not friends.” While the other laughed hysterically about his duck shoes.
The Most Beautiful Man In The World lives in my building. i don’t know his name. we met on a bus, when i smiled WAY too brightly at him for strangers because, honest to god, my whole heart lit up in a way that made me think, “oh, i must know that guy!!” no. i didn’t. he’s just The Most Beautiful Man In The World.
what does The Most Beautiful Man In The World look like? i will tell you:
like the way the sun spills over water at dusk
like the way food smells when you’re hungry
like the sound angels make when they’re doing folk covers of pop songs on their heavenly harps
and also kind of like the guy who played Chad in “high school musical,” if the guy who played Chad in “high school musical” was the most beautiful man in the world.
i tell you this not only to brag that i live in the same apartment complex as The Most Beautiful Man In The World but also because i want to know WHY, if there even IS A GOD, every single time i run into The Most Beautiful Man In The World i look like a LITERAL DUMPSTER TROLL that has just CRAWLED OUT OF ITS GARBAGE HOUSE in search of FREE WIFI AND A SLURPEE. i want to know why i can never just BE COOL with The Most Beautiful Man In The World when we ride the elevator together, which is!!!! kind of often!!!!!
DID YOU GUYS KNOW that sometimes i look nice?? sometimes i actually look like a FUNCTIONING ADULT!!! sometimes i would go so far as to say i am an ATTRACTIVE INDIVIDUAL!!!!!
you know who DOESN’T know any of that???
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN IN THE WORLD, WHO LIVES IN MY BUILDING!!!
here’s a quick rundown of the last few times i ran into The Most Beautiful Man In The World:
i was wearing a maxi dress i had very cleverly biked home in, without a helmet* (*don’t try that at home, kids), in the VERY HOT AFTERNOON SUN, so i was a GROSS SWEAT MONSTER but without any OBVIOUS INDICATOR that there was a normal reason for it, and i couldn’t stand to look at him so i just glared at my phone while he probably wondered, alarmed, whether i was fleeing the scene of a crime
i was wearing a white shirt that i had not SECONDS before spilled salsa ALL OVER in a big red stain right down the front like a KINDERGARTNER
i was carrying two armfuls of ENORMOUS bags of popcorn with a three musketeers bar literally in my mouth and he overheard me say through my stuffed candy cheeks to my doorman, “oh, no, i’m not having a party, this is literally all for me”
i dropped my backpack while opening my mail and said to it, defeatedly, “why? why did you do that when i explicitly told you not to? do you like being on the floor?”
i fell into and then off of the elevator
why??? why does this happen??? what vengeful god has orchestrated it so the ONLY TIMES i ever run into The Most Beautiful Man In The World are when i could easily be mistaken for a child’s doll that has been put through the wash by accident, or a dollar bill that has been stained by years of being in people’s sweaty palms, or a mop with eyes???
whatever. everything costs money and everyone you love disappoints you. Mop Eyes out.
I have no idea what’s going on in this post, but I desperately want The Most Beautiful Man In The World of this post’s fame to have secretly been in love with his neighbor Trash Monster the entire time.
seriously i want this guy to come across this post and slowly put it all together like “salsa stain… popcorn bags… talking to backpack… oh my god this is Awkward Cutie in 3B… OH MY GOD AWKWARD CUTIE LIKES ME” and then romance
Steel Phoenix Studios 