today at goodwill i found a kirk/spock au where kirk is a lowly redshirt
Okay no but this book.
Do you know how fucking long I hunted for a copy of the first edition of this book? I can’t remember the specifics, it’s been ages since I read it, but in the first edition it had some line that was basically confirming Kirk/Spock that was removed after the first printing.
oh my god are you telling me i found a piece of fandom history and i had no idea
I AM BACK AT GOODWILL AND IT’S STILL HERE AND IT’S A FIRST EDITION WITH GAY STUFF???? IT’S A DOLLAR?????? I’M
it starts out with wholesome hand-holding and boyfriends worrying about each other
they’re in an au now and kirk is an angry ensign with a drug problem
“being the top felt weird and wrong”
SOMETHING STIRRED INSIDE HIM
no matter the universe kirk can’t keep his shirt intact
THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS REAL Y’ALL I CAN’T
THE MIND MELD IS BARELY EVEN A METAPHOR
KIRK WAS ASKING FOR IT
aaaaaaaaaaah
this is the best dollar i have ever spent and yes that includes bearllionaire
I’d heard about this as some sort of fandom urban legend – everyone heard about it, no one seemed to have hard copy. Nobody was sure if it was some unpublished fanfic, a first draft, vanity press, whatever.
Ok, but what if Captain Kirk did a “morning announcements” thing every day? XD
“Good mooooooorning, Enterprise! This is your dashing young Captain speaking and we’ve got a lot of announcements to get through, so sit back and listen to the melodious sound of my voice.”
(*Crew stops whatever they’re doing throughout ship to groan and roll eyes collectively*)
“First up, happy birthday to Lieutenant Ross, Ensign Jones, and science officers Chotikua, Benson, and finally, Itaaeaguchi-sloohito’niknik’ra of security, who has reached the ripe old age of one-hundred-and-thirty-seven living cycles. He should be through the worst of the violently aggressive pubescent stage by now and emerging from his cocoon any time, but if you happen to cross paths with any of the other afore mentioned individuals today, give them a big hug. Oh, and just a heads-up, if anyone has plans for birthday cake later, due to a programming malfunction, the replicators are currently unable to produce vanilla or golden fronzelberry frosting.”
(Ensign Jones: “Aw, mannn!”)
“But don’t worry, we’ve got our very own Mister Scott and his faithful sidekick Mister Chekov working on it right now.” *Muffled Scottish cursing in the background* “Apologies for any inconvenience. Next, Mister Hendorff has requested that I remind everyone of the upcoming hostile takeover drill…and to please put the phaser rifles back in order on the rack when we’re done. It’s not that hard, just go by the matching color-coded stickers. His words, not mine.”
(Random crew member: “Pfft, ok, whatever.”)
“And now, in recreational news, the ship’s book group will be meeting next Thursday for their monthly discussion. This month’s novel is the thrilling mystery ‘Who Moved My Tribble”, by the best-selling author Otis Skyflip. There’s still time to read it if you haven’t already, and you really should. I did and it changed my life.”
(Random fangirl crew member: “I love you Otis! I love you! Save the tribbles!”)
“Also, the championship tournament of the interdepartmental volleyball league will be happening Friday night between engineering and medical. It’s sure to be a nail-biter and keep you on your toes, so don’t miss out! Speaking of toes, the Dinerian swing-dancing/karaoke/vegetarian potluck is the night after. The last one was a huge success, although, may I remind everyone that the carbonated froos-fassang flavored frappe…you know, the one with the rainbow sprinkles and whipped cream, is no longer allowed in the rec hall due to last week’s little ‘incident’. It took three days to get that stuff out of the carpet. I’m looking at you, Lieutenant Lester.”
(Lieutenant Lester: “Hey, I didn’t do that! I was framed!”)
“And…” *Someone else whispering in background* “Oh, yes, thank you for bringing that up, Uhura. Ok, would whoever keeps writing ‘command rules and operations drools’ on the walls of the deck three bathrooms please stop? It was funny the first time, but now it’s just stupid. And also it’s vandalism. Again, I’m looking at you, Lieutenant Lester.”
(Lieutenant Lester: “Wha–why do I get blamed for everything?!”)
“Anyway, before I get to the menu, a few housekeeping issues. It has come to my attention that the ship’s lost-and-found is starting to get a little out of hand. If you don’t claim your missing items by the end of this week, especially whoever misplaced the tank of flesh-eating cacti, everything will be donated to the Rigel colony. Well…except for the tank of flesh-eating cacti. And lastly, people are forgetting to turn the headlights off when they’re done using the shuttles. Turn the lights off, guys. We can’t have low batteries when the Klingons decide to attack again. Bad news.”
(Lieutenant Lester: “…..Ok, I may have actually done that.”)
“Alright, now the moment you’ve all been waiting for…”
(Random crew member: “Just say it already, geez!”)
“…the menu! Today we will be having Andorian-style enchiladas with the options of mild, medium or volcanic hot-sauce–there will be medics on standby, of course–purple guacamole, mixed galactic fruit salad, chocolate chunk cookies, and, by popular demand, Kaferian apple juice.”
(Entire crew: “YESSS!”)
“That’s all I’ve got for now, folks. Thanks for listening, I’ll be here all–”
(*Mic crackles*)
“Vaccines for Regulan blood worm-transmitted flu have arrived and are mandatory for all crew members, so get down here and–”
“Yes, thank you, Bones. As I was saying, keep being awesome, live long and prosper, have a wonderful day, all that stuff. Kirk out!”
I’ve heard the theory that Kirk’s logs just get circulated round headquarters for lulz before being dumped in the circular file as obvious fabrications by someone bored with a frontier posting.
“Hey, have you seen this one? He says he fought Apollo.”
“What, the old earth probe?”
“Try the old earth GOD!”
“Hilarious! Classic Kirk! That’s better than the time when he was transported to an evil dimenison.”
The reason why in The Naked Now it was Riker who remembered that the previous polywater infection had happened is that he’s the sort of person who would read The Hilarious Adventures of Captain Kirk for fun.
I especially like this idea because of the implication that all the other captains in Starfleet are reporting perfectly ordinary experiences like visiting a space station, dropping off supplies at a colony, bit of a stand-off with some Klingons in disputed space but got out of it unscathed – and then there’s Kirk all, “sorry guys we’ve been off course this week because my first officer seriously needed to get laid (LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA MY NECK STILL HURTS)” and “let me tell you about the Chicago Gangster planet” and “WHIPPED AND THROWN IN JAIL BY SPACE NAZIS.”
I actually really like the above explanation
“So wait, they stole his first officer’s brain?”
I always preferred the idea that every single Constitution-class starship of the Kirk era was running into all kinds of insane shit and so the Enterprise’s adventures mostly just got lost in the shuffle.
“Sir, Starbase 12 reports a flock of space sharks cruising through the system. They’re worried about them chewing on the antennae.”
“Can we get the Hood over there to monitor their path and shoo them off if need be?”
“No can do sir, Hood called in two days ago, says the Captain took his security detail down to the local surface to fight an army of evil komodo dragons.”
“Damn. What about the Valiant?”
“Captain says she’s currently engaged in a duel of wits with a clone of Bismarck.”
“Like the battleship?”
“No sir, a clone of Otto von Bismarck, the German chancellor from the 1900s.”
“I’m scared to ask, but where’s the Potemkin?”
“Last reported in pursuit of a super-intelligent shade of blue.”
“God’s sake. What about the Enterprise, are they available?”
Steel Phoenix Studios 