the iliad: Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
the odyssey: Prodigal Asshole Returns
the aeneid: Man Who Thought He’d Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn’t Even Know He Still Had
the satyricon: I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I’ll Fuck My Way Out
medea: Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who’s Winning Reports
the bacchae: Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being
iphigenia at aulis: Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing
agamemnon: Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying
oedipus the king: True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
herodotus’s histories: Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks
the poetry of catullus: Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something
the ars amatoria: Man’s Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips
the speeches of cicero: Here Are All Of My Opinions
the epigrams of martial: Come On, Lighten Up, I’m Just Being A Total Asshole
lit his pipe with an ember from the fireplace because he thought it looked cool
feel free to add to this
built a pillow fort in a client’s house
told a guy he was giving him secret government documents and then gave him a book about bees instead
told watson stories about his past solely to avoid cleaning his room
oh i almost forgot
decorated his room with pictures of famous criminals
Ordered a picnic for a pair of newlyweds
Was offended that Watson doesn’t praise his skills as a housekeeper
Waived his fee if his clients are too poor to pay him
Made hot chocolate to wake Watson up on a cold morning
Danced around and bowed to imaginary friends
‘Flushed up with pleasure’ when being praised
Wouldn’t explain how he comes to conclusions because he was worried Watson would think he is ordinary
Grabs Watson’s hand when he’s frightened
Let another puppy lead him on adventures.
WHERE ARE YALL GETTING THIS/1!!1!!!????!?
Leaped over furniture like a gazelle.
•Shook hands with a baby :,}
noticed watson looking sad and touching his old war wound and tried to cheer him up with some deductions about his sparkling eyes
deliberately knocked over a table, shattering a glass fruit bowl which sent fruit rolling everywhere, then blamed it on watson and ran away
was not surprised when a dog died after its owner died, due to the “beautiful, faithful nature of dogs”
sent watson a telegram telling him to come over at once so he could tell him his most recent thoughts about dogs and the importance of their emotions to detective work
told Watson anecdotes about his favorite violinist for an hour while they had lunch together
made a little diagram out of breadcrumbs while explaining something to Watson
Shared a room with watson in a house that had 11 bedrooms
Makes his client wait while he changes into slippers
Has a realistic dummy made of himself and uses it to fool a client
in tibullus 1.8 (a poem about his boyfriend Marathus) has this line about “pugnantibus linguis” (literally battling tongues) which means that the idea of tongues battling for dominance in homoerotic fiction has been going on since at least the 1st century bce and i think that’s beautiful
somebody here pointed out that i did y’all a disservice, for which i apologize deeply. i did not point out to you that these battling tongues are also accompanied by umida oscula (wet kisses), which are given to the boyfriend as he anhelanti (pants), as well as in collo figere dente notas (making marks on his neck with teeth). so tibullus has been writing harlequin romance-level erotica since before the common era and that’s something i never thought i’d have to say in my life
hi i’m tolkien here are my ocs. i call them Elves (not elfs!!! if you call them elfs i will block you) they look like humans but they’re tall, live forever, and have pointy ears. that’s it bye
cs lewis: are you alright with constructive criticism? i dont want to sound mean
tolkien: no go ahead i want to hear it
cs lewis: they fucking suck
tolkien: thats not constructive criticism
cs lewis: here’s my OC, it’s jesus but he’s a lion tolkien: Furry cs lewis: blocked
Tolkien: lamp posts don’t exist in fantasy worlds Cs Lewis: ok you know what fuck you
CS Lewis: I could beta for you if you want. help you trim the fat on your stories
Tolkien: what do you mean
CS Lewis: I just. you describe a lot of trees. are trees that important
Tolkien: just you fucking wait. trees are SO important.
Me as a 14 year old: Man Lydia Bennet is an idiot.
Me as a full grown adult: Yeah okay Lydia Bennet is still an idiot but holy fuck she’s 15 years old. She wasn’t supposed to be out in society till she was 17 or 18. What the fuck were you thinking Mrs Bennet?
Me, at any age: Wyckham is an asshole. What grown adult man seduces a teenager?
Every time I recommend Discworld to someone, I get asked “where should I start?” There are several reading order guides floating around the internet, but they just give the order of each series, they don’t give you any information on which to base a choice of starter novel. For that, use this handy (and very biased, okay, I admit it) flow chart!
Hemingway: drabble challenge, 100 word challenge, yes the title is included in the word count, fight me, angst, sad, baby shoes
F Scott Fitzgerald: idk what I’m doing, lol party fic, I’m supposed to be working on something else right now, the real otp is despair
Virginia Wolfe: stream of consciousness, tw: depression and anxiety, tw: food mention, not sure what else to tag this as
Sylvia Plath: esther is not like other girls, depression, suicide, hurt/comfort, fuck the patriarchy
Edgar Allan Poe: detective au, everyone’s a suspect, darkfic, this was supposed to be satire, I’m not sure what happened,
Shakespeare: historical au, for Lizzy ❤ ❤ <3, either everybody lives or no on lives I haven’t decided yet, dick jokes, puns, stole this from Marlow not even sorry lmao
Jane Austen: hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, true love, dancing!, slow burn, don’t worry they all get there in the end (:
Jules Verne: long fic is long, technoporn, not in that way lol, genfic, unless you have your slash goggles on
Oscar Wilde: gay sin, major character death, suicide cw, only god can judge me, oh wait i’m an atheist,
Dostoevsky: moral degeneration, we all spiral towards despair, tw:epilepsy, tw:drinking, tw:mortal sins, tw:Europe mention, tw:suicide, tw:character death, crime fic, Jesus Christ returns!AU
Emily Bronte: landscape is a character, everyone is a jerk, tw:racism, tw:abuse, tw:loveless marriage, tw:major character deaths
Victor Hugo: period-typical racism, period-typical sexism, infrastructure, religious themes, poverty, nuns are fucking great ok, slice of life, linguistics, rambling, this latest chapter wasn’t supposed to be this gay, OR WAS IT, i just have a lot of feelings, (about poop), the land of a million tags, i do what i want, fuck you bugpipes is a word
This got so much better since the last time I saw it.
Charlotte Brontë: slow burn, fic of a fic, yes that’s yours hi Jane, hurt/comfort, child abuse cw, death cw, listen I just took this girl from jane’s fic and went ahead ok, just read it, btw helen is a cinnamon roll and must be protected
Arthur Conan Doyle: casefic, multiple ones actually lol, I have no idea what I’m doing, this got long, why can’t y’all let me rest I’m tired of this idiot??, Holmes/Watson if you squint, and I know you’re squinting Oscar, I could add so much cw stuff but nah, just don’t read it you’ll do us both a favour, tell me again why I didn’t let him stay dead
Steel Phoenix Studios 
