my garbage body: hot hot hot no cold no HOT bad bad, throw up??? no, hungry, NO remember that mistake you made at work. Internalize it. Never forget. Back hurt yes headache YES hot yes roll over r-RA RA RASPUTIN, RUSSIAās GREATEST LOVE MACHI-
how did my ancestors survive the brutal unforgiving wilderness when I get anxiety sweats from going to Target
to be fair im sure your ancestors would have the exact same reaction going to a Target
In the brutal unforgiving wilderness false positives cost nothing and false negatives are expensive. Youāre better off being afraid of something that canāt hurt you than not afraid of something that can hurt you.
In a world where we mostly arenāt in danger, day to day, as long as we donāt play in traffic or jump off something, thatās no longer quite as adaptive.
We got our anxiety from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who were scared enough to survive, and pass on those genes!Ā
It helps me sometimes to think about that at night, when I canāt sleep because my heart is pounding over something like āwhat if my usually reliable alarm clock doesnāt work in the morning for some reason and Iām late for work and lose my job and everyone hates me.ā Thereās nothing wrong with me, I just have a lot of extra, unused run-from-tigers juice that my grandparents left me.
āUnused run-from-tigers juice.ā
I love that.
Our brains have been running Hunter/Gatherer 1.0 for 60,000 years without a software upgrade.
When’s the patch due? I could really use less run-from-tigers and more grow-plants-successfully.
Hairdresser: Weāre going to have to use a color remover to take out the blue pigment, then apply more pigment to allow for the proteins in the hair to adhere to it. Then possibly mix three different types of toners to reach the goal of your natural hair color.
Hairdresser: pretty simple
Me: this is chemistry
Hairdresser: yeah, but people donāt like when we talk that way
Hairdresser: so youāre a mortician?
Me: apprentice
Hairdresser: do you know why formaldehyde is used in clothing?
Me: I didnāt know that was a thing
Hairdresser: I think itās due to the preserving qualities? But I donāt think thatās right.
Me: Itās not just a preservative, itās also a disinfectantĀ ācause it destroys bacteria as well as their food supply. Itās also a dehydrator.Ā
Hairdresser: why not just use alcohol?
Me: good question. Formaldehyde is super cheap, so probably to cut costs
Hairdresser: is it really a carcinogen?Ā
Me: yeah, Iām going to have so much cancer
Hairdresser: so youāre going natural to work at a funeral home?
Me: yeah
Hairdresser: while still in school?
Me: well we work in the funeral homes so we have uuuuh ā¦ experience with cases
Hairdresser: you can just say bodies itās fineĀ
Me: oh thank god
Five Minutes Later
Me: yeah so we donāt do autopsies itās one of my pet peeves
Hairdresser: what if someone wakes up while youāre embalming them?
Me: thereās a huge difference between a living body and a dead one
second hairdresser: I think we should add more toner, but yeah I think rigor mortis would make it pretty obvious
Me: that and being in a fridge for a few days you will be dead by the time you get to us
Hairdresser: I think pumping them full of a carcinogen would help with that
This is that weird abstract millennial humour that we all laugh at and older generations squint at shouting āI donāt understand the joke!! I think Iāve missed something!!ā
definitely click through to the āread moreā, i laughed so much!
Steel Phoenix Studios 