O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil’s kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are thou, that canst not slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou shalt not, thou son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck thy mother.
Thou Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig’s snout, mare’s arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!
So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won’t even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we’ll conclude, for we don’t know the date and don’t own a calendar; the moon’s in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day’s the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!
– Koshovyi otaman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host.”
Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks to Sultan Mehmed IV of the Ottoman Empire
In case anyone needed a dramatic reading of the above historical letter.
I’m dying!
Oh my god.
I’m now dying to know what happened next.
Period invective at its finest, even if it may not be quite as period as you think.
(NB – Peter Capaldi’s reading is probably NSFW without headphones.)
Here’s a link to much larger versions of the painting. Take a look at the full-size one: the facial expressions are a treat.
Also, check out Repin’s later, revised but uncompleted “sketch” version, which seems to have Vlad Dracula as a guest star just right of centre.
Listening to Capaldi’s reading you can really imagine this crowd of bros around a table yelling at the guy with the pen not to forget their favourite insult.
Book Frodo: linguistics nerd, hoards books, thinks he is very smart, acts chill but is actually stressed out 100% of the time, will infodump at you about elvish poetry
Film Frodo: Some kind of hipster, probably has anxiety, Elijah Wood’s Beautiful Blue Eyes, has bruises he doesn’t remember getting bcos he’s a clumsy fuck, too good for this sinful (middle) earth
Book Sam: cries when overwhelmed, writes poetry (but is too embarrassed to show it to anyone), Soft ™, drinks beer directly out of the tap, made of feelings and determination, basically a humanoid golden retriever
Film Sam: winner of world’s biggest Dad Friend award, smacks orcs w a frying pan, loves bacon, has accidentally punched self in face at least once,
(ง •̀_•́)ง
Book Merry: acts like a jaded elderly man even though he’s the hobbit equivalent of like 22, fantasises about being a Brave Knight so he can protect his friends, Brandybuck Pride!!, loves pipeweed to a near sexual degree
Film Merry: definitely a stoner, steals vegetables, says ‘fight me’ to people twice his size, Sarcasm is his primary weapon, can eat his own weight in ham
Book Pippin: baby bi, Smol, has 0 impulse control, calls everyone ‘fellow’, does not listen when people talk to him because he is thinking about sandwiches
Steel Phoenix Studios 
