My friend got married yesterday and we missed the wedding because of work but we made it to the reception. Because its mid-September and the reception was in a nature center (awesome!) there was a little bit of a fall theme. Not overbearingly, but the tables all had these tiny pumpkins.
So they’re cleaning up at the end of it and we’re still hanging out because we haven’t seen these people in forever and we can talk until three in the morning when we get together. All of a sudden, the Maid of Honor hands us a tiny pumpkin.
“Take one.”
“Um… okay?”
“Take another.”
“….?”
“It is my duty as Maid of Honor to make sure that the guests leave with an uncomfortable number of tiny pumpkins.”
So it turns out that she’d gotten a bunch of them for a Halloween party last year and after the party was over her mom threw them into the compost heap thinking that would be the end of it. But what she didn’t seem to realize was that if you put pumpkins in a compost heap- it grows more pumpkins. It grows pumpkins exponentially. Serious mathematical anomaly pumpkins.
So this year she has even more tiny pumpkins and she figured it would be a good idea to have them as decor for the reception. BUT- she would still have to throw them out at the end of the day and no matter where you throw them you are doomed to have a ridiculous amount of tiny pumpkins growing SOMEWHERE at your fault.
So everyone left with at least two tiny pumpkins and that’s how we made friends with the Maid of Honor.
So I forgot about it and then the next morning I woke up and found these two tiny pumpkins in my purse and had a puzzling moment of ‘what?’
We were invited to the Maid of Honor’s house the other day so we could:
take some of the flowers off her hands
help with some post-wedding stuff
watch the presidential debate
play Clue for like three hours
drink a lot of booze.
And there are just… tiny pumpkins EVERYWHERE.
They were in the bathroom.
At the end of the night, I counted 26 tiny pumpkins, and that was just what I could see.
It happened again.
Three pumpkins ended up in my purse this time.
One of them has a face.
I need to stop drinking with this woman.
this is getting out of hand.
Okay so I finally had a day off and decided that the best way to handle the pumpkin situation was to eat them and muffins sounded fucking fantastic. But I found out really fast that most recipes call for a ‘can’ of pureed pumpkin and I don’t have a scale to go by. So I figured that I had six pumpkins, it would probably amount to something like one can, right?
Well… no.
It ended up being something like two and a half cans-ish. And that’s a really rough estimate. Turns out there’s a lot more meat on those things than you think there’d be. So I figured I could do something like double it and then make a half batch.
But then I ran out of sugar. I mis-measured the baking soda. I only had whole cloves, so I had to grind them down and had to estimate how much I needed. I couldn’t find the liquid measure.
I’m mixing up this giant bowl of pumpkin batter goo thinking shit shit shit this is going to be a mess. There’s no way anyone is going to be able to eat these things. And there’s no muffin cups. But I already made it this far and I’m stubborn as hell so in the oven they go.
I… kind of… forgot about them? Woops!
Place starts smelling like Yankee Candle and I’m like SHIT. Get over to the oven and…
they’re…
….somehow perfect?
Maybe a little dry, but they’re fucking delicious. Fucking magic pumpkins. Truly I am a witch.
So the moral of the story is that if life gives you tiny pumpkins, make them into muffins and give them right back.
Also roast the seeds because hell yeah.
Happy Halloween, everyone!
We’ve found her in real life guys
An actul fictional character in real life
she even baked with them
This is not the only evidence posed to me that I might, in fact, be a fictional character.
Steve Rogers: Diligent. Politically, scientifically, anatomically, emotionally correct. Posts on time. Sticks to the schedule and their own well-mapped-out-and-classic-plot. Actually enjoys constructive criticism because it will help them improve but has been known to reply with, “Well, actually...” Always trying to help. Annoying but has good intentions.
Bucky Barnes: A writing machine in Winter Mission Mode when a plot idea takes over their minds. In between missions they are lost and shopping for plums in a Romanian farmer’s market. Has moments where they can’t remember how to write themselves out of writostasis. Easily triggered by words. Eternal Internal Screaming. Made a grave mistake letting Steve Rogers beta their stories. Might be a mess. Might need rehab.
Tony Stark: Intelligent and knows it. Clearly educated, knows synonyms and metaphors without needing to look them up. Writes elaborate, scientifically correct stories. Reads up on thermonuclear physics just for fun research. Has an explanation for literally everything. Has a literary device for every plot hole. Obnoxious but when you need to read something reliably good, they deliver. Exhausted by constantly trying to prove and improve themselves. Sometimes forgets how to human. Wants to give advice that nobody asked for. Hard to like until you get to know them. Is a little lonely maybe.
Peter Parker: New kid on the scene. Wants to be liked. Writes A LOT. Posts A LOT. Wants A LOT of comments. Uses a lot of =))))))))) in the writer notes. Latches onto senior writers and wants to be in a clique. Often shoot their loads prematurely. Frequently gets some very good plot ideas but currently lacking the perfect execution. Gets stuck in their own web of plot holes.
Loki: Professional shit-stirrer of the fandom. You’re never sure if they’re your friend or not. Spends more time being contrary than actually writing. Sometimes leaves stories with cliffhangers that never reach a conclusion. Deliberately writes NOTPs just for fun. Needs constant validation from an audience. Is actually quite talented if they bothered to focus their energy on writing and not bickering. Just wants to be liked (on the down low.)
Wanda Maximoff: Might be a hack. Might be a genius. Has tapped into The Power of Knowledge but doesn’t actually know how to harness it into a coherent story. Flashes of brilliance followed swiftly but flashes of despair and self-loathing. Powerful but poor discipline. Likely to destroy and delete their stories on a whim because some words don’t look right or their aim was slightly off that day. Notorious for abandoning ideas and leaving a trail of incomplete stories in their wake.
Thanos: Trigger Warning-Character Death. A total sadist. The writers you get a little worried about.
Peter Quill: Hilarious. Jokes every two sentences. Pop culture references and always puts soundtrack links in their author notes. A gift for natural dialogue and conversations. Doesn’t get taken seriously because of the lack of drama in their stories but secretly writing humour in order to deal with underlying traumas of their past. One day will write a heartbreaking story and play it off as a joke.
Wade Wilson: PWP Crack writers. R-rated. Anatomically graphic. Sometimes the realism is a touch too real. 50% hilarious. 50% makes-you-uncomfortable. Might have emotional range and depth but often chooses not to show it. Probably mentions pizza, beer and mexican food in their stories. A Good Bro but needs a Mute-Button and thesaurus sometimes.
Natasha Romanoff: Better than you and you both know it. Gives off an air of superiority. Super clique-y but they also keep themselves at a distance. Good at literally every genre and writing style. Leaves no plot holes behind, ever. All stories are clean headshots with neat conclusions. Their plot twists have plot twists. Either they’ve done extensive research or they’ve actually been an assassin. The type of author you’re intimidated by and too scared to talk to.
Thor: Never Say Die Writers. Hammers out story after story. Will write themselves to God Status, no matter what it takes. Will shed blood, sweat, tears, an eye, a sibling…to achieve their goals. Honourable and respects other writers. They’ve got hustle and you can’t help but like them.
T’Challa: Feels heavily burdened by the Fandom Crown after writing one of the most badass Iconic stories of the century. Fucks off to Wakanda so you never hear from them again. It would take a Fandom Apocalypse to get them to come back. Constructs sentences so advanced that it makes you want to retire from your own writing. Infuriatingly cool. Is benevolent but doesn’t need hits and comments for validation. Gets them anyway, without even trying.
Stephen Strange: A literal wizard at world building. Known for their elaborate plots and multi-tiered-multi-character-multi-chapter stories. Cradle-To-The-Grave-type writers. Doesn’t believe in One-Shots. One-Shots are for the weak. Way too indulgent with language and minute details. Probably knows Latin. Often competes with Tony Stark writers for title of “Most Obnoxiously Complex Story Ever”. Frequently exhausting. Takes writing a little too seriously. Annoying but worth it.
Bruce Banner: Dramatic. The definition of “well that escalated quickly”. Will start off writing an endearingly small and clever story but all hell breaks loose by chapter three. Suddenly there is a lot of shouting and misunderstandings and chapters that read like glorified keyboard smashes. Everyone suffers. You don’t know what happened. Nobody knows what happened. Not even the writer. PTSD.
Clint Barton: 90% Sarcasm. 10% Plot. The master of the One-Shot because that’s all they need. Doesn’t believe in time wasting, indulgent flowery language and poetic confessions. Writes to get it out of their system so they can go back to their actual real lives. Secretly eye-rolls at Stephen Strange writers but also awed by them. Doesn’t know what a beta is.
Groot: The Holy Grail Of All Writers. Straight up literature. Can condense an entire paragraph into three words. Will write devastation and break your heart within the first five lines. Understands language in a way that most mere mortals can’t hope to achieve in one lifetime. The writer you bookmark and remember. Fandom famous. Universally loved.
Tag yourself.
I’m Bucky/Peter P/Wanda/Clint but I want to be Thor.
Lol! I have to admit that I saw this last night and after reading them I did think that Steve Rogers fit pretty well. Thanks for the validation @likingthistoomuch 😜 😘
I am so Clint Barton/Wanda Maximoff. I’d like to be Thor but hey…*sips tea*
I asked my boyfriend in Canada once, how he deals with polar bears because I was curious about what to do and he was like, just be calm, let them know you’re there, and give them space and they’ll usually just go away.
I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired
jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him
So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:
John Mulaney – early 20th century
Eric Andre – Probably 17th century or so.
Taika Waititi – Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare
Keanu Reeves – We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.
Jeff Goldblum – 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.
Tommy Wiseau – Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.
Steel Phoenix Studios 