(Edited after additional information was obtained from zookeeping cousin)
(UPDATE March 2018)
I told this story to a few guildies a while back and decided to archive it in a longer format; so here is the story of The Great Flamingo Uprising of 2010 as told to me by my favorite cousin who was a keeper at the time.
In addition to the aviary/jungle exhibit, our zoo has several species of birds that pretty much have the run of the place. They started with a small flock of flamingos and some free-range peacocks that I’m almost certain came from my old piano teacher’s farm. She preferred them to chickens. At some point in time they also acquired a pair of white swans (“hellbirds”) and some ornamental asian duckies to decorate the pond next to the picnic area. Pigeons, crows, assorted ducks and a large number of opportunistic Canada geese moved in on their own.
Now; the ponds that dot the zoo property (I don’t remember how many there are but the one by the picnic area is the only one with swans) were also full of ginormous koi fish, some of whom by now are at least three feet long. Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the koi, the zoo put up little vending machines all over the place that dispense handfuls of food pellets. I swear to god the fish can hear the crank turning, and will show up at the nearest railing, blooping expectantly at whoever happens to be standing there and doing their best to appear starving and desperate.
Like this.^ And they weren’t the only ones who learned to associate the sound with the imminent arrival of food. The Canada geese knew a good deal when they saw one, and had long since ceased to migrate anyway. They formed roving gangs of thug-geese and staked out their turf around the vending machines, ready to mug anyone with pocket change. Picture yourself as a small child squaring off with a bird as big as you are fully prepared to strip search you while standing on your feet and yelling “HWAAAAAKK!!” in your face. It’s deeply traumatizing to you and incredibly hilarious to your parents.
Anyway.
The flamingos had their spot near the zoo entrance and never seemed to mind the presence of the other birds, as they kept themselves to themselves and didn’t really like the taste of fish pellets. The problem lay in that their shrimp pond was close to a vending machine. Ordinarily that wouldn’t have been an issue at all, but eventually the goose population grew large enough that one of the gangs decided to annex it. Being territorial little shits, they would harass the poor flamingos any time they strayed within ten feet of it. The flamingos tolerated this for years until one day they snapped collectively. Here’s a summary of the incident in chronological order.
1.) It was a hot day, so everyone in question both human and avian, were cranky by the time the zoo even opened. 2.) A few flamingos (let’s call them The Jets) strayed into the radius of the vending machine and were immediately confronted by the indignant hissing geese (The Sharks) 3.) Possibly due to heat and the simple fact that the geese had been giant douchebags for far too long, the flamingos decided fuck it, this time they were going to FIGHT BACK DAMMIT, and swarmed the geese en masse. 4.) Chaos ensued. The geese were outnumbered 4 to 1 but had the advantage of being able to scream for back-up. 5.) Hearing the shrieking Canada geese and the bellowing of the enraged flamingos, the peacocks came to the conclusion that the apocalypse had come upon them and began to gather in the surrounding trees in droves and wail in despair. Or cheer them on, whichever. 6.) NOISE 7.) Apparently one of the siege tactics employed by geese is to shit explosively all over everything. 8.) The geese, having secured reinforcements from all over the zoo, went berserk and proceeded to attack EVERYBODY who had come to watch be they human or otherwise. 9.) The flamingos were chasing/being chased by the geese through the crowd accompanied by cheers/wails from the peacocks in the box seats. 10.) Complete pandemonium when the zoo tram became stalled by the flamingo pond due to battling birds. The Jets, sensing these were somehow reinforcements on the side of the Sharks, charged the tram. Adults were doing the duck and cover. Small children were screaming, adding to the noise. People were slipping on goose shit and hitting the ground in the fetal position, only to be stampeded by the rampaging flamingos. 11.) The koi continued to bloop hopefully for food. 12.) Two of the geese were cornered by a rival gang of their own and were chased into the swan pond. Cue slow-motion. 13.) The swans detected an enemy presence in their territory and by god, SOMEBODY was going to PAY. 14.) The staff were having no luck in breaking up the fight and on the verge of giving up and just building another zoo elsewhere when the hellbirds stormed the battlefield, trumpeting battle-cries, to dispense feathered justice. The staff promptly dropped their brooms and fled. 15.) Birds scattered in all directions. Up, down, sideways. Some people not present in the park circle swear a couple of geese flat out teleported into the petting zoo. A few ducks vanished in the chaos, presumably eaten by the swans. 16.) Two of the zookeepers barricaded themselves in the snack bar and refused to come out. 17.) The uprising was squashed in less than two minutes. Number of casualties was unknown, feathers were flying everywhere and there was enough goose shit to build another bird. One staff member had been knocked to the ground and was left with a melon sized bruise courtesy of one of the hellbirds. Several children were traumatized, probably for life. The zoo eventually removed the vending machine by the flamingos.
The geese went back to being giant douchebags. Because geese*.
Addendum: Somehow, my aunt D got hold of this story and posted a link along with the comment: “This sounds exactly like our zoo!” Zookeeping cousin replied: “This was exactly our zoo.”
*I’m really not kidding. This is a photo, taken at our zoo, of a gorilla being chased by one of the thug geese.
Right, so I didn’t think I’d ever have anything to add to this, but here we go again. Under cut because length.
“You wouldn’t know”: If you ask to roll, say, history, and your DM responds with this, it usually means, “This is a vital plot point that you aren’t supposed to find out until later, so I won’t tell you regardless of what you roll”
“I mean, you could”: The DM is strongly suggesting you don’t do the thing you were just about to do. But it is your choice… if you reeeeeally want to.
“Oh, fuck”/“Oh, shit”/et cetera: “I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO MAKE THAT DECISION AND I DID NOT PREPARE AN OUTCOME”
“Oh, fuck”/“Oh, shit”/et cetera: “I JUST REALIZED I DID NOT BALANCE THIS COMBAT CORRECTLY”
“Hang on…”: “Where the FUCK did I put this in my notes?”
“Oh boy”/“Oh god”/“Oh no”/et cetera: I either just rolled REALLY well or REALLY badly. You’ll find out soon enough.
“It seems like…”/“As far as you can tell…”: What I’m about to say your character notices, is nowhere CLOSE to what’s actually going on.
“Make a [skill] check”/“Make a [skill] saving throw”: I’m having you make this roll, but I’m not going to tell you what it means until later, when you’re going to regret it.
A hard, firm, “No”: “Please for the love of GOD and ALL that is holy I am BEGGING you not to put me through whatever BULLSHIT you’re planning.”
Make a Vampire character who’s lived through several waves of the common language’s development and can’t let go if certain gramatical habbits from different time eras.
So like, thou ist a horrid creature, an absolute cur, but go off i guess
… can i use that phrase irl?
Absolutely you can and I encourage more uses of similar phrases that just completely fuck up the chronology of the english langauge. I wanna hear 15th century english mixed with surfer speak mixed with current age internet lingo like all the time.
Like this? Well my dude, seems like a weasel hath not such a deal of splean as you’re toss’d with. Chill already, you’re not valid.
You are an unrighteous, bastardly gullion. Heaven truly
knows that thou art false as hell. When you die, I will face God and walk
backwards into hell just so that I can beat your ass in the afterlife too.
I love the idea of a vampire who’s language travels back in time as they get pissed.
I grieve for thee in these trying times. Alexa play Despacito
chuck tingle, two time hugo award nominee and author of such erotica classics as ‘space raptor butt invasion’, ‘i’m gay for my living billionaire jet plane’, ‘bigfoot pirates haunt my balls’, and ‘there’s a bitcoin in my butt and he’s handsome’ just published a short story about the importance of consent and how it’s okay to have a loving relationship without sex if you want to???
that’s lovely on its own but it’s also called ‘not pounded in the butt by anything and that’s okay’, which is my favourite book title ever
1. Her first major novel (Northanger Abbey) was written solely because she was so salty about how dramatic and cliche and formula Gothic novels were. You know what I mean. Every castle is foreboding. Every villain is awful but can’t bring himself to kill the heroine because she’s Too Pure. Every middle-aged female companion wants to do the heroine in. The heroine is Pure and Perfect and Is Good At Everything Young Women Should Be and recites quotes and/or the Bible whenever she’s in danger and that makes everything better. All butlers are evil. Jane Austen wrote a book specifically to go “THIS is how NORMAL people react to things!!!”
2. “She never changed her opinion about books or men”
3. “As a girl she wrote stories, including burlesques of popular romances” and you know what that means. Jane Austen started off writing smut fanfiction. If that’s not writing reassurement that you can be great no matter what you choose to write, I don’t know what is.
(Both quotes from the Penguin Classics version of Northanger Abbey)
Apparently some evangelicals with a political agenda came to my boyfriend’s door as he was leaving for work and led their pitch with “are you frustrated with the fake news in this country? are you tired of the lies the media is spreading?”
And my boyfriend, who works for a major news organization, just slowly puts on his company jacket (with the logo clearly visible) and says “I am the media.”
Apparently they really didn’t expect their pitch to fail so spectacularly and couldn’t recover.
complete guide to writing a bestselling novel (or at least the title)
So maybe you’re stuck on that novel you’re writing, or maybe you haven’t even started it, but here’s a guide to making up a title that publishers (apparently, judging from bookshops) like. Also some tips on what your cover should be. (To be clear, I’m joking).
generic fiction bestseller:
The *insert weird occupation here* of *insert place name here*. Examples: The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris, The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley
The Life / Death of *insert something quirky or name here*.Examples: The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Díaz, Life of Pi by Yann Martel
The Girl with the *insert literally anything you want here*. Examples: The Girl with a Clock for a Heart by Peter Swanson, The Girl with Glass Feet by Ali Shaw, The Girl with the Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier, The Girl with Botticelli Eyes by Herbert Leiberman
COVER: out-of-focus photo of a woman in a 1950s blue dress with her face turned away + ‘a novel’ + ‘unbearably poignant… a truly unique achievement’ (The Guardian).
‘I’m here to win the Booker Prize’:
*Ambiguously significant yet extremely vague one-word title. No ‘The’*.Examples: Milkman by Anna Burns, Possession by A. S. Byatt, Atonement by Ian McEwan, Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks
The History of *insert something unexpected here*. Examples: A Brief History of Seven Killings by Marlon James, True History of the Kelly Gang by Peter Carey, History of Wolves by Emily Fridlund, A History of the World in 10½ Chapters by Julian Barnes
The *insert adjective here* Children OR The Children’s *insert noun here*. Examples: Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie, The Children’s Book by A. S. Byatt, The Children Act by Ian McEwan
COVER: out-of-focus extreme close-up of something that is no longer identifiable + title and author in most generic font available + ‘devastating’ (The Times).
historical fiction:
The *insert weird occupation here*. Examples: The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton, Painter to the King by Amy Sackville, The King’s Witch by Tracy Borman
The *insert weird occupation here*’s Daughter / Wife / Sister. Examples: The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, The Witchfinder’s Sister by Beth Underdown, The Kingmaker’s Daughter by Philippa Gregory
The *insert weird adjective or colour here* *insert royal or noble rank here*. Examples: The Half-Drowned King by Linnea Hartsuyker, The Strangled Queen by Maurice Druon, The Philosopher Prince by Paul Waters
COVER: close-up of painting vaguely from relevant era OR blurry photograph if novel is about post-1900 + one word of the title in fancy italicised font + ‘masterful storytelling’ (well-known author of other historical fiction).
3000-page first book of a bad fantasy series that will have ten more books:
The Shadow of the *insert somewhat abstract noun here*. Examples: Shadow of Night by Deborah Harkness, The Shadow of What Was Lost by James Islington, A Shadow of All Light by Fred Chappell
The *insert royal or noble rank here* of the *insert something magic-related here*. Examples: Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence, Lady of Magick by Sylvia Izzo Hunter, King of Ashes by Raymond E. Feist
The *insert weird occupation here*’s Apprentice. Examples: The Glasswrights’ Apprentice by Mindy Klasky, The Alchemist’s Apprentice by Dave Duncan, The Thief-Taker’s Apprentice by Stephen Deas
The *insert literally anything you want here* of the Assassin. Examples: Assassin’s Price by L. E. Modesitt, Jr., Blood of Assassins by R. J. Barker, Assassin’s Gambit by Amy Raby
COVER: photoshop-produced picture of tall figure in a swishy coat with a sword + everything is slightly the wrong colour, probably green + obnoxiously gothic font + melodramatic blurb.
crime/thriller/detective novel:
*Bad pun using the word ‘dead’ or ‘death’*. Examples: Dead Ringers by Christopher Golden, The Dead Beat by Doug Johnstone, Dead If I Don’t by Urban Waite, Dead Scared by S. J. Bolton, A Little Death by A. J. Cross
The Midnight *insert anything you want here*. Examples: The Midnight Line by Lee Child, Midnight Rambler by James Swain, The Midnight House by Alex Berenson, Midnight Guardians by Jonathon King
*One-word title that has been used by at least fifty thousand authors before and will guarantee that no one will ever be able to tell your book apart from other generic thrillers*. Examples: Ambush by James Patterson, The Reckoning by John Grisham, Crisis by Felix Francis, Exposure by Aga Leseiwicz
COVER: picture of a woman alone in a train station in high contrast lighting with neon lights flashing in the background + title in huge letters + ‘my heart literally stopped while reading this book and I’m writing this from the hospital’ (slightly better-known author of thrillers).
romance novel:
To Seduce a OR Seduced by a *insert noble or royal rank here*. Examples: Seduced by the Sultan by Sharon Kendrick, Royally Seduced by Marie Donovan, When Seducing a Duke by Katheryn Smith
The *insert any 18th-century male occupation here* of the Highlands. Examples: Hero in the Highlands by Suzanne Enoch, The Highland Duke by Amy Jarecki, Seduced by her Highland Warrior by Michelle Willingham
The Rake’s *insert role occupied by female or just basically anything you want here*. Examples: A Pregnant Courtesan for the Rake by Diane Gaston, A Rake’s Midnight Kiss by Anna Campbell, A Rake’s Guide to Seduction by Caroline Linden
COVER: man with a six-pack and inflated pectoral muscles and a woman in red dress with a slit all up her leg in an anatomically impossible embrace next to a castle + embossed title in a tacky font + either red or light blue colour scheme.
Excellent, excellent advice here! I wonder if the daughter/wife/sister (titles that immediately make me grind my teeth) work as well for son/husband/brother, as in: “The Cafeteria-Cook’s Son”, “The Night Nurse’s Husband”, “The Beautician’s Brother”? Also, you can’t go wrong with anything with “Paris” in it. For my autobiography it will be probably “My Wild Nights in Paris” – cover with the out of focus Tour Eiffel at night, black/neon orange colours, or “Parisian Memoirs” – cover: out of focus girl in striped t-shirt, out of focus bridge on the Seine in the background. Who cares that I spent less than 6 months in Paris once upon a time. Paris sells.
Steel Phoenix Studios 