Since it’s relevant right now:
This is one of the best articles regarding gaslighting that I’ve EVER read for how informative it is, with examples that make sense. Ten Things I Wish I’d Known About Gaslighting
And Six Ways Emotional Abusers Gaslight People into Not Leaving Relationships (Any sort of relationships, not just romantic ones)
And Are You Being Manipulated (Gaslit) at your Job?
Educate yourself. Know how to recognize emotional abuse and manipulation. There are dickbags out there who are really good at this shit.
I’ve been victimized by emotional abuse diretly paired with gaslighting three times in the past by people I trusted: an (ex)mother, a romantic relationship, a friendship.
I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THAT SHIT EVER AGAIN.
Every time you try to extend your gaslighty little hand, I will slap it away and then I will turn away. You will get nothing from me. Ever.
Tag: mental health
being forced to be constantly accessible damages your boundaries and ability to make boundaries. I don’t care what anyone says about “it’s 2017 and you should be able to text back unless you’re in the hospital or the movies”. no one is entitled to anyone 24/7. it’s fucking unhealthy at best and manipulative and abusive at worst to expect this of someone.
give people their space. make sure your people give you your space.
Hi, I have crippling anxiety, and I assume when people don’t text me back that they actually hate me.
So yeah, quick responses are nice. Especially if it’s a friend who I KNOW is attached to their phone at the hip.
Hi, I’m sorry to hear this, but this still doesn’t make you entitled to anybody’s time!
While quick responses are nice, they should never be expected! Because even people who have their phones at their hips all the time have other things to do!
@theoriginalmajestic hey, pal, as someone who is in successful recovery from “crippling anxiety” might I suggest that instead of expecting your friends to cater to your every need and exist purely to provide stimulation and constant reassurance to you, that you instead focus your efforts on healing from anxiety yourself so that you can resort to self-soothing techniques and crisis management strategies when anxious instead of flipping your fucking shit because your friend took a nap and isn’t here to validate your (by definition) inherently irrational behaviors and (unconsciously, I’m sure) manipulative tendencies? Cool, thanks, good luck buddy, I’m rooting for you.
you’re gonna have to be more specific than that mate
Certainly!
Considering no one can truly be available 24/7, if you rely on your friends’ responses to manage your feelings of anxiety, you are both validating and perpetuating your irrational thoughts (“if my friends didn’t hate me, they’d respond immediately”) and also setting yourself up for inevitable failure and future emotional crisis (because eventually there will be a time they do not respond immediately). This also doesn’t help you grow and progress to a healthier place along the path to recovery, because at best you’re just maintaining the status quo by temporarily relieving symptoms, not learning or practicing techniques to handle those symptoms before they take over your entire mood.
There are of course several more productive ways to deal with anxiety instead of expecting your friends to constantly prove they don’t hate you. I’d always recommend a good therapist as the best idea (and have written at length before about how to find a great one) but barring that option, anxiety is a disorder particularly well-suited to self management.
Most major chain bookstores have a psychology section; I’d think books on cognitive behavioral therapy/CBT would be a great place to start, because CBT is all about identifying the negative thoughts in your mind (“if my friends don’t respond immediately they hate me”) and replacing them with more accurate, healthier statements (“just because my friends have their own lives, it doesn’t mean I’m not important to them”). Alternatively, everyone here probably knows I’m a huge fan of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy/DBT. It was created for (and by!) Borderline people, but seeing as how it’s essentially an upgraded form of CBT plus some other bells and whistles (self-management of suicidal thoughts, that sort of thing) it should work well too. And I know Barnes & Nobles stocks CBT and DBT workbooks specifically modified to be used by people with Anxiety.
Visiting the bookstore is also a good time to pick up some books about Anxiety Disorder. Obviously you know you have it, but understanding what sets it off, what it looks like, and how it works will be really useful for the next bit, and if nothing else is VERY important for any sort of self-advocacy on your own behalf toward doctors, teachers, employers, or parents.
But my FAVORITE trick? My go to technique I always seem to resort to in the moment to handle symptoms of any of my disorders but especially my anxiety? I psychoanalyze myself out of them.
I have researched anxiety as a disorder very thoroughly. I’m fortunate enough to have access to a good therapist (which, I won’t deny, helps a lot) with whom I’ve discussed what anxiety looks like. I’ve put a lot of work into identifying what MY anxiety looks like (for instance, I tend to worst-case-scenario and it sounds like you do too: “I don’t want to call my boss, what if there’s an issue I don’t know about, and by calling him I remind him, and he fires me, and I lose all my money and wind up homeless, and–”) and just as importantly, what the WARNING SIGNS of my anxiety looks like. Through experience and hard work I know exactly when I’m starting to pull my thoughts from the anxiety part of my brain, not the part that lives in the real world.
And I take a step back, and I go somewhere private, and I talk through the false logic to point out the flaw. Often, in front of the bathroom mirror; looking myself in the eye seems to distract me out of obsessive hysteria.
For example (note again, UNDERSTANDING ANXIETY DISORDER HELPS HERE):
“I texted Janet that I was upset, and she didn’t text me back, and it’s been like an hour, and I know she was using the phone earlier, she must be ignoring me!”
“Ok, so what specifically am I feeling right now, and why?” (I always start with this)
“Well, I’m upset! I thought we were friends and friends are supposed to care! So, I guess I’m mad at Janet too! But like, idk at the same time I’m mad at myself for being like this! No wonder she hates me!”
“Okay so I’m in a rough place and I reached out and she didn’t answer right away, and I’m feeling rejected, and I’m also frustrated with myself because I’m feeling hurt over it. Has Janet TOLD me she hates me?”
“Well, no, but maybe she doesn’t care enough, or she thinks I’m needy!”
“That doesn’t make sense, I know Janet well, we had a great time yesterday, and she’s a nice person. She’d tell me if I was doing something that annoyed her. Could there be other reasons she didn’t respond?”
“I mean…I guess…her phone could have died…or she forgot to unmute it….or maybe she was driving, or she saw it and meant to respond and got distracted….”
“Okay, so which is more likely: that my friend of 5 years secretly hates me and has been hiding it all this time even though that would be a really mean thing to do and she’s not mean? Or literally any one of those things, say, her battery died because she uses her phone so much?”
“I guess…the battery thing…”
“So it’s way more likely than not that she DOESN’T hate me. Now, I know a few facts. I know I have anxiety. I know that anxiety’s symptoms include going into panic mode over minor setbacks, and also having trouble understanding social relationships and feeling insecure in them. And I know when *I* get anxious I start secondguessing all my friendships and getting really selfcritical and thinking nobody likes me. Doesn’t that sound a lot like this? So really, if you think about it, thinking their friends hate them is exactly the sort of textbook symptom you’d expect to see in someone who has an anxiety disorder, right? And the whole thing about anxiety is it’s my brain misinterpreting things and jumping to irrational conclusions because anxiety likes to think everything is a catastrophe. So if this is almost definitely my brain being anxious, then it’s not based on my actual real relationship, and Janet doesn’t really hate me.”
Usually by then I’ve either A, convinced myself what I’m freaking out about is irrational, or B, so thoroughly distracted myself by my self-dialogue that the overemotional moment has passed and I can think more clearly. And at this point, it’s become so habitual and easy to recognize my anxiety through practice that it usually winds up being “ooh, Janet didn’t respond, she must hate–shut the fuck up anxiety no one likes you.”
What I find really helps wrap it up is by thinking of one productive step I can take to deal with the situation. Sometimes that’s making an immediate plan, like “I’m going to wash my face, pour an iced tea, and go watch that show I wanted to see.” Sometimes that’s “ok so tomorrow when I see Janet I’ll just tell her that I tend to really secondguess myself sometimes, and if I ever do something to genuinely piss her off, could she make sure to tell me? That way if I get like this in the future I can trust that Janet isn’t mad at me, because if she was, she’d have said so.”
I’ve been doing this for years and my anxiety, while still present, isn’t medicated and hasn’t severely fucked me up in ages, because I understand what it looks like and I make a conscious effort to strip it of its power over me. I promise you, that’s a way more productive use of time and emotion, and you’ll get way more benefit out of it than you’ll get out of checking your phone 18 times an hour in panic because nobody’s answered you yet. And as a bonus, it’s not forcing your friends to play caregiver to your negative symptoms, which is unfair to them.
Specific enough, mate?
As a psychologist, this last post makes me choke up with joy. Yes. CBT. It works. It’s so rare that I get to see someone successfully utilizing it – because once they do they leave me. *tears up*
@thursday-next-thursday I was pulling from my experience with DBT, actually, but of course one derives from the other!
I encourage anyone with anxiety to also read through the entirety of this post. 💙
depressed kids in the media: I don’t wanna go to therapy! I don’t need help! I’m not some specimen for you to dissect!
me, rollin up to my therapist’s office and collapsing in relief: what is UP my homeboy I fuckin missed you,, hope ur ready to hear some Bull Shit that fuckin happened to me this week
families of depressed kids in media: okay sweetie we’ve researched depression for ten hours straight and signed you up for therapy and re-arranged your school schedule to be less stressful
actual parents of depressed kids: look i get you’re sad but someones gotta do the goddamn dishes stop being lazy get up. why didn’t you go to school today, what’s wrong with you, you’re such a burden on this family.
Therapists in the media: *understanding head tilt*
My real live therapist whom I adore: Natalie, that is the DUMBEST thing I’ve ever heard.
Therapists in Media: Lets do some art therapy and be really quiet while we talk about your feelings :)))))) also I’m prescribing you 500 different medicines
My therapist Brian who I love to death: Jack, I think your first problem is you stay up too late looking at memes, so let’s try taking a nap
My real life therapist: Okay, before we start, I found this hilarious video I know you’d love.
Therapist in media: serious face the whole time
My therapist: *laughs awkwardly*
therapists in media: refined, cultured, poised, “I’m afraid I haven’t [heard of the nerdy thing their patient just referenced]”
my old therapist derek, from across the reception area, seeing me for the first time after the summer of 2015: HEY DID YOU SEE AGE OF ULTRON?? IT SUCKED, RIGHT???
my current therapist ian, in our very first appointment: do you like star wars? anxiety is like the force, it can consume you, or you can learn to keep it in balance… you’re my padawan now
Actual things my therapist has told me:
“You’re bassicly a glorified sad lizard.” (It makes sense with context)
“Damn girl you need to get your shit together.”
“Go home and cry. Stop drinking in bathtubs. Eat something that isn’t bleach or memes.”
I’ll add more tomorrow after I see her again.
“Imagine having a child that refuses to hug you or even look you in the eyes”
Imagine being shamed, as a child, for not showing affection in a way that is unnatural or even painful for you. Imagine being forced, as a child, to show affection in a way that is unnatural or even painful for you. Imagine being told, as a child, that your ways of expressing affection weren’t good enough. Imagine being taught, as a child, to associate physical affection with pain and coercion.
As a preschool special ed para, this is very important to me. All my kids have their own ways of showing affection that are just as meaningful to them as a hug or eye contact is to you or me.
One gently squeezes my hand between both of his palms as he says “squish.” I reciprocate. When he looks like he’s feeling sad or lost, I ask if I can squish him, and he will show me where I can squish him. Sometimes it’s almost like a hug, but most of the time, it’s just a hand or an arm I press between my palms. Then he squishes my hand in return, says “squish,” and moves on. He will come ask for squishes now, when he recognizes that he needs them.
Another boy smiles and sticks his chin out at me, and if he’s really excited, he’ll lean his whole body toward me. The first time he finally won a game at circle time, he got so excited he even ran over and bumped chins with me. He now does it when he sees me outside of school too. I stick out my chin to acknowledge him, and he grins and runs over and I lean down for a chin bump.
Yet another child swings my hand really fast. At a time when another child would be seeking a hug, she stands beside me and holds my hand, and swings it back and forth, with a smile if I’m lucky. The look on her face when I initiate the hand swinging is priceless.
Another one bumps his hip against mine when he walks by in the hallway or on the playground, or when he gets up after I’m done working with him. No eye contact, no words, but he goes out of his way to “crash” into me, and I tell him that it’s good to see him. He now loves to crash into me when I’m least expecting it. He doesn’t want anything, really. Just a bump to say “Hi, I appreciate you’re here.” And when he’s upset and we have to take a break, I’ll bump him, ask if he needs to take a walk, and we just go wander for a bit and discuss whatever’s wrong, and he’s practically glued to my side. Then one more bump before we go back into the room to face the problem.
Moral of the story is, alternative affection is just as valid and vitally important as traditional affection. Reciprocating alternative affection is just as valid and vitally important as returning a hug. That is how you build connections with these children.
This is so goddamn important.
I verbally express affection. A LOT.
My husband… doesn’t. I don’t know why. For the longest time part of me wondered if it meant he loved me less.
At some point I told him about a thing I had done as a kid. Holding hands, three squeezes means ‘I Love You’.
Suddenly he’s telling me I Love You all the time.
Holding my hand, obviously, but also randomly.
taptaptap
on my hand, my shoulder, my butt, my knee, whatever body part is closest to him, with whatever part of him is closest to me
All the time.
More often than I ever verbally said it.
It’s an ingrained signal now, I can tap three times on whatever part of him, and get three taps back in his sleep. Apparently I do the same.
It’s made a huge difference for us.
People say things differently.
Neil Gaiman on impostor syndrome.
End The Stigma
okay, so this is going to be a serious post and could be triggering.
Today is January 31st and its Bell Let’s Talk Day. This day means a lot to me even though I was never diagnosed with anything during my life. Mental Health should not be seen as glamorous and should not be romanticized at all. Mental Health is a very serious issue with people around the globe nowadays. Nobody should be put down because of the stigma behind it. As Bring Hockey Back says, “Puck Stigma.”
When I got into hockey I was in a very dark spot in my life. 1,043 days ago I held a blade against my skin for the last time. That tracks back to March 25th 2015, when I went to my first Chicago Blackhawks game at the Wells Fargo Center. This was not my first NHL game. (That was in January. Flyers vs Capitals) People always wonder why I love the sport so much and they assume it is only because of the guys because I can not give them the real answer. So I get looked at like one of those girls who only like the sports for the hot guys or to get guys. This hurts me so much because that is not the truth.
It means a lot to me that loads of hockey players share this tag to help end the stigma. It makes me so happy because they helped save me. I have no clue where I would be without the sport and I owe my life to it.
Now as of today, hockey is still influencing me for the better. My thoughts are much happier and I’m gaining so many true friends because of the sport. I’ve made internet friends that actually care about me. I’ve had the best luck that I could meeting one of my closest internet friends Autumn and it’s so good to have someone that understand how much the sport means to you. Whether it’s been several years or just yesterday that I start talking to a new friend, it makes me so happy that I can spread the happiness of the sport.
Sorry to go all serious on you guys, but most people wonder why I got into the sport and this shows it. Please remember that you can message me and talk to me. I’m always here for you guys because everyone single one of you is important.
“Keep your gloves on kid, you don’t have to fight anymore”
Hockey’s Angels:
Wade Belak, Rick Rypien, Derek Boogaard, Daron Richardson, and Clint Reif
❤️
Oh shit. No.
Shit.
Thank youJust gonna reblog this out of gratitude because I actually did forget…
Fffffffff let me get right on that.
and then reblog for the next forgetful son of a bitch
I’m so great full for everyone that is reblogging this. I totally forgot to take mine
I think that there is some sort of unspoken fairy godparent thing where you see this, realize that you forgot your meds, and rebagel it because if you forgot someone else must have. And in our turn we all take care of each other, even if we don’t know it.
a good thing to do for your friends with anxiety disorders: if you have a question you need to ask them or something you need to tell them, explain the subject of the question/the statement in the same message as your opening one!
so basically: instead of saying “can i ask you a question?” and sending just that (which, as a person with an anxiety disorder, makes my anxiety go into hyperdrive) go “can i ask you a question about ___?”
it’s a little thing but honestly few things make me anxious like “i have a question for you” or “there’s something i need to tell you” without immediate explanation. thanks!
“call me, nothing is wrong, just wanna talk on the phone” would be so much better than “Call me.”
Actually please to all of this please.
YES PLEASE.
YES THIS OK????? Like I have trained my husband to say “nothing bad, I just need to call you because it’s too much to type.” It helps SO MUCH. Just let me prepare myself, because I guarantee my imagination will take me to much much darker places.
Might I add, if someone with anxiety has just said something to you that’s a lot to process, and you need some time to think about what to say in response, please consider a quick “I’m not ignoring you, I need to think about what to say and I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”
Because that definitely saves your friend with anxiety a lot of strife and assuming they’ve ruined your friendship forever. Nothing is crueler than a “Seen 2:25pm” when it’s 10am the next day and you’re waiting on a reply to a huge confession.
Normally I don’t acknowledge my anxiety very much but to any of my friends this would genuinely be helpful. Thanks
Bonus: even if you don’t struggle with anxiety, this can really help cut down on miscommunication caused by text-monotone! My roommate and I use these a lot to keep from accidentally getting into arguments.
Question for those of you who do the “lay-on-your-bed-and-imagine” thing: do you usually imagine yourself as a character, an OC, or yourself in a different situation?
I’ll start – I usually imagine some vague OC specifically created to fit some hyper-specific whump situation. I’ll often get hooked on one situation for a week or two.
Good question! I like to “write” a story in my head usually involving my current fav getting captured and needing to be rescued. Or he’s stuck in a perilous situation for awhile. (I say stuck because I usually fall asleep before he’s rescued and just add more whump to the situation the next night.) xD
Sometimes its fandom-related and I’m usually an OC. Sometimes it’s fandomless and entirely original content—like whump scenarios for my own characters.
I do this as I lay to sleep. I imagine myself as an OC (my face claim is Ashley Benson). I used to use the name Jessica for fake me, but now I use either my name or my nickname or no name at all. I imagine myself caring for whoever happens to be my favorite character at the moment. They’re usually heavily bruised and wounded and I either take care of them (bandage them up etc.), lay in bed with them with their head resting on my chest, or sit next to them and caress their cheek or hold their hand. And I always converse with them and ask them if they’re alright, if they need anything etc. And since I love bruises, their faces are always bruised. I like imagining gently kissing their bruised cheek.
Oh, and I also tend to write the situations I imagine into my fanfics (I write character x reader fics). Usually, after I write it down, I move on the a different fantasy.
Oh I do me. It’s all me, sometimes different versions of me, like AUs, but yeah, they’re all me.
Omg. Other people do this?
I know right
When I found out other people did the same thing I was so happy
I’ve never talked with anyone about this before. I’m shocked. Like, literally, shocked.
Me neither. I never told anyone. And then one day I saw a tumblr post (not this one) about this and I was in shock – happy shock, but shock. I haven’t “told” anyone else, like, people outside of tumblr, and I never would’ve said anyhing about it here, but it’s nice that someone had the courage to say it and make me feel less out of place in the world
The only reason I felt comfortable bringing this up is because I saw the same post you saw. I’m glad someone brought it up that once, so I knew it wasn’t just me.
When I was in middle school I used to pretend to be the whumpee and my crush was the one comforting me. The situations were always uber-specific, usually related to a battle injury of some kind? I still do similar things, though I’ve moved onto other people I know and who are important to me “comforting” me. Tbh, I’ve always been more into the hurt/comfort aspect of whump rather than the injury. I attribute it to the emotional distance received as a child from the rest of my family and friends. 😂😂
I literally can’t sleep unless I do this and I’ve been doing it since elementary/early middle school. I almost always “play” a whumped canon character. Who it is varies based on what media I’m consuming (right now its either MacGyver or Chandler from The Last Ship) and the specific whump tends to vary week to week depending on whatever scenario I have cooking.
Holy, jeepers. I have finally found my people.
Welcome to the club, friend!
I imagine an OC getting whumped, usually. On the rare occasions that I have a character from an actual show being whumped, it’s usually right after watching that person get whumped in a similar way. I’m usually the perpetrator of the whump, occasionally a support person, basically never the whumpee.
When I was a young teen, I did this a lot. I imagined I was one of the support staff for various canons – mechanics or medics for Star Wars/Star Trek, healers for various fantasy settings, trainers/coaching staff for sports teams, etc. It got quite detailed and there’s a bunch of never-published (terrible) OC and self-insert fic lurking somewhere on one of my drives. I kind of thought everyone did it?
Steel Phoenix Studios 