Imperial Department for Epidemic Preventionseems fairly self-explanatory. But I challenge anyone with even a passing familiarity with human history to imagine the kinds of things they did “for the public’s protection”…
Imperial Department of Military Researchhandled “research and development of military technology such as equipment, small arms, facility components, and armed starships.”
Imperial Department of Redesign was a particularly horrifying “elite, highly secretive corps of the Galactic Empire, tasked with subduing or liquidating troublesome non-Human species.”
Imperial Procurementwas an “organizational branch” of the Empire responsible for finding and collecting resources… I’m pretty sure nobody needs to be told that they didn’t feel obligated to abide by Fair Trade standards or concern themselves much with the impact on those doing the producing.
Department of Punishmenttortured captured criminals. Fun fact: it had a habit of forcing prisoners to sign contracts giving their captors permission to torture them to death.
Imperial Xenodetic Survey Department. Mapmakers! (And map alterers!) This is probably only going to appeal to geeks like me, but given the information control and strategic erasure of knowledge the Empire is known for, I feel like there’s potentially a lot one could play with here! It is, at very least, a fun tidbit to throw into character conversations whenever navigation comes up.
Epidemic Prevention loathes Redesign because the sticky-handed bastards keep borrowing biohazards to use for their own purposes and that is eventually going to go terribly wrong.
People still think of Lando as “The Guy Who Betrayed The Trio” and that’s some grade A bull.
I mean what would you do if you had people to protect and Darth Vader, Scariest Dude in the Galaxy, comes marching up to your door with a whole battalion of soldiers? Like? How much choice do you think he actually had here? Not much because Vader literally changes the rules on him every scene they’re together so the deal goes from “Trap the smuggler and his friends” to “Han’s being tortured and frozen in carbonite and taken away and the others that were supposed to be left untouched are also being taken capture indefinitely right now” and Lando has all of no control over any of it.
And then the second he realizes what’s happened he risks everything to help Chewie and Leia out. Leaves his cozy home to help them. Joins the Rebellion? Frees Han? Blows up the second Death Star?
But sure he’s just that sleaze ball who betrayed the gang. Sure.
I do not trust people who rag on Lando.
Seriously? Did they just sleep through Return of the Jedi?
Also, “They showed up here just before you did” gives us context to when Han arrives unannounced, and Lando tries to get Han to lose his cool and book out?
“ Why you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler. “
Lando opens with giving Han an excuse to say “Same to you Bantha herder, Chewie, we’re out”. Lando insults a smuggler known for his pride, hoping to get a rise and a reaction and risks his life to try to insult Han off the trap
“ You got a lot of guts coming here, after what you pulled!”
Also, assume that Lando’s just been ambushed by the Empire, and told that Han Solo is headed here, and that it’s the same Han Solo who just ran a blockade on Hoth, and Hoth is within non-hyperdrive flight range of Bespin.
Lando literally opens with a coded “You ran an Imperial Blockade and now you’re flying in openly at the nearest system?”
If the Han Solo of ANH and, as recently as Hoth base (Who’s scruffy looking?), had been as a hot headed as Lando expected, he would have walked back up the ramp and flown off in a huff. Lando tries to salvage the situation from before we even know there’s a problem
Lando was administrator and responsible for tens of thousands of lives. From the radio play “You should have looked around more, Han. You’d have recognized a lot of faces. A lot of people here are at the end of their ropes. This is their last chance for any kind of life.”
Yup. Lando’s actions are “Try to get Cloud City out this, try to get his friends out of this, try to get out of this himself, got out? EVACUATE THE CITY. Then save friends and self”
He could have flown off quietly, Lobot could have been instructed to prepare the escape vehicle. No, Lando gives the evac signal by announcing it’s him, and announcing the Empire has control of the city. Yeah, way to paint a target on your back there. No “Hit the fire alarm” button and run, no sneak off in the night.
Lando Calrissian was trying to save the most people possible without being willing to simply sacrifice his friends for the most efficient gain
Lando Calrissian is one of the most ethical characters in the original trilogy. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, but he also turned on Vader/helped Leia and Chewie as soon as he could do so. We last see him in Empire setting off to help track down where Boba Fett took Han.
We see him next in Return of the Jedi, saving Han. And then volunteering for a possibly suicidal mission. Lando’s proven himself a hundred times over.
I do love the idea that in a hundred years, scholars will be citing stuff on ao3 as the “early works” of the next generation of canon authors.
“Her fascination with themes of isolation and identity can first be spotted in Tits and Cap, an erotic fanfiction written at age 19.”
“In this “coffee shop alternative universe” – a reinterpretation of an existing work wherein the characters work at a coffee shop – her characters work at an independently-owned shop at odds with the chain coffee shop that is built across the street. Her attention to the capitalist-driven labor struggles of the characters within the love story show early an early attention to the major anti-capitalist themes of her seminal work.”
I feel like we as a society don’t talk enough about the fact that Faramir and Boromir could see the future, and that Faramir might have been a fucking psychic??
No listen now I’m finding page references because I honestly can’t believe I didn’t find this weirder the first million times I read these books
So we all know that the reason Boromir goes to see Elrond in the first place is because Faramir has been having these dreams about “seeking the sword that was broken” in Imladris and that Isildur‘s bane is there and such. Presumably after Denethor ignores him for long enough, whoever is sending out these prophetic dreams gets fed up and sends one to Boromir so Denethor will actually finally listen and take action (my complex feelings about Denethor are for another post lmao)
So there’s some solid evidence that Faramir, and at least to some extent Boromir can fucking. SEE THE FUTURE. And that little fact just doesn’t really get brought up again AT ALL in Fellowship of the Ring? (JRR Tolkien I love you but why were we deprived of the random travel conversations the fellowship must have had while traveling all over middle earth together)
Later on, Faramir describes seeing Boromir’s body in the boat he was sent down the Anduin in, and he knows way ahead of time that Boromir was dead – another instance of somehow knowing about things that happened hundreds of miles away when there is ABSOLUTELY no way he should have.
BUT THEN things get a lot weirder in The Two Towers when Faramir captures Frodo and Sam and Gollum. Faramir is interrogating Gollum about whether he had ever been to Henneth Annun before, and this is what happens:
Slowly Gollum raised his eyes and looked unwillingly into Faramir’s. All light went out of them, and they stared bleak and pale for a moment into the clear unwavering eyes of the man of Gondor. There was a still silence. Then Gollum dropped his head and shrank down, until he was squatting on the floor, shivering. “We doesn’t know and we doesn’t want to know,” he whimpered. “Never came here; never come again.”
“There are locked doors and closed windows in your mind, and dark rooms behind them,” said Faramir. “But in this I judge that you speak the truth.”
– The Two Towers, pg 689
That’s kind of a really weird thing to say. Maybe Faramir is being poetic and not literal when he says he can see into Gollum’s mind, but the elaborate description of their eye contact almost makes it seem like there’s something else going on here. Plus, somehow the eye contact alone is enough for Faramir to judge definitively that Gollum is telling the truth. This brings up something Gandalf says to Pippin about Denethor:
“[Denethor] is not as other men of this time, Pippin, and whatever be his descent from father to son, by some chance the blood of Westernesse runs nearly true in him; as it does in his other son, Faramir, and yet did not in Boromir whom he loved best. He has long sight. He can perceive, if he bends his will thither, much of what is passing in the minds of men, even of those that dwell far off. It is difficult to deceive him, and dangerous to try.“
– The Return of the King, pg 759
Like father, like son, it seems. I bet Denethor just loved that.
Again, maybe Gandalf is just speaking figuratively and is saying that Denethor is just really insightful. But it’s kind of weird to interpret it like that that in light of Gandalf putting that right next to a statement about Denethor’s bloodline that makes him and Faramir “different” somehow. Is Gandalf saying that they both can literally perceive “what is passing in the minds of men”??
BACK TO ITHILIEN (sorry this is more of a ramble than a well structured essay)
Faramir is asking Gollum if he knows what Cirith Ungol really is:
“It is called Cirith Ungol.” Gollum hissed sharply and began muttering to himself. “Is not that its name?” said Faramir turning to him.
“No!” said Gollum, and then he squealed, as if something had stabbed him. “Yes, yes, we heard the name once.”
– The Two Towers, pg 691
“As if something had stabbed him”?? There’s really no indication of what this “stabbing” could be in this context. It’s not Smeagol trying to keep Gollum from spilling the beans, because Gollum is the one who wants to keep the hobbits in the dark about Shelob. So who/what is stabbing his fucking mind?
Faramir sends Gollum away with Anborn and is talking to Frodo about Gollum.
“I do not think you should go with this creature. It is wicked.”
“No, not altogether wicked,” said Frodo.
“Not wholly, perhaps,” said Faramir; “but malice eats it like a canker, and the evil is growing. He will lead you to no good.”
– The Two Towers, 691
Gollum leading Frodo to no good might be the understatement of the year, as well as an incredibly accurate one. I don’t need to keep saying this but of course he could be speaking poetically or figuratively. It just seems to me that there’s a LOT of these instances over the course of these books.
Putting Denethor and Faramir in a room together is, of course, always fucking wild for a MYRIAD of reasons, but let’s look at (the part that always fucking kills me) this scene:
“Do you wish then,” said Faramir, “that our places had been exchanged?”
“Yes, I wish that indeed,” said Denethor. “For Boromir was loyal to me and no wizard’s pupil.”
–The Return of the King, pg 813
I’m pretty sure this is the first(?) instance of Faramir being referred to as Gandalf’s pupil. I’m highlighting this point because it kind of sets a precedent as to why Faramir and Denethor, despite both seeming to have these supernatural abilities to read people and situations, come to SUCH different conclusions about what to do with The Ring. Faramir has been studying with Gandalf, a magical wizard, since he was a kid. I really don’t think it’s that far of a stretch that Gandalf, who once again is literally a god or Maia or whatever, was able to teach him how to actually use this ability to read and/or influence minds. (Plus he wasn’t wrecking his own mind by staring into a palantir 24/7 but I digress)
I’ve been writing for too long, so here’s just a couple of other points that come to mind.
When Denethor is on the pyre, Faramir, who apparently hasn’t moved for like two straight days, somehow seems to know that his father is nearby
When Faramir is retreating from Osgiliath the first (second overall, first in the book) time, he can somehow get his horse to turn around and go back for the men being chased by FIVE NAZGUL when every other instance seems to involve people and animals just immediately losing their shit
When he’s talking to Eowyn in Houses of Healing, he mentions that this situations “reminds” him of Numenor’s destruction, which took place, hmm, an AGE ago. And he says that he dreams about this all the time (this one is linked to that weird ability to see things happening when they’re not happening in real time)
Anyway. Those are my two cents on the subject. Everyone in the line of Stewards is a fucking psychic to some extent and that’s what Tolkien intended
okay, it’s late and I don’t want to cite things but I really want to respond to this: yes! Yes, this is all 99% certainly true! Welcome to magic in LotR! This is the mother of all fantasy, but magic is not a flashy thing of wands and jets of light (HP) nor explicable on a frankly scientific level (Cosmere) nor even, say, the lack of definition and rules but the definitive effects, like time travel or mega lightning strikes, of Robin McKinley’s Damar books. No, LotR magic is incredibly subtle, and could at almost every turn be explained away by saying that a particular person is insightful, or inspiring, or just makes really good fireworks.
Seriously, Gandalf is The Wizard, but the most explicit magic we see him do is those more-than-natural fireworks at Bilbo’s going-away party, and in RotK when he, like, “casts a light” at a swooping Nazgul. Compare him reviving Theoden in the book vs in the film, which of course follows a more modern (and film-appropriate) dramatic view of magic – sure, the book has a bit of illusory storm and then light, and Gandalf definitely knocks Wormtongue out for lightning for a moment, but there’s no weird possession and magically induced aging going on. It’s like 90% psychology. (”Headology” – Pratchett knew what was up.) Note that this passage is begun with Gandalf singing, in the book – song is magic/divine power, in LotR, ever since Eru first began singing the world into existence. It is arguably not a matter of characters casting spells so much as a signifier to the reader that “magic” is happening now, or about to? But also it’s straight-up a spell. It’s no mistake that the runes readable on the Ring are a part of a poem describing its power and intent.
Faramir can use such power, a little, as can Denethor and Aragorn, because in all three of these men, the blood of Westernesse runs strong – in Aragorn in particular, who can heal, and wrest the focus of a Palantir away from Sauron with will and right. (It helps, per the extremely vague rules that govern LotR’s magic, that the Palantir is his by right of inheritance. For extra fun, se…a post somewhere that I’m not going to spend more time finding about how Frodo arguably “cast the spell” that sealed Gollum’s fate.)
Anyway, yeah, Faramir and Denethor have, like, metaphorical recessive genes of what Aragorn has in a more truly direct line, that is, a the blood of the Men of Westernesse, who were given longer lives and a home in sight of Valinor (home of the gods, ish) way back when. Literal physical proximity to Valinor is a rough equivalency for Right/Good and, consequently, granted Magic/Divine Power in The Silmarillion, or at least classist elves think so. Perhaps, as rumored, there’s even a dash of elvish blood in them, though I’m skeptical of that – Elrond does have two spare uncles, whose fates are unclear, but there are really only supposed to be 3 unions of Elf and Man and we know about all of their progeny. Possibly Elros got around, but he would have been doing that in the early days of Westernesse anyway, sooo…same thing.
Tldr: You’re absolutely right, but it’s deliberately vague bc that’s just how LotR works, and I love it.
Anyone else here familiar with the essay
Ósanwe-kenta? It’s subtitled/translated “Enquiry into the Communication of Thought” and is the closest Tolkien gets to discussing the actual rules of “magic” in Arda. The rules concerning telepathy (as understood by the Eldar and written down by Pengolodh), are outlined and discussed.
It was published in volume 12 of HoME, The Peoples of Middle-Earth, and was written sometime around 1960, so a few years after Return of the King was published, and according to the Tolkien Society’s timeline, shortly after his retirement and at the same time as several of his other essays about Middle-Earth.
Although Tolkien was beginning to rework parts of his cosmology at this point, I find that the concepts and details discussed Ósanwe-kenta are very consistent with the descriptions of telepathy found in LotR, of which several examples have already been discussed.
In brief, telepathy is an ability inherent to all minds (sámar, here distinguished from fëar, spirits). Bodies tend to get in the way, though, so it is harder for Incarnates to use than for Ainur, and harder for Men than for Elves. Therefore, Incarnates typically need their telepathy to be strengthened for effective communication. This can happen through affinity (as between family or friends), urgency (any great need), and authority (duty, or rightful command). Furthermore, any mind can refuse to permit entry of any other’s thought.
By these conditions, then, Faramir’s questioning of Gollum makes more sense. As the Steward’s son and an officer of Gondor in one of Gondor’s territories, Faramir has the authority to find out what Gollum knows and ensure he is not a danger to Gondor or ally of Sauron. This would naturally strengthen his telepathy, which is probably already stronger than average due to his Númenorean heritage. The “closed doors” he perceives in Gollum’s mind are likely his experience of Gollum refusing to allow him in fully, so Faramir is limited to mostly observation. Whether or not Faramir knows exactly what he’s doing, this leads to a very accurate assessment of Gollum.
Faramir, Denethor, and Gandalf aren’t the only ones who are shown using telepathy, either. Aragorn does it repeatedly and deliberately, particularly after entering Gondor. Galadriel examines the Company telepathically upon their arrival in Caras Galadhon. Sauron seems to use telepathy to command and control his armies. Celeborn, Galadriel, Elrond, and Gandalf chat that way on the journey home.
Okay, if you couldn’t tell, I really like this subject, and think it’s a pity it’s not more widely recognized. Tolkien is always stranger than most people assume, and it’s wonderful.
I think he’s become—and I’ve said this to him—for as amazing as all of our actors are at embodying these characters, every single one of them, he’s one that reminds me, alongside Christopher Reeve, as just like ‘these are the characters.’ I think he’s a great actor, and I think he can do whatever he wants to do, but even when you look at his Twitter account and taking a stand on things, it’s like, ‘Is he becoming Captain America?’ – Kevin Feige
(did I wait until All Souls’ Day to answer this? yes. yes, I did.)
Anyway: for me, The Thing About Ghosts is that ghosts are about grief.
Not only the grief of continuing to live when someone you love has died, but also all the awful things the world asks us to endure. All the smaller deaths—the thousand natural shocks man is heir to, to borrow a phrase. The world asks us to stare, unblinkingly, at horrors, even the most sheltered among us can’t avoid disease, loneliness or fear, or death itself; a part of us feels that injustice keenly. But most of us go gently into that good night anyway, and manage what haunts us as best we can while alive—because misery exists, and people suffer more than we do, grieve more than we do. And we don’t want to deprive ourselves of future joy, just by trying to right the injustice of evil existing. We want to live, goddamn it, not spend every moment trying to kill a thing that won’t be killed.
But ghosts…don’t. They don’t live, or want to. So ghosts can be a misery pressed so hard into the landscape of the world it can’t leave, or won’t leave; it won’t be washed away or ignored. It demands an answer. It’ll exist and endure and warp the world around it until it gets an answer.
(I think a lot about how America really only started telling ghost stories after the Civil War—so many dead men who never made it home, an absence crying out for an answer.)
If you’ve ever lived with grief, or been close to someone enduring it, there is a kind of unreasonable monstrosity about it all. Grieving does not happen on a set schedule, it does not accommodate itself. It happens in weird, terrible and awkward ways, that don’t always make sense from the outside. Grief exists like a plague, like a curse, like a poltergeist, come to rearrange your shit and put the chairs on the ceiling. Grief possesses and alters and….you run out of verbs for it, after a while. But then, you’re supposed to run out grief eventually, right? People expect you to come back, and move on, and—
Ghosts don’t. In that way, ghosts are realer than grief, proof of grief. That person you loved is still gone from you—you can point to the howling at 3am, the traditional witching hour, and prove it. The child you lost for no clear medical reason is still a unreasonable, senseless tragedy—they’re leaving their toys scattered on the floor every night, so you know. Sanitariums and mental asylums, where very ill people were done great wrong, are considered de rigueur haunted; ditto orphanages and prisons. A ghost is evidence that an absence is actually a presence and thereby, the grief and horror are justified.
Even more broadly, we can see the power of ghosts: Resurrection Mary, killed by a hit-and-run driver only to appear in ghostly fashion asking for a ride, is allowed to exist longer than most parents’ misery about their children killed by addictions. There are still ghost hunters listening for moaning from Massachusetts’ “the bloody pit” as though OSHA violations don’t result in roughly five thousand workplace deaths per year. North Dakota has White Lady Lane, where a young girl hung herself for her out of wedlock pregnancy and the religious parents who forced her to marry the father—today, ND is one of the most restrictive states when it comes to abortion regulations.
It’s about grief. It’s about an indelible mark of the world’s horrors. And as a consequence? Ghosts stick the fuck around, where even real human suffering doesn’t.
(Honestly, I don’t think it’s accidental that most of our ghosts are children and women. Even now, in this modern age, ghosts are about the injustice of misery demanding an answer, and those two groups have felt it more than any other.)
Don’t get me wrong. I really like vampires. I enjoy a good zombie. I’m a fan of cryptozoology, and I think unsolved mysteries are very neat. But when it comes to what I love—my absolute favorite of the horror tropes—it’s grief. And it’s ghosts.
I wonder if, in superhero universes, the villains ever get contacted by those “Make a Wish Foundation” and similar people.
I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.
But surely there are also the kids, who – because they are kids and sometimes kids are just weird – decide that what they really, really want is to meet a supervillain. Because he’s scary or she’s awesome or that freeze ray is just really, really cool, you know?
Oh, man, that would absolutely be a thing. The heroes would be so weirded out by it. The villains with codes of ethics would totally band together to force the villains without one (should they be the one requested) to do their part for the cause.
But imagine the person who has to track down the villains and organise everything?
Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.
So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.
The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.
At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.
They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.
When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.
A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.
The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?
Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.
The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.
Around the office, they gain the unofficial job title of The Villain Wrangler.
The heroes are genuinely flabbergasted by The Villain Wrangler. At first, some of the heroes try to reason with them.
Heroes: “Can’t you, just, give us their contact details? They’ll never even have to know it was you.”
The Villain Wrangler: “Yeah sure, <rollseyes> because all these evil geniuses could never possibly figure out that it’s me who happens to be the common thread in the sudden mass arrests. Look man, even if it wouldn’t get me killed, it would disappoint the kids. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids would you?”
Heroes: “… no~ but…”
The Villain Wrangler: “Exactly.”
Eventually, one of the anti-hero types gets frustrated, and decides to take a stand. They kidnap the Villain Wrangler and demand that they give up the contents of the little black book of Villains, or suffer the consequences. It’s For the Greater Good, the anti-hero insists as they tie the Villain Wrangler to a pillar.
The Villain Wrangler: “You complete idiot, put me back before someone figures out that I’m missing.”
Anti-hero: “…excuse me?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Ugh, do I have to spell this out for you? Do you actually want your secret base to be wiped off the map? With us in it? Sugarsticks, how long has it been? If they get suspicious, they check in, and then if I miss a check-in, they tend to come barging into wherever I am just to prove that they can, even if they figure out that they’re not being threatened by proxy. Suffice to say, Auntie Muriel really regretted throwing my phone into the pool when she strenuously objected to me answering it during family time. If they think for even one moment that I’ve given them up, they won’t hesitate to obliterate both of us from their potential misery. You do know some of the people in my book have like missiles and djinni and elemental forces at their disposal, right?”
Anti-hero: “Wait, what? I thought they trusted you?!”
The Villain Wrangler: “Trust is such a strong word!”
Villain: “Indeed.”
Anti-hero: “Wait, wha-” <slumps over, dart sticking out of neck>
The Villain Wrangler: “Thanks. I thought they were going to hurt me.”
Villain: “You did well. You kept them distracted, and gave us time to follow your signal.” <cuts Villain Wrangler free>
The Villain Wrangler: <rubbing circulation back into limbs> “Yeah well, you know me, I do whatever I have to. So I’ll see you Wednesday at four at St Martha’s? I’ve got an 8yo burns unit patient recovering from her latest batch of skin grafts who could really use a pep talk.”
Villain: “… of course. Yes… I… yes.”
The Villain Wrangler: “I just think you could really reach her, you know?”
Villain: <unconsciously runs fingers over mask> “I… yes, but, what should I say?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Whatever advice you think you could have used the most just after.”
Villain: <hoists Anti-hero over shoulder almost absently> “….yes.”
The Villain Wrangler wasn’t lying to the Anti-hero. They know that the more ruthless villains would not hesitate if they thought for one second that the Anti-hero would betray them.
But this is not the first time the Villain Wrangler has gone to extreme lengths to protect their identities.
Trust is a strong word. The Villain Wrangler earned it, and is terrified by what it could mean.
My first official deadpool headcanon is this. This this this.
Okay but this whole concept actually makes a lot of sense, because villains are a lot more likely to be disfigured/disabled/use adaptive devices (bc ableist tropes), so of course, say, a child amputee is going to be more interested in the villain with a robot arm who almost destroyed New York than the heroes that took him down.
Also, imagine one of the kids gets better, and a few years down the line becomes a villain themself, except their crimes are things like smuggling chemo drugs across the border for families that can’t afford treatment, or stealing from corrupt businessmen to make donations to underfunded hospitals (idk this turned into a Leverage AU or something) and every time the heroes encounter her, they’re like “oh no. she’s getting away. curses. welp, nothing we can do.” Though it isn’t that she can’t take them on; bc of course once the villain from way back when found out what she was up to, he started helping/training her.
“I thought they just hired someone to dress up and pretend to be you,” she says, amazed, when he reveals himself. “I didn’t think they actually got the real you!”
Every year the Villain Wrangler gets a very expensive gift basket from the pair.
and for the kids who don’t get better the villains are there too, they show up to every funeral, they bear too small coffins on their shoulders and the heroes stand aside
they are fierce with grieving families assuring them that their child will not be forgotten, and they don’t balk at negative emotions, they don’t tell people to be strong or “celebrate their child’s life,” because these parents have every right to their grief and anger
and the lost children are never forgotten. flowers appear on graves during birthdays and anniversaries, heroes find pictures of those kids and they carefully take them down and ensure they’re delivered to the villain’s cell, and a few villains can be seen with friendship bracelets wrapped around their wrists the cops have learned not to try and take them off
This is all soooo good, but I wonder what effect this has on the villains. Like, can they really wreak indiscriminate havoc when they know the kids that worship them might be in the area? Like, what if they attack a shopping mall and it just so happens that Annie’s mom ran in for a pair of shoes or something? What then?
So what you’re saying is that there is now an organization of henchmen who do round the clock, exhaustive research in order to make sure the villain’s plan isn’t going to ruin the life of some kid. Just imagine some aunt getting a call from an unlisted number.
“I swear I am not a bill collector ma’am. It’s just. Well. Ok and I swear I am not a stalker even if this is actually going to be a very creepy phone call, but you said you were going to the mall at four? Is it possible you could reschedule or postpone that trip for about an hour? That mall is way too close to…well. It just wouldn’t be safe. I could wire you some money, and you could go to the much nicer mall one town over? Would that work for you? No? You are calling the police? Yes. Yes that is the sensible thing to do. Definitely do that. You have a nice day, ma’am. Tell Marcus Doctor Evil says hello and to have a nice day.”
And then the poor minion has to call the villain and explain why robbing X bank isn’t a good idea that day.
“Yes. Hello. Sir? Oh good I caught you before you left the base. Look, Marcus Smithson’s aunt is going to be near the blast radius for that job you have scheduled so-yes. Yes I am aware that rescheduling is going to be a lot of work since most everything is already set up, but….but, sir think about poor Marcus! She’s his favorite aunt, and the woman refused to ‘reorder her life around some crazy mastermind’. ……no…..no, please do not kidnap the aunt, sir. It’s terribly rude. Yes I realize you weren’t going to keep her or doing anything other than drop her off at an alternative location, but, well, citizens frown upon that sort of thing and….yes….Yes, of course. You have a good day, too, sir.”
And they turn to their coworker and are just like “So if I don’t come in to work tomorrow it’s because Doctor Evil threw me in his dungeon and/or sent his hellhounds to maul me. Please remember to send help.”
Oooooh yes.
But but but… what happens when one falls through the cracks? When Lord Dominion or whatever does a typical baddie thing but then Penny’s new best friend gets caught up in the damage and Lord D didn’t even KNOW Penny had a new bestie so how was he to know but now the kid is devastated and it’s all his fault? I mean, how does that even shake out?
Penny SWEARS REVENGE! Lord D is distraught but also somewhat proud. He sends Penny a very sincere apology and also a bunch of tips on how to execute a proper vengeance plot, in case she decides not to accept the apology. He sends henchmen to spy on her, and he keeps the surveillance photos of her sitting in her room, plans and schematics strewn all over her desk. He puts them in his wallet and brags to all his villain friends that one of his kids is taking up scheming, look at her go, she’s already started on pattern analysis of his latest heists. He’s so proud. Later this month he’ll show up on her way home from school so she can have her first Confrontation.
omg yes. Yes to all of that. There will inevitably be mistakes and tragedies.
Penny is an intelligent kid. She catches on to the spying henchmen pretty quick and bribes some of them to her side with snacks. That first confrontation does not go like Lord Dominion expected because Penny has minions (minions that are using his OWN WEAPONS against him, even)
Lord Dominion is the proudest villain ever, even if he did almost lose an ear thanks to the impeccable aim of a nine year old with a grudge. He does let the laser blast graze him just so he can have a scar to show people because that girl is a villain after his own heart.
He doesn’t want to ask his villain rivals to help her out because that would imply he doesn’t think she’s capable of eventually growing strong enough to kick his ass. Turns out Penny already thought of that and has mailed letters asking for advice to Lady Sinister, Lord Dominion’s long time, mostly friendly rival. (She mailed a letter to Lord D’s arch nemesis, but man. Heroes are always trying to make you do The Right Thing. Penny doesn’t have time for the high road. Plus, the low road has lasers.)
Lady Sinister thinks Penny is the best thing ever and while she has mostly stopped kicking Lord D’s ass, she still breaks into his hideout to sit in his favorite chair with a glass of wine and brags about her new favorite up and coming villainess. (She doesn’t warn Lord D about the attack rabbits she agreed to train for Penny as a favor, and for obvious reasons, she is going to be a bystander at the next confrontation, filming everything on her phone to post the dark web so all their villain friends can see this)
Does necromancy only work on animals? What do you do if you accidentally necromancy a fence and then it starts growing branches?
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU NECROMANCY A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO AND IT TURNS INTO AN ENTIRE PILE OF LIMES?
What if I accidentally necromancy a vaccine and then someone gets an armful of very live pathogen?
WHAT’S THE LIMIT ON DEADNESS? HOW RECENTLY DOES SOMETHING HAVE TO BE DEAD? COULD I NECROMANCY A DINOSAUR FOSSIL? WHAT IF I NECROMANCIED THE GROUND AND THEN DINOSAURS STARTED APPEARING?
WHAT IF I NECROMANCIED A LIMESTONE WALL AND IT JUST TURNED INTO A PILE OF MOLLUSCS? WHAT IF I MOLLUSCED A BUILDING? A MOUNTAIN?
Hey OP are you okay
no
NECROMANCY DOES WORK ON ANIMALS BUT AS RULE OF THUMB BIGGER ONES TAKE MORE ENERGY WHILE SMALLER ONES TAKE MORE PRESCISION THE HAPPY MEDIUM ENDS UP WITH LARGE DOGS BEING EASIEST
PLANT CELLS GENERALLY DO NOT RESPOND TO NECROMANCY AND REQUIRE A DIFFERENT FORM OF MAGIC TO MANIPULATE BUT THERE ARE A FEW WEIRDOS THAT PRACTICE NECROFORLOMANCY
SHAMPOO HAS LIKELY UNDERGONE TOO MANY INDUSTRIAL PROCESSES TO BE MAGIC REACTIVE ANYMORE
NECROMANCING INDIVIDUAL BACTERIA WOULD TAKE AN INHUMAN AMOUNT OF CONTROL
SAME CONCEPT WITH DINOSAUR SKELETONS THEY HAVE BEEN DEAD SO LONG REANIMATING THEM WOULD TAKE SO MUCH ENERGY YOURE HONESTLY BETTER OFF TRYING TO JUST RIP A HOLE IN SPACETIME AND HOPING A T REX FALLS THROUGH
SIMILARLY WITH LIMESTONE YOU WOULD HAVE TO REANIMATE EACH MOLLUSK INDIVIDUALLY
I HOPE THIS HELPS ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS
A helpful discussion on Necromancy.
Thank you necromancer side of tumblr
And now I wanna read about the world’s most patient, stubborn-ass archeologist necromancer, slowly reanimating an archaeopterix to find out if it can fly like a magpie or if it’s more like a chicken.
My dude, I have an entire PLUNNIE about transObi-Wan.
Obi-Wan was
born biologically female and decided while still in the creche, early in life,
that he had no business being a girl and being a boy was far more to his
tastes. The Jedi see enough species and differing genders that they were accommodating
to this desire: hormone treatments, clothing, full gender identity change—the only
thing they didn’t perform was the surgery Obi-Wan wanted, because it’s safer if
you’re fully grown before going under the knife. Obi-Wan was entirely fine with
that. His breasts are behaving themselves and remaining A-cups, thank you, and
he has an implant that means he isn’t inconveniently bleeding on an
inconvenient schedule.
That is,
Obi-Wan is fine with things right up until Qui-Gon gets himself killed and
saddles Obi-Wan with a Padawan. Now he doesn’t have time to go through the surgery and the recovery period, he has a
wild Anakin Skywalker on his hands.
There is no
avoiding telling Anakin, as they live in close quarters, but bitty Anakin just
blinks it off, shrugs, and wants to know why that matters. He was raised on the
Outer Rim in a port. This is not a new thing and is entirely cool, can we go
see Real Grass now? Real green grass is way more interesting than gender stuff.
Obi-Wan
shrugs, mutters under his breath, and just deals with it, because he promised
Qui-Gon a Knighted Anakin Skywalker. He’ll complete that task and then get the surgery, because he’d
like to be able to look at himself naked in the mirror and recognize the person
looking back at him.
But of
course, the universe is an asshole, and galactic civil WAR breaks out. Anakin
is Knighted, but they’re busy. He does not have time to recover from a surgery.
He doesn’t even have time to recover from the wounds he is receiving. Obi-Wan begins to wonder if the Republic supply
depots are spiking their food with stimulants just to keep them all upright.
The clones
are also totally fine with the
transgender thing. Obi-Wan discovers while speaking with Rex (in bed, because
that’s really the only time they have for anything resembling a conversation
not based on the war) that there are female
clones in the ranks, quietly living and doing their jobs as men because the
Kaminoans promised the Republic an army of Fett clones, so the girl deviations
had to conform.
This does
not please Obi-Wan. Or Anakin. or Plo Koon. Or any of the few remaining Jedi
who do not have their entire heads up their asses, spelunking through their own
intestines.
The female
clones get to grow their hair, if they want, and be referred to as their
preferred gender. Several of the male clones jump ship to be women; some of
them give no fucks; some of the women remain men; some of them really don’t
want to have to deal with gender anything,
can we just go blow shit up now??
Dooku dies.
Obi-Wan really doesn’t give a fuck that Anakin executed Dooku after the battle.
It’s a bit vicious, but not only has the Republic already declared in a Senate
session to execute Dooku as a traitor (which is…questionable) but Dooku has
tried to kill Obi-Wan so often that he rather enjoys the idea that Dooku won’t
ever try to kill him again. Either way, if they take down Grievous, then those
are the major military players. The war might be ending.
Obi-Wan
tries breaking his leg by kicking Grievous. Not his best moment, but he still
wins. They’re that much closer. He can feel it.
Too bad he
was feeling the wrong thing. The Purges happen. Cody tries to kill him. The 501st
marches on the Temple and executes every living being inside.
Mustafar.
Anakin. Anakin who knelt before the Emperor and became Vader. Anakin tried to
kill Padme, and then does his best to kill Obi-Wan until Anakin proves he’s fucking nuts by taking that
leap from a lower position.
Obi-Wan has
no idea what is going on, or why his belly aches like Grievous kicked him (no,
he did not), or why Anakin suddenly went entirely mad.
He does not
have long to contemplate it. Right after he retrieves Padme and gets C-3PO to
pilot them off this horror-rock, he collapses.
R2-D2 takes
some time away from freaking out about Anakin losing his mind to mutter about
having two hapless idiots on his
hands. C-3PO can only carry one idiot at a time!
Padme does not die. Fuck that Losing
the Will to Live shit. Padme was Momma Bear incapsulated, taking on the entire
Republic, before she had kids. After? Man, she would fight the universe to see her kids safe.
Everything
at Polis Massa is great, except for the fact that Padme is giving birth to
twins (!??!) and a medic is telling Obi-Wan that he’s pregnant. (!!!!?!???)
Bail is kind
enough to help clean him up after Obi-Wan vomits in the ’fresher for about an
hour and a half. Then he asks who the baby’s father is.
Obi-Wan
pauses, thinking that Rex adores kids and so does Cody, and Cody will just
never stop teasing him over this—
He decides
he’s just going to keep dry-heaving for a while. It’s kinder than thinking
about any of them.
Then he goes
and tears a medic a new one because he has an implant, this can’t happen.
The medic
asks Obi-Wan when was the last time he had the implant swapped out. They only
last so long before their effectiveness at preventing this sort of thing begins
to deteriorate.
Polis Massa’s
walls echo with the shout of “FUCK!”
Padme has
twins. Luke and Leia. She’s feeding the baby girl when she asks Obi-Wan if he’s
going to abort the baby.
Obi-Wan
stares at her, because it hadn’t even occurred to him to do so. Most of the
known Force sensitives in the galaxy were just wiped out. He can’t bear the
thought of helping the Emperor succeed.
Fuck. Fuck,
this is not fair. Why can’t he put this fetus in an incubator to gestate like
at least five different sentient species he knows of just off the top of his
head? WHY?
Fine. FINE!
Obi-Wan is going to have a child while they’re on the run from the Empire, and
then he is going to have that fucking surgery or he will chew his way through duracrete.
Obi-Wan asks
Padme what it’s like to be pregnant. Padme looks at him, blinks a few times,
and then grimaces.
Duracrete
and durasteel, then.
Obi-Wan and Padme decide to hide from Vader together. Bail does
not get one of the twins. Padme listens to Yoda’s reasons, tells him he’s full
of shit, and tells Bail that there are so many war orphans to choose from,
Breha could raise an entire horde if she likes.
Bail looks
entirely too pleased by this idea. She almost feels sorry for his older
sisters, who have been nattering on for Bail and Breha to have children for
years.
Padme is the
one to suggest that they go to Tatooine. She can’t go home to Naboo, but at
least Tatooine has Anakin’s family. That is her brother-in-law and
father-in-law and—according to the last message she received, she now has a
sister-in-law in Beru Whitesun Lars as well.
Yoda
actually agrees that hiding on Tatooine is a fabulous idea; off you go, shoo,
shoo.
Obi-Wan did
not need that education in what happened on Tatooine with the Tusken Raiders.
He was heartbroken enough. This is almost worse.
Also, he
really was not expecting his father to have quit the Mid-Rim, moved to
Tatooine, and married Anakin’s mother. He is also entirely freaked out about
endangering these people—these near strangers,
no matter their blood—when Padme assures him that Anakin swore an actual blood
oath that he was never setting foot on Tatooine again. They both doubt that
Vader will suddenly forget that sort of vow just to go trolling for victims.
Owen is not okay with Obi-Wan being his brother
instead of his sister, especially with Obi-Wan pregnant but still saying he’s a
man. Obi-Wan tells him to sod off and grow up. Beru laughs when Owen turns
bright red and stomps out of the room.
Padme and
Cliegg assure Obi-Wan that yes, he is handling siblinghood correctly.
They find a
nice, remote farmstead that is larger than Obi-Wan’s quarters in the Temple.
Which is…kind of pathetic, actually. Cliegg and Owen (after Beru threatens her
husband with castration) help to build additional rooms onto the place so that
they have bedrooms for each of them. Obi-Wan and Padme might tell people that
they’re spouses, but Obi-Wan does not want to be anything except Padme’s
friend. Padme is struggling to grieve while also being bright and happy for
twin babies who are far too sensitive for their own good. Obi-Wan is trying to
figure out how to anchor himself back to existence.
The last
room to be built is a nursery for the twins. Obi-Wan stares often at that third
cradle, waiting for a new baby, and wonders what in the entire fuck happened to
his life. He can’t grow a beard right now to save his life because his estrogen
levels are overcompensating after years of being suppressed, his breasts are
larger (FUCK), and he is starting to waddle like the pregnant man he is.
Thank the
Force that Beru loves children and all but moves in with them to babysit as
often as possible. They might have lost their minds that first year without
her.
On the day
Obi-Wan’s daughter is born, he finally sees Qui-Gon’s ghost for the first time.
Unfortunately
for the asshole who up and died on him, it’s during labor. Obi-Wan throws
everything within reach at the ghost, because HOW DARE HE and THIS IS YOUR IDEA
OF TIMING? while Padme holds his hand and tries not to giggle as Obi-Wan
apparently destresses by yelling at a figment of his imagination.
Obi-Wan
names his little girl Anna. Ani for short.
After nearly
a year of holding tight to her grief, Padme finally breaks down and sobs.
Steel Phoenix Studios 