million dollar idea: instead of spending thousands of dollars on steady-cam equipment, filmmakers should just attach a camera to the head of a chicken and carry the chicken around as you film.
ok so the great wall is literally just two hours of helms deep crossed with attack on titan but with really cool dragons, the most beautiful army i’ve ever seen (led by jing tian), spine tingling drum scenes, and matt damon being literally married to pedro pascal. that’s it, that’s the movie. also jing tian saves all of china and matt damon’s sorry ass, willem dafoe gets blown up, and matt damon rides into the sunset with pedro pascal after sacrificing inestimable wealth and status for a life with him. please consider seeing this ridiculous flm. it’s literally worth it just for the drums and jing tian.
The Great Wall is literally just a Chinese epic fantasy movie with Matt Damon for promotion purposes.
pristinepastel said: Hey, i know you like the first mummy, but what about the mummy returns?
I HAVE RETURNED…after like a day.
but what the people want, the people get!
RIGHT SO THE MUMMY RETURNS!
aka the only sequel that is 1000% just as good as the first one. like holy shit.
ten years later and we meet our heroes again. rick and evie are happily married, going on adventures, and evie’s dream of becoming a respected scholar has come true and they’ve made a tiny human!
the only unrealistic part being that they only had one kid, i mean they are still all over each other ten years later and you’re telling me they only had ONE kid.
okay. sure jan.
but boy o’ boy is that one kid awesome!
alex o’connell. this kid is literally:
50% evie super-klutz-genius.
50% rick screams-at-things-that-are-illogical-to-scream-at.
50% uncle jonathan’s sheer dumb luck and wit.
10% i’m really bad at math.
you get the point. HE’S GREAT. also the actor passed on harry potter because, JUST LIKE ME, the mummy 1999 was his favorite movie and he just HAD to be in the sequel. alex is just such a smart-ass little shit. that much like his mother, accidentally brings about the apocalypse by opening something he shouldn’t have:
ARDETH BAY TIME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. he has a much bigger role in this one. GOD BLESS.(because he was supposed to die in the first one, but test audiences loved him as much as we do, so they kept his fine ass around) he still looks prettier than everyone and is still so done with white people once again.
*after almost being killed on he bus* “this was my first bus ride.” *after realizing they’re gonna make him fly again* “why can’t you people ever keep your feet on the ground?”
he’s just such an awesome A+ friend goals, because while he probably needs to go be with other medjai to prepare for battle against anubis’ army (yikes), he stays with the fam to rescue alex. it wasn’t even much of a thought for him really, rick and evie just batted their eyelashes and he was like: *sighs* “these white people are always messing my shit up, but they are my white people.”
jonathan: still beautifully the same as ever. witty, clever, and would do anything for his family.
“be quiet alex! if there’s going to be any hysterics, they’ll come from me!”
“if you see anyone come running out screaming, it’s just me.”
when he boasts about being a good shot and ardeth is internally like “i’m gonna die.” THEN HE SAVES ARDETH. hell yeah.
rick: he’s still screaming at things. BUT IN DAD MODE. he’s the ultimate dad.
“you, lighten up. you, big trouble. you, get in the car.” *sweetly* “honey, what are you doing, these guys don’t use doors.” “knowing my brother-in-law, he probably deserves whatever you’re about to do to him, but this is my house and i have certain rules about snakes and dismemberment.”
evie: still a super-klutz nerd, but with C O N F I D E N C E. little baby librarian is now a honey badger of ASK ME IF I GIVE A FUCK! and also a re-incarnated princess
“no harm ever came from opening a chest.”
rick: “i swear that kid gets more and more like you every day.” evelyn: “you mean more attractive, sweet and devilishly charming?”
we meet izzy, another one of rick’s ex boyfriends, who is a much more reliable mode of transportation than previously mentioned murder buses.
imhotep: still emo. still wants to make out with his gf.
anck su namun/meela: hella good villain. she bomb af and 100% wants to take over the world. amazing. she actually has like a really cool role this time too!!! like so much screen time.
the rock…i mean the scorpion king, he’s another emo villain with goofy cgi rendering and like 4 million terrible made-for-TV spin off movies that you are lying if you haven’t watched at least one of them and felt that utter disappointment. but who cares the rock is pretty. and this was his first acting role and the reason we have him where he is today.
thank you mummy returns for giving the world actor rock johnson #blessed
THE ROMANCE AGAIN:
normal action movie sequel romance: same guy. different girl. repeat of first movie’s romance. hehehehhehehehhEHEHEHEHHEHH.
not here bitch.
rick and evie’s love has only grown stronger. they still bicker like old ladies at bingo night. the still look at each other like they hung the moon. they’re still disgusting jonathan because they CANNOT KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES. one kid my ass. they still support each other and protect each other like crazy. they love each other so much and it’s so healthy and pure and there is some good in this world mr. frodo.
the bottom line here is. what’s the point of watching the mummy 1999 if you aren’t going to watch the mummy returns immediately after?
I love Tom Hanks. I’ve always loved Tom Hanks. I loved Before Tom Hanks. And I love After Tom Hanks. Now, some of you are probably saying, “Froggie, there is only one Tom Hanks.”
Ah, so young.
You see, when I was a youth Tom Hanks was seen very differently. He was that cross-dressing guy. Eventually he did Splash and The Money Pit and he was that Generic Comedy Movie Guy. You liked him, but unless his movies were on cable you kinda forgot about him. Then he did Big and everybody flinched for a moment. It was a special movie and there were signs there was more to Tom Hanks than meets the eye. But then he did Turner & Hooch and everybody went back to seeing Tom as that Generic Comedy Movie Guy.
He was like cotton candy. Sweet, enjoyable, but not a lot of substance. Empty calories from an occasional treat.
Then there was Joe vs the Volcano. I actually went to see this in the theater.
It was… somethin’.
Some people were ready to put Tom out to pasture. His relevance as a comedy star was fading. His leading man abilities came into question. Tom was always very humble so he was like, “No big deal. I’ll be a character actor. I’ll just do supporting roles.”
So he did A League of Their Own. He said, “There’s no crying in baseball!” and stole the movie. People changed their damn minds again. “He should be the star of a movie!” And I was like, “He was! …a bunch of times!”
In comes Sleepless in Seattle. For better or worse, he helped birth a new age of Romantic Comedies. Mothers everywhere thought he was adorable. He was a bonafide star again and could call his own shots. But I’m not sure Tom really wanted to be Romantic Comedy Guy after being Generic Comedy Movie Guy.
So he went a different direction. Thus began… After Tom Hanks.
Tom’s next film was not a comedy. Not even a little bit. He played a gay man. Who had AIDs. And was dying. While fighting off homophobes with The Law. And his costar was dramatic heavyweight Denzel Washington. Tom was so committed that he lost a ton of weight to look sick. It was a heartbreaking movie with a beautiful performance.
Before Philidelphia was released people were a bit confused. They were like, “Huh? Tom Hanks? He’s that cross dressing, mermaid loving, comedy guy who did a buddy cop movie with a dog named Hooch. What’s going on here?”
And then the movie came out and pretty much everyone who saw it was like, “Holy shit. Where did that come from?”
It turns out Tom Hanks could act. I mean, he could act. For the longest time people saw his goofy face and curly hair and didn’t really test his range. He didn’t belong in a movie fighting a volcano. People had been selling him short for years. But he never complained. He was always just happy to be working. He just waited patiently and when he saw a shot, he took it.
Tom went off to the races. Forest Gump confirmed it. It wasn’t luck. Tom could definitely act like the dickens. Then came Apollo 13. Houston we have an actor.
He did Toy Story and was like, “How about I kick start a revolutionary new form or movie-making?” DONE.
Then he was like, “I want to be an action hero, but with feeeelings.” Saving Private Ryan. DONE.
Then he was like, “Those romantic comedy moms were so nice to me and kinda saved my career.” You’ve Got Mail. THANKS MOMS. DONE.
Then Tom got a little crazy. “What if it really hurt when I have to pee?” The Green Mile. DONE.
“I want to act, but I am sick of other people.” Cast Away. DONE.
“I should throw that Leo DiCaprio kid a bone.” Catch Me If You Can. DONE.
[Leo powers up.]
“Accents are fun.” The Terminal. DONE.
“Okay, what if I test out this motion capture technology that isn’t quite ready and demonstrate the greatest example of what the Uncanny Valley is?” The Polar Express. CREEPILY DONE.
“I want… MONEY. Make it rain!” The Da Vinci Code. DONE. FRANCHISE INITIATED.
“Let’s get weird.” Cloud Atlas. CONFUSINGLY DONE.
“Maybe I should go back to just acting good and stuff.” Captain Phillips. DONE.
“I enjoyed being a captain and acting good.” Sully. DONE.
At this point, Tom had DONE it all. But I think a new challenge lies ahead.
Hollywood had a dilemma. Mr. Rogers was the purest being to ever grace this planet. Who is the least scummy person in the industry?
Tom Fucking Hanks.
Ack, sorry Mr. Rogers. That was uncalled for.
Tom Hecking Hanks.
And that brings us to today. Tom Hanks is going to be Mr. Rogers and I really hope it’s amazing because Fred deserves nothing less. And I think he wold approve of Tom telling his story.
I’m not sure I’ve seen another story quite like Tom Hanks. He was so close to becoming a forgotten Generic Comedy Actor Guy. He could have easily become one of those people discussed on “I Love the 80s” where the talking heads are like, “Whatever happened to that guy?”
I’m very glad that didn’t happen. Tom seems like a genuinely good guy. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a story where someone was like, “That Tom Hanks is a real douche.” He still seems to be madly in love with his wife. They’ve been together for 30 years! I wonder if that is some kind of Hollywood record. He’s a good father. A good friend. A great spokesman for WWII vets. And he is always willing to make a fan’s wedding memorable.
He just inspires me to keep trying to be a better me. He inspires me to be a sustainable better me.
And for that I’d like to say…
This was a great TED Talk. Thanks.
For those of you too young to have seen most of his early movies, just…. imagine if Will Ferrell had done Elf and Anchorman and Stepbrothers…. and then in 2009 won Sean Penn’s Oscar for Milk.
I’ve seen a bunch of people in the notes concerned (like I was) of comparisons of members of the lgbt to dogs: but upon visiting their website I was reassured that they monitor a variety of content, including (but not limited to):
THIS IS A GOOD SITE
I just wanna reblog this here and point out that this is actually a site I use a lot.
Im not one of those who get like overly upset by passing of dogs in movies, but growing up in a family where we had to put down a lot of dogs ourselves that we loved very dearly, it does break the immersion for me, which ruin movies.
Just had a thought for an action hero thing: 30-something woman hero is doing her ass-kicking thing. One day, her boss shows up at her door, and tells her she has to stand down, or there will be consequences. “Honey, it’s not that you’re too old. It’s just the public don’t like to see a woman of your age saving the day. It feels emasculating”.
So woman is stripped of her support team, fellow agents, and is pretty much put on the shelf. She tries to do heroing, but keeps getting cockblocked by younger women or superhero men she used to work alongside.
Just when she’s hitting rock bottom (and sitting in her house wearing pyjamas and eating ice cream), there’s a knock at the door. Judi Dench is standing there, and our heroine assumes it’s a charity collection.
“Oh no, dear,” Dench says, smiling. “We’ve come to recruit you.”
“Recruit me? For what?”
“To do what we do best: save the bloody world.”
And all at once she’s part of a covert ops team made of all the older women who have been retired and who currently are holding the reins of managing the world.
Of course, a few older women heroes and vigilantes don’t take the offer. Some are too embittered by the rejection they’ve faced and decide to show the world exactly why they’re still to be feared.
Enter Judi Dench’s arch-nemesis, Dame Helen Mirren.
I need this like air
Look – here’s your casting call:
Sigourney Weaver – 67
Pam Grier – 67
Lynda Carter – 65
Linda Hamilton – 60
Angela Basset – 58
Michele Yeoh – 54
Ming-na Wen – 53
Famke Janssen – 52
Halle Berry – 50
Tia Carrere – 50
Carrie-Anne Moss – 49
Lucy Lawless – 49
Lucy Liu – 48
Uma Thurman – 47
Angelina Jolie – 41
Milla Jovovich – 41
Sarah Michelle Gellar – 40
The Recruit:
Jessica Alba – 36
Emily Blunt – 34
I need this to happen!
There should be a whole bit about how uma and Lucy liu can never be in the same place because of an old grudge.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Betty White runs the whole Op and everyone reports to her.
I would literally abduct people and force them to watch this at knife-point. (JK I would pay for their tickets and bribe them with chocolate and booze)
I’m an atheist, but I’m ready to start praying for this!
Allow me to suggest a director: George Miller (Mad Max: Fury Road).
Steel Phoenix Studios 