pristinepastel said: Hey, i know you like the first mummy, but what about the mummy returns?
I HAVE RETURNED…after like a day.
but what the people want, the people get!
RIGHT SO THE MUMMY RETURNS!
aka the only sequel that is 1000% just as good as the first one. like holy shit.
ten years later and we meet our heroes again. rick and evie are happily married, going on adventures, and evie’s dream of becoming a respected scholar has come true and they’ve made a tiny human!
the only unrealistic part being that they only had one kid, i mean they are still all over each other ten years later and you’re telling me they only had ONE kid.
okay. sure jan.
but boy o’ boy is that one kid awesome!
alex o’connell. this kid is literally:
50% evie super-klutz-genius.
50% rick screams-at-things-that-are-illogical-to-scream-at.
50% uncle jonathan’s sheer dumb luck and wit.
10% i’m really bad at math.
you get the point. HE’S GREAT. also the actor passed on harry potter because, JUST LIKE ME, the mummy 1999 was his favorite movie and he just HAD to be in the sequel. alex is just such a smart-ass little shit. that much like his mother, accidentally brings about the apocalypse by opening something he shouldn’t have:
ARDETH BAY TIME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. he has a much bigger role in this one. GOD BLESS.(because he was supposed to die in the first one, but test audiences loved him as much as we do, so they kept his fine ass around) he still looks prettier than everyone and is still so done with white people once again.
*after almost being killed on he bus* “this was my first bus ride.” *after realizing they’re gonna make him fly again* “why can’t you people ever keep your feet on the ground?”
he’s just such an awesome A+ friend goals, because while he probably needs to go be with other medjai to prepare for battle against anubis’ army (yikes), he stays with the fam to rescue alex. it wasn’t even much of a thought for him really, rick and evie just batted their eyelashes and he was like: *sighs* “these white people are always messing my shit up, but they are my white people.”
jonathan: still beautifully the same as ever. witty, clever, and would do anything for his family.
“be quiet alex! if there’s going to be any hysterics, they’ll come from me!”
“if you see anyone come running out screaming, it’s just me.”
when he boasts about being a good shot and ardeth is internally like “i’m gonna die.” THEN HE SAVES ARDETH. hell yeah.
rick: he’s still screaming at things. BUT IN DAD MODE. he’s the ultimate dad.
“you, lighten up. you, big trouble. you, get in the car.” *sweetly* “honey, what are you doing, these guys don’t use doors.” “knowing my brother-in-law, he probably deserves whatever you’re about to do to him, but this is my house and i have certain rules about snakes and dismemberment.”
evie: still a super-klutz nerd, but with C O N F I D E N C E. little baby librarian is now a honey badger of ASK ME IF I GIVE A FUCK! and also a re-incarnated princess
“no harm ever came from opening a chest.”
rick: “i swear that kid gets more and more like you every day.” evelyn: “you mean more attractive, sweet and devilishly charming?”
we meet izzy, another one of rick’s ex boyfriends, who is a much more reliable mode of transportation than previously mentioned murder buses.
imhotep: still emo. still wants to make out with his gf.
anck su namun/meela: hella good villain. she bomb af and 100% wants to take over the world. amazing. she actually has like a really cool role this time too!!! like so much screen time.
the rock…i mean the scorpion king, he’s another emo villain with goofy cgi rendering and like 4 million terrible made-for-TV spin off movies that you are lying if you haven’t watched at least one of them and felt that utter disappointment. but who cares the rock is pretty. and this was his first acting role and the reason we have him where he is today.
thank you mummy returns for giving the world actor rock johnson #blessed
THE ROMANCE AGAIN:
normal action movie sequel romance: same guy. different girl. repeat of first movie’s romance. hehehehhehehehhEHEHEHEHHEHH.
not here bitch.
rick and evie’s love has only grown stronger. they still bicker like old ladies at bingo night. the still look at each other like they hung the moon. they’re still disgusting jonathan because they CANNOT KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES. one kid my ass. they still support each other and protect each other like crazy. they love each other so much and it’s so healthy and pure and there is some good in this world mr. frodo.
the bottom line here is. what’s the point of watching the mummy 1999 if you aren’t going to watch the mummy returns immediately after?
i’m so tired of movies whose only real premise is “the best dude in the world at this non-white thing… is a white dude.” like The Last Samurai, where Tom Cruise is for some reason the only one who can properly understand samurai culture. i want the opposite of that. i want a movie where the best person in the world at this extremely white thing is a non-white person. Like imagine Aziz Ansari has to enter a bagpiping contest to save the honor of some teeny Scottish town and ends up marrying the stoic, humorless Scottish babe who is inexplicably good with swords. Or the fate of the American nation somehow depends on Li Bingbing learning how to play bluegrass. Or idk Canada’s hockey team has lost its coach and is going to suck and only the magic of Lupita Nyong’o can save them. Or maybe there’s a sports team from a country that doesn’t traditionally do the sport and oh I’m thinking of Cool Runnings. Let’s all rewatch Cool Runnings
So Prof. Mark Reidl of Georgia Tech is the best kind of geek, and used some cool scripting to extract all the things on Wikipedia with plot summaries: movies, books, tv episodes, video games, etc. That’s a lot of plot summaries: 112,936, to be exact.
With a dataset this large, a neural network can achieve impressive results. Sure enough, when I trained this open-source neural network framework on just the titles alone, it consistently came up with titles that were both varied and (usually) plausible.
Below are some of my favorites, arranged roughly by apparent genre:
Action/Adventure
Titanic Buffalo Pirates: A Fight Dance Story The Bad Legend Conan the Pirate O Bullets Home Transformers Shurk Hat Dies! An Enemy of Bob (Homicide: Life on the Street) Cannibal Spy II American Hero: Fire of Crusty Lego Man Hunt Nancy Drew: The Last Day (film) Surf Crisis Legend of the Experience of Scarlet Freedom Damageboo American Midnight: Swear Dragon Problem
Scifi/fantasy
Under the Daleks Batman and Flancles: The Fun Tree The Legends of World Planet Bomberman’s Love The Enchanted Feed The Star Wars: The Santa Contact The Long Ninja Dove in the Air (film) The History of the Galaxy Bunny Lada City of the Stupid (film) Shy Castle Hamburger (Star Trek: The Next Generation) Swords and Batman: Summer Party ?
Kids/Family
The Boordeeple (2011 film) A Dog’s Toy Friends Boop (Adventure Time) A Dinosaur Quest Colonel Corn (video game) Scooby-Drum New Bear Borky the Pig (film) Excellent Very Broken Christmas The Great Bother Cat (film) Happy Cat in the Yaku Wonder Fireman and Halloween Rules Big Can Flower Home The Green Yaurglar Pig Scooby-Doo’Wagon Traps (video game) Book Dog (film)
Horror
Terror Dog Tree Screaming Zombies of Florence The Trunkelling A Vampire Time for Monster Murder’s Eagle Frozen Bat (film) Haunted Place The Sheep of Evil Barney’s The Devil’s Treachery Merry Scroobers: Crown of Evil The Steel-Pounted Murder King The Shadow of Life of Very Worgy (film) The Mystical Booged of California
Documentary
Market that Knave Spork at Bliss The White Soup An Indiana Office The Last Fish Show The Fish of Education
Restricted section (there were quite a few more of these)
Absilloved Lovers 2: Black Bearfly Dawn Horse Man Academy 5-R: Cowboy Sheeper Wydex Breed Bot 3: The Journey Kitchen Wild Bad Party 109 Pink Moon Indiscreet Maidman
And finally, a list of the most quintessential story titles, obtained by setting the creativity to near zero on a highly-trained network:
The Story of the Stranger (1994 film) The Last Day of the Story The Lost Princess (film) The Stranger (1994 film) The Last Star (1994 film) The Secret of the Story of the Stranger (1996 film) The Stranger (2014 film) The Story of the Stars The Story of the Stranger (1999 film) The Last Day of the Sun The Story of the Star Trek: The Secret of the Story of the Star Wars
A trailer for a new movie starring Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen just came out, and we should all be mad.
This is a movie about murder on native american reservations, FRAMING THE ENTIRE STORY AROUND WHITE PEOPLE.
For context, this is actually a serious problem on reservations because the government does not give a single flying fuck and evil white men have figured out that native women are easy targets. 84% of native women report being the victims of violence, significantly higher than any other group in the country. 90% of the perpetrators are non-native. Reservation governments can’t try white people and the FBI refuses to, so the violent crime rates are much higher. Native women routinely go missing, and people in power do not give a damn.
So now they’re making a movie about it WHERE ALL THE NATIVE PEOPLE ARE BACKGROUND CHARACTERS IN THEIR OWN STORY. This is, of course, continuing the longstanding tradition of media and hollywood completely ignoring native people and giving even the few roles that should belong to them (Jacob Black in Twilight, Jacqueline White on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) go to white people, making it completely impossible for native people to tell their own stories, while white people make millions off of exploiting them.
tldr; White people have spent centuries murdering natives and trying to destroy native communities, which continues in horrifying ways today, and now another movie made by white people has just come out which will make millions of dollars from commodifying this violence.
PLEASE REBLOG. PLEASE DON’T GIVE MONEY TO THIS MOVIE. PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS NOT TO.
Form wikipedia:
Lautner has Austrian, English, German, Swiss-German, French, Irish, and Dutch heritage, and has stated that he has “distant" Native American ancestry (specifically Ottawa and Potawatomi), through his mother.
That out of the way (because I saw enough people badmouth Lautner back when the movies came out to let the reference just slide by), I agree with you that this is horrible and will be boycotting the movie and signal boosting the post.
Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others
from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial
battle in the history of mankind.
The premise for the movie Anastasia is so ridiculous but somehow they turned it into a work of beautiful timeless art it’s astounding
Anastasia is a cinematic masterpiece with almost no actual historical facts in it that I will love and defend until the day I die
Oh, yes, it’s definitely historically inaccurate, and Don Bluth tossed in a fair number of fantasy elements as well. (Undead Rasputin, talking bat, and singing bug army from Hell, anyone?) But at the same time, the premise for the movie–that an amnesiac woman could actually be a surviving daughter of the Tsar–is pretty much the real-life case of Anna Anderson, who claimed (falsely) to be Anastasia.
One of my very favourite things about Anastasia is that not only are zombie Rasputin and his talking bat goofy as hell, they’re almost completely irrelevant to the actual plot.
Seiriously, trace his path. Rasputin appears at the beginning of the film, takes credit for the Russian Revolution (which, historically, would have happened anyway), then promptly falls into a river and doesn’t intersect with the protagonists again until the very end of the film. Sure, he sends demons to assassinate them at a couple of points, but their influence manifests as seemingly mundane misfortune that our heroes manage to evade without ever becoming aware of Rasputin’s involvement.
From the perspective of anyone other than the audience, the final confrontation with zombie Rasputin is utterly inexplicable. Sure, it makes sense to us, because we’ve seen him posture and bellow and claim credit for all the bad stuff that happens to the protagonists, but from their perspective, he comes right the hell out of nowhere.
(Heck, the 2016 stage adaptation manages to cut Rasputin’s part entirely without changing any essential element of the plot!)
singleminded and incredibly dedicated to whatever it is she’s focused on at the time (gets into and then goes to law school to get back warner, even though it breaks with everything she’s done in her life up until that point)
incredibly knowledgeable about her chosen point of interest (”it’s impossible to use half-loop top stitching on low-viscosity rayon”)
has a dog who’s permitted to live with her on campus and go to court with her, and who completes daily-living tasks like fetching mail (i’m calling it: bruiser’s a service dog)
relies on routine and an established set of coping mechanisms (manicures; tries to schedule social events to maintain some sort of consistency)
struggles with social cues (for instance, the way she delivers her introduction when she first arrives at school, the way she interacts with warner)
is incredibly smart (got a 179 on the LSATs) but struggles in school — has difficulty keeping track of her assignments (first day in stromwell’s class), has difficulty answering questions on the spot in class (”do they always do that? put you on the spot like that?”)
struggles with codeswitching in different environments (with her friends in LA, in the classroom, with the other harvard students, in court, etc)
when she does try to institute a change like this, she does it overly dramatically; she over-plays it — see: the outfit she wears for her first day of classes
that line also — ”i totally look the part!” — that idea that what she wears, says, and does are largely performative (maybe also she’s trying to pass?)
uses overly formal or informal language; language inappropriate to the context (”and i am fully amenable to that discussion” when warner is breaking up with her; the ‘valley girl’ language she uses at harvard)
has difficulty identifying sarcasm and mocking (the costume party)
is set up in the narrative as out of place in her social environment
the narrative about elle ultimately winning the case because she uses her existing skills, knowledge base, and passion rather than What She Learned In Law School ™ is also, like, a really strong neurodiversity narrative
i love her and i only care about autistic characters, so she must be autistic
she’d be a textbook example of the sort of woman who falls through the cracks in diagnosing autism, if the textbooks didn’t fail so egregiously in regards to diagnosing women.
Steel Phoenix Studios 