today some guy very confidently ordered a “Busted Nut Parfait” on drive thru without hesitation and i had to ask if he meant a peanut buster parfait without crying
update: today someone asked for a peanut buster parfait with “light syrup and heavy nut” and i laughed from the ice cream machine and he heard me
My boyfriend just woke up, mostly still asleep and told me “don’t worry, it’s getting better” in a heavy, American accent, which is unusual for an Australian man.
“Why are you American?” I asked, to which I got:
“Sorry, it’s getting better” in a stereotypical posh English accent.
“Why are you English?” I asked, amused.
“What is he normally?” He managed to ask.
“He? You’re not anyone else, you’re you.”
“Ugh, me” was the last thing he said, in a right proper Aussie accent before he fell back into proper sleep.
Bitch just thwarted a ghost possession by judging his accents
My boyfriend would be gettin’ hit with the baseball bat beside our bed if he ever woke up and said, “What is he normally?” about himself.
Then you would NOT have liked the time he pointed to a corner of our room while he was sleeping and said “they share a dimension with Earth and they take cats to eat them”.
I absolutely do not like that.
My brother does this. His ex woke up to him sitting on the edge of the bed one night talking to someone and when she asked who he just pointed to the corner and said “him”. He then told her to move over so “he” could get in the bed
honestly “i’ll do whatever you want” “then perish” is the single most powerful exchange possible in the english language and it’s from some bizarre “hewwo” obama rp
And there was that other post where someone dreamt that Obama said “violence for violence is the rule of beasts” like what is it about Obama that makes people come up with such raw fucking dialogue for him
my mother had a dream where he lived in the forest and she had a cigarette with him and he said “to become god is the loneliest achievement of them all” and put it out and walked into the mist and i’ve never fucking forgotten that
I once dreamed that a giant meteor was headed for earth, and the government had set up loudspeakers throughout the cities so Obama could give a final address – I’ll never forget how strangely comforting it was when he said “there are places we’ve never been before. Some of us have never been to the Alps, some of us have never been to Marrakesh. The next life is simply another place we’ve never been before, and we’re all going to go explore it together.”
I had a dream my family housed the Obamas for a weekend and one morning Obama made us oatmeal for breakfast and, looking at my disappointed face because I don’t like oatmeal, he said “regardless of what we taste, if we eat together, we are happy.”
Once I dreamt that Michelle Obama was running a campaign to give homes to all the feral pigeons and her husband came to my house and gave me a pamphlet that just had a picture of a pigeon on it and he looked me in the eyes and said “who would you be without them?”
i was thinking about the weirdest phone calls i got when i still worked at the public library and i remembered this one phone call. it was probably less than 20 seconds long, but it still makes me laugh.
anyways, this woman called and without even saying hello after i said the usual “public library, how can i help you?” spiel, she said, “i have a very important question: when you shelve books, do you push them all to the front of the shelf or all the way back?”
it took me a second to process the question and then i answered that, at the library, we always shelve them so that they are even with the front edge so they’re easier to grab and see. she was obviously delighted by this answer and then, as if an afterthought, she asked, “okay, what about you? what do you do at home with your books?” i said i did the same thing. she hummed in obvious agreement and then just like that she said “thank you!” and hung up.
i never heard from her again. i hope she won whatever argument she was having.
for about a year, i worked at a call center for sprint. i have a similar kind of story.
a woman called, and said she had a question about the call history on her bill. “sure, let me just pull up your account-” and she cut me off going, “no, no, it’s not anything specific, it’s just. so, if you change the time on your phone, does that change the time on the bill?”
“uh… no? the time on the phone doesn’t matter, the call history is recorded by the towers.”
“ohhhh” she said in the saltiest voice i have ever heard “so even if you changed the timezone it wouldn’t change the time on the bill? to, say, the middle of the night?”
i stg yall i looked into the camera like i was on the office. “um… no? it would still be the local time of the tower. is there anything else i can help you with?”
to me, overly chipper: “nope! thank you! have a great day!” turning on someone as she hung up: “she says yoU’RE A LYING SACK OF-”
i went into american public school for 6th grade and i pierced someone’s scrotum with a fencing foil that was missing the little rubber safety tip on the end by accident in gym and it was middle school so i was promptly nicknamed “The Nut Slayer” and i cried until my parents let me move back to europe and live with my grandparents
nutslayer is a powerful title
can you imagine a european person coming to your school for 1 year, stabbing you in the ball sac, then promptly fucking back off to europe immediately afterwards. can you imagine being the bloke with the stitch in their scrote because of some mysterious foreign spherepuncturer
What started off as a small lie, but snowballed into “this is my life now”?
My freshman year of college I was walking around campus when a very friendly looking girl waved at me. I’m awkward, so of course I waved back. The next week, the same thing.
This began the weirdest saga of my life.
For the next two years, we greeted each other as old friends every time we came across the other. She knew my name (somehow?), I never could figure hers out and it was WAY too late to ask. I just pretended I knew who she was and why she knew me.
Finally, I joined the honors program and entered my classes for my thesis. Who should be in this class but mystery girl! I was horrified. I wouldn’t be able to pass it off anymore.
First day of class we are all sitting there chatting and she greets me by name, again. I had finally learned her name from attendance, thank God. Someone asks, finally, “oh, so do you two know each other? Where’d you meet?”
Silence.
I stare at her. She stares at me. Finally she breaks down wailing. “I don’t know! I don’t know, okay, we’ve just been waving at each other for two years and it was too late to ask!”
Shes standing in my wedding next spring as one of my bridesmaids and very best friends.
When I was a very small child, my mom used to bury coins in my sandbox, leave huge boot prints in the sand, and tell me pirates had come in the night and buried treasure. I would be out there happily for hours, with my little sieve, and my mom got a quiet morning to herself for the price of a handful of pennies.
I was always kind of skeptical about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, because visiting every kid in the world did not seem reasonable. But the pirates only visited me, so they were probably real.
So that’s the story of how I ended up being an archaeologist. How about you?
about aged 5&7, my sister and i received a book about garden fairies and proceeded to spend the entire summer season writing little notes to the fairies and then tromping out into the garden to hide them in the garden.
after we’d gone to bed, my mom would tromp outside to figure out where her two daughters has hidden those letters (and, let me tell you, we were creative, because what if someone other than the fairies found them????). then, on fancy, very tiny stationary would pen marvellous responses about what the fairies had been up to, and would go back outside to switch out our letter for her own.
all said, we probably wrote over 20 letters, and mom answered every single one.
why is there such a stigma against wearing pads? like why is it that people who wear tampons are seen as ‘strong’ and ‘cool’? y’all know that someone people can’t wear them bc it hurts them or that they just don’t like them? stop making it seem like people who wear pads are childish and weak compared to those who wear tampons
Ok kids buckle up because I know the answer to this question because I am a bitter, vindictive person.
So my first semester of PhD work in a musicology program involved this horrible class with a professor that wanted to suck the life out of all of his students by constantly belittling them. We had to write a short paper each week and present them conference-style and then he would tear us to shreds and do it all over again next week. The purpose of the class was supposedly to have us write papers about materials that hadn’t really been looked at by musicologists yet, and my class had music in advertisements. I was also the only woman in the class and the prof was lowkey sexist so I kept trying to do feminist topics without losing my entire will to live.
So we get to the end of the semester and I am just completely out of fucks, I have one paper left to write and I say fuck it, let’s write about pads and tampons, there must be something there, right? It turns out there IS something to be said there (and this gets back to OP’s question). Early pad and tampon commercials were very similar to each other; basically here’s a product to help you stay clean during your period. But around 1980, suddenly there’s public outcry and panic over tampons due to TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome). At that point no one really understood how TSS worked but they knew it had to do with tampons. So women freaked out and started switching to pads instead. Now the worst offender, Rely, was taken off the market and other tampon commercials got slapped with little warning signs like “This product could cause TSS” so women bought even fewer tampons. This is when the advertising strategies for the two products changed.
Pad advertisements were now about “cleanliness” and “purity” – they knew you couldn’t get TSS from pads and they were going to emphasize that fact. You’ve got women in white dresses with long hair slowly walking through fields of flowers with pastoral-y flutes in the background. And to fight back, tampon companies take it the complete opposite direction – they ignore TSS entirely and start showing businesswomen running to catch the subway, sporty women riding bikes, basically any sort either high-powered position or active woman showed up in these commercials with contemporary pop-song type music over the top. The clear intention was “yeah we know that these could cause TSS but they’re much better for your mobility, both physically and career-wise.”
I got done giving this paper and I look up to see my four male classmates and one male professor in varying shades of pale-ness and they just all sort of looked at me for a couple minutes without knowing how to respond. It’s one of the proudest moments of my PhD career so far.
Anyway the two products have been advertised basically the same ways ever since then. Now pads are much more comfortable and discreet, and we understand how TSS works and how to avoid it, but the commercial strategies are cemented. If you want to be a strong, on-the-go woman of COURSE you’ll wear a tampon because you don’t want to be one of those sissy ladies in the pastoral field of flowers over in pad-land, do you?
THIS GUY WAS HITTING ON ME AND MAKING ME SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE, SO I TOLD HIM I HAVE A BOYFRIEND (because he seemed like one of those guys who, whilst they don’t respect women, they do respect another man’s “claim” on a woman) AND HE WAS LIKE “PROVE IT; SHOW ME A PICTURE” SO I SHOWED HIM THE BACKGROUND ON MY MOBILE AND HE BELIEVED ME
THIS IS MY MOBILE BACKGROUND:
I TOLD HIM IT WAS A PICTURE OF MY BOYFRIEND IN COSTUME FOR A PLAY. THANK YOU OSCAR WILDE FOR GETTING THAT FUCKBOY TO LEAVE.
He would be delighted to know this honestly.
Delighted? He’d have written an entire play using that scene as a starting point.
so, i was exploring the map and i was pretty far away from my home base, basically using a boat to cross deep ocean biomes and investigating islands and smaller landmasses and such
one of the islands i came across had an ABSURD amount of wolves roaming about. “holy shit,” i thought, “this swamp biome is full of free dogs.”
so of course i go on a wolf-taming spree. i wasn’t paying attention to how many i was amassing. by the time i’d covered the island, i had a pack of about twenty dogs in my entourage.
i think, ok, perhaps it’s time to go home, at least so i can leave some of these pups in a safe place while i keep exploring.
problem: there’s a huge fucking ocean between Dog Island and the continent my home base is on.
my stubborn ass thinks, “ok. ok. dogs can swim. we’ll FORD this river ocean.”
this, obviously, did not go well. the dogs are v good swimmers, but also very slow, and if i get too far ahead of them, they don’t catch up, because they can’t teleport to the player if you’re not on land. it took forever to get to the nearest small island, and i’d lost about a third of my dogs.
“i need a better plan,” i think to myself. i mean, i could abandon this ridiculous ‘transport 20+ dogs at least 5000m across multiple deep ocean biomes to my home base’ idea and find some free dogs closer to home. i mean, they’re not really that hard to find. but these are my dogs. i gave them bones and now they love me. i must not abandon them.
…and that’s how dog water skiing was born:
ishouldhavejustdonethisinthefirstfuckingplace.jpg
anyway, by the time i got to the next landmass, i hadn’t lost any more dogs. success!
and not only had i not lost any more dogs, but this new landmass was ALSO full of free dogs. and i still had some stacks of bones, which obviously trumps my own sense of self-control.
fast forward ten minutes:
look at all these pups! and also a really rude spider.
still more pups!
…oh jeez.
this is basically Homeward Bound, but instead of two dogs and a cat, it’s just me and like thirty goddamn dogs. they were continuously teleporting in front of me, i was tripping all over them. it was chaos.
now, i should mention, this was a long-ass trek home.
at some point my sword AND my backup sword broke, because frankly i just was not expecting my expedition to last this long and i did not bring a backup backup sword, so i was flailing at creepers with an axe.
i definitely lost some good pups, especially since at least half that travel was at nighttime peak monster spawn time. AND i have the Mo’ Creatures mod installed, so not only do i have to worry about the standard monsters, but also lions, tigers, bears (which are usually pretty chill but apparently can become hostile when thirty dogs suddenly teleport on top of them), manticores, ogres, SPECIAL wolves that instead of being tamable are just Very Angry All The Time, etc.
but the thing is, i kept finding more free dogs. and, sometimes when i’m walking, two dogs will just breed out of nowhere, so occasionally i’d turn around and there’d be a puppy. who did this. we’re, like, climbing a mountain here. control yourselves
anyways, by the time i got back to my home base, i counted forty-eight doggos.
just look at these Good Dogs. i couldn’t get them all to fit in the frame.
i have nowhere to put them. i feel like Roger and Anita at the end of 101 Dalmatians.
Steel Phoenix Studios 