The computer said my next patient’s name was Lucifer, and that he was a domestic. Not that an unusual name for a pet, I have to admit.
“Come on in. Do you have Lucifer hiding in that box for me?” I say. A gentleman dressed all in black with a rather spiky aesthetic and a selection of piercings comes into my consult room and opens the box.
He places a perfectly black rabbit on the table.
Honestly, I had been expecting a cat.
Turns out Lucifer is his new rabbit. He’d insisted on taking it from a friend who wasn’t taking care of it a few months ago.
Lucifer, for his part, had decided the table was too scary and that his dad’s leather clad armpit was the best place to be.
To my surprise and delight, our new goth rabbit owner is doing everything right. Perfect diet, read up on rabbit health, vaccinating, enrichment, the works.
He even started a vegetable garden to grow treats for the rabbit, or as he put it, “tributes for lucifer.”
auditing is the best accounting class because auditing isn’t difficult so much as it is tedious and so like 80% of the semester is just, “you will not BELIEVE the shit these assholes tried to pull, check this shit out”
we once spent like two weeks just talking about Crazy Eddie and watching documentaries and YouTube videos about the dude (our prices are INSANE because we are COMMITTING HUGE AMOUNTS OF FRAUD) and apparently when it came to audits they actually took a very common approach for people who commit fraud:
Select an auditing firm that’s a sausagefest
Specifically one of the many auditing firms that sends their newbies out to do on-site audits (because as stated, it’s not necessarily difficult it’s just boring as shit) (auditing is charlie work lmao)
Hire a hot chick as secretary or w/e to help this young man find his way around the office and files
which is how they managed to commit extensive tax fraud for like sixteen years without it ever getting picked up by the auditors, because the auditors they’d send down to the office would be too distracted by titties
we were told of multiple known instances of companies that did this, including one that managed to hide their family business’ fraud for decades until they screwed over an in-law who snitched, and whenever it happened the accounting firm who’d been doing the auditing was fucking mortified because they absolutely should have caught this shit
and that is why we learned in auditing class that young straight men cannot be trusted to audit without supervision, because they are so easily distracted by titties that they will fuck up the most basic of tasks
Did I ever tell yall about the time I had a really vivid dream that I overheard some dudebros talking about sucking dick and one of them said “I’d suck a dick” and his bros were like “but bro you’re straight” and the response was “It doesn’t have to be a guy’s dick. Don’t be a transphobe, Chad” because I just remembered the phrase “Don’t be a transphobe, Chad” and now I’m laughing
I’m reblogging this because I just remembered “don’t be a transphobe, chad” again
So I promised my wife I would tell this story because she said she would pay me with a 1946 wheat penny if I did, and I was like “Sure, lady, if you can just conjure one out of thin air” and then she pulled one out of her bra. So like…. you do what baby asks when she delivers a 1946 wheat penny from her magic titties.
ANYWAY this morning she woke up at like 2 fucking a.m. and decided to just stay up. I, a lazy and exhausted sunnovagun, kept sleeping until about 4:30 when she woke me up for good.
Now, let me set this scene. I’m laying there dozing and comfortable and probably dreaming and suddenly a figure slips into bed beside me, curling her arm around me and giving me a very slight, very gentle shake. And when I crack open my eyes, the light filtering in from the open window is blue, cool and carrying that summer morning hue that lays like chiffon over everything it touches. She’s got herself propped up on an elbow and she’s looking at me like nothing else matters in the world. Like she’s been awake two hours without me and even that is too long and I think to myself that I missed her too, even if I didn’t realize it while I was asleep, because everything just feels right when she’s laying beside me.
And I feel tears start to well up because I love her so much and she looks almost pale in the light, unreal and completely angelic but for the fact that I can feel her pressed up against me, so human and familiar. And she’s quiet and beautiful and soft beside me under the covers and her hand is so gentle where it rests on my belly and this woman is my wife. I have the incredible and unfathomable fortune to wake up to her, blue in the morning light.
And outside the window, a clutch of leaves rustles– once, insistent. I hardly hear it, but baby… baby’s eyes widen and she stares at me with shock, maybe even fear, and in a whisper almost too quiet to hear, almost indecipherable to my tired mind, she takes one cautious glance out the window and says the first words she’s uttered all morning…
“Squirrels’re fucking.”
And this is honestly just one moment among many thousands of moments that has made me realize that she is, in fact, the most perfect human being, and I am honored to be allowed to spend my life with her.
I’m in my mid-twenties, and honestly get so much hate over being childfree that I’ve started telling people I have an adopted daughter when they ask about my kids. I just conveniently leave out the fact that my adopted daughter is, in fact, a 40-pound sheep, one of roughly two dozen that live in my back yard.
It isn’t even a lie, I raised that lamb on a bottle from the day she was born, as far as she’s concerned I’m her mom. And as long as I’m vague enough, the problems of dealing with sheep sound totally believable as human toddler parenting problems. “Oh yeah, my daughter’s two, she always puts everything in her mouth.” “Ugh, my daughter is always climbing on stuff, I swear she’s part mountain goat!”
I live for seeing how long I can keep it up before someone asks to see a picture of my little darling. “Sure!” I say, “Here she is! Isn’t she adorable?” then relish the horrified confusion when they see this tiny little brown sheep like:
It’s the best thing. It’s my favorite thing I’ve ever done, next to raising sheep in the first place.
So, possibly one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. I mean you know how you hear the “women want him, men want to *be* him” stuff in old movies? Well I’m a man and by *god* I wanted to be this guy. Anyway!
I’m having dinner with my girlfriend at the time, and behind us are a couple on a date. It is.. not going well. Guy was being rather creepy and making some pretty inappropriate comments, the girl doesn’t look at all comfortable.
The girl finishes her appetiser really quickly, my guess is she wanted to get it over with. Guy proceeds to comment on it and says “well, least I know you can swallow right?”. Loudly.
Girl goes red and tells him that isn’t appropriate, he literally waves his hand in a “shoo” type motion and says “oh calm down I was going to find out in a few hours anyway”.
I missed her exact reply as she moved to a hushed tone, but it was fairly obvious what was being said – fuck no, fuck off, fuck this. He responded with “sweetheart I picked you up, I know where you live”. She lost the colour in her face and said nothing.
No. No. Fuck no. I’m one of those “get involved” type of people and there is no way I’m sitting here watching this go down. I get up. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m 23, fighting fit and happy to put that motherfucker through a wall. I may have had a slight temper in my youth. But anyway.
I was halfway out of my chair when a hand came down on my shoulder and I look up to this mid-50s but super fit guy who says “Easy.. I’ve got this one son”. Absolute, total confidence in his voice.. so seeing as my current plan amounted to “stab him in the neck” and I’m already thinking maybe that’s not the best idea, I sit down.
He walks over, grabs a nearby chair, flips it around and sits down with the couple. Then.. he pulls out his police ID and puts it on the table. Now the guy doesn’t have any colour in his face.
Cop: “So, I’m quietly celebrating my daughters birthday with my family when I distinctly hear you threaten this young lady, would you care to explain yourself?”
Guy: “I, ah, well, um, you see..”
Cop: “That’s what I thought. Now see, we take a *very* dim view of that kind of thing, so right now I’m deciding if I want to have some of my buddies come pick you up.”
Guy: “oh no well that…”
Cop: “But that would disrupt everyone’s dinner, so how about you hand me your ID, because I wouldn’t want you running off on me, then you go see one of the staff here and settle your bill.. the full bill now, this young lady shouldn’t go hungry on account of your poor behaviour. Or we can go with the first option, I’ll leave it up to you.”
Guy: “No no! That’s perfectly fine!” *hands over ID, gets up and walks very quickly in the direction of the counter*
Cop: *while writing down the guys details* “Sorry about that miss, I hope I’m not intruding it just seemed like you could use some help. Oh and don’t worry, if you want to pursue this further I’ll have some of the boys pick him up on his way home, we can definitely take this further.”
Girl: “No, thank you so much, I wanted to run out 30 minutes ago but he drove me here”.
Cop: *shifts from hardarse cop to comforting father figure in about half a second* “Well I’m here with my daughter, she’s about your age, perhaps you’d like to finish your meal with us? We can run you home afterwards if you’d like, unless you’d prefer to call someone else?”
Girl: “Oh.. that would be really nice.. thankyou so much!”
*guy returns, so does the hardarse cop*
Guy: “Uh so, I’ve paid the bill, if I could have my ID back..”.
Cop: “There you go.. now I have your details right here so I *highly* recommend you don’t go near or contact this young lady ever again.”
Guy: “Yes yes of course, I’m so sorry!”
The guy pretty much fled the restaurant, the girl went and sat with the cop and his family and by the time we left they were still sitting around talking and laughing about random crap.
It was hands down the best way I have ever seen anybody handle any situation, ever. That cop is my hero.
Haha okay, the teacher I have for YA Lit is amazing. I had her for Sci-Fi Fiction before. But the thing is she was given this class five days before it started since she’s taking over for another teacher.
so tonight im working super late at an adults-only event at the zoo where it’s basically endless beer and wine tasting and then wandering around the zoo at night. Keepers mainly sit around then we just take turns going up for a circuit through our areas and let me tell you as the night has gone on things have gotten more entertaining. So far I have seen:
-A group of drunk girls legit crying in front of the puffin exhibit because they’re Too Cute
-A dude pointed at a vacant eyed, open mouthed, coldwater fish and, completely deadpan, turned to his friend and went “it’s you”
-overheard a very serious debate on whether or not sea turtles sleep (”Ted you fucking moron everything fuckin sleeps jesus christ”
-A girl stroking her hand back and forth on the glass in front of a chillin Amazon cichlid (idk what part ok freshwater exhibits aint my thing) cooing “It’s just so pretty I want to be it’s friend”
-A man enthusiastically singing a ballad in front of the aquarium with some grand drunk improv like one standout line was “What we doin at the zoOOOoooOOooo? We drinkin a breeEWWWwwwwwwwww!”
-a very harried voice on the radio sighing “we need more captain morgan and vodka at concessions”
-five calls for medics
-three calls for broken glass
-A girl standing on her own in the middle of the shark reef tunnel, staring straight up with an open mouth and arms limp at her sides, oblivious to all the people around her
– “Ahaha. holy shit look at all of it’s legs” said in front of the octopus exhibit
-overheard a loud furious “DID YOU JUST FUCKING AS ME IF THE PENGUINS ARE FAKE?!”
-This exchange on the radio “Hi concessions to event management? What do we do with the used napkins?” Long pause, then a disgusted “You throw them away. Because they’re garbage.”
(honestly prayer circle for concessions)
– “holy shit it’s nemo what up dude” (I hear a million variations of “i found nemo!” but this is my favorite so far ok)
Steel Phoenix Studios 