And I was put in the seat instantly, of course. I said, “your honor, I can’t be a juror on a two week trial, I have opera rehearsal.” And she said, “opera huh, well, sing something for us.”
And I did. In a federal court of law, in front of the judge, 75 jurors, the lawyers and the fucking DEFENDANT, I sang o mio babbino caro.
YO I DIDNT EMBARRASS MYSELF IN FEDERAL COURT SO YALL CAN DOUBT ME.
I know a lot of opera singers, and singing a full-on aria in a court room with only a hint of provocation is EXACTLY what they would do.
I know a lot of judges, and demanding an impromptu opera solo on a whim is also something they would do.
(And also one of the main reasons you can be excused from jury duty is economic hardship–basically, it would cause you unreasonable financial damage. If you’re a professional singer, a two week gap in your rehearsal schedule could do that for sure.)
As a muso, I absolutely believe this. I’ve got my accordion out of my carry-on and played a tune when airport security couldn’t recognise its weird mass of levers. Singers and musicians are just Like That.
(Edited after additional information was obtained from zookeeping cousin)
(UPDATE March 2018)
I told this story to a few guildies a while back and decided to archive it in a longer format; so here is the story of The Great Flamingo Uprising of 2010 as told to me by my favorite cousin who was a keeper at the time.
In addition to the aviary/jungle exhibit, our zoo has several species of birds that pretty much have the run of the place. They started with a small flock of flamingos and some free-range peacocks that I’m almost certain came from my old piano teacher’s farm. She preferred them to chickens. At some point in time they also acquired a pair of white swans (“hellbirds”) and some ornamental asian duckies to decorate the pond next to the picnic area. Pigeons, crows, assorted ducks and a large number of opportunistic Canada geese moved in on their own.
Now; the ponds that dot the zoo property (I don’t remember how many there are but the one by the picnic area is the only one with swans) were also full of ginormous koi fish, some of whom by now are at least three feet long. Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the koi, the zoo put up little vending machines all over the place that dispense handfuls of food pellets. I swear to god the fish can hear the crank turning, and will show up at the nearest railing, blooping expectantly at whoever happens to be standing there and doing their best to appear starving and desperate.
Like this.^ And they weren’t the only ones who learned to associate the sound with the imminent arrival of food. The Canada geese knew a good deal when they saw one, and had long since ceased to migrate anyway. They formed roving gangs of thug-geese and staked out their turf around the vending machines, ready to mug anyone with pocket change. Picture yourself as a small child squaring off with a bird as big as you are fully prepared to strip search you while standing on your feet and yelling “HWAAAAAKK!!” in your face. It’s deeply traumatizing to you and incredibly hilarious to your parents.
Anyway.
The flamingos had their spot near the zoo entrance and never seemed to mind the presence of the other birds, as they kept themselves to themselves and didn’t really like the taste of fish pellets. The problem lay in that their shrimp pond was close to a vending machine. Ordinarily that wouldn’t have been an issue at all, but eventually the goose population grew large enough that one of the gangs decided to annex it. Being territorial little shits, they would harass the poor flamingos any time they strayed within ten feet of it. The flamingos tolerated this for years until one day they snapped collectively. Here’s a summary of the incident in chronological order.
1.) It was a hot day, so everyone in question both human and avian, were cranky by the time the zoo even opened. 2.) A few flamingos (let’s call them The Jets) strayed into the radius of the vending machine and were immediately confronted by the indignant hissing geese (The Sharks) 3.) Possibly due to heat and the simple fact that the geese had been giant douchebags for far too long, the flamingos decided fuck it, this time they were going to FIGHT BACK DAMMIT, and swarmed the geese en masse. 4.) Chaos ensued. The geese were outnumbered 4 to 1 but had the advantage of being able to scream for back-up. 5.) Hearing the shrieking Canada geese and the bellowing of the enraged flamingos, the peacocks came to the conclusion that the apocalypse had come upon them and began to gather in the surrounding trees in droves and wail in despair. Or cheer them on, whichever. 6.) NOISE 7.) Apparently one of the siege tactics employed by geese is to shit explosively all over everything. 8.) The geese, having secured reinforcements from all over the zoo, went berserk and proceeded to attack EVERYBODY who had come to watch be they human or otherwise. 9.) The flamingos were chasing/being chased by the geese through the crowd accompanied by cheers/wails from the peacocks in the box seats. 10.) Complete pandemonium when the zoo tram became stalled by the flamingo pond due to battling birds. The Jets, sensing these were somehow reinforcements on the side of the Sharks, charged the tram. Adults were doing the duck and cover. Small children were screaming, adding to the noise. People were slipping on goose shit and hitting the ground in the fetal position, only to be stampeded by the rampaging flamingos. 11.) The koi continued to bloop hopefully for food. 12.) Two of the geese were cornered by a rival gang of their own and were chased into the swan pond. Cue slow-motion. 13.) The swans detected an enemy presence in their territory and by god, SOMEBODY was going to PAY. 14.) The staff were having no luck in breaking up the fight and on the verge of giving up and just building another zoo elsewhere when the hellbirds stormed the battlefield, trumpeting battle-cries, to dispense feathered justice. The staff promptly dropped their brooms and fled. 15.) Birds scattered in all directions. Up, down, sideways. Some people not present in the park circle swear a couple of geese flat out teleported into the petting zoo. A few ducks vanished in the chaos, presumably eaten by the swans. 16.) Two of the zookeepers barricaded themselves in the snack bar and refused to come out. 17.) The uprising was squashed in less than two minutes. Number of casualties was unknown, feathers were flying everywhere and there was enough goose shit to build another bird. One staff member had been knocked to the ground and was left with a melon sized bruise courtesy of one of the hellbirds. Several children were traumatized, probably for life. The zoo eventually removed the vending machine by the flamingos.
The geese went back to being giant douchebags. Because geese*.
Addendum: Somehow, my aunt D got hold of this story and posted a link along with the comment: “This sounds exactly like our zoo!” Zookeeping cousin replied: “This was exactly our zoo.”
*I’m really not kidding. This is a photo, taken at our zoo, of a gorilla being chased by one of the thug geese.
Right, so I didn’t think I’d ever have anything to add to this, but here we go again. Under cut because length.
So I had a job interview today and there was a dude in the waiting room who was chatting up every AFAB person in the waiting room whether they responded or not, and kept going “Hey I’m real good at Origami Swans you want one?” and then writing his number on sticky notes before making paper cranes and handing them to his latest target before turning his attention to the next lady in his vicinity. A little sad, a lot annoying, but unlikely to be dangerous. Whatever.
Dude gets to me. We have half a conversation where he asks me personal questions and I don’t look up from my phone. I get my “Swan”. I’m the last AFAB person in the room so he’s kinda sitting there.
I get to a post about a friend needing moral and/or spiritual support before a medical procedeure, so my ADHD ass goes Oh hey, we have an animal effigy we could sacrifice to the relevant gods! So I take out my lighter and burn the swan roughly 23 seconds after the dude gave it to me, and crush the ashes in my hand because I belatedly realize there’s no sink for me to throw this in. Oh well. Purell the ashes off.
I look up. Dude, and everyone else in the waiting room is staring at me.
“You, uh. Smoke?” Dude tries.
What I Meant To Say: “No I just carry a lighter as a holdover from survival camp as a kid, and if I’m wearing synthetic fabrics that start to ravel, I can use the flame to melt them a bit so they stop.”
What I Actually Said: “No I just have one in case I need to set something on fire.”
I put the lighter away. The hiring manager comes out and calls my name. I go back and have what I think was a reasonably sucessful job interview. I come back out.
So apparently my sister has had a fake girlfriend for the last like two years
Thanks for asking.
So the other night I’m sitting in bed studying or watching Netflix or just being a lazy bum cause I was sick, I don’t remember exactly, but Sam comes in and joins me in my bed.
“Kee,” she says eventually. “I need to tell you something cause it’s gonna come up at the karate party, and I need you to know so you don’t act weird.”
And I’m like “Okay? Why is something coming up at the karate party? Why do you think I’m going to act weird? Why does this matter? You’re not even in karate.”
And she’s like “Yeah, but Eliza is.”
So I’m trying to figure out what the heck she’s talking about and I’m like “So? What do you think we do at karate parties? Tell our best friends’ deep dark secrets?”
And she laughs and is like “No, but I’m gonna be there as Eliza’s plus one.”
And I’m like “What? We didn’t get a plus one. What are you talking about?”
And she’s like “Yeah, but you’re allowed to bring your significant other and your kids if you have them, right? I’m coming as Eliza’s significant other.”
So of course I’m like “What? Since when are you and Eliza dating?”
And she rolls her eyes and is like “We’re not. It’s fake.”
So from what I got, this is the gist of their “relationship”:
Once upon a time in grade 12, Sam and Eliza figured out a way to scam the system of conditional plus ones on invitations. If you pretended to be dating, you could bring your best friend to anything that significant others were allowed to come to.
They’ve never kissed or done anything more than hold hands and refer to each other as “my girlfriend” on their dating adventures, and their “dates” are limited to parties where the chances of someone who knows they aren’t actually dating are low. Apparently they’ve got a lock down on being each other’s plus ones to weddings, at whatever point they start getting invited to weddings that aren’t just them tagging along with their parents and weddings are super fun so they want to maximize the number of weddings they get to go to.
Their “anniversary” is around Halloween, since the first time thy tried their loophole was for a Halloween party for some club that Eliza was in.
So yeah. I guess last year while Eliza was at uni with me and Sam was in a college in our hometown, there were quite a few times that Sam drove down and stayed at Eliza’s dorm for the weekend just because there was some party or event or whatever that Eliza was allowed to bring a significant other to and “Kee, it’s ridiculous. Why wouldn’t you bring an extra person if you’re allowed to? It’s like they’re just begging people to find this loophole. We’re basically geniuses. We get like twice as much free food.”
Apparently the only reason I haven’t been told until now is because Sam thought I’d judge her or make it into a big deal or something, and there really wasn’t any reason to tell me because there hadn’t been a situation where I’d also be there.
Until the karate party.
Because Eliza’s in my dojo and I was also going to be at the karate party.
So I had to swear on my eventual degree that I was not going to tell our parents or anyone else because “this is top secret, Kee. It’s need to know only, and Mom definitely does not need to know” and to be chill about it at the karate party.
“So,” Sam asks, leaning back against my pillows. “Who’re you bringing to the karate party.”
“No one. I’m not dating anyone.”
“Lame. You should get a fake relationship. They’re great.”
So anyway their “dating” at the karate party was basically the same as their regular relationship. They sat next to each other. They shared food from each other’s plates. It was pretty funny watching them field questions about their relationship though.
“So how long have you known each other?” “Oh, since kindergarten.” “That’s so cute.” “I know. We were both pretty cute when we were kids. I don’t know what happened to Eliza.” “Please. I’m still adorable, and you know it.”
There’s this one dude in the dojo who’s been in a bunch of classes with Eliza and they’re friends outside of karate too and he shows up late to the party and is all “Sam! It’s great to finally meet you! I’ve heard so much about you!” Because apparently Eliza’s told him about her “girlfriend”? According to her, he doesn’t know it’s fake, and I’m kind of confused and Sam also looked kind of shocked that he expected her to be there so idk what’s going on there.
But yeah. That’s the story of my sister and her fake girlfriend. I’m sure they’ve got some funny fake-date stories but I don’t know them yet.
A couple other things:
Sam and Eliza have been best friends since kindergarten and Eliza’s family lives just up the road from mine back home, so Eliza is basically another little sister to me
I don’t actually know either of their sexualities. I’ve never actually seen Sam when she’s got a crush or is into someone and we were never really into fawning over celebrities or anything growing up, so I don’t know who she’s into. I do know she’s never been on an actual date outside of her fake dates with Eliza and that she hasn’t had her first kiss yet.
And, considering I don’t know my sister’s sexuality, I feel like it’d be a little odd to know Eliza’s since, as far as I know, she also hasn’t actually non-fake dated anyone either. Factoring in the group of kids they went through high school with, I’m really not surprised about any of this. There really weren’t any good dating candidates there.
That all being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them were bi or day or anything, or if this was just them failing at transitioning from friends to more. They would honestly be a cute couple if they were into girls and wanted to date each other. So I approve, if that’s the direction this ends up heading.
People from the events they’ve gone to as dates keep asking about them and they’ve been keeping up the charade whenever they run into these people or otherwise talk to them (why it wouldn’t be easier to just be like “oh we broke up actually” I don’t know but I had to swear I wouldn’t judge so this is just me stating facts and not judging lol) so apparently they’re going to have a photo shoot in a pumpkin patch for their two year anniversary??? so they can send these people pictures??? and I think as apparently the only person in on this secret I’m pretty sure I’m going to be roped into being the photographer??? which all could be seen as a little extra, but I’m not allowed to judge.
Honestly this whole thing is ridiculous but I’m legally not allowed to judge but I never swore against waiting for the inevitable moment when this is going to blow up in their faces hilariously
Life, once again, succeeding at being both less dramatic and much weirder than fanfic.
One of these days, they’re going to end up getting fake-married, just to keep up the charade, and so that they can go on a fake honeymoon together, and I really want an update when that happens.
I mean tbh it’s quite possible haha. My sister keeps complaining that our cousin is taking too long to have her wedding because she really wants to go to a wedding and why don’t we ever get invited to weddings? So that plus the amount of free gifts you get from getting married could theoretically make this the next step in their plan haha. Or at least fake engaged so they can have wedding showers and then call off the wedding and never return the gifts haha
Please report back in like 1-5 years depending on how bad this slow burn is
my god this is better than any fake dating fanfic i’ve read so far
gather round, folks, that i may pass down the tale of Fuck-It Jonn, because that dude is just the GREATEST FUCKING CONMAN in the WORLD, and he WASN’T EVEN TRYING. he absolutely fucking STUMBLED ON ACCIDENT into THE SCAM THAT WOULD DEFINE HIS ENTIRE LIFE. the lie that transformed his ENTIRE EXISTENCE out of SHEER RANDOM BULLSHIT.
and his sole motivation was to EAT FINGER FOOD.
consider:
in the Wayback Days™ before i was born, the people who would later become my parents had this friend named… yeah, let’s say jonn. i’d rather not say his real name. bitches not snitches, and all that.
so. france in the late 80s. jonn and my parents had just finished school and all found jobs in computer engineering. (not that they STUDIED computer engineering, mind you. no, they were all studying how to become fish farmers or some shit. but those were simpler times, when knowing how to turn the fucking screen on got you a comfortable salary at the ripe old age of 24 years old.)
except that jonn, who was a chill hippie kind of dude, was bored to death by his desk job. so bored that he decided to just up and quit. “fuck it”, was basically jonn’s motto. fuck it, he’d find something better! fuck it, and things would work out! EXCEPT (as you may have guessed) THEY DIDN’T. for months and months he didn’t find another job. and so he ended up depressed, struggling, and eating dinner at my future-parents’ tiny apartment, three times a week, so he wouldn’t literally starve.
time went by. jonn was still unemployed. so before his resources hit rock bottom, jonn did the only logical, reasonable thing. what’s that, you ask? begged for his old job back? went back to school? crawled home to his parents? ha ha! obviously you do not share jonn’s ADVENTUROUS AND ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT. and also you lack his BIZARRE LOGIC AND PLAIN WEIRD APPROACH TO LIFE.
what jonn did was: say “fuck it” (again) and leave for thailand.
because you see, thailand was cheap by french standards. so cheap that even a penniless dude on unemployment could live there for weeks on end, spending much less than he would have in france, as long as he didn’t mind roughing it. and jonn didn’t mind! “fuck it”, he’d said. and by god, he would stand by his words!
so jonn gamely scrounged up the money for the plane ticket and then… yeah. basically bummed it out in thailand. for two months. seeing the sights. sleeping on the street. making new friends.
and one of these news friends turned out to be very adept at FORGING PAPERS.
huh, jonn said to himself (probably high at the time) this sounds not at all shifty and more like a ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY; what could POSSIBLY GO WRONG. my new thai best friend is even offering me a FAMILY DISCOUNT. for fake papers. fuck it! let’s have some!
as far as i can tell, jonn… didn’t even need fake papers?? like, he was literally just trying not to pass up on an opportunity here. so he smoked some more weed (i can only assume) and got A BRILLIANT IDEA. fake ID card? LAME. fake driver’s licence? HACKNEYED. fake medical degree? PEDESTRIAN. no! jonn got himself a fake press card.
but why??
well, OBVIOUSLY, just so he could get into cultural events for free – conferences, art premieres, etc – and eat all the finger food. that was his grand plan. stroll into press-only events, wave his poorly-made card around, and gorge himself on canapés. no more going hungry! ever! jonn would live off tiny slices of toasted foie gras and flutes of cheap champagne for the rest of his life!
so now jonn, Very Obviously Fake Journalist™, is back in france and he’s DOING THE THING. and guess what? this was before google. before facebook. before linkedin. impersonating a journalist was very easy. if people asked where you worked you just said you were freelance, then steered the conversation to current politics and stealthily devoured the entire buffet while everybody was busy debating.
and so. this is what jonn is doing. his monumentally stupid plan is actually working. this is how he eats. with thai-made fake papers and sheer fucking confidence. and of course people start noticing him eventually! jonn is always fucking there! at all and any events in paris! because, again, THIS IS HOW HE EATS! but it’s always the same people running around in these circles, anyway. so nobody’s surprised to see the same dudes popping up over and over again. jonn blends in! and jonn is very good at making friends. and changing the subject. and eating canapés.
and then ONE DAY
one of jonn’s newfangled journalist friends (a REAL journalist, mind you, who has NO IDEA that jonn isn’t What He Seems) basically goes: “dude i’m so swamped rn. everyone wants everything all at once. fuck. shit. are you swamped too?”
“oh, for sure,” jonn says through a mouthful of his twenty-ninth serving of canapés that night. “not a second to myself”
“god. fuck. tell me about it. shit. i’m just so damn swamped.” Real Journalist shakes his head. “if i could only find someone to cover for me on this one article.”
now, i know i said before that jonn was smoking weed. but i must confess now i said it for humorous effect. i have no idea if jonn’s ever been within five hundred yards of a blunt his whole life. but what you must understand is that jonn is Chill™ on like. a soul-deep level. his whole mind is one long exhale of smoke followed by the words “fuck it”. this is a man who left his job for no reason, lived in thailand on a tourist’s visa for two months, got fake papers there for the lol of it all, and is now living off press-only events in paris. jonn was BORN HIGH.
SO. when RJ asks him: “dude. jonn. you said you were working freelance. i know you’re busy but don’t you think you could maybe cover for me? just this once?”
jonn NATURALLY answers: “fuck it. sure”
then goes to an unemployment center and applies for one of their free one-week classes. on journalism. jonn spends ALL OF ONE WEEK learning How To Write An Article Like A Real Journalist With A Real Press Card. then writes the article. basically bullshitting his way through that thing. half-assing the life out of it. faking his heart out. because why not? FUCK IT.
i have NO IDEA if he actually did a good job or not. but it was in fact good enough for RJ who really must have been truly swamped, and was so truly grateful that he told all of their mutual journalists friends. who were ALL SWAMPED. i’m given to understand it’s the natural state of the journalist in the wild.
and so jonn is now REGULARLY COVERING FOR ALL SORTS OF JOURNALISTS.
not making much money i assume. but still, not bad for a dude who studied journalism for five whole days.
and well, it’s kinda fun! better than moping around at home waiting for the next free canapé press-only premiere. so jonn keeps at it. and eventually it occurs to him that hey! he spent two months in thailand. why not make an article out of that? so he writes himself a lil paper, retelling his Bumtastic Adventures in the Land of Thai People, Cheap Living and Forged Papers (That Last One Having Nothing to Do With Him Personally of Course). and he’s kinda proud of it. so much that he gives it to his journalist friends. can they maybe pass it around? see if anybody would be interested in publishing it? for a modest fee and some more canapés?
and yeah. someone was in fact interested in publishing it. and that someone was:
THE
NATIONAL
GEOGRAPHIC
(french edition.)
so jonn got a REAL press card. got a FULL-TIME JOB at the national geographic. and spent the REST OF HIS WORK LIFE traveling abroad for six months, then going back to paris the rest of the year to write about his wacky journeys. he’s retired now, having published several books full of his articles and photographs. he’s bought a b&b in the french countryside with all his money. and continues to say “fuck it” to any problem that comes his way like the absolute fucking legend he is.
as far as i know, none of his journalist buddies nor his boss ever found out about any of this.
i dont know how to explain this but. this might be me. i had a brown hoodie exactly like that. the phone on the table? i had a black and white case like that when i was like 12. my middle school’s classrooms looked like that. this literally might be a picture of me in 7th grade, shoveling pasta directly from a ziploc bag into my mouth like some sort of goblin, reblogged by twelve thousand people on the worst website known to mankind. and i dont know how to deal with this
What’s interesting here is that there’s only a possibility that this is them in the picture.
This means one of two things:
1) They remember doing this, but believe it to be so commonplace that it could be literally anyone in that photo. Like if you saw a picture of someone reading a book, you wouldn’t be like “Hey, I read a book once! That must be me in that picture!” because lots of people have read books.
In this case, I bet their belief is based on personal experience. Perhaps there’s a town out there where people regularly eat pasta from a bag in class. Or even a secret society of such people living all over the globe.
2) They don’t remember doing this, but they’ve done so many bizarre (yet still extremely relatable) things that this could very well be one of them. This wasn’t the most noteworthy thing that happened to them that week. There were so many other, stranger, bigger things going on that they did remember, and this event simply wasn’t important enough to commit to memory.
In this case, they’re just out there living their life. Society told them “don’t eat pasta from a ziploc bag in class”, but did they let that stop them? No. They have bigger fish to fry.
i’ve never been fucking obliterated like this before. i dont know what to do. how do i go on when @perfectlygenericblog produced a fucking literary analysis of my life, wholly accurate, from one picture and my reaction to it. i’m getting this tattooed on my forearm
Steel Phoenix Studios 