When I suggested that R2-D2 has a Shit List and a long list of meticulous petty-to-terrible offenses for each person on it, some people have suggested that this Shit List (which obviously stars the Skywalkers) somehow excludes Leia.
Like, on one hand, I could see R2 telling others (Luke, Han) that Leia “has never done anything wrong in her life (how dare you)” to mess with them. But, on the other hand, I am deeply and sincerely offended by the notion that Leia’s Shit List isn’t just as long as any other Skywalker, if not twice as long as Luke or Han.
(I will give you that Anakin and Obi-Wan’s lists are probably incomparably hideous, where some of the many, many entries (especially Anakin’s) are just one to three words and a lot of offended exclamation points. Like: “SHIT LIST -> Category: Jedi -> My Boy -> New Entry -> CRASH!!!!!!! >:(!”An example which surely matches at least a dozen entries.)
Like, for one thing, Leia’s Shit List would obviously have an entire section dedicated to “Illegal Things Leia Needed To Hide So She Dumped Them In Me Like I’m A Fucking Trash Can Or Her Purse”, with items ranging from “a secret blaster she couldn’t hide up her skirt” to “proof of Senator X’s corruption and/or drug dealing” to “stolen Death Star plans”.
The Star Wars Wiki says, “While C-3PO underwent a memory wipe, R2-D2 was allowed to preserve his memories.” And I am delighted, because 1) I was pretty sure this was the case, but couldn’t remember exactly (R2 is a conniving sneak and I was pretty sure it wouldn’t have worked even if anyone had been foolish enough to try), and 2) this means one of my favorite Star Wars headcanons is actually canon.
It means that during that one scene in Empire Strikes Back, these two assholes know EXACTLY who the other one is.
You are decorated war veterans, you absolute trolls.
Yoda had 20 plus years to prep for this moment and this is probably what he picked on like the second day
Yoda had 20 plus years to prep for this moment and this is probably what he picked on like the second day <- Holy shit, this is the truest thing I’ve ever read. That is absolutely what he did.
Also, I have a couple of things I want to clarify on this post.
Because of the Luke and R2 exchange right before they land on Dagobah, when Luke is explaining that they’re going to find Yoda, an old Jedi Master, and R2 appears to be like, “whomst??” I now hold the headcanon that while R2 knew who Yoda was, he didn’t actually know Yoda’s name. So when they got down to Dagobah, R2 was absolutely like, “OH SHIT, IT’S YOU. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE, GIVE ME BACK THE FLASHLIGHT, WHY DOES NO LISTEN TO ME, BACK OFF YOU GREEN SOCK, I’LL FINISH THE JOB MYSELF, I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.”
And since droid rights are absolute shit, for R2, when I say “decorated war veteran”, I’m not referring to medals. (Although Anakin absolutely made medals for his droid too, because R2 was there and did, like, ALL the work.) I’m referring to arrest warrants.
Most of R2’s memory is called The Shit List (With Receipts), with file folders on some of the galaxy’s most notorious and significant figures. Yoda has three folders. Anakin/Vader has five. So does Obi-Wan. The person with the most folders is Threepio (Designation: Useless Husband), bc R2 has never really let an argument go in his life.
The only person who doesn’t have a shit list is BB-8, who has Never Done A Blessed Thing Wrong In Her Life. (R2 can and will fight you.)
R2-D2: “Look, trust me, someone has to look after these idiots with lightsabers. I’ve been watching over idiots with lightsabers for a century now, and they need babysitters.”
BB-8: “I just spent several days with an ex-stormtrooper who had a droid serial number for a name who picked up a lightsaber because it was there and then invaded a planet-sized superweapon with no plan. Trust me, I really do understand what you mean about these assholes needing babysitters.”
R2-D2: “I’m so fucking sorry.”
BB-8: “Are they ALL like this?”
R2-D2, after years of Anakin, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, Luke, etc: “Yes. Yes they are.”
theory: r2-d2, upon seeing Living Legend Luke Skywalker for the first time in a couple of decades, chases him all around the Resistance base, squealing with rage:You FUCKER you LEFT ME you JEDI PIECE OF SHITE you useless Jedi fuck come back here so I can fucking kill you –
He shocks him repeatedly, while Leia howls with laughter in the background
Okay, so we all know that Poe went around the Resistance base telling everyone about the Handsome Stormtrooper that saved his life – but what about BB-8? Imagine BB-8 coming back to base and promptly telling everyone about the good brave human who saved his Poe. This is Finn he is so lovely, he is the best of all humans, look at him, be nice to him – he’s a little bit slow – doesn’t understand droid at all but he’s a quick learner.
And imagine ALL THE DROIDS falling into line, looking after Finn, and Finn is just so nice to them because he remembers what it’s like to be treated like you’re nothing, like you don’t have a personality. And they just adopt him: Finn the best human, they designate him, and R2-D2 – battle-hardened war vet that he is – teaches him binary but teaches him the bastardised sweary binary that all the older droids speak and BB-8 is innocent and oblivious and C3-PO is scandalised because Finn is going round saying things like fuck me this is hot in this little whistle-beep.
And whenever Finn sits down he’s surrounded by happy young droids who absolutely adore him, and he is just so nice and all the droids go out of their way to do things for him.
And yes. Give me sweet lovely Finn with his droid ducklings.
OMG I NEED THIS ARTED. Just. Finn. Droids. WHAT ARE YOU DOING FINN CAN WE HELP WE’LL JUST WATCH IF YOU DON’T NEED US. FINN IS SLIGHTLY THIRSTY. FIND WATER.
Steel Phoenix Studios 