Imperial Department for Epidemic Preventionseems fairly self-explanatory. But I challenge anyone with even a passing familiarity with human history to imagine the kinds of things they did “for the public’s protection”…
Imperial Department of Military Researchhandled “research and development of military technology such as equipment, small arms, facility components, and armed starships.”
Imperial Department of Redesign was a particularly horrifying “elite, highly secretive corps of the Galactic Empire, tasked with subduing or liquidating troublesome non-Human species.”
Imperial Procurementwas an “organizational branch” of the Empire responsible for finding and collecting resources… I’m pretty sure nobody needs to be told that they didn’t feel obligated to abide by Fair Trade standards or concern themselves much with the impact on those doing the producing.
Department of Punishmenttortured captured criminals. Fun fact: it had a habit of forcing prisoners to sign contracts giving their captors permission to torture them to death.
Imperial Xenodetic Survey Department. Mapmakers! (And map alterers!) This is probably only going to appeal to geeks like me, but given the information control and strategic erasure of knowledge the Empire is known for, I feel like there’s potentially a lot one could play with here! It is, at very least, a fun tidbit to throw into character conversations whenever navigation comes up.
Epidemic Prevention loathes Redesign because the sticky-handed bastards keep borrowing biohazards to use for their own purposes and that is eventually going to go terribly wrong.
People still think of Lando as “The Guy Who Betrayed The Trio” and that’s some grade A bull.
I mean what would you do if you had people to protect and Darth Vader, Scariest Dude in the Galaxy, comes marching up to your door with a whole battalion of soldiers? Like? How much choice do you think he actually had here? Not much because Vader literally changes the rules on him every scene they’re together so the deal goes from “Trap the smuggler and his friends” to “Han’s being tortured and frozen in carbonite and taken away and the others that were supposed to be left untouched are also being taken capture indefinitely right now” and Lando has all of no control over any of it.
And then the second he realizes what’s happened he risks everything to help Chewie and Leia out. Leaves his cozy home to help them. Joins the Rebellion? Frees Han? Blows up the second Death Star?
But sure he’s just that sleaze ball who betrayed the gang. Sure.
I do not trust people who rag on Lando.
Seriously? Did they just sleep through Return of the Jedi?
Also, “They showed up here just before you did” gives us context to when Han arrives unannounced, and Lando tries to get Han to lose his cool and book out?
“ Why you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler. “
Lando opens with giving Han an excuse to say “Same to you Bantha herder, Chewie, we’re out”. Lando insults a smuggler known for his pride, hoping to get a rise and a reaction and risks his life to try to insult Han off the trap
“ You got a lot of guts coming here, after what you pulled!”
Also, assume that Lando’s just been ambushed by the Empire, and told that Han Solo is headed here, and that it’s the same Han Solo who just ran a blockade on Hoth, and Hoth is within non-hyperdrive flight range of Bespin.
Lando literally opens with a coded “You ran an Imperial Blockade and now you’re flying in openly at the nearest system?”
If the Han Solo of ANH and, as recently as Hoth base (Who’s scruffy looking?), had been as a hot headed as Lando expected, he would have walked back up the ramp and flown off in a huff. Lando tries to salvage the situation from before we even know there’s a problem
Lando was administrator and responsible for tens of thousands of lives. From the radio play “You should have looked around more, Han. You’d have recognized a lot of faces. A lot of people here are at the end of their ropes. This is their last chance for any kind of life.”
Yup. Lando’s actions are “Try to get Cloud City out this, try to get his friends out of this, try to get out of this himself, got out? EVACUATE THE CITY. Then save friends and self”
He could have flown off quietly, Lobot could have been instructed to prepare the escape vehicle. No, Lando gives the evac signal by announcing it’s him, and announcing the Empire has control of the city. Yeah, way to paint a target on your back there. No “Hit the fire alarm” button and run, no sneak off in the night.
Lando Calrissian was trying to save the most people possible without being willing to simply sacrifice his friends for the most efficient gain
Lando Calrissian is one of the most ethical characters in the original trilogy. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, but he also turned on Vader/helped Leia and Chewie as soon as he could do so. We last see him in Empire setting off to help track down where Boba Fett took Han.
We see him next in Return of the Jedi, saving Han. And then volunteering for a possibly suicidal mission. Lando’s proven himself a hundred times over.
I don’t know what it is about Star Wars but even if it’s not your biggest fandom, it still has the funniest memes by a long shot I mean “look at all the fucks i give anakin” and “your poncho is a piece of junk” and anakin hates sand it’s all just 1000% pure class
why do people try to pit star wars and star trek against each other when we all know damn well jim kirk would be all over that psychic twink with a laser sword
OP you are so wise
The meeting of James. T. Kirk and Obi-Wan “Always Fucking Flirting” Kenobi would be AMAZING.
My dude, I have an entire PLUNNIE about transObi-Wan.
Obi-Wan was
born biologically female and decided while still in the creche, early in life,
that he had no business being a girl and being a boy was far more to his
tastes. The Jedi see enough species and differing genders that they were accommodating
to this desire: hormone treatments, clothing, full gender identity change—the only
thing they didn’t perform was the surgery Obi-Wan wanted, because it’s safer if
you’re fully grown before going under the knife. Obi-Wan was entirely fine with
that. His breasts are behaving themselves and remaining A-cups, thank you, and
he has an implant that means he isn’t inconveniently bleeding on an
inconvenient schedule.
That is,
Obi-Wan is fine with things right up until Qui-Gon gets himself killed and
saddles Obi-Wan with a Padawan. Now he doesn’t have time to go through the surgery and the recovery period, he has a
wild Anakin Skywalker on his hands.
There is no
avoiding telling Anakin, as they live in close quarters, but bitty Anakin just
blinks it off, shrugs, and wants to know why that matters. He was raised on the
Outer Rim in a port. This is not a new thing and is entirely cool, can we go
see Real Grass now? Real green grass is way more interesting than gender stuff.
Obi-Wan
shrugs, mutters under his breath, and just deals with it, because he promised
Qui-Gon a Knighted Anakin Skywalker. He’ll complete that task and then get the surgery, because he’d
like to be able to look at himself naked in the mirror and recognize the person
looking back at him.
But of
course, the universe is an asshole, and galactic civil WAR breaks out. Anakin
is Knighted, but they’re busy. He does not have time to recover from a surgery.
He doesn’t even have time to recover from the wounds he is receiving. Obi-Wan begins to wonder if the Republic supply
depots are spiking their food with stimulants just to keep them all upright.
The clones
are also totally fine with the
transgender thing. Obi-Wan discovers while speaking with Rex (in bed, because
that’s really the only time they have for anything resembling a conversation
not based on the war) that there are female
clones in the ranks, quietly living and doing their jobs as men because the
Kaminoans promised the Republic an army of Fett clones, so the girl deviations
had to conform.
This does
not please Obi-Wan. Or Anakin. or Plo Koon. Or any of the few remaining Jedi
who do not have their entire heads up their asses, spelunking through their own
intestines.
The female
clones get to grow their hair, if they want, and be referred to as their
preferred gender. Several of the male clones jump ship to be women; some of
them give no fucks; some of the women remain men; some of them really don’t
want to have to deal with gender anything,
can we just go blow shit up now??
Dooku dies.
Obi-Wan really doesn’t give a fuck that Anakin executed Dooku after the battle.
It’s a bit vicious, but not only has the Republic already declared in a Senate
session to execute Dooku as a traitor (which is…questionable) but Dooku has
tried to kill Obi-Wan so often that he rather enjoys the idea that Dooku won’t
ever try to kill him again. Either way, if they take down Grievous, then those
are the major military players. The war might be ending.
Obi-Wan
tries breaking his leg by kicking Grievous. Not his best moment, but he still
wins. They’re that much closer. He can feel it.
Too bad he
was feeling the wrong thing. The Purges happen. Cody tries to kill him. The 501st
marches on the Temple and executes every living being inside.
Mustafar.
Anakin. Anakin who knelt before the Emperor and became Vader. Anakin tried to
kill Padme, and then does his best to kill Obi-Wan until Anakin proves he’s fucking nuts by taking that
leap from a lower position.
Obi-Wan has
no idea what is going on, or why his belly aches like Grievous kicked him (no,
he did not), or why Anakin suddenly went entirely mad.
He does not
have long to contemplate it. Right after he retrieves Padme and gets C-3PO to
pilot them off this horror-rock, he collapses.
R2-D2 takes
some time away from freaking out about Anakin losing his mind to mutter about
having two hapless idiots on his
hands. C-3PO can only carry one idiot at a time!
Padme does not die. Fuck that Losing
the Will to Live shit. Padme was Momma Bear incapsulated, taking on the entire
Republic, before she had kids. After? Man, she would fight the universe to see her kids safe.
Everything
at Polis Massa is great, except for the fact that Padme is giving birth to
twins (!??!) and a medic is telling Obi-Wan that he’s pregnant. (!!!!?!???)
Bail is kind
enough to help clean him up after Obi-Wan vomits in the ’fresher for about an
hour and a half. Then he asks who the baby’s father is.
Obi-Wan
pauses, thinking that Rex adores kids and so does Cody, and Cody will just
never stop teasing him over this—
He decides
he’s just going to keep dry-heaving for a while. It’s kinder than thinking
about any of them.
Then he goes
and tears a medic a new one because he has an implant, this can’t happen.
The medic
asks Obi-Wan when was the last time he had the implant swapped out. They only
last so long before their effectiveness at preventing this sort of thing begins
to deteriorate.
Polis Massa’s
walls echo with the shout of “FUCK!”
Padme has
twins. Luke and Leia. She’s feeding the baby girl when she asks Obi-Wan if he’s
going to abort the baby.
Obi-Wan
stares at her, because it hadn’t even occurred to him to do so. Most of the
known Force sensitives in the galaxy were just wiped out. He can’t bear the
thought of helping the Emperor succeed.
Fuck. Fuck,
this is not fair. Why can’t he put this fetus in an incubator to gestate like
at least five different sentient species he knows of just off the top of his
head? WHY?
Fine. FINE!
Obi-Wan is going to have a child while they’re on the run from the Empire, and
then he is going to have that fucking surgery or he will chew his way through duracrete.
Obi-Wan asks
Padme what it’s like to be pregnant. Padme looks at him, blinks a few times,
and then grimaces.
Duracrete
and durasteel, then.
Obi-Wan and Padme decide to hide from Vader together. Bail does
not get one of the twins. Padme listens to Yoda’s reasons, tells him he’s full
of shit, and tells Bail that there are so many war orphans to choose from,
Breha could raise an entire horde if she likes.
Bail looks
entirely too pleased by this idea. She almost feels sorry for his older
sisters, who have been nattering on for Bail and Breha to have children for
years.
Padme is the
one to suggest that they go to Tatooine. She can’t go home to Naboo, but at
least Tatooine has Anakin’s family. That is her brother-in-law and
father-in-law and—according to the last message she received, she now has a
sister-in-law in Beru Whitesun Lars as well.
Yoda
actually agrees that hiding on Tatooine is a fabulous idea; off you go, shoo,
shoo.
Obi-Wan did
not need that education in what happened on Tatooine with the Tusken Raiders.
He was heartbroken enough. This is almost worse.
Also, he
really was not expecting his father to have quit the Mid-Rim, moved to
Tatooine, and married Anakin’s mother. He is also entirely freaked out about
endangering these people—these near strangers,
no matter their blood—when Padme assures him that Anakin swore an actual blood
oath that he was never setting foot on Tatooine again. They both doubt that
Vader will suddenly forget that sort of vow just to go trolling for victims.
Owen is not okay with Obi-Wan being his brother
instead of his sister, especially with Obi-Wan pregnant but still saying he’s a
man. Obi-Wan tells him to sod off and grow up. Beru laughs when Owen turns
bright red and stomps out of the room.
Padme and
Cliegg assure Obi-Wan that yes, he is handling siblinghood correctly.
They find a
nice, remote farmstead that is larger than Obi-Wan’s quarters in the Temple.
Which is…kind of pathetic, actually. Cliegg and Owen (after Beru threatens her
husband with castration) help to build additional rooms onto the place so that
they have bedrooms for each of them. Obi-Wan and Padme might tell people that
they’re spouses, but Obi-Wan does not want to be anything except Padme’s
friend. Padme is struggling to grieve while also being bright and happy for
twin babies who are far too sensitive for their own good. Obi-Wan is trying to
figure out how to anchor himself back to existence.
The last
room to be built is a nursery for the twins. Obi-Wan stares often at that third
cradle, waiting for a new baby, and wonders what in the entire fuck happened to
his life. He can’t grow a beard right now to save his life because his estrogen
levels are overcompensating after years of being suppressed, his breasts are
larger (FUCK), and he is starting to waddle like the pregnant man he is.
Thank the
Force that Beru loves children and all but moves in with them to babysit as
often as possible. They might have lost their minds that first year without
her.
On the day
Obi-Wan’s daughter is born, he finally sees Qui-Gon’s ghost for the first time.
Unfortunately
for the asshole who up and died on him, it’s during labor. Obi-Wan throws
everything within reach at the ghost, because HOW DARE HE and THIS IS YOUR IDEA
OF TIMING? while Padme holds his hand and tries not to giggle as Obi-Wan
apparently destresses by yelling at a figment of his imagination.
Obi-Wan
names his little girl Anna. Ani for short.
After nearly
a year of holding tight to her grief, Padme finally breaks down and sobs.
Steel Phoenix Studios 