I miiiiight have been making Very Wounded Screechy noises around 47
seconds in.
Then both of us did the equivalent of turning to each other and going
“Heeeeey.”
So imagine, if you will, a galaxy where Sidious decides that the
bio-organic chips are all well and good for Jedi genocide, but it’s
too fallible. Clones require finding a proper progenitor, and so much time. Besides, he has better
uses for the Kaminoans.
So instead, Obi-Wan ‘discovers’
a different planet, and a different conspiracy.
Welcome to the Droid Wars.
The Jedi have brand new, bleeding
edge robots to help them fight. Humanoid, they don’t feel pain,
they have a learning curve that takes one’s breath away, and they
are 110% guaranteed utterly
obedient.
(They have Orders hardcoded
deep into their circuits, and on some level they will always respond
to their master. Sidious loves it.)
NONE of the Jedi consider them ‘people’ (at first), except maybe
Anakin. But then slowly, slowly, as the war goes on, and the droids
are active for hours and days and learn and develop personalities.
The droid-troopers are in fact much, much better at learning than
even their creators thought. In fact, their learning algorithms get
away from original parameters. They’re learning far more than was
expected, so free will eventually kicks in. They behave illogically.
Unit DT-7567 sometimes skimps on his recharge cycle to read stuff, to
learn useless intel. DC-2224 calibrates
his forearm and hand so that it automatically engages specialized
electromagnet attuned to Kenobi’s lightsaber (for
when the General invariably drops it. Again).
(He
also contemplates putting a locator-chip in his General’s cloak,
but he’d probably just end up losing the chip AND the cloak. So
far, attempts to stealthily put trackers on the General’s boots and
person have failed. Boil and Waxer are determined to succeed at some
point.)
That’s another thing. Names. Designs. Customization. Many of the
Jedi don’t see the droid-troopers as more than machines, but it’s
hard to deny that they’re all changing.
Plo sees his lead droid, 3636, mourn over a lost ‘brother.’
Rex saves Anakin and/or Ashoka at the cost of most of his chassis,
and Anakin ends up carrying the scrap that’s left of Rex
back to base. Because fuck this noise, he’s not leaving Rex behind.
The second battle of Geonosis: Waxer and Boil save Kenobi’s life by
running out into enemy fire to get him out of the crashed ship, the
only survivor…the only organic.
The first time Skywalker has to do maintenance on his arm, all the
troops in range swing by to STARE. Kix offers to help, but it turns
out that Kix is better working on organics. But there’s still a lot
of staring and uncanny valley for the poor soldiers: Their Jedi is
part droid.
(Perhaps Rex doesn’t realize he has a crush on Obi-Wan Kenobi for
the longest time, because he was never programmed for that, and so he
doesn’t know how to recognize it. Then his reading uncovers some
strange parallels, and now he REALLY doesn’t know what to do.)
So the Jedi find themselves in the unenviable position of having to
become as cold and unfeeling as the droids around them (but not a one
of those troopers are actually like that). The even less human contact than in The Temple, but endless bloodshed and destruction is a constant wear upon the Jedi. The public’s opinion of
them gets even lower – remote, distant. Subhuman. Just droids, even
the Jedi.
They catch themselves doing it, and that leads to even more internal
conflict. Just imagine Obi-Wan and Cody poring over maps and
discussing strategy, during the mission where Anakin diverts himself
to go rescue R2. And Obi-Wan…..DOES he go ‘it’s just a droid’?
Does he stop himself? Does he SAY it and then feel immediately
guilty for it?
Obi-Wan can’t sense Cody in the Force the way he can a biological,
but he realizes that Cody’s right there, and half-turns to
go ‘not you, I didn’t mean you were just-’ but then. Stops
himself because. Isn’t Cody ‘just’ a droid? Like R2?
All of him is going ‘no!’ but….he’s so CONFLICTED. (And does
R2 count as ‘just a droid’?) Cody doesn’t even ever say
anything, but man Obi-Wan feels guilty for like. EVER.
Palpatine’s plans would have come to fruition, but between the
learning curve and how some troopers go digging into their own code
because they’re BORED (I’m not saying Echo, but I am totally
saying Echo) – it doesn’t work. Oh, some droid-troopers and their
Jedi have no connection whatsoever, and perhaps the order works for
them, but the majority of army?
They survive. But in foiling Sidious, they gain a much bigger mess.
If clones would have been a Legal Nightmare, the situation when
they’re droids is….rather different and rather worse. How
do you convince a corrupt Senate to give the troops their freedom
when droids aren’t even recognized as ‘people’? For every Jedi
that still doesn’t think of the troops as ‘people’, there’s
another handful that do support them. Yet what good is support from
beings that are considered no more than a half-step above droids
themselves?
A few thoughts for fodder that never fit in anywhere:
If Echo is the one who discovers Order 66/the chips, then does that
mean he and Fives metaphorically swap places in the Citadel?
I have a mental image of a somehow blushy Droid!Rex which is both
adorable and confusing to me. Dogmatix figures him being fidgety,
maybe ducking his head a bit, eye-lights flickering more than usual,
and I am slain.
As an alternative, if the Empire does come around, perhaps Luke and
Leia are sent to some remote storage facility (Maybe Old Ben survives
the Death Star. Maybe his Force ghost leads them there). The twins
are directed towards an old scanner. Anakin Skywalker’s genetic code – and that of his children –
can still activate the decommissioned droid-troopers of the old GAR.
The Rebellion now has an army backing them up.
Plunnie for adoption, just please let us know if you write it because
we’d love to read it!
*adds fuel to plot fire* In the old extended EU canon, there are human replica droids.
So For Reasons, a friend and I were discussing a scene (not either of
ours) wherein there’s a wedding between
Obi-Wan and Satine. Now, all of my shipping tendencies aside, it
takes an exceedingly skilled author to convince me that
Obi-Wan/Satine works in the long run (let’s be honest here: I
pretty firmly believe that while he loves her, only she is IN love
with him. Yeah, I take the approach of ship-and-let-ship, but I got
my opinions.)
But I had been watching Leverage RIGHT before this conversation. (I met Tara. She seems like fun.)
So of course the whole
scenario strikes me as a fake wedding con. Very fancy, very public,
and I have no idea who Our Heroes are trying to con or why. Maybe
this is to pull Maul out of the woodwork? ::shrugs:: Makes just about
as much sense as anything else. This would be a VERY weird
alternative to the shit what goes down in that arc of messed up in
canon.
Meanwhile, I can’t tell if Satine
is in on the plan, or ignorant of the whole damn thing. The latter
makes me cringe and it’s far too cruel, but when I consider her
being in on matters I want to have her pining after someone else.
Considering I usually pick Padmé for those circumstances, it becomes
an unholy mess.
I have no idea where any of this is
going, nor what it might be, but I’m tossing the plunnie out for
adoption and tagging @dharmaavocado because it might be their jam or at the very
least amuse them. Also for egging me on with regards to Leverage. ❤
First of all I’m so excited you got to Tara. She’s great and I love her. Second, fuck yes this is my jam! I realized I’ve never technically written Satine and Obi-Wan interacting, which is a shame because so much grade A bickering happening.
Satine is definitely the Tara. She spends most of her time in Europe grifting the aristocracy but she pops now and again to help out on a job but mostly to disparage Obi-Wan’s technique. So a con requires a wedding for Plot Reasons and it goes off as well as expected when requiring Satine and Obi-Wan to give heartfelt vows while looking lovingly into each other’s eyes, which is to say Anakin has the entire thing saved on video.
“Those really look like tears of happiness instead of suppressed rage,” he said, passing Ahsoka the popcorn.
“I like how she still insulted your everything,” Ahoska said while Obi-Wan tried to murder them both with his brain.
Skip ahead a few years to happy criminal family and the whole wedding thing happens to come up because Anakin pulled out the video.
“I like your suit,” said Rex, who was an utter bastard. “The blue really brought out your eyes. When’s your anniversary? I’ll get you something nice.”
“You do realize we’re not actually married, right?” he said.
Anakin raised a hand. “Are you sure about that? Because that is definitely a priest pronouncing you man and wife.”
“We’re not Catholic,” Obi-Wan protested.
“And I did get you guys a marriage license. I have a copy somewhere.”
“It was for our fake identities,” Obi-Wan said. “That doesn’t count.”
“Pretty sure the state of New Jersey doesn’t see it like that,” said Anakin, tapping on his phone. “Oh, hey, found your tax returns. She’s been filing jointly for you both. Nice.”
“Excuse me,” said Obi-Wan. “I need to go make a call.”
“Give Satine my love,” said Rex.
And then, obviously, they need to throw another wedding for more Plot Reasons, and hey, technically Satine and Obi-Wan already got married once so might as well go around for the second time.
“Honestly, Obi-Wan,” Satine said as she tucked a stray strand of hair back into place, “you act like you’ve never done this before. Rex, be a dear and fix his tie.”
“My tie looks fine,” he said, but tipped his chin back as Rex straightened it. “Is everyone in place?”
“Yes.” Rex’s touch lingered at the hollow of his throat. “And we’ve made sure Hardcase isn’t in the van with Anakin.”
“Good,” Obi-Wan said. “I’m needed at the alter.”
“The people are expecting a wedding. We shouldn’t disappoint them.”
“You know, Rex,” Satine said in the tone of voice that never meant good things for Obi-Wan, “I did say you should be taking my place for this job.”
Rex stepped back. “No. When we do get married it’s not going to be for a con.”
“You–I–what?” Obi-Wan managed.
“You broke him,” said Satine, delighted.
“You know he doesn’t deal well with feelings,” Rex said, unbearably fond.
Gathering what remained of his dignity, Obi-wan said, “I am going to do my job now as the only professional here.”
“You do that, dear,” said Satine. “Rex, I have a Monet that is going to make the perfect engagement gift.”
The job was a success because they were good at what they did, and afterward Obi-Wan found Rex and asked, “I suppose it’s too much to hope you were just making a joke in poor taste?”
“You know me better than that,” said Rex.
On the other side of the room Anakin rewound the video of the ceremony and said gleefully, “I can’t believe she dipped him!”
“I have one condition,” Obi-Wan said, holding out his hand. “We elope.”
“Done,” said Rex, and let Obi-Wan pull him up and away.
I love you and I love your writing and this is basically made entirely of squee. THANK YOU!
Since so many nice people (thanks everyone who confirmed there was still interest in this project!) showed an interest in seeing this, here is my GAR calculations!
For additionally nerdery about how troopers are numbered, look under the cut.
Meta and / or discussion on the argument, as well as questions, are welcome as long as everyone stays polite.
Please do not take this as canon, this is all fanon stuff I made that I plan using for my stories and am only sharing for those interested in it, as well as for anyone who wants to use it too (I’d like a nod if that were ever to happen).
(I also headcanon that Sifo Dyas ordered 5 of these GAR, so for the actual numbers of clones produced take this and multiply for 5, and that’s why he needed funds from someone like Hego Damask).
The explanation beneath the cut was made with the idea of it being interactive, in the sense of explaining how you get the whole number out, allowing for anyone wanting to use it to make a streamlined process towards creating their own OCs numbers.
Thank the Force, I’m not the only person who’s tried to lay it all out in one place… Definitely like your formatting choices better than my pencil and notebook paper, though!
I started it all off with a lot of scribbling on my notebooks too!
Most of the original work for this one is in Italy right now, but I find that ideas come out better if I put them down in paper first, then Skype (bothering my friends and fiancee) and then working on formatting them properly through Open Office.
Makes it easier for sharing 😉
Good to know!
How’d you gather your data for it? I took notes from the wikia pages about the GAR, and guesstimated when necessary… Then threw most of it out to build a completely different system for an AU of mine. xDx
There are actual canon numbers for the GAR, but they are made … well, I can find them for you if you want me to and then we can bitch together about them. Mostly they account up to 3 million total soldiers, which is complete and absolute bullshit.
I decided, much like you did, to throw it out of my window (with many mutterings of “It’s like the 10k total Jedi all over again” [another rant for another day] and “these people do not realize how vast a fucking galaxy is, Force save from fucking Lucas and his inability to plot things even half way decently” as well as “you cannot have five different ranks all named Jedi General with no other specifying denominator, for fuck’s sake”) and then took inspiration from the Roman Legions and from officer titles in army rosters on wikipedia and did my own thing.
I decided to go with base 5 for the CTs because it made the most numerical sense to me (and it went well with the Cadets episode stuff where they had Echo, Fives, Cutup, Hevy and Droidbat forming a single unit) but you cannot simply send your men in the field without a superior officer of sort around, and that’s where the two CCs came from.
Medics had to be included, but medical track is so different that I decided to make them their own group.
Then I started reading up on troopers and I found out that there actually were many Legends-canon troopers that had very specific fields of action (and thus would have required specific training) and that’s where the DC and EC companies came from.
At that point I realized that I also had to slot in the various commandos / ARC (Alpha ARC are the original ones, Beta ARC are the ones who were CT first and then trained for ARC) / spec ops guys and that’s where those units came from.
I threw in a reminder to myself that the Nulls were around and that apparently there were also clone space marines on the ships, which I found out while I was reading about transportation and such for the GAR, and decided to call it a few weeks of work well done XD
I have also headcanons re: production as view by the Kaminoans, the fact that extra-troopers were made and then repurposed (read: moved to support / command deck / comm position) when the Kaminoans had to whittle down the clones to the required numbers (because given the time needed to raise-train a clone, it makes no sense for them to just make the precise number they need and hope for the best, but it does make sense for them to make extras and then repurpose the ones who are scoring the lowest in their specific tracks), Tipoca City being a Showcase Facility rather than an actual training facility (hence why they had undeveloped, still-fetal clones at various stages of growth as well as child clones still around when they were so close to their estimate delivery time) and other similar things.
Pilots are widely regarded as the most absolutely batshit of all the GAR, except maybe the heavy gunners
They stare death by fire or the vacuum of space in the face every battle and say “not today motherfucker”
They’re adrenaline junkies at best
The ground troops joke about “too much zero g” scrambling their brains but goddamn if they don’t respect every last one of the crazy motherfuckers, because there is no better sight than a bunch of fighters coming through the smoke when you’re pinned under heavy fire
It’s an unofficial GAR rule that pilots are never allowed to mingle with the heavy gunners, unless you really want something to be on fire or blown up
Someone always has a story about a buddy’s batchmate’s squadron leader who flew a mission buck-ass naked.
All pilots have been explicitly banned from trying it
They try anyway
Pilots are shorter and slimmer than “standard” troopers, to control how much extra weight is in the fighters
That doesn’t mean they’re any less capable of fucking your shit up if you want to start a fight with them
Nobody talks about the ghost ships, don’t ask about them
Pilots are a very tight-knit group, and if general GAR gossip is rampant, the comm chatter from the pilots is wild
They work hard and play harder
If shenanigans are happening on leave, there’s an 85% chance there’s at least one pilot involved
They run in packs, and the amount of chaos caused is directly proportional to how many pilots are there at any given time
I assumed blind!Obi-Wan keeps everyone apart from their voices and Force signature, but comes to realise that he might have to identify Troopers when they can’t respond to him. He proceeds to grab his way through the entire 212th. He has a lot to say about some peoples haircuts. Cody gets Revenge by telling Obi-Wan about Ahsokas Montrals having grown every time she’s around.
okay i know Hardeen was a Terrible arc for everyone involved, but what if Obi Wan had told Anakin about faking his death? Anakin’s like no worries dude I Got This, except he really. does not,,
the only reason his “acting” is remotely believable is because almost no one has seen him like this before, so it must be due to all the grief and loss and heartbreak and anger and whatnot
he starts by sobbing over Obi Wan’s supposedly dead body for a solid two hours when Obi gets shot down. “LOOK at him, so cold and Lifeless. D: HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WARM AND FULL OF LIFE, SNIPS. I know last week I checked his pulse because he was meditating so calmly I thought he passed away in his sleep, BUT HE’S USUALLY SO WARM AND FULL OF LIFE.”
It goes on until Anakin has finished everything on his painstakingly written Outline from last night. At least half of Coruscant hears part of this speech. Mace sends Obi the security footage later, at a time he knows Anakin will be there to sit through it with Obi, because if we had to suffer then you do too, Obi Wan.
then at the funeral, Anakin pulls out a twenty foot scroll of real actual paper, because he would appreciate this, I think, and clears his throat loudly and messily before telling the council that he has prepared a few words for the greatest jedi this order, nay, this GALAXY has ever seen, and will ever see, no matter how long any of us live—
five hours later,, he’s still going strong. half the eulogy is Terrible and V Cringeworthy, but the other half is actually v heartfelt and moving. even Mace and Yoda have to blink away some tears.
it becomes easier after Anakin starts going into Unnecessary Details about obi wan’s life, like how he’ll miss holding onto those heavy 327 thread count woolen robes when he’s saving obi’s ass (curvature 48.5 degrees) for the 23094th time, and how he’ll never see a more sincere expression of Compassion than he saw when reading line 83 of Obi Wan’s eighth letter to Duchess Satine last month, quoted now as follows—
Ahsoka enlists Plo Koon’s help and they finally shuffle him over to the side, promising him they can finish his fake eulogy at the council dinner tonight. Obi Wan’s death may be fake, but MY WORDS ARE REAL, SNIPS, HOW DARE YOU. says Anakin, before he (a little gleefully) starts destroying the walls to show how Emotionally Compromised he is over this 100% real death.
he takes the 212th drinking, after having told all of them, too. so now there are 293637 men crying about Obi Wan (relatable af, y/y), all of which have the acting talent of a wilted blade of grass. there are 283747 toasts, and every single person there cries for each and every one of them, despite everyone knowing obi is still alive
All of this has the unlikely effect of making Palpatine rethink his plans, because he was expecting rage and barely concealed hate, not this melodramatic weepiness. Oh the angry lashing out is expected, but maybe Skywalker isn’t as ready as he thought… Still, at least Kenobi is out of the picture now.
Dooku is completely convinced. Obi-Wan faking his death and not telling Skywalker? Believable. But a performance this bad is something someone of Kenobi’s calibre would never risk – no, this is no farce and Skywalker is apparently just that infantile.
20k+ pls and thank
20k+ just for the uncut funeral scene, the rest of Anakin’s histrionics take up at least another 25k on their own, please get to work on this soon, fandom.
BLACK VEIL AND BLACK LACE HANDKERCHIEF ARE NOT NEGOTIONABLE.
If Anakin has to mourn, he’ll go full Sicillan Widow.
Ah but we cannot forget the memento mori! The lock of hair kept close to his heart in a cameo locket depicting Obi-Wan’s profile on the cover (Anakin of course refuses to cut his own until his first year of mourning is done). Or the carved ebony frame with skull and rose motifs that hold holos of them looking dashing together. And the beautifully decorated box that holds his lightsaber so that it will be forever on display to those who miss him (there’s a lovely point in the funeral where Anakin hands the box to Satine with great ceremony and she makes a heart moving speech about how no one set of hands could encompass Obi-Wan’s great love and passes it to Ahsoka who passes it to Cody and then we get the strangest game of pass the parcel ever until it makes it back to Anakin).
When Obi-Wan asks “How was my funeral?” He is met by hysterical laughing from Yoda and the loudest groan he has ever heard from Made.
The worst thing is – when Anakin burst into sobs – he’s genuine, despite all that funeral fashionista nonsense. His elegy for Kenobi is just so good and moving and sad and longing and full of Unspoken Feelings. Not a single eye is dry. Even YODA STARTS SOBBING AND HE’S BEEN ON THE THING FOR THE WHOLE TIME.
All Obi’s holos have digitally added black ribons in the corner.
Anakin insists on having trizna (a funeral feast) in his master’s memory, a glorious affair full of wine and mead. If he weren’t so sure that burning a ship with all of his worldly possesions was pushing it a bit too far (regardless that the possessions were Obi-Wan’s who was still, technically, alive and would probably be very pissed if Anakin torched what little he has), he’d be the one with a gas can and a torch.
Mace is just glad he managed to hide the holocron on Space!Egyptian funeral practices.
The best part is, Obi Wan comes back and Anakin refuses to go out of mourning. He does it properly too, first black, then grey and lavender. Obi Wan is like is this necessary? And Anakin is like YES OBVIOUSLY HOW CAN YOU EVEN ASK THAT MASTER???!!!
“I miss him… so much. Sometimes, I swear, I feel his presence. That familiar warmth, his cologne. There are days I can glimpse his face behind the Veil. I hear him, calling for me, whispering my name. In a way, he’s still alive in my heart.”
“Anakin, I’m standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.”
“Why can’t his spirit go on? What holds him so chained to this miserable plane of existance? Master, where art thou?”
“For fucks sake, Anakin…”
LOOOOOOOOOOL, and you know Ahsoka gets in on the fun as well. Both of them refuse to talk to Obi Wan directly except through seances. When they get called before the council they have “episodes” where the “sense the presence of an unquiet spirit.” Sometimes they have exorcisms where they attempt to “put Obi Wan’s wandering spirit to rest.” Obi Wan is so tired. Everyone else thinks it’s hilarious.
The exorcism involves the use copious use incense (a light floral fragrance), offerings to the dead (in the form of delicate cups of steaming tea and accompanying sweets), ritual chanting (aka soft singing) and forcible removal of the ghost to its final resting place (his quarters). All in all it does a rather good job of forcing the poor spirit to rest !😉
The best incident however comes during the big reveal where, on facing Dooku on Naboo Anakin loudly declares that he is not outnumbered, for his dear Master’s spirit is right beside him! And Dooku starts on a spiel about how his weak willed dependency on Kenobi has finally turned him mad, except there’s a blue lightsaber at his throat and a familiar smirk asking if the Count had missed him on his little sojourn to the underworld…
AHAHAHAHAHA putting a spirit to rest takes on a whole new meaning!!!! What if the 212th gets in on it? The first time Cody tosses a ration bar at Obi Wan’s head and starts walking around Obi Wan singing the ‘time for all spirits to lay down and rest’ song, Obi Wan knows that he’s doomed. XD
This is hilarious.
And the best thing would be that when finally Anakin leaves mourning and Obi-Wan Returns ™, it is a galactic wide event of celebration. “The Force has returned him to us,” Anakin reports.
When Palpatine is defeated and it comes out what really happened, Anakin’s eulogy and mourning is nominated for Best Actor in all the holo award shows (never mind that he isn’t an actor and Obi-Wan’s death wasn’t scripted), and Anakin wins. He takes the stage and give his acceptance speech which of course includes him telling the galaxy that he still misses Obi-Wan and “sometimes I can still hear his voice.” And Obi-Wan who is Anakin’s plus one for this event yells from the audience “Because I’m not dead, Anakin!”
For the rest of his life, Obi-Wan deals with people assuming he is dead and who are surprised to hear he is alive. It becomes the biggest conspiracy theory. Is Obi-Wan dead or alive? There are huge fights even amount academics about whether he is or isn’t.
When Obi-Wan finally does pass into the Force of old age, for decades afterwards people swear he’s still alive and kicking.
OH GOD YES. The reports on ObiWan’s age vary between 5 to 458. Having a babyface doesn’t help at all. Having Yoda as great-grandmaster doesn’t help either. There are theories about corellation between Yoda’s height and Obi’s height.
OBI-WAN’S RETURN is, of course, accompanied by Clone Army Choir providing Hopeful Latin Chanting ™ to underline the hopeful atmosphere. His face is for a few weeks the most famous in the whole galaxy.
(And Anakin throws away the lavender lace veil. His mourning is at its end!)
(”I should have never told him about the undercover mission,” Kenobi grumbles.)
Steel Phoenix Studios 