obi-wan is coincidentally married to like, 12 different people, and just hasn’t gotten any of them annulled
at one point cody was carrying him off of a battlefield because he was Severely Wounded, As He Is Wont To Be, and obi-wan, on like 34 painkillers, looks up at him with a dopey grin and just ‘did i miss the wedding?’ and cody, a little shit, pulls a wounded look and says ‘you don’t remember it?’ and obi-wan DEMANDS to re-do the paperwork when he’s sober because dammit if he’s going to be married he’s going to do it PROPERLY, ahhhnakin, you can’t just half-ass these things
ventress and he fought once on a mandalore-type planet, where it turns out that fighting in This Specific Area/Grounds is actually like a marriage ceremony so they just kind of run with it to avoid provoking the locals every Single Time they fight, one of them ends up threatening a divorce, but they have yet to actually annul the marriage
satine and he got married on the run as part of one of their alibis so they could actually hunker down in one place for like,,, more than a month, and satine never annulled it so she wouldn’t have to deal with the suitor game bc she legally already has a husband, and no one’s going to argue with a jedi master
plo koon was trying to legally adopt the wolffepack but there’s a law on coruscant that says if you’re adopting over x number of children you have to have a spouse or co-guardian, so obi-wan, master of dramatic and unnecessarily complicated solutions, suggested he just add one to his increasing list of spouses
quinlan and he got married once in space vegas and quinlan has never and will never let it go
hondo listen obi-wan as his spouse on an arrest report once or some such to get out of a penalty / to charge his bail to the jedi council instead and it turns out due to some red tape that that’s actually legally binding: hondo is hugely amused by this
Okay but you forgot the time he married Jango Fett, when Jango aggressively shouted the Mando marriage proposal at him, thinking it was funny that he was threatening Obi-Wan with those words since Obi-Wan didn’t know a lot of Mando’a, and Obi-Wan shouted it back to him in an attempt to appear in control of the situation.
Given how canonically difficult it is to get anything done through Republic courts, it’s probably easier not to bother with divorce when you might actually die before the case is even seen.
And okay, my first though was “and the galaxy was saved because even Anakin Skywalker would struggle to keep trusting Palpatine with that music playing in the background”
Anakin think he’s gone COMPLETELY insane (maybe he’s finally been electrocuted too many times and its fried his brain). He doesn’t tell anyone though because he can still fight just fine just… everything is a lot more musical. He doesn’t want to be thought crazy and taken off the front lines.
Once he figures out what the various musical cues mean he actually finds them useful in figuring out how dangerous a situation is. Also battles are so much cooler now and boring landscapes are slightly less boring because at least now they have mood music. Yep, he can live with this.
(Although he is always confused why the ominousness that is The Imperial March starts playing at some of his decisions)
*cracks up*
Anakin: I’m so worried about something. I should probably keep my feelings to myself and attempt to solve my problems by working with Palpatine. He seems like he has my best interests at heart.
Music: DUN DUN DUN, DUN DA-DUN, DUN DA-DUN!
Anakin: [pauses] [looks around] Uh…OK. I mean, I’ll…go talk to Obi-Wan?
Music: [hopeful woodwind instruments]
Anakin: …and be open and honest about my life and what is bothering me, and try to work out a non-violent resolution to my problems?
The Force: Son, please… Guess I’m gonna enable the hints menu.
THE HINTS MENU. *dies*
Maybe Obi-Wan hears the music, too, and then the day is saved.
Obi-Wan: [walking away] Welp, guess it’s off to kill Grievous I’m sure Anakin will be fi –
Music: [Duel of the Fates]
Obi-Wan: OMG not this shit again [runs back down the hall towards Anakin]
Anakin: [running back towards Obi-Wan] Obi-Wan I just heard that Ominous Music again and also I secretly married Padme and she’s pregnant and I haven’t slept in 6 days and I keep thinking she’s going to die and I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT and if you leave I will 100% end up killing everyone and –
Obi-Wan: – oh my God! OK…it’s OK, I heard my own ominous music a second ago when I was getting ready to leave and so I won’t and we’ll fix th –
Anakin: – I heard mine when I thought about maybe talking to the Chancellor instead of y–
Palpatine: [sidling up behind them smugly] Everything all right, gentlemen?
Music: [scary ass music from the opera scene]
Anakin and Obi-Wan: AHHHH
I randomly thought of this post again today and it made me laugh
For the record in that last line I always pictured them clinging to each other in fear like Shaggy and Scooby:
finnrey figure skater/hockey player au is valid but ONLY if rey is the hockey player and finn is the figure skater.. its the only realistic possibility
you think for an INSTANT rey “sweaty stick-wielding melee fighter” would be a pretty ice princess? you think finn “expressive face, thigh muscles and flawless skin” would be the jock? fucking Wrong
probably the weirdest information about star wars i could give you is that the death star garbage compactor monster from episode 4 was sentient, was force sensitive, and it wasn’t trying to eat luke – it was trying to baptise him
to everybody wondering, no, im sorry, Omi did not escape the death star. she died when it was destroyed, just as she foresaw in her visions.
as a sort of silver lining, through the grace of the force she was able to accept her fate and wondered what she would be in the next life, as her culture believed in reincarnation.
::sips coffee::
::stares off into the far reaches of Monday with a sort of blank delight::
my favorite thing about this is that each of them is walking in a different direction, it’s like these girls are off to conquer the entire goddamn world
They’re gonna meet in the middle
In the middle they will find the avatar, master of all elements and the force:
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still, My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will, The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done, From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells! But I with mournful tread, Walk the deck my Captain lies, Fallen cold and dead.
I miiiiight have been making Very Wounded Screechy noises around 47
seconds in.
Then both of us did the equivalent of turning to each other and going
“Heeeeey.”
So imagine, if you will, a galaxy where Sidious decides that the
bio-organic chips are all well and good for Jedi genocide, but it’s
too fallible. Clones require finding a proper progenitor, and so much time. Besides, he has better
uses for the Kaminoans.
So instead, Obi-Wan ‘discovers’
a different planet, and a different conspiracy.
Welcome to the Droid Wars.
The Jedi have brand new, bleeding
edge robots to help them fight. Humanoid, they don’t feel pain,
they have a learning curve that takes one’s breath away, and they
are 110% guaranteed utterly
obedient.
(They have Orders hardcoded
deep into their circuits, and on some level they will always respond
to their master. Sidious loves it.)
NONE of the Jedi consider them ‘people’ (at first), except maybe
Anakin. But then slowly, slowly, as the war goes on, and the droids
are active for hours and days and learn and develop personalities.
The droid-troopers are in fact much, much better at learning than
even their creators thought. In fact, their learning algorithms get
away from original parameters. They’re learning far more than was
expected, so free will eventually kicks in. They behave illogically.
Unit DT-7567 sometimes skimps on his recharge cycle to read stuff, to
learn useless intel. DC-2224 calibrates
his forearm and hand so that it automatically engages specialized
electromagnet attuned to Kenobi’s lightsaber (for
when the General invariably drops it. Again).
(He
also contemplates putting a locator-chip in his General’s cloak,
but he’d probably just end up losing the chip AND the cloak. So
far, attempts to stealthily put trackers on the General’s boots and
person have failed. Boil and Waxer are determined to succeed at some
point.)
That’s another thing. Names. Designs. Customization. Many of the
Jedi don’t see the droid-troopers as more than machines, but it’s
hard to deny that they’re all changing.
Plo sees his lead droid, 3636, mourn over a lost ‘brother.’
Rex saves Anakin and/or Ashoka at the cost of most of his chassis,
and Anakin ends up carrying the scrap that’s left of Rex
back to base. Because fuck this noise, he’s not leaving Rex behind.
The second battle of Geonosis: Waxer and Boil save Kenobi’s life by
running out into enemy fire to get him out of the crashed ship, the
only survivor…the only organic.
The first time Skywalker has to do maintenance on his arm, all the
troops in range swing by to STARE. Kix offers to help, but it turns
out that Kix is better working on organics. But there’s still a lot
of staring and uncanny valley for the poor soldiers: Their Jedi is
part droid.
(Perhaps Rex doesn’t realize he has a crush on Obi-Wan Kenobi for
the longest time, because he was never programmed for that, and so he
doesn’t know how to recognize it. Then his reading uncovers some
strange parallels, and now he REALLY doesn’t know what to do.)
So the Jedi find themselves in the unenviable position of having to
become as cold and unfeeling as the droids around them (but not a one
of those troopers are actually like that). The even less human contact than in The Temple, but endless bloodshed and destruction is a constant wear upon the Jedi. The public’s opinion of
them gets even lower – remote, distant. Subhuman. Just droids, even
the Jedi.
They catch themselves doing it, and that leads to even more internal
conflict. Just imagine Obi-Wan and Cody poring over maps and
discussing strategy, during the mission where Anakin diverts himself
to go rescue R2. And Obi-Wan…..DOES he go ‘it’s just a droid’?
Does he stop himself? Does he SAY it and then feel immediately
guilty for it?
Obi-Wan can’t sense Cody in the Force the way he can a biological,
but he realizes that Cody’s right there, and half-turns to
go ‘not you, I didn’t mean you were just-’ but then. Stops
himself because. Isn’t Cody ‘just’ a droid? Like R2?
All of him is going ‘no!’ but….he’s so CONFLICTED. (And does
R2 count as ‘just a droid’?) Cody doesn’t even ever say
anything, but man Obi-Wan feels guilty for like. EVER.
Palpatine’s plans would have come to fruition, but between the
learning curve and how some troopers go digging into their own code
because they’re BORED (I’m not saying Echo, but I am totally
saying Echo) – it doesn’t work. Oh, some droid-troopers and their
Jedi have no connection whatsoever, and perhaps the order works for
them, but the majority of army?
They survive. But in foiling Sidious, they gain a much bigger mess.
If clones would have been a Legal Nightmare, the situation when
they’re droids is….rather different and rather worse. How
do you convince a corrupt Senate to give the troops their freedom
when droids aren’t even recognized as ‘people’? For every Jedi
that still doesn’t think of the troops as ‘people’, there’s
another handful that do support them. Yet what good is support from
beings that are considered no more than a half-step above droids
themselves?
A few thoughts for fodder that never fit in anywhere:
If Echo is the one who discovers Order 66/the chips, then does that
mean he and Fives metaphorically swap places in the Citadel?
I have a mental image of a somehow blushy Droid!Rex which is both
adorable and confusing to me. Dogmatix figures him being fidgety,
maybe ducking his head a bit, eye-lights flickering more than usual,
and I am slain.
As an alternative, if the Empire does come around, perhaps Luke and
Leia are sent to some remote storage facility (Maybe Old Ben survives
the Death Star. Maybe his Force ghost leads them there). The twins
are directed towards an old scanner. Anakin Skywalker’s genetic code – and that of his children –
can still activate the decommissioned droid-troopers of the old GAR.
The Rebellion now has an army backing them up.
Plunnie for adoption, just please let us know if you write it because
we’d love to read it!
*adds fuel to plot fire* In the old extended EU canon, there are human replica droids.
Steel Phoenix Studios 