When I tell the story of Achilles, I tell it like this:
Once there was a wedding, goddess to mortal man. She wasn’t
very happy about it. Who knows what he thought. When orders come down from
Zeus, what idiot says no? But they were married, and there was a child, and that
child was almost something more than human.
I say almost because
he was still human in the way that mattered most: he was mortal, doomed.
Imagine being Thetis, his mother, pale and ocean-eyed, looking down at this
tiny scrap of life and knowing you would have to watch it die. I don’t think
any mother could stand it. She did what she could to protect him: bathed her
baby in the Styx, the river of death, and he had little to fear from ordinary
weapons after that. But a mortal is a mortal. Achilles was born to die.
There were two deaths woven for him by the Fates. Achilles could
have had a long and happy life, beloved and honoured, surrounded by kin, living
in peace and good fortune, dying at the last mourned by children and
grandchildren who would honour his memory as long as they lived; and when the
last of them was gone, Achilles’ memory would pass away from the world as well,
the final embers of a long-banked fire going dim.
That was one death.
The other was simpler: to die young and be remembered
forever. A brief bonfire blaze of life and then eternal glory.
How do you choose?
Maybe for you it would be easy. But remember Achilles was
young, he was proud, he was beautiful and swift and strong almost beyond what
is human, and he lived in a world of brief lives and brilliant deaths, a world
of hero-songs and clashing bronze. For him it was not easy.
au where the trojan war is a party menelaus throws to win back his girlfriend who left him for some douchebag and he ropes all his friends into helping him and wacky shenanigans happen and a running gag is that odysseus doesn’t even want to be there he’s got shit to do and at the end he gets stuck in traffic on the way home
on the way home odysseus gets into a very minor fender bender that’s more like a fender bumper with some shit driver who is almost DEFINITELY high. and it’s all this guy’s fault but he won’t stop screaming about how he’s gonna fucking sue and odysseus just wants to go the fuck home and the guy goes “I’M FILING THE POLICE REPORT WHO ARE YOU” and odysseus is just so done that he says “nobody” and drives the fuck off and this completely tripping guy ends up screaming to the police at the side of the road at like three in the morning “NOBODY CRASHED INTO MY CAR!!!!!”
there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D
homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon achilles’ player: *rolls a 1* homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend
Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do? Achilles’ player: I fight everyone. Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even– Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone. Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake. Achilles’ player: How many? Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies. Achilles’ player: I fight the river. Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river. Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*
Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—
Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.
Homer, the DM; “Ok seriously guys they’re not going to fall for the giant horse.”
Odysseus’ player; “I just rolled a nat 20 on my deception check.”