This is timely, because I literally just was working on a friend’s resume who does commissions on tumblr, and I wrote it like this:
Freelance Artist • Created custom artwork for a variety of domestic and international clients. • Communicated effectively with customers in order to facilitate and execute their visions according to their individual needs. • Invoiced and processed payments via PayPal processing service. • Met deadlines, sustained a high level of customer satisfaction, and cultivated a database of clients. • Used social media to find and connect with customers.
Never underestimate the work that you’re doing!
Oh, yes, my friends. The earlier you learn to sell yourself with unmitigated bullshit, the better off you’ll be.
And the thing is: it’s. not. bullshit. That is what we are doing as fan authors and fan artists – only phrased in business language. But all of it is true.
“On May 1, International Workers’ Day, dozens of undergraduate and graduate students stormed the cafeteria of The New School in New York City, along with cafeteria workers, chanting “All of us or none of us! Every single job!” After a rally, they began occupying the university cafeteria in response to the pending termination of the contract of 45 unionized cafeteria workers who are expected to be replaced by low-wage, no contract student workers. Any cafeteria workers who are rehired would be hired through the university and not represented by the UNITE HERE! Local 100 union as is currently the case — clearly a union-busting tactic.”
Communists and workers at the New School in NYC have occupied the school cafeteria, declared the establishment of a commune (providing free meals for all and collectively/democratically managing labor), and stated they will not end their occupation until six demands are met:
Every Job Saved
Higher Wages
Same Benefits
Tuition Vouchers
Resignation of New School treasurer Steve Stabile
Worker-Student control of the cafeteria
DONATIONS FOR OCCUPATION FUND: Venmo @Solidarity-4-Ever They’re also asking for “toothbrushes, toothpaste, dry shampoo, tampons and pads, and other supplies.”
AND if that’s not enough, the student workers’ union (SENS-UAW, Student Employees at The New School) has declared that they will be going on general strike on May 8th (with 99.4% of workers voting in favor of the strike!) unless the administration “agrees to a contract with a comprehensive economic package”. AND 280 faculty members have declared their support for the strike.
“Oh, No!” job searching versus “Oh, Yes!” job searching
So I’m increasingly convinced that there are two major categories or types of job search out there, and the advice for each is diametrically opposed to the advice for the other. Which leads to a lot of frustration from people and advice that will help someone doing a No search but would really harm the candidacy of someone doing a Yes search, or vice versa.
An “Oh, No!” job search is where you’re going “Oh no, I have no fucking money and I need a job yesterday.”
An “Oh, Yes!” job search is where you’re going “Oh yes, this looks like a job I’d love to do.”
A No job search is one where your overriding concern is GET THE JOB BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
A Yes job search is one where your overriding concern is finding a job that is the Right Fit for you and checks off a good chunk of your “dream job” checklist – or at least, checks off more of it than your current job does.
A No job search one where advice to be honest about your experience and/or lack thereof, because “it’s about finding the right mutual fit of each other’s needs”, is bullshit bc you need to pay the goddamn rent and buy enough food to make it through another week, and who gives a fuck about ~right fit~?
A Yes job search is one where you’re interviewing the company as much as they’re interviewing you, because you can and will turn down the job if you don’t think you’ll work out well there long term.
So you can see why those are two completely different worlds and the advice for one is literally the opposite of the advice for the other.
Someone who has a job (or a well-off family or partner, or a good cushion of savings), and who is looking for a good next career move, a lateral shift of career focus, better pay, shorter commute, or any of the other non-immediate critical reasons people look for new jobs, absolutely should NOT lie on their resume or exaggerate their skills in the interview, because that sets them up for failure in the new role if they get it. They could wind up moving into a new job that is actually not a good fit for them and they are back to job searching in a few months – in a worse case scenario, they could be fired for poor performance.
Someone who’s broke and struggling…loves, you have my wholehearted permission and encouragement to do whatever the fuck you have to, in order to game the job search process and get a job. Lie, exaggerate, fake it til you make it. Do what you have to do. It might not be The Right Job but it’ll keep you going while you keep hunting for the right job.
But it’s so rare that I see people acknowledge this difference, and it gets frustrating watching people give advice that’s right for one to someone who’s doing the other. A person asks a recruiter for advice on how to fake a skill they don’t really have bc they really really need to get this job they’re interviewing for next week, and the recruiter explains that faking a skill they don’t have will just backfire on them in the end, and it’s better if they don’t – they should admit their ignorance in this interview and see if they get hired anyway, and if not, in the future they should target their search toward jobs that are a better fit.
Which is not *untrue*, exactly, but tbh sometimes “get a job so I don’t wind up homeless” has to take precedence over “be honest if the job isn’t a great fit for your skills”.
The ability to be picky in a job search IS A FUCKING LUXURY. It’s something you get to do when you have an in-demand professional skillset, a strong reputation in your field, a good network of contacts, and some breathing room from financial pressure.
I know, because I’ve been in both places within the last 5 years. I’ve been the underemployed retail/service/temp worker who just needed a job, any job, please gods. And now, I’m the stable professional with marketable skills who might be interested in moving up the ladder with a new job, but getting or not getting a new job isn’t going to make or break me.
And yet I also worry about people hearing the “do whatever you gotta do to get the job” advice taking that to heart as blanket advice for the future, and maintaining that mindset even once they’re able to get themselves positioned for a Yes search. Because when you’re doing a Yes search, lies and exaggeration come with a much higher cost – with a No search, you’ve got not much to lose by risking lies and exaggeration; with a Yes search, you’re sacrificing current stability for the potential of future betterment, which means you do actually have a fair bit to lose if the gamble doesn’t pan out.
Please, my dears. Love yourselves. Learn to make the distinction between types of job search, learn to critically examine the advice you get and discern which search type it applies to before you swallow anything and move forward with a strategy based on potentially very very bad advice.
Neither turn your nose up at people coaching job seekers to lie their way into a job, nor roll your eyes at people encouraging job seekers to have an honest back-and-forth with hiring managers about whether it’s the right job for them. Both strategies have a place. I would be thrilled if we lived in a world where everyone’s search was a Yes search and nobody was ever compelled by economic desperation to lie their way into jobs that will be bad for them, because a bad job is less worse than poverty – but we don’t live in that world yet, and until we do, “fake it til you make it” job search advice still has a place in the conversation.
But also remember, don’t drag that strategy forward with you once you’ve got your baseline stability in place. When you make the shift to a Yes search, that can and will come back to bite you, hard.
Since once in a blue moon I actually discover a decent rule for adulting, and since I know I have followers a few years younger than me who are just entering the workforce, I want to tell you about a very important phrase.
“I won’t be available.”
Imagine you’re at work and your boss asks you to come in on Saturday. Saturday is usually your day off–coming in Saturdays is not an obligation to keep your job. Maybe you were going to watch a movie with a friend, or maybe you were just going to lie in bed and eat ice cream for eight hours, but either way you really, really don’t want to give up your day off.
If you consider yourself a millennial you’ve probably been raised to believe you need to justify not being constantly at work. And if you’re a gen-Z kid you’re likely getting the same toxic messages that we did. So in a situation like that, you might be inclined to do one of three things:
Tell your boss you’d rather not give up your day off. Cave when they pressure you to come in anyway, since you’re not doing anything important.
Tell your boss you’d rather not give up your day off. Over-apologize and worry that you looked bad/unprofessional.
Lie and say you’ve got a doctor’s appointment or some other activity that feels like an adequate justification for not working.
The fact is, it doesn’t matter to your boss whether you’re having open heart surgery or watching anime in your underwear on Saturday. The only thing that affects them is the fact that you won’t be at work. So telling them why you won’t be at work only gives them reason to try and pressure you to come in anyway.
If you say “I won’t be available,” giving no further information, you’d be surprised how often that’s enough. Be polite and sympathetic in your tone, maybe even say “sorry, but I won’t be available.” But don’t make an excuse. If your boss is a professional individual, they’ll accept that as a ‘no’ and try to find someone else.
But bosses aren’t always professional. Sometimes they’re whiny little tyrants. So, what if they pressure you further? The answer is–politely and sympathetically give them no further information.
“Are you sure you’re not available?” “Sorry, but yes.”
“Why won’t you be available?” “I have a prior commitment.” (Which you do, even if it’s only to yourself.)
“What’s your prior commitment?” “Sorry, but that’s kind of personal.”
“Can you reschedule it?” “I’m afraid not. Maybe someone else can come in?”
If you don’t give them anything to work with, they can’t pressure you into going beyond your obligations as an employee. And when they realize that, they’ll also realize they have to find someone else to come in and move on.
THIS^
I can rubber stamp this as something I have learned as an Adult, too.
“well, that’s not ideal” whenever something is going wrong
“we are in the timeline that god abandoned” whenever i’m mildly inconvenienced
“can’t you see that your fighting is tearing this family apart?” whenever two or more coworkers are arguing
referring to taking medication as “eating medicine”
“time to go back to prison!” when putting animals back in their cages
referring to inanimate objects as (s)he, particularly when i break something and say “oh no, he’s dead.” this concerns them especially when i follow it up with “that’s not ideal”
“what are they gonna do, fire me?”
I work in a blood bank, and constantly refer to blood types as flavors, such as “Oh, you need two units? What flavor is he?” And my older coworkers just look at me confused but my coworker that’s my age doesn’t miss a beat and responds “A Pos”
this is probably my favorite comment on this post so far
ive been sitting on a phone call with a guy from microsoft for an hour now after my computer crashed so he can help me re-upgrade to win10 and 99% of it has been pure silence but 5 mins ago he asked me if he can go pee.
i told him bro u been sittin here watching my slow ass computer install windows 10 for over 50 minutes you can go make yourself a cup of tea and a sandwich if you want.
he came back and apologised for making me wait for him but he said he made a sandwich and a coffee and now he’s chilling at his desk having a bite to eat and we’re just hanging out watching my percentage climb.
im getting jack of the silence so i asked him where he’s from bc he has an accent and theres a slight delay and he said he’s in the philippines so now we’re talking about the girl who won silver in the weightlifting at rio and he’s so proud of her its adorable.
apparently it’s the first medal the philippines has won since the olympics in 1996 so this woman is a hero over there rn. i love hearing underdog stories i want to hear more.
shit boy now we’re talking about how countries like the US and australia are disappointed when they dont win gold medals but athletes from countries like the philippines are the pride of the nation if they even place and how it suggestive of the values of first world countries
BOY THIS IS GETTING DEEP
we’re two hours in and i asked him what his record was for the longest phone call and he said five and a half.
bRO. FIVE HOURS ON THE DAMN PHONE HOW DOES A MOFO DEAL WITH THAT.
im on hold again bc his supervisor wants something but apparently the five and a half hour phone call was because a guy was mad that he couldn’t figure out how to work windows 8 when he got a new computer so my tech guy spent nearly six hours teaching him how to use a fucking operating system.
this guy has the patience of a damn saint can we give him a medal or something like lets give the philippines their second medal in 20 years pleASE.
my computer finally entered its boot-reboot stage after installation and he asked me in the most polite way humanely possible if we could perhaps end the call and he will call me back tomorrow to make sure the upgrade finished properly.
this guy just spent over two hours chilling on the phone with me and he’s still gonna call me back tomorrow just to check that everything is ok.
i feel like ive entered a new plane of existence.
UPDATE
he called me back like he promised he would and asked whether everything was okay, and i told him it was and that ive reinstalled everything.
he said he was so happy that my computer is working again and that he was so glad that i was his customer because he’s not used to being able to chat and talk with the people on the other end just for the hell of it and it made his day yesterday.
his supervisor got on the phone and i gave him a glowing review, she said shes going to email me a survey so i can put it all on paper so he has the physical feedback to his name.
honestly that just made the whole stress of my computer crashing its pants so much better.
Client: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?”
Me: “Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”
Client: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”
Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up Internet Explorer for me and tell me what you see?”
Client: “Open what?”
Me: “Your browser, can you open up your browser?”
Client: “My…my…?”
Me: “What you click on when you want to browse the internet?”
Client: “I don’t use anything, I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”
Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”
Client: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”
Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”
Client: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”
Me: “No, ma’am, your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”
Client: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”
Me: “We…okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”
Client: “My what?”
Me: “The little box with green or possibly a couple of red lights on it right now – it’s most likely near your computer?”
Client: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights, just get my e-mail for me.
Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”
Client: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”
Me: “An error message?”
Client: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”
Me: “…Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “Move it for me.”
Client: “Move it?”
Me: “Yes. Move it.”
Client: “My e-mail!”
This post gave me a fucking ulcer.
You meet people like this at the library. People who have been coming in every day for YEARS to use the computers and monopolize your time with conversations like this, that seem to go out of their way to avoid listening to anything you try to teach them because they’d rather you just do it for them.
So one day, this tiny, frail little woman comes to the desk with a huge folder of papers under her arm. She says “I need to use one of the computers,” and I’m like “alright, I’ll set you up with a guest account.”
And then she says “I’ll also need you to show me how to use a computer. I’m 97 years old and I’ve never even touched one before, but I need to file my health information and they told me I needed to do it using this,” and she holds out a little scrap of paper with a url scrawled on it in a shaky hand.
And I’m just mentally like ‘oh no,’ but I say of course I can help her. So I sit her down and sign her in, and she stops me to ask basically what the mouse is, and I explain it, but I’m just thinking that this is going to take a million years. But I start doing a quick and dirty run down of the parts of the computer, the programs, the desktop, what a url is and what the Internet is, what a search engine is, what websites are, and so on.
She doesn’t interrupt or ask any questions or anything, and then I’m like ‘okay let’s go to this url’ and it’s an interactive, multi-page form that she needs to put all that info in her folder into and submit, and I’m just terrified as I’m explaining it that I’m going to spend all day with this woman.
But she’s just like “alright. I think I’ve got it.” And she must have had a secretary job back in the typewriter days, because she just *whips* through the first page of the form and submits and goes on to the next, and tells me she’ll find me if she needs me.
She came over once to tell me she needed an email address and wanted to know how to set one up – I told her about her options and she picked Gmail and went back to the computer and set it up all by herself, and got her information all filed properly in about an hour and a half – and she’d NEVER used a computer before in her LIFE.
When she was done, she came over to ask me how to turn it off and I showed her and she thanked me for being so patient, and I told her quite honestly that I’d NEVER seen a novice adult pick up using a computer so fast.
And she said “oh, but it’s so simple! And so useful! My grandkids made it sound so difficult, but I’m going to pick up my own computer tomorrow!”
And I think she must have, because I never saw her in the library again.
Anyway I hope I’m that quick when I’m 97.
^ thank you for sharing this very positive experience because the experience from OP really gave me a headache. it was nice to end on a positive note.. gives hope
I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.
I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”
when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”
One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”
One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”
She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.
Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed
I’m literally wheezing in laughter (literally with the literal meaning) at the what’s your problem one
Two days ago, I answered my phone with my work greeting. My mum laughed for five minutes solid.
Steel Phoenix Studios 